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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

393 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:07

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places Blush

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/04/2017 23:28

Wow Empire - what a weird post! Hmm Where did that come from ?

I x-posted with the swimming post.
My dc went swimming by themselves (well, with a friend or 2, but no adults) from when they were 8. Bit of a rite of passage for them. However, they were all very confident swimmers used to going to lessons / training in different baths around the city.
The fact she was 'shocked' does make them sound a little bit sheltered.
I stand by my first post in terms of what they were allowed to do, but they all know that different families have different rules / boundaries / habits / opportunities / and so forth.

Does she mix with people from outside of school, or outside your own social circle, with any activity she does ? That can be really good for confidence, and a bit of wordly experience.

isittheholidaysyet · 25/04/2017 23:29

It sounds like you are doing fine to me.

My 10 year old DS has his own tablet and plenty of access to laptop intenet and games consoles. Has just bought Xbox gold so he can play online with friends.

He doesn't go anywhere alone. We live in a village on a main road. He is allowed to home to the village shop alone but doesn't.
No village friends to play with.
We have to drive to school. My 6 and 7 year old DC's will jump out of the car and run on ahead to school. DS likes me to walk him to the gate.

When staying at grandparents I take the chance to give him the freedom to play in the street and roam further.

DS (aged 12) does far more alone. They grow up a lot in those two years.

Empireoftheclouds · 25/04/2017 23:29

Where did I say she doesn't have friends. It was implied. The bit where her freinds were at McDonald's without her, she doesn't have any technology, she isn't allowed out alone.

It was a stealth boast. Your ten year old is behind socially, not a lot to be shouting about.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/04/2017 23:29

My dd is only 8.5 but I am beginning to try to let go a little bit. At 11 she'll be going two miles to school by herself so I want to wean her in. So, going to park on own for ten mins, left at home alone for ten mins etc

Movingin2017 · 25/04/2017 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveDolly · 25/04/2017 23:30

My dd is 11. No phone, tablet, make up or trips out unsupervised. Except from time to time she's left at home alone or has popped to the shop 10 min from here on her bike. It's rural and she's had bike road safety training. This is normal here.

Temporaryanonymity · 25/04/2017 23:30

My 10 year old spends the day in the park, goes to the shop (it is a good 15 minute walk) and strolls down to get his hair cut. He is perfectly happy to stay at home by hjmself.

He has a phone and facetimes his mates. They play roblox online together. He is very sensible though. I can't imagine his 8 year old brother doing the same things as him in two years apart from roblox as he does that now.

Next year he will be at senior school. It is good to develop independence.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 25/04/2017 23:31

So you don't like YOUR child being sarcastically slagged off, yet interestingly you're just fine with your own DD being 'shocked' at the dreadful rough children in McDonald's and saddened by the children who swim alone?

See sorry OP but it really isn't a pleasant thing to do, to turn up your nose and sneer at other children and they will pick up on it and they won't appreciate it.

Movingin2017 · 25/04/2017 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RicottaPancakes · 25/04/2017 23:31

Phones, make up,mcdonald's etc doesn't make you grown up. I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:31

Yes she does activities outside of school and is confident to stay there alone and mix with anyone.

She'd hate to stay home alone, she wouldn't see it as a privilege.

OP posts:
smallchanceofrain · 25/04/2017 23:31

My 11 year old DS started walking to school alone at 10. He's allowed to go to the park with friends but we live in a small village where we know pretty much everyone so I would get to know if there was a problem. He got a smart phone for his 11th birthday which is great because I can use GPS to track him! Our local pool let children swim unaccompanied from the age of 8 so I'll probably let him go with a friend this summer. If he wants to wear make up he'll have to wait until he's 13!

Kitsandkids · 25/04/2017 23:32

My 9 year old doesn't have much freedom to be honest, but he has slight SEN and I can't trust him to always look when crossing roads so, as I have told him, until I can trust him to do that he can't go anywhere on his own. A few kids in his year go to and from school alone but we live quite a bit further away than most so I doubt I'd allow it yet even if he was super sensible/careful.

The most he's allowed to do is cycle or scoot up and down the pavement of our street, which is about 20 terraced houses long. But only when I'm in the living room keeping half an eye on him riding past the window each way.

However, when we're out at fun days etc I can trust him now to stay in a certain area so let him have a bit of freedom without me trailing him everywhere. For example, there was a fun day at the local sports centre recently with activities in the sports hall and outside on the big sports pitch. Some of the time I was inside watching his younger brother do a sport while he was outside, out of my sight, doing a different one.

He's been going to the men's toilets by himself when we're out since he was 8 though I do usually hover nearby and there are certain ones we avoid, such as the ones in the local bus station as I've heard bad things about the type of people who hang around the station.

He doesn't have a phone or tablet, but has a Nintendo 2DS, a shared PlayStation 3 and is allowed on the family computer. I am quite strict about which websites he goes on though - only ones he's asked me about and I've looked at. We have parental settings on but I'm still terrified he'll stumble onto porn or something by accident! He's only allowed to watch U or PG films and I say no to some PG films even as I don't think he'd understand them yet.

If we've run out of bread or something I need urgently I will leave him and his brother (aged 8) in the house while I nip to the local shop. But the local shop is literally a one minute walk away and I rush there and back. I wouldn't feel confident to leave him in the house for any real length of time.

LanaDReye · 25/04/2017 23:32

My recently turned 11 year old DD likes to be with family and only goes off to very close shops with friends when they are around. I feel like I should encourage more independence, but she has a tablet and a phone and it's her choice.

Has your DD asked for a phone?

ILoveDolly · 25/04/2017 23:32

Oh I forgot to add she is allowed to go to the park with a just a friend but there's none near here so that only happen s when she is at her friends house

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:34

Behind socially? Wow. I wouldn't say having my nine year old caked in make up taking Selfies in Mcdonalds was something to aspire to, personally.

OP posts:
OwlOfBrown · 25/04/2017 23:35

DD is 10 but I'm guessing a year ahead at school in Yr 6.

She has a phone and a tablet.

She walks to school with her brother (13) and home with her friends.

She's allowed to go to the swimming pool with her friends but I drop her off and she calls me to pick her up when she's ready. She's allowed to go to the park with friends as well. She's allowed out with her brother, on their bikes.

Personally I don't think she has much freedom. And the freedom that she does have is reliant on having her mobile phone. She knows she's not allowed out without it.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:37

No, she hasn't asked for a phone. She sees sitting a few rows in front at the cinema with a friend or her sister as being grown up.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 25/04/2017 23:38

you seem to be very concerned about toilets and changing rooms. what do you think is going to happen to her with a group of friends? or in the 2 mins shes going for a wee.
I think not letting her go to the bathroom alone is OTT yes. as is not letting her cross a car park. I give mine the trolley to take back to the stall, that kind of thing and have done since she was about 6 or 7. independence has to start somewhere.

frums · 25/04/2017 23:38

What bitches Some thread contributes are. Why ladies? Why attack and undermine the OP? Why do you see that as a good use of your time?

My DD is 10 and in year 6 and sounds similar to your daughter OP but with some additional freedoms. She has no phone or unsupervised access to be Internet. She has never asked to wear make up but I'd say no if she did. She certainly wouldn't go to a cafe alone with friends. She swims for our Borough but I wouldn't let her se without a responsible adult somewhere nearby.

She does however walk to and from schools alone and that is a 15 min walk across a park. She does stay home alone for up to about an hour and even watches her younger siblings if I run to the corner shop.

elevenclips · 25/04/2017 23:39

I'd just carry on as you are op. Your dd is fine. A 10yo does not have the ability to make all necessary decisions whilst out in public alone imo. I've recently had to stop my car twice to avoid running similarly aged kids over.

  1. crossing an A road when there were cars coming
  2. riding bikes on the wrong side of the road
ILoveDolly · 25/04/2017 23:39

I wouldn't worry op. If your daughter isn't worried or complaining then there's no harm in letting them be family creatures for a while longer. The make up and trips to town will come when she's ready! There's a bit of a culture clash here I reckon but each to his own.....

BeingMePls · 25/04/2017 23:42

Wow.

Why are some posters so nasty and horrible? It's different strokes for different folks.

My son didn't venture even to the corner store aged 10 (now first year secondary school and travels down to mum's until I get home), whilst a colleagues son at the same age was travelling to France with his older brother!

My son is into tech so most probably over indexes in terms of iphone, Xbox and PlayStation but he's not a slave to them.

OP you're doing just fine. Parent at your own speed. xx

Empireoftheclouds · 25/04/2017 23:45

Behind socially? Wow. I wouldn't say having my nine year old caked in make up taking Selfies in Mcdonalds was something to aspire to, personally. Neither do I. But never going out at ten is just as extreme, albeit in the opposite direction.

TheRealPooTroll · 25/04/2017 23:48

DD doesn't have a phone or wear make up but she's allowed out on her bike and has been for years. I'm starting to let her go a little further afield now she's nearly 10. We live 30 mins walk from school but if we lived nearer I'd probably let her walk.
I don't think your dd is behind socially but I do think you need to start giving her some independence. She will struggle come high school if she's never got used to crossing roads etc