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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

393 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:07

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places Blush

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 27/04/2017 12:47

I think the likelihood of making your way to school on your own probably depends entirely on where you live. It's totally normal where I am for the kids from further away to get a bus because there is a bus service. The ones who live close can walk. The ones in between tend to be dropped off because they have too much stuff to carry for a 30 or 40 minute walk to be feasible and there is no bus service, either school bus or public bus.

In my 7 years at secondary I got dropped at school every day, as did most of my friends.

chasegirl · 27/04/2017 12:50

My dd is 9.5 and she is allowed to go to the local shop to buy bread that kind of thing it's a 4 minute walk from our house with no busy roads. She will stay in the house for up to 1/2 hour while I nip out once in a while- she keeps the house keys and has my mobile written down by the house phone just in case and she knows not to open the door until I call through the letter box.
She can go and play out with friends in our street but it is very quite and there are 6 children on the street that play together.
In the hols I will take her and a friend swimming and sit watching with a coffee as our pool allows children age 8 and over to swim without adults they are both very competent swimmers tho

elkegel · 27/04/2017 13:03

YY agree that 3 miles is not too far for a secondary school age child to make their own way to school.

DD1 travels to one ten miles away on a bus which is quite normal in the area. On day 3 of Y7 she missed the bus home and had to get a train. I wasn't confident she even knew where the station was and she hadn't got a train on her own before. All was well though and DF was able to pick her up to make things more straightforward so that she didn't have to change trains. She didn't panic at all but did phone me to let me know what was happening.

Yokohamajojo · 27/04/2017 13:37

My DS1 is 10 and in Y5, he is not allowed to walk to school by himself (school rules) and he usually does not play out by himself although I would let him cycle around the block. We don't have a shop near which doesn't involve crossing a major horrible road so he doesn't do that either. Same road to go to the park so that's a no too. Although I haven't got a problem leaving him in the park on his own if I walk the dog or pop to the shop.

He has a tablet and PS4 but not a phone and we are quite lax with gaming, he doesn't spend all his time on it though.

I leave him home alone with his brother DS2 8 years old to pop to the shop or walk the dog.

It depends where you live and what kind of kid you have IMO mine is very sensible and responsible and if we didn't live in London he would have a lot more freedom. Would love for him to pop around to local friends etc

bluediamonds · 27/04/2017 13:51

Cory, just to clarify, I should have used the word mature as opposed to 'grown up'. And by that I mean she is mature enough for the responsibility I have given her. The reference to make up was to the OP to let her know that may 10 year old has lipstick, but is not caked in make-up ,iyswim. 😊

bluediamonds · 27/04/2017 13:52

I don't know why the blue emoji came out then; was supposed to be a smile!

TheRealPooTroll · 27/04/2017 14:00

Even if her high school is a 10 minute walk away that's still going to be daunting if she's never been out on her own. You say there are no roads to cross but what if there was some maintenance going on and the pavement was closed off? You can't just not teach your child to cross roads at secondary age because there aren't any on her school route!
It seems from your posts like you will probably take the option of driving her to the further school so can keep her dependent on you for longer which is a real shame for her. Your dd can probably tell you aren't keen on her doing things without you which is why she is reluctant to ask/try. I would have a think about whether having your child so dependent on you is best for her or best for you.

elkegel · 27/04/2017 14:02

DD1 walked to school with a friend from Y4- they had no roads to cross it was a ten minute walk. School had no problem with this. I hope DD2 can do the same soon.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 27/04/2017 14:06

I'd be happy for her to start going to the local park with friends if it were possible, but it isn't. The closest park is two miles away across town and her friends live on the other side of town so she'd have to get there and back alone. The three mile away secondary school is on my way to work, of course I'll offer to drop her off rather than pay for public transport. Her friends don't live on this side of town so she'd be travelling alone which seems nonsensical to pay for.

OP posts:
Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 14:26

I'd be happy for her to start going to the local park with friends if it were possible, but it isn't. The closest park is two miles away across town and her friends live on the other side of town so she'd have to get there and back alone can't you take her? So she can do normal kid stuff with her friends without the geographical constraints you have

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 27/04/2017 14:30

Her close friends aren't allowed out alone, so no.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/04/2017 14:34

What is your issue with the ladies loo at the swimming pool, hollyvivy?

MotherofA · 27/04/2017 14:37

My DD is the same as yours apart from she has an I pod and I pad but can go weeks without using them . Smile

Natsku · 27/04/2017 14:41

I need to know more about the nordic style of parenting as i want to raise confident independent adults

Well in my part of Finland most first graders (7yrs) wouldn't be seen dead being walked to school by mum! They walk or bike by themselves or with friends. In Helsinki they commute to school on the metro or city buses from a young age. I always see young children (from about 7/8 years old) roaming round town or the parks or down the beach without their parents. They seem to be growing up happy and confident in themselves.

DD starts 'kindergarten' this Autumn at 6.5, there they will have swimming lessons at the local pool so will get changed, shower, go to sauna etc. individually. In the winter they will do cross-country skiing and normally primary school children will be sent by the teacher on the cross-country track to ski themselves while the teacher waits at the start/finish point.

TheRealPooTroll · 27/04/2017 14:46

There's nothing stopping you sending her out to pick up some milk for you is there? Are none of her friends ever allowed to even ride their bikes on the street by their houses? That is VERY unusual for 10 year olds.
You seem to have every reason for why you can't let your dd have some age appropriate independence when there is only one reason and that is that you don't want her to.
If you do end up taking her to high school at what age WILL she be allowed out alone?

befuddledgardener · 27/04/2017 14:47

My ten year old would walk to town and back alone but it's only 6 minutes and very safe. She would stay on her own for about 20 or 30 minutes. Doesn't have an iPhone, just a basic Nokia. Would go swimming with friends without an adult. Wouldn't wear a ton of makeup or hang out in mac Donald's because she doesn't like that look or that kind of food. Does hang out with friends who have similar interests.

befuddledgardener · 27/04/2017 14:48

I wouldn't left mine cycle on the road without a basic cycling course and a lot of practice with me.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 27/04/2017 14:50

I don't know, but they're around three miles away from us so DD wouldn't be able to join them anyway. She has no wish to play out the front of our house alone when she has siblings and toys and pets she could play with indoors. It isn't that I'm forbidding her going out, she doesn't want to and there isn't really the opportunity to.

OP posts:
Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 15:07

Her close friends aren't allowed out alone, so no. her friends were at McDonald's were they not?

FixItUpChappie · 27/04/2017 15:17

Yay a ten year old with no freinds  you must be so happy. What does she do? Play with Barbies?

What a snotty response Hmm. Are some of you too young to remember when ten year olds were still kids and not teenagers and did still play with toys (gasp!). We are encouraging them all to grow up so fast. Its not a race, you don't win anything.

BertrandRussell · 27/04/2017 15:17

Why doesn't she meet some friends for a swim? You could drop her off at the pool and pick her up later.

itsmine · 27/04/2017 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 15:47

its not a race, you don't win anything. you don't get a prize for keeping them absolutely sheltered either

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2017 15:51

My DC's closest friends don't live anywhere near us either.
So they made other friends that did.
Unfortunately not being allowed out will guarantee that OP's DD is not going to be able to do that.

DonaldStott · 27/04/2017 16:10

It isn't that I'm forbidding her going out, she doesn't want to and there isn't really the opportunity to.

So she doesn't want to go out. You say there is no opportunity for her to go out.

You say her friends who do go out have awful attitudes.

I don't understand what you want people to say. You have answered your own question if there are absolutely no opportunities for your dd to have a little independence and she doesn't want it anyway.

What a daft aibu.