to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

[claraschu]

My 10 year olds could go out alone (we live in the country), take the bus alone to school, stay home alone, go for bike rides alone, etc. No makeup, screens, smart phones, or fast food though. I guess we are a bit old fashioned, but I saw it as encouraging independence, adventure, and self sufficiency that was right for a child, but not precociousness.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

OP - why don't you start off nice and easy, and let her use a public loo alone, and maybe walk across the odd car park.

Work your way up from there.

[Mumzypopz]

My ten yr old has never been home alone, or walked to or from school alone, mainly because of circumstances...He gets picked up by a childminder because I work. He goes to the local shop on his bike, which is about 300 yards away and across one main road. He is told straight there, straight back and if he's longer than 15 mins Id be jumping in the car looking for him. He doesn't have a phone. He plays out in our street with friends, but I keep an eye out. I'm often shocked by neighbours who let their three and four years olds play out with no supervision, I often find them in our front garden! There are lots of yr five and six years olds in our area who I see walking to school together, and I'm aware our next door neighbours ten year old is home alone often, but it's not for me. I think each to their own really.

[RedSkyAtNight]

I have a just turned 11 year old who would categorically describe herself not one of the "cool girls" - so not remotely interested in makeup, boys etc as some of the girls (sound like the ones you encountered) are.

But she and her friends at 10 were

• making own way to school (cycling / walking)
  
• going out to local park and round to local friends on their own
  
• going to local shop on their own
  
• staying alone at home for short periods (say up to an hour)
  
• had their own phones (quite often pretty basic) to stay in touch with parents/friends
  

I think it's incredibly unusual for a child this age to have no access to tech - most parents will limit it and oversee it, but I would imagine this really sets her apart at school.

Assuming she is in Y5, I'd suggest at least allowing her to make journeys on her own and starting to use some tech whether it is her own or shared, beforeshe starts secondary school.

She does sound very overprotected for a 10 year old - the not using a public toilet and being shocked at friends swimming without an adult are really not the norm for this age.

[teaandakitkat]

My 10 yr old has lots of freedom. He's walked to and from school alone for years. He comes home alone at lunchtime and makes his lunch. He's allowed out to play pretty much anywhere local. He's allowed to get the bus. He goes swimming with his friends. I don't think they've been to the cinema but I wouldn't mind if he did. He stays at home alone when I take his brothers to other activities. In the holidays he's out the door about 10am and comes home for his dinner at 6.

He's always been a kid who craves independence. We started young and built up slowly. He has a phone, he's sensible and he knows what to do and where to go if he has a problem or is worried.

I think if your daughter is happy there's no need to force her to do things on her own.

[Mumzypopz]

I don't think there is anything with her being shocked at ten yr olds going swimming with no parents. I'm at a swimming pool most nights and i do see kids swimming with mates and no parents around, but they are usually High school kids, very rarely ten year olds. I have known our leisure centre to complain to parents or be concerned when children of that age are there with no supervision. Being a good swimmer doesn't necessarily make them safe, it only takes a second for another kid to muck about and jump on them etc.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"hoovering - only with adult in house "

What's the danger with hoovering?

[Mumzypopz]

Teaandakitkat.....Not having a go, just curious...Do you know where your child is between ten am and 6pm? Does he keep in touch by phone? What is he generally doing? My husband said he would do that when age ten, but he would be with his older siblings and a gang of mates. I'm just curious how it works..Would you have to stay in all day?

[stabbybitch]

My nine year old has is not allowed out to play. All her friends do though. We live on a big estate that has a park and shop.

I let her out to the park a few weeks ago and her dad went and checked her twice in 25mins, She was fine. 10mins later and she had disappeared, went searching for her she appeared 20mins later. Big talk about wandering off, and she admits her friends took her across the back of the park and they crossed a bypass into the new forest!

No more going out to play, can't trust her to make the right decisions when her friends are being idiots. She's a sheep. The friends roam the estate and don't have a time to be in or watches & phones or common sense.

She does have an iPad but it doesn't have messenger or anything she mainly watches YouTube.

I have left her for 20mins while Iv been to the shop a few times and she's walked round the corner to her aunts loads by herself.

I feel sorry for her that her friends do lots that she doesn't but I can't trust her to keep herself safe.

[Ronnyhotdog]

op is your daughter in yr5 or 6?
Ds1 never really walked to school alone as I would be walking up with ds2 so he would walk with us until he bumped into someone he could walk with. They both got phones in yr6 ready for secondary school. They were able to go and play football on the local green from being 9/10. They were able to go into town with friends from yr6 but it's a 5min walk. They don't enjoy hanging around so the novelty wore off quickly and they still don't do it it at 14 & 18.
They were both better swimmers than me by the time they were 10 so I'd drop them off at the pool with friends & sit in the cafe.
If your dd is happy with the way things are then I wouldn't change much, if she is in yr6 though I'd be encouraging her to do things alone or with pals more. Also if she expresses shock at seeing 10yr olds out doing things with friends maybe have a chat with her about independence and that it doesn't mean these children don't enjoy family time.
Ds2 has friends who's parents see tech as the devil and they have missed out on things, playing Pokemon go, Skype group chat, minecraft groups which I think must be hard for preteens when trying to find their feet in a big, new school.
I find makeup on young girls creepy and wouldn't encourage that if she's not interested, that would be odd. Also the girls wearing makeup are possibly only allowed to wear it in the house but have put it in their pockets to apply once out so it's not a useful guide of what other parents allow.

[froomeonthebroom]

DS is 10.5. He sometimes walks to school alone, which involves crossing a couple of fairly busy roads, and has just started to go out Pokemon hunting by himself, as long as we know his route. He doesn't have a phone - he uses DH's.

He has stayed at home while I take ds2 to swimming lessons for a while, but that is unusual in his friendship group.

He has a kindle fire but can't use it to message or anything like that.

I think your DD sounds normal for our area. She's not even 10 yet and has plenty of time to grow up.

[chocatoo]

I only have one child so have quite often found that I lag behind in terms of knowing when to move on to the next step or even realising that there is a next step! I've found that I tend to be guided by another Mum who I like and trust - she has a child the same age but is a primary teacher...quite often she might mention that her (lovely) child has done x y or z and I think 'oh goodness, DD is nowhere near that stage' and it encourages me to move things along a bit. At 10 I started to leave DD at home for short stints, to walk round to friends (let me know when there, etc.), go swimming, etc. - all carefully planned.

[treaclesoda]

I'm a bit at the poster who said her child isn't allowed a phone but he ring her on one of his friends' phones so she knows where he is. If you choose not to allow your child a phone that's a perfectly valid choice, but it's not fair to expect another parent to then provide the technology for you to have peace of mind (emergencies aside, obviously).

[irregularegular]

My children are 13 and 14 now, but I can just about remember age 9/10 and year 5. They didn't get phones or start going into town (by train) by themselves until secondary school. That is the norm round here. However, it was probably during year 5 that they started doing more by themselves in the village: walking to school, to the local shops and friends. Then probably during Year 6 I would let them spend time walking round town with friends having taken them there. I can't remember when they started going to public toilets by themselves - a long time before! No interest in make-up until secondary age, but I don't think I would have allowed it for normal, public wear at 9/10. None of the girls that age we know wear make-up.

Things change a lot once they go to secondary school. Ours have to get the train and walk across town. You do need to build up to it a bit during years 5 and 6 I think. Learning some traffic sense is a basic skill that you need to help them with. Will she do cycling proficiency in Year 6.

Some people here have been very unkind. There is nothing in your posts to suggest she is "behind socially", has no friends, or anything else that has been implied.

[irregularegular]

I'd leave my children at home for short spells at age 10 too. At 13/14 I'm leaving them for a day, or an evening. They can get their own supper. You have to build up to it from about age 10 I think.

[HeadDreamer]

My DC1 is only 6 but I think some of what you say is extreme.

She has been to the toilets alone in restaurants. More accurately, me, DC2 and her went in together and she let herself out and then back at the table without me. She has worn make up because she asked. Hasn't asked to go out with friends yet so I'm not sure when that will happen.

[Natsku]

She does sound a bit too sheltered, I think it would be wise to start encouraging some more independence slowly. Honestly, my 6 year old has more freedom than your DD! By the time she's 10 she'll have the run of the town.

[phoenix1973]

My child is 10.
She has a kindle which I have just changed the password on. She was on it too much. She was cross but there you go.
She has worn make up, Christmas and birthdays. Never for school.
She walks home from school. We live 280 yards away. If we lived further it would be different.
3 afternoons, she walks home and lets herself in.
2 mornings, she lets herself out, locks up and walks to school.
I will wait while she knocks for her mate around the corner. She comes straight back to tell me if mate is in or out. If mate is IN they play at her house.
I'm not yet happy for her to go to local playground alone.
But I've seen her mate there with another mate who is her ndn.
I had loads more freedom at 10. I walked to school on my own 3 miles away and collected my sister from the minder on my way home. Played out of sight from age 8.

[HeadDreamer]

DC1 also has a tablet. DC2 will get one for christmas and she will be 3.

[SwimmingMom]

My DD (10) is same as your probably even more sheltered. No gadgets, make-up, going out alone. Rides her bike within sight of an accompanying adult. I don't let her use public toilets alone. I do leave her home when I collect her little sister from the minder (15 mins) but she's not allowed to answer the door when she's alone (or even when we are home for that matter). When she's in the garden I keep an eye on her from indoors if am not out. I am not bothered about what her friends are allowed but as far as am aware none of them are allowed to go out on their own yet. Secondary school will when I consider changing things but not about going out alone.

[Gowgirl]

Ds is 10 he has no interest in makeup but he takes himself to and from school and cubs, has a phone but uses x box messanger to arrange to meet friends as he doesn't like to use his credit. The tiny school catchment means they float between houses. There is a park at the end of the road where they hang around telling fart jokes and trying to damage themselves.
I will leave him home alone for half hour or so but never with one of the smaller ones.

But he has to take care of his room, help out a bit after dinner and earn credit and pocket money.
His phone stays on and I am in contact with the friends parents by text. He also has to hand electronics over fir checking any time dh or I ask.

[socialanxietysrus]

I think it's hard to get the balance right between being over protective and giving them freedom.

I'm pretty relaxed with my 13 year old DS, he's got himself to school since he was 9/10, played out since same age and had a phone since he was 11. He now gets the train to the nearby city ( as he attends school there so lots of friends live there) and I don't worry too much about him.

One of my best friends frowns upon the way we are with him, her ( only child) is 8 and will apparently never have a phone, never walk to school, never go out to play....... Im looking forward to him being a teenager

[CMOTDibbler]

My ds is 10 and in yr 6. He cycles to and from school by himself, and back from holiday care (further, just over a mile). He'll go to his friends house by himself and vice versa with no prearrangements. They go to the park and swimming without an adult, and to the shops.

He has a (very controlled) phone - this means he can call and ask if he can stay at the park/ go to friends house/ stay for tea/ go somewhere from school.

He's left for up to an hour on his own at home, and has now come home and let himself in 3 times.

I think you need to give her small freedoms - popping to the shop to get milk for you, crossing roads etc. Then going to McDonalds with friends

[Aeroflotgirl]

Empire she is 10, not 20 fgs!

[corythatwas]

I think it makes sense to differentiate between life skills and random things she might or might not want to do.

Cooking is a life skill: I would start encouraging independence here at this age.

Coping in the outside world is a life skill (and one she will need when she goes to secondary): I would start encouraging small acts of independence here, like popping to the nearest shop or crossing the road that the traffic lights.

Wearing make-up is not a life skill: I would leave this until she actually wants it and then negotiate.

So basically, don't look at it so much in terms of "does she look like the others?" but "what is she learning?"