to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

[MsGameandWatch]

Some very nasty posters on here, slagging ten year old girls off. Shameful.

My ten year old has no freedom and she doesn't want it. He has an iPad but no phone, she will get one for Christmas, she will be 11 by then. I take her everywhere she goes with friends. There are children in her class who have way more freedom but they are very much the minority and I am sorry to say that they are from families where there are other concerns. It's a fact so not slagging the rough children off.

[justwait]

dd is 10 but in year 6

she has: walked to and from school by herself (not always)
met a friend in town and spent a couple of hours in starbucks/costa/shops
watched a film on her own with a friend (i took them and met them afterwards but couldn't bear to watch Trolls )
gone to the loo by herself in restaurants for years
she has had an ipod touch with messenger for a couple of years so I have left her at home alone while I am walking dogs/doing horses and she has not wanted to come
she is about to get a phone for her 11th birthday
she has older sisters and she's independent

she has zero interest in make up or boyfriends.

[justwait]

take her everywhere she goes with friends. There are children in her class who have way more freedom but they are very much the minority and I am sorry to say that they are from families where there are other concerns

Wow.

meant to say she also: can cook beans on toast and pasta pesto and I allow her to do this when she's home alone and have done for a while, ditto making tea and hot chocolate and using the popcorn maker

if we lived somewhere where she could walk to the shops I would let her go and meet a friend, no question.

[justwait]

I've also left her at swim sessions and sports clubs by herself since she was 8!

[MsGameandWatch]

"Wow". What do you mean? It's a fact that there are social services involved with these families, the mothers are quite open about this.

[FerrisMewler]

I agree that a lot will depend on where you live.

Around here, many of the 10yr-olds go to school by themselves. The ones that don't are the ones who have parents who need to take younger siblings, or who live further away. For local children it's a quiet walk with no main roads to cross.

The layout of the area means that children are able to go off down to the park together without adults. I still take my 6yr-old but 10yr-olds would go out together. They tend to go around in twos or in groups. It's unusual to see a child out by themselves.

DD is allowed out on her bike. She's completed the Bikeability course but tends to stick to the cycle paths. Again this comes down to location as we are lucky enough to have a network of these nearby.

DD got her first phone just before her 11th birthday. I wanted her to have time to get used to having one before she goes to secondary school in September. Very few of her classmates had one in Yr5. More have them this year in Yr6 but there are still a lot who don't.

The nearest McDonalds is miles away, so she doesn't go there without an adult. I'd consider dropping her off there to meet friends if asked but it's not something that's ever been asked. I certainly would have said no to it last year though.

DD has a makeup set that she practises with at home. The rule is that she doesn't wear it outside though. A couple of her friends wear it to school discos but that's considered to be quite unusual.

I'd be happy to leave her at home for an hour or two, but it's not something that's really needed at the moment. She's done it before with no problems.

I think there's a bit of a shift between Yr5 and Yr6 though. Even though there's not much difference in actual age, parents tend to give much more freedom in Yr6. A lot of it is to do with preparing them for being more independent ready for secondary school.

[JustifiedAncientofMooMoo]

I have encouraged my 11year old to go out with friends to the shop or local version of McDonalds with friends but he doesn't want to yet! He will go to the park with friends. I have been sending him off on errands for me. He is going to secondary in the Autumn.

He wants a smartphone but I have offered him a cheapo first phone in order to show he can look after it and he refused!

He'd be horrified at going to the baths on his own with mates. And I'm fine with that and don't push him. They will all grow up with time.

[justwait]

MsGameandWatch I don't know the families you refer to and I am sure you are right there are problems. But giving a child lots of freedom and independence doesn't necessarily mean they come from a dysfunctional family as I am sure you will agree. Do you not know a SINGLE high functioning family who doesn't allow their kids some freedom?

[JustifiedAncientofMooMoo]

I am taking advantage of his home loving nature to do cooking with him, his big brother was out all the time and seems to have missed out on that.

[justwait]

yes I agree there is a difference between yr 5 and 6

I remember when dd was in year 5 she went to sports club. Another child in her class started going. After a few weeks we realised she was walking three miles there and back, on her own, in the dark, through a town.

I gave her a lift home every time after that.

[MsGameandWatch]

I didn't say it did. And no I don't. Where we live it just isn't done (West London).

[Mumzypopz]

A friend of mine is a social worker. I asked her about the legal age for leaving children alone. She said there isn't one specifically, unless extremely young of course, but it's all around where they are, ie are they in a safe environment etc, and what they are expected to do, ie do they need to cook etc. And the length of time alone. She said a ten year old, home alone cooking, would be a concern.

[justwait]

what about a 10 year old home alone eating cold Macdonalds?
Or sweets and crisps?

Less of a concern than cooking beans on toast?

[Natsku]

Practically every family where I live, high functioning and low functioning alike give a lot of freedom to their children - that's considered good parenting, social services over here would be more concerned about a 10 year old who doesn't go anywhere alone than ones that roam freely for hours. In fact I was told by a social worker that now (6) is a good age to allow more freedom and independence so DD will be walking to school by herself in the autumn once she knows the route (about 20 minutes through the forest, a bit longer by road)

[Jenniferturkington]

My DS is 10 in a few weeks (yr 5). I leave him home alone for up to half an hour e.g. If I need to pick one of the other dcs up from a friend's house.
He doesn't have a phone but I have told him he can have one in yr6.
He had access to an iPad but it is not his own.
He is beginning to walk to school alone this term so far this week we have been observing him crossing the road to check he's ok to go alone from next week.
He will be allowed to play at the local park with mates after school without me there (I will see him over a tricky road both ways though) just as soon as he realises it's an option!
He is free to go to public loos & changing rooms alone (I can't accompany him now anyway!)

[Mumzypopz]

Why would they be eating cold McDonalds? I can't imagine giving a child cold McDonalds? I think she meant it's the cooking side that would be a concern, ie the danger of using a hot stove, perhaps burning themselves, leaving a cloth on a hot light etc etc., Not what they are eating. Again I think it's also linked to the amount of time left alone, ie left alone perhaps so long that they need to cook meals in the first place?

[CrazedZombie]

The only ones that I think are unusual are the not crossing a car park alone and not staying home alone ones.

I wonder how much your anxiety about public loos and changing rooms have rubbed off on her?

I think that you should try and help her become more independent in the next few months. How independent depends on where you live and obviously you can leave the selfie/makeup ones for if she develops an interest.

[Toysaurus]

It depends on your area and your child. Mine is ten, with ASD and there is absolutely no way I would let him walk to school alone. It involves crossing every major arterial road in our busy city centre. He wouldn't cope. It's occasionally challenging as an adult getting across some of the roads safely.

Neither would I let him out to play locally. It's a crime ridden area with an almost permanent police presence and constant fighting outside. That's not even a slight exaggeration. Some of us have to live in inner city shithalls off of motorways and that's us.

OP do what you think is right for your family. No I wouldn't let my children change in a swimming pool changing room alone. Certainly not after all his classmates girls' clothes were recently wanked over by a man who went in, took them and locked himself in a cubicle to do it. These things are rare but they do happen.

[Mumzypopz]

My daughter was only home alone from year eight. We used to do precooked meals for her to heat up in the microwave, and she started using the oven probably from year nine. I know a lot of kids will have done that earlier, but that was our choice and it worked for us. She hasn't suffered detrimentally at all and is now a very sensible teenager.

[BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi]

Hi op, no way will I be letting dd out at ten to macdonalds here where we are its rough!

I dont get the angst over tablets either - they are a way of life now with loads of great stuff on them. No phone here though. May start letting her stay in the house alone for a bit though soon.

[Sallystyle]

My 10 year old daughter has a tablet. She is allowed to play in our very big close and the park at the end with the neighbour's children.

She sometimes wears a bit of makeup around the house, but that's mainly just playing around.

When we are shopping in the city I happily let her go into a shop on her own and meet her after. I have no issues with her going to public toilets on her own.

She still walks to school and back with us because her younger sister is in the same school and we have to get her. She will walk alone in year 6. The only reason I haven't pushed that is because one of the roads is really hard to cross as the cars come off from a roundabout.

[BlueBlueElectricBlue]

I wouldn't say having my nine year old caked in make up taking Selfies in Mcdonalds was something to aspire to, personally.

Although the above made my eyes roll to the back of my head, here's how we work it.

Live in a small town (moved from London suburb a year ago).

DD is 11 and in Year 6. She has slight ASD, some traits help with independence, some make it harder.

She's had a phone since she was 10, because I think kids are growing up in a world of technology and it does no good to pretend they aren't. Let them grow up with devices and teach them from day one about sensible usage and responsible behaviour, like you would with any other life tool. Sensibly used tech is a positive thing.

She's walked to/from school from just after the beginning of Year 6. It's a (slow) 10 min walk, with one road to cross. We had some slight issues early on, but it's fine now.

She goes to the shop (round the corner) about 120000000 times a day.

She sometimes meets her best friend in MaccyD's on a Saturday (gasp), with her phone (gasp), although they are both too lazy to bother with makeup (do I get some middle class parenting points back now?). It's in between their houses and about a 10 minute walk for both. They buy a McFlurry, feel grown up for 1/2 hour and then come back to one or other of the houses.

She's allowed to go to the park at the top of the road for about an hour or so, though normally with a friend, not on her own.

She'll take the dog for a walk by herself.

I'm considering letting her go, with friends, into town 'proper' and have a mooch around there for a couple of hours on a Sat. One of them lives in the centre of town anyway.

She'll be going to/from secondary school by herself in Sept. But that's even closer than primary.

She's home alone very occasionally, although normally there's one friend or another around too. If I go to the supermarket (5 min drive) or pop out to pick up a takeaway or similar.

Very occasionally, if my DP is away, she comes home to an empty house for 30 mins while I'm on my way home from work. Again there's normally a friend or two in tow.

Things I won't let her do:
Go out after dark (or even after a sorta unspecified 'late' time in my head)
Go out alone on her bike. She's not done bikeability and her dad has taught her all sorts of behaviours I'm not comfortable with
Go out if she isn't clear about where she is going and what time she is coming back
Be uncontactable while she is out
I also require written permission (like texts) from all relevant parents if she has friends around and they want to do these sorts of things.

We're doing ok. There's been a couple of hiccups (generally to do with going to/from school for some reason), but I think she's getting there with the balance of independence and responsibility.

Fuck all I can do about the trendy clothes and the selfies though.

[BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi]

mumy I am confused by your posts your saying your SW friend is saying 10 year at home alone cooking would cause concern but that you and your friends did it from 8 and younger?

[CrazedZombie]

My 10 year old walks to/from school (0.75 miles), goes to the shops (0.5 miles) and is allowed out with friends. (He needs to take phone and watch) . He knocks for local friends.

He's never been on public transport alone (will drop off if further away) nor has social media accounts.( not interested)

I'm surprised that a y5 has no access to tech. Doesn't she even watch YouTube?

[AnnPerkins]

This is really interesting to read. I don't have a 10yo yet but DS is at a village lower school in the 3 tier system. This means all the local kids in year 5 have to get a bus to middle school in the next town and walk themselves to and from the bus stops around the village. All the ones I know have phones so they can contact parents if anything goes wrong with the bus or whatever.

The lower school encourages year 4 children to walk to/from school without parents in the summer term, to get the parents children used to the idea.

DS will probably go into year 5 of a primary school due to catchment issues. I had assumed most kids would be walking there on their own from year 5 onwards.

Does anyone here walk their DC to/from middle school? It does seem like the middle school system maybe forces/encourages a degree of independence a couple of years earlier.