Page 14 | to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

hollyvsivy · 2017-04-25T22:07:42+00:00

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets. DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places [blush] Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 09:31

It's a bit odd OP that you have another thread about how adventurous your dc are, and how they are allowed to do a lot more than other kids

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 09:34

water I think blue nailed it...It's a class issue. The type of freedoms that city kids might be afforded, is what the OP is disapproving of. But she is approving of more MC or rural type freedoms

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 09:37

In fact, I don't think it's about FREEDOM at all. OP just disapproves of girls wearing makeup/eating fast food/technology

smallchanceofrain · 27/04/2017 09:40

Annahibiscuits I'd spotted the other thread too. The things OP listed in that thread as "adventurous" made me smile. "Splashing in puddles" is hardly a dangerous sport!

I agree blue nailed it. I think class plays a part. There has certainly been a bit of judgy pant hoiking on here about the "try hard 10 year olds", "caked in make up" and eating Maccy D's.

user1491572121 · 27/04/2017 09:43

My DD began going to the shops alone at ten OP. She got a phone at the same time but only one with basic stuff.

She's 12 now and can go pretty much where she likes. My other DD is 9 and she goes to the shops alone already because she's more confident.

She's not getting a phone yet though as she will be a nightmare! I'm dreading her getting onto social media.

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 09:43

Cory, thanks for your posts they have reminded me of some things that I want to encourage my son to do and give him the space to do them.

Gowgirl · 27/04/2017 09:48

I've just seen the other thread!
My 2 and 4 year olds like splashing in puddles, my 10 yr old would rather die than get his trainers stained, and then winge he wanted to to Westfield with his matesnot allowed yet

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 09:51

My thoughts on make; if females are going to use make-up, then tweens and teens is precisely the age I would want my daughter's to do it. Because it's fun. By the time they are adult women, I really hope they have reached the conclusion of, fuck that, what a waste of money and time

KERALA1 · 27/04/2017 09:55

Your comments were ridiculous game. Insinuating that in allowing children some independence at 10 we are setting them on the path to weed smoking and back chatting. Laughable.

Blue I love your rants and agree with every word

Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 10:12

10 is too young for iPhones and make-up. yes. But it is not too young to go to the toilet alone too much focus on th Iphone and make up thing here and not much on the absolute babyfication of an almost 10yo

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 27/04/2017 10:14

waterrat, anna, rain, kerala I'm pleased I'm not alone!

if females are going to use make-up, then tweens and teens is precisely the age I would want my daughter's to do it. Because it's fun. By the time they are adult women, I really hope they have reached the conclusion of, fuck that, what a waste of money and time

I kinda hope this too.

Mine doesn't really do make up though, more hair chalk and nail varnish in ridiculous colours.

MsHooliesCardigan · 27/04/2017 10:14

I agree about accompanying a 10 year old to the toilet. OP what exactly do you think is going to happen to her and when do you plan to start letting her go on her own?

MsGameandWatch · 27/04/2017 10:22

Yes they would be wouldn't they IF that was what I actually said and meant.

I live on the fringes of a rough area, very rough. Giving children round here the kind of physical freedoms described on here is not doable. My point was that the way I Being my children up would be perceived as over protective and I would be criticised for it on MN, yet I have no other choice and many don't. Their are stabbings in my locale almost daily. I was attacked completely unprovoked in a Tesco Express of all places back in February, I was shoved into shelving repeatedly, kicked and spat at verbally abused and shoved from one end of the shop to the other. My son was with me but he had waited by the door and all I could think was how to keep this man away from my son. Walking through our local market one Saturday I saw a PCSO being shoved and punched from one end to the other by a gang of young blokes. Kodjo Yenga was stabbed within sight of my kitchen window, if I had been looking out I would have seen it.

No one round here gives their children the freedoms described as essential on this thread because we can't. The ones that do get those freedoms that I know of have not had great outcomes. This is a fact and my own personal experience.

My point was, that parents who are deemed overprotective come in for a lot of sneery criticism on MN but some of us have no alternative. There was no insinuation. If you're feeling defensive or attacked about how much freedom you give your child that's your own problem not mine.

I do wonder if I would change and ease up if I lived in a smaller or more rural place but I don't think I would. Have just seen too much.

corythatwas · 27/04/2017 10:29

Game, some of us have recognised that it is partly a case of area/circumstances. But surely there are other ways you can compensate and let them practice independence and decision-making. DIY, cooking, trips out- there must be something?

With my eldest, for much of her childhood there were ways in which she could not be independent due to disability. I didn't use that to get upset over independence in children being promoted as a good thing in general: I just thought this was our individual problem and looked for other ways to boost dd's self confidence and sense of competency.

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 10:36

It's rubbish game...on the one hand you say it's rough, all the kids are neglected and feral. On the other, it's rough so kids aren't allowed out

I live in a rough area. Parents are sensible and the kids have as much freedom as elsewhere

AmysTiara · 27/04/2017 10:40

I totally agree with blue too.

Ds2 is just ten and walks home from school, plays footy at the playground and can cross a road. I'd be worried if he couldn't.
We don't live in some little rural village just in suburbia. There are parents who don't let their kids do anything and I wonder how they'll cope going to secondary school.

As an aside, Holly, if the secondary school is 3 miles away surely your DD will make her own way there?

MsGameandWatch · 27/04/2017 10:41

all the kids are neglected and feral.

I said absolutely no such thing. This is just the usual exaggerating the posts of anyone who doesn't toe the MN party line, which is exactly the point o was making.

cory I agree with you.

I'm leaving it there. The discussions about this subject (and many others) always go the same way on here. We all do what's right for us, I know I do.

MsHooliesCardigan · 27/04/2017 10:41

cory I always see you as the voice of reason and Blue I agree with everything you've said.

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 27/04/2017 10:46

*Yes they would be wouldn't they IF that was what I actually said and meant.

I live on the fringes of a rough area, very rough. Giving children round here the kind of physical freedoms described on here is not doable. My point was that the way I Being my children up would be perceived as over protective and I would be criticised for it on MN, yet I have no other choice and many don't. Their are stabbings in my locale almost daily. I was attacked completely unprovoked in a Tesco Express of all places back in February, I was shoved into shelving repeatedly, kicked and spat at verbally abused and shoved from one end of the shop to the other. My son was with me but he had waited by the door and all I could think was how to keep this man away from my son. Walking through our local market one Saturday I saw a PCSO being shoved and punched from one end to the other by a gang of young blokes. Kodjo Yenga was stabbed within sight of my kitchen window, if I had been looking out I would have seen it.

No one round here gives their children the freedoms described as essential on this thread because we can't. The ones that do get those freedoms that I know of have not had great outcomes. This is a fact and my own personal experience.*

But that isn't what you said in the post I quoted. What you've said there is eminently reasonable and no one would argue with you prioritising your family's safety. You didn't include any of that in the post I quoted, and although you knew that's where you were coming from, I didn't and I responded to the content of your post.

It sounds very stressful, which is shitty.

I don't think OP and others are necessarily in that situation though.

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 10:47

Yes, I do too. I just hope snobs can stop sneering at our children, because they are allowed to McDonald's/out on their own etc

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/04/2017 11:31

holly you do realise that most kids who go to secondary school three miles away are not dropped off by parents? They make their own way, on school provided or public transport.

DS is starting secondary school three miles away in September. He will need to walk then get a bus. It would actually be more straightforward for me to take him so I suggested it. He was horrified; he wants to go with his mates, not be "that" kid.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2017 11:55

YY agree that 3 miles is not too far for a secondary school age child to make their own way to school. The very fact that OP has automatically written it off as "too far" speaks volumes I think.

neonrainbow · 27/04/2017 11:59

What BlueBlueElectricBlue said x1000.

Id be disappointed in my kids if by the age of 10 they didn't want freedom and were happy to be welded to my side. I need to know more about the nordic style of parenting as i want to raise confident independent adults.

halcyondays · 27/04/2017 12:06

a lot more kids get driven to secondary and dropped off than did when I was young, but how do you think kids get to school when their parents don't drive or have already left for work? It's totally normal for them to go by themselves.

isittheholidaysyet · 27/04/2017 12:36

My DS1 (12) and DS (10) have shown very little interest in independence. We live rurally and they need to be driven everywhere.
Although they went to primary Ds1 is now Home educated from year 7 (and DS 2 seems to want to be too). So I have to look for opportunities to force independence.

I send DS1 on errands to shops,
drop and leave him at activities when actually it would be far easier to stay.
Send him out to roam the streets when at Grandma's or my Sister's.
Leave him in the toy aisle in shops.
Let him go to a shop he's interested whilst I go to another one.
We attend a camping festival every year, and I give them the run of the whole site with freedom to play with whoever when we are there. (All the kids have timetabled activities so I know they'll meet me there at the right time.)

I'm now starting the same with DS2 despite his reluctance.

Being boys with younger siblings they have changed for swimming on their own from age 8. Gone to boys toilets alone (together) from an early age, sometimes supervising younger siblings.

I'm suprised by DS1's old school friends who are at secondary, many are still driven to school. Play dates are arranged by parents still.