to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

[hollyvsivy]

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

Cory is originally from Scandinavia but is in the UK now, from what I gather.

I grew up in the UK and was allowed to rollerskate around the nearby streets/play street hockey in a carpark a few roads away/walk to town etc. by 10 but to be fair I was with my brother most of the time (two years older) so I wasn't alone but we had a fair amount of freedom, comparable to most of our friends (a lot more freedom whenever we were on holiday in Finland or Holland, guess my parents viewed those places as safer and parents are often more lax on holiday)

Natsku, your childhood doesn't sound too different to what it used to be like in the UK. For instance, most kids would have played out etc and been given more leeway. Than they are now. I think possibly people are more aware of dangers now, better reporting of paedo's etc and people are more aware in general of dangers. Plus in the olden days, a lot of mums didn't work, so would have been at home, and we have more social services now than ever before. In the UK we've had a few child murders recently, which are widely reported. Whilst we can't wrap them in cotton wool, we have to make sensible choices.

Its more than there's 24h worldwide news these days that make people think the world is more dangerous than it is.

I think the world is dangerous but we just didn't know so much about it before. Over the last few years by me, we have had reportings at least once or twice a year of men pulling up in cars talking to kids walking to school etc.and asking them to go with them. This happened to my daughter's friend, and when she went over to the car window, he was showing his bits to her.

Can't believe how unbelievably vicious some people on this thread have been to the OP.

The scene you started by painting (girls snapping selfies in McDonalds) seems a bit of a false lead to me, OP. I wonder if you're trying to reassure yourself that your DD does indeed have enough freedom by imagining that if she had more she'd be doing this kind of thing too? Completely agree it sounds a bit grim. But she's never been out alone or with friends? She's never crossed a road by herself? My eldest is 2, so I am no expert on this age range, and times have changed since I was 10! But my parents (who were definitely at the less permissive end of the spectrum) were letting me travel across London on the tube to school at 11. Friends with 8 and 9 year olds let them walk a half mile to school alone.

Surely there's room for a happy sensible child to enjoy a lot more independence than your daughter has at the moment without worrying that she will turn into a cackling lipsticked pre-teen?

There were those incidents when I was growing up too Mumzy and my mum always freaked out over them, she was a big worrier, still is, but she prioritised us growing up and becoming independent even though she worried about it. We just hear about more of those incidents now because we hear about things that happen the other side of the country almost as soon as its happened thanks to social media, rather than a small mention on the 6 o'clock news.

without worrying that she will turn into a cackling lipsticked pre-teen?

Or even, that maybe, just maybe, cackling lipsticked pre-teens are not the worst of all humanity and that 99.99% of them are just kids learning how to grow up. They're all probably quite nice you know.

And if giving a kid a bit of freedom results in that, then shrug. It's not a moral failing.

(Not defensive BTW, my DD is far too lazy for makeup, only showers when I force her and has a short, short haircut. Bloody loves a selfie and a McFlurry though)

Well this thread is an eye opener!!

DS is 10. He can:

Cross car park alone
Walk to school on his own
Stay home while I go to the shops - half hour or so
Stay home with older brother for longer periods
Ride his bike safely on a road - passed all bikeability & is very sensible.
Go swimming alone.
Has an ipod & iPad (he saved for them)

Does not have a phone. But many of his friends do.

TBH your DD sounds very sheltered. If DS coukdn'the cross a car park alone at 10 I would feel I had failed him as a parent.

DD (11) that I referred to above has a hatred of cold food for afterschool snacks. Has always tended to get hot dinners in crèche, hot dinners in afterschool club, and takes hot food for school lunch in a flask. So to her, it is natural to want a hot snack when she gets home from school. We've figured out ways, with her, to do snacks that she likes and will enjoy, that she can make safely. We practiced them together before it was necessary for her to do them alone, and we talked about what might go wrong and how to fix it.

For getting more independence out and about, she got small amounts in safe spaces, and that grew over time. When we walked or cycled routes together, we talked about how to do it safely and what to watch out for. Who to look for help from if needed. That sort of thing.

We've always tended to allow her get into muddy puddles, climb trees, mess about in boats, encouraged her to do sports, etc - to learn what these feel like, but also to learn to judge for herself what the consequences are, and how far is too far, to be able to put those judgements in place for herself. So she can now go down to the harbor, rig up the boat, have the safety boat there ready to accompany her, and decide herself that the wind is too much and she wouldn't be able to handle the boat - and just de-rig and watch the racing from the shore. Which actually happened a couple of times.

"Failed as a parent" is way over the top.

OP is looking to compare see if she is along the right lines. Hardly failing imo.

My 10-year-old DD walks home from school (5 mins) on her own when she doesn't have an after-school activity, which is twice a week. She doesn't come home to an empty house though and doesn't have a key.

She has an ipad but not a phone.

She doesn't wear make-up but does occasionally wear nail varnish for a party or special occasion.

She goes swimming with her friends and I will wait in the café at the leisure centre for them. She's been changing by herself after swimming for ages as she's been swimming with the school every week since Year 4.

She is allowed to go up the road (10 min) walk to the shop and enjoys doing that.

She's been going to public toilets on her own for ages. Those of you who say you don't allow your 10-year-olds to use public toilets alone. Does your child never go out with the opposite sex parent then? I would certainly raise an eyebrow at seeing a 10-year-old boy in the women's toilets with his mum or a 10-year-girl with her father in the men's .

I think the reason the OP has had a hard time on this thread is not so much because of what she allows/doesn't allow her DD to do but because of her sneering and judgement of those who have not made the same parenting choices she has. I did giggle at the pearl-clutching over McDonald's selfies and the faux concern over 10-year-olds swimming with their friends = 'not enough family time' .

My 8 year old plays out, goes to the local shop and walks home from school with a friend. It's done wonders for his confidence and his teachers say he is very good at conflict resolution in the playground. However, he's only allowed out because he has very good road sense, is generally sensible and is a stickler for rules. It's very much been a gradual thing over the last year or so.
Oh and we don't live on a rundown council estate just a normal suburban housing estate and the kids are all generally polite and well mannered. Only a couple of his peers don't get out yet as they're more immature/can't be trusted around roads. I'm very grateful that my DS is having a childhood very similar to mine in the 70's but then i chose to live in an area where that is possible and have made an effort to get to know his friends parents over the years. Most of our houses overlook the playing field and we all keep an eye out for each others kids. Have to say I'm a bit shocked at how little freedom some older kids have, although i do realise where you live plays a big part.

In some places it helps to have (over) protective parents, believe me.

They are allowed by themselves in our swimming pool from 8 if they can swim well.
My dc are 19 and 21 and were allowed to walk to school by themselves from yr 5 and had been playing out a lot younger as we live in a quiet cul de sac.
Dd never interested in makeup and at 19 still isnt.
I feel sorry for ops dd, she sounds a little smothered.

What I noticed last year with the Y6s was that during that last summer term at primary they all started to walk home alone, or met parent half way.

My DD is 10, Y5 and has some SEN, so has been a bit more coddled than an NT child. I take her to school. We live further away than everyone else, on the other side of a dual carriageway, so I suspect she won't walk by herself until the very end of Y6 (if then).

Going to the shops/McDs means crossing either the dual carriageway or a main feeder road with no pedestrian lights, and it never occured to me to send her swimming on her own. She does loads of activities that take up most of our spare time.

She will ask to stay at home if I have to nip to the shops. If she comes with me she will go and collect the pizza or the milk while I carry on around the aisles, or she will run back out to the car when if I forget my shopping bags. When we are out she will always go off to the loo on her own.

She can make me a cup of tea, under protest, but we haven't progressed to cooking yet.

She has been to a couple of Brownie camps, and has just done her first PGL 2 night taster. She's been to Holiday daycare since she started school; several different venues and always different kids/staff. I think that is as independent as a Y5 needs to be.

Do you have Snapchat or Msqrd OP? They make taking Selfies lots of fun.

I think it's very unusual not to be watching YouTube regularly. Doesn't have to be the typical stuff like Zoella & co but there's an interesting vlogger for all interests.

My dd started wearing makeup at the end of y6. Her technique was awful (thick eyeliner 😂) but she improved and isn't wearing the orange shades and tide marks that some go for.

Mine are a bit older now but...

Started walking/cycling to school on their own from 9 ( city, but safe cycle route, lots of other DC from the same school doing the same)

Started playing with friends in the local woods/park from 10 ish
(I agonised about this, but they stuck together. They got up to some mischief but nothing serious...)

Would go to the swimming pool/cinema with friends by public transport from 10 onwards

Would come home from school alone, get snacks, change and go off to tennis from 10 onwards.

We were strict about IT. They had phones (cheap and cheerful) once they started going out without an adult.

Children are all different. Some push the boundaries, some are happy to stay longer with adults. In some families, circumstances dictate earlier independence. And a lot depends on geography- where do you live, is it near school/other activities and are there friends of a similar age nearby.

The biggest risk to children of this age is road traffic accidents - not strangers.

Will your DD have to get to and from secondary school solo? My DS had to get two buses to school from year 7 so in year 6 we slowly increased his independence by him getting the bus to his grandparents (they live near his school) with us putting him on the bus and grandparents meeting him at bus stop) then once he was confident with that, doing it alone and walking to their house. In the summer term of year 6 he started getting the bus to his primary school alone too, partly through necessity as I started a new job and couldn't go with him. That independence led to a maturing attitude and becoming more streetwise, which is no bad thing.

He started going round to friends houses in year 7 - his school friends all live near his school not near to where we live - and going into town to McDonald's, Pizza Hut etc at that point too.

Fwiw weekends being for families is not always the case when one parent is a shift worker and the other has a second job working at weekends - we only have one weekend in 6 as a family and DS is often away camping with cadets then anyway!

I think it's very unusual not to be watching YouTube regularly. My DC are a little younger but I know some of their friends are using youtube - possibly the kids app though? What age do you think is appropriate? Is there a good way to set parental controls. I (perhaps a bit naively) thought that if it was 13+ then under 10s weren't likely to use it so the OP's daughter wouldn't be massively out of sync. Is that completely out of touch?

User
My children will occasionally look at the odd funny video on YouTube, usually about cats. By dd1 11yrs doesn't have the app on her iPhone, because she's not particularly interested.
I have virgin web safe so I can set times for adult access and child access.
During child access times there's no social media, nudity, chat rooms etc.
She doesn't have her own iCloud account she has a family one, so either myself of dp have to put a secret code in to allow her to download an app of our approval.
I think Fb and Twitter are 13+ not sure about YouTube, as children as young as 3 have their own channel.

I wouldn't say going to McDs in make-up is what I'd aspire to for a ten year old....
However I do leave my 10 year old at home if I'm out locally for an hour or so. I let him go to the very local park alone for short periods of time- he usually finds someone to play with. Also let him go to the local library alone. I'm gradually extending what he can do, according to what we are both confident and comfortable with.

He wants to walk to school alone but there are 9 roads to cross including the one outside school which has crazy parent driving/ parking going on, and I can see he's not quite ready yet.

He doesn't have a phone but he spends an inordinate amount of time on the laptop/ iPad/ Xbox and PlayStation.

It's the roads I worry about. He can look right and left but it's the predicting what that car over there is going to do and that that noise is motorbike coming round the corner.

I am the ops child.Albeit 30 odd years from now.My mam was the same,So overprotective.It really ruined my teenage years.Not being allowed do the thing my friend did.

Not being allowed out after a certain time.It ruins your confidence plus it means when you have to do something alone or there's a bit of danger.You don't know how to react,as there has been no benchmark.

Please op even if it's babysteps please give your child the confidence and know how on how to get out of situations.

Don't be like me unable to make or keep friends because I wasn't thought how.