Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how much freedom your ten year old has?

393 replies

hollyvsivy · 25/04/2017 23:07

My daughter will be ten soon. I wouldn't say I'm super strict but it's begun to occur to me that she has way less freedom than others her age. We saw friends of hers at mcdonalds alone the other day with their iPhones in hand and make up on. Tonight we saw her friend out bike riding alone. Her other friend stays home alone while her mum takes her brother to swimming lessons. The majority have their own phones and/or tablets.

DD doesn't have a phone or tablet. She doesn't ask to use technology at home. She doesn't wear make up. She has never been out alone or with friends alone and I still don't like her going to the toilet alone in public places Blush

Seeing as she's happy with how things are (and doesn't have the awful attitude a lot of her friends do!) AIBU to continue this way for as long as possible, or should I be encouraging her to grow up a bit? How much freedom does your ten year old have?

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 26/04/2017 21:44

My DS just turned 10..Had an ipad for birthday..He does really want to talk to his friends away from school.

He is allowed to go to the park for short periods of time..Just started since 10.

He walks part way to school..

Some of it is confidence building though..Crossing a road just ahead of me , so I can see him and he gets confident. Nipping in the local shop and picking up a loaf of bread..With out doing them they will not have the confidence to do them..He has never been swimming on his own as he is more than capable and has been to swim sessions and I have been upstairs..Mc Donalds too far away.

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 26/04/2017 23:37

It's not that she isn't allowed to do anything dustarr, she hasn't asked or expressed any desire to do so. I'm hardly going to encourage her to come in from playing in the garden to sit on an iPhone instead. Her close friends don't go out alone either so there hasn't been an opportunity for her to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyvsivy · 26/04/2017 23:41

Children at her school are not allowed to walk home alone until mid year 5 which is standard around here. I can't believe so many 8 year olds are allowed to do so by the schools, it seems very young to me.

It isn't that she can't cross a car park, she's just generally with me and her siblings chatting so no need for her to cross it alone.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 26/04/2017 23:53

I have a bookish swotty 10 year old year 6. She goes to the shop for errands and v recently allowed with friends in town for an hour or so. Recently got her a phone so I can stay in touch when not with her.

Found op rather snarky with her "caked in make up" "macdonalds" slurs. In September they will be walking to secondary school alone we feel it's safer to gradually release apron strings rather than launching off a child whose never been out without mummy.

BrandMombie · 26/04/2017 23:58

OP, I admire you. You've raised a lovely family orientated young girl by the sounds of it. It's so hard to find a teenage girl that actually cares, and wants to spend time with her family. Don't feel you have to ensure your DD is a certain way, and she needs to be like the other girls her own age. Parents seem to be pushing their young girls to grow up too quickly these days, and it's lovely to hear that your DD still enjoys playing and doesn't entertain herself with technology all day.
Although I do suggest that if your DD will be traveling back and forth to school herself, then you defiantly need to make sure she's ready road safety wise. Let her get used to being out alone now and then, so it isn't too daunting for her.

TheRealPooTroll · 27/04/2017 00:02

I think you need to separate wearing make up and taking selfies from encouraging life skills as they are 2 different things. You need to be encouraging her to do things like short trips to the local shop at age 10. What are you going to do when she's 11 and in high school - throw the door open and leave her to it when she's never been out alone? You need to build things up slowly with little steps so that your child gains confidence. Ideally you should have been encouraging some independence before now but I really can't see how you can leave it any longer.

user1484615313 · 27/04/2017 00:02

OP. I think your dd is fine as she is. You're doing all the right things and you say she's not complaining. So it's all good. When the time is right for more freedom you will both know.

user1493245869 · 27/04/2017 00:04

I think if she's not that bothered about that stuff there's no need for you to be:) embrace that she's not a gobby kid like so many these days! Having said that, maybe a little encouragement towards independence would be good otherwise she might withdraw or rebel later on, 10 is still so young though, enjoy it while you can!

Greenifer · 27/04/2017 00:05

I think it's very unusual not to be watching YouTube regularly.

Is it? My 10yo just isn't interested. I would let her if she wanted to. She'd rather read a book or draw or colour or something. I honestly don't restrict screen time at all (mainly because she just isn't that bothered so I don't have to).

Original poster
hollyvsivy · 27/04/2017 07:11

There are two potential secondary schools for her. One is so less than a ten minute walk across no roads, the other is three miles away so I'd have to drop her off so I think she'll be fine.

OP posts:
bluediamonds · 27/04/2017 07:23

Placemarking for later (got to get kids ready).

I have a 10 yr old DD in year 6. I send her to the shops sometimes, it's about a 7 mins walk. She walks to school sometimes and back but a lot of the kids in her year are now doing this (I was reluctant at first, it's a 10 mins walk and she meets friends en-route). She has a phone. She's dying for more freedom!

I'm a worry wort so no I don't think you're being unreasonable. Flowers

bluediamonds · 27/04/2017 07:25

Btw my child is very grown up for her age.

She wanted lipstick the other day, which I bought for her but I drew the line at mascara! Grin

heron98 · 27/04/2017 07:25

Mine gets the bus to the city centre with friends to go shopping, plays out alone on her bike on local streets and is left for short periods at home alone.

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 27/04/2017 07:30

She wanted lipstick the other day, which I bought for her but I drew the line at mascara!

You'll want to be careful she doesn't turn into one of those dreadful 'caked in make up' types that OP is so worried about.

springflowers11 · 27/04/2017 07:31

The problem is that if you do not start developing independence gradually early on , children get the idea that these things are to be feared. Lota of parents on here saying their child us afraid of being in the house alone at 10!

dustarr73 · 27/04/2017 07:38

The problem is op she's 10 now and no interest so you say.Your the parent,you have to push her out of her comfort zone.And the reason being is she's growing up.
What she's like now will have no bearing when she's 13 or 14.And i was only giving my experience,the years go by so fast.Dont use your fear as an excuse to keep your DD like a child.

springflowers11 · 27/04/2017 07:38

The make up and selfies are red herrings you have thrown in to try and justify why you have failed to build up independence in your child

elkegel · 27/04/2017 07:38

The Mcdonalds was about a ten minute walk from the closest friends home. DD hasn't even crossed a car park alone, let alone a road blush Perhaps she is too sheltered

She definitely needs to start being able to cross roads on her own by Y6. By Y7 this will be a necessity, as will being streetwise. She should be allowed to go out short distances with friends and should certainly be walking to and from school by now if possible.

In Y7 they suddenly have to be pretty independent and the kids who have been sheltered and cloistered by parents really struggle with it. DD1's friend, though extremely bright, is really struggling to keep up with homework and organise herself generally at school. Her mum has always done everything for her and she isn't used to doing things for themselves.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2017 07:55

I think OP needs to be wary of the "she's never asked to do ..." . I was an overprotected child. My parents made it very clear exactly what I was allowed to do. So I never asked to do anything else as I assumed the answer would be "no".

Now, I'm not saying that OP's child wants to take her self down to McDonalds caked in makeup. But quite possibly she'd like to go to the park with a local friend, but doing anything like that is so far removed from what she's currently allowed to do that she doesn't even bother mentioning it.

springflowers11 · 27/04/2017 07:56

I was so worried that my then 4 yr old burned her arm taking something out of the oven with her dad - oven glove slipped. I did insist on taking her to the MIU just to make sure it didn't look as though we were trying to conceal it. I was quite surprised as I was expecting some intensive questioning but they were just ' oh yeah typical oven burn' ie small line on outside of lower arm.

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 27/04/2017 08:02

DD1's friend, though extremely bright, is really struggling to keep up with homework and organise herself generally at school. Her mum has always done everything for her and she isn't used to doing things for themselves.

Actually, yeh, on a serious note - my DD is terminally disorganised (though I can hardly judge) and forgets her PE kit/homework/lunch/house keys on a regular basis. We've been working on getting her to sort her own stuff out since Yr 4, so this isn't a new thing for her either. Her primary school are a lot more forgiving of this sort of forgetfulness, and try and help them to get themselves organised and independent.

I remember starting secondary school, and we used to get a report for any missing items. 3 reports were a detention. If I'd waited until Yr7 to start getting her to secondary levels of independence, then she'd be in for a hella shock.

Ohyesiam · 27/04/2017 08:03

Ds is 10, he stays home alone during the day for up to 90 mins. He's Just started walking 10 mins to local park with friends, they know to stick together, etc.
No phone, has a Nintendo thing.

Empireoftheclouds · 27/04/2017 08:06

One is so less than a ten minute walk across no roads, the other is three miles away so I'd have to drop her off so I think she'll be fine. you are completely missing the point. By secondary she needs to be able to do it, as part of her basic personal development, regardless of whether it is geographically possible.

Annahibiscuits · 27/04/2017 08:12

I think you are mixing issues. Independence and life skills, involved with going out alone eg swimming is one thing. Make up and technology is different to that

The first one is essential, second not so much

PuckeredAhole · 27/04/2017 08:18

I'm the same as you op. Childhood is so short. Why give it up during primary school years? 10 is too young for iPhones and make-up. There's plenty of time for that. I teach 15 year olds many of whom dress and act beyond their years. There is sadness in their eyes from the difficult lives they lead. A childhood lost through no fault of their own.

So if your child doesn't have to grow up, why allow it?

And to all the pps who have implied that her dd has no friends because of this. I would not change my parenting and protecting my dd so she can hang around with try hard 10 year olds. She can find other like-minded friends.

Swipe left for the next trending thread