Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
FelixtheMouse · 25/04/2017 18:59

Gets popcorn.

LittleWingSoul · 25/04/2017 18:59

Tricky I guess really...

A good friend of mine divulged to me that she started an affair 2 days after she was back from her honeymoon. I'd been a witness at her wedding!!! She changed in my eyes. As much as I miss our friendship, I keep an arms length as she has clearly got some funny ideas about loyalty and honesty.

alltouchedout · 25/04/2017 19:00

Yanbu. Open relationships etc- fine and dandy. Infidelity? Actual cheating? Not fine. Of course I'll judge that.

TheGoodWife16 · 25/04/2017 19:01

I've experienced the fall out as a child of parental playing away and despised both of my parents for their frequent inability to keep their nether regions from straying into uncharted territory. DH and I have been married 16 years and I am as besotted with him now as I was 18 years ago. I couldn't do it to him, I'd break his heart. If I ever became so unhappy and our marriage was seriously breaking down, I'd walk away. I couldn't be unfaithful, it's just not something my head would allow.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/04/2017 19:01

Other peoples relationships are their business.

supermoon100 · 25/04/2017 19:02

I agree op but I guess every one's got their reasons for doing so. However I have been royally roasted on a previous thread for expressing said disapproval...

sonlypuppyfat · 25/04/2017 19:03

I think people who play away from home are scum, sorry but I do

treaclesoda · 25/04/2017 19:04

I strongly disapprove as well. It tells me that the person is untrustworthy. They may still be a nice, kind person, but they're someone who puts their own wants first no matter who it will hurt.

Instasista · 25/04/2017 19:05

I try not to judge. The people I know who have affairs are terrifically unhappy.

KenAdams · 25/04/2017 19:05

It's a shitty thing to do. If you want to leave someone then leave them before you get with someone else. Cheating is a deplorable thing to do.

Crowdblundering · 25/04/2017 19:05

I had a really messed up childhood due to both parents infidelity but putting on a sham marriage.

I married someone I thought they approved of, was throughly miserable and had an affair and left my husband.

I think given the right circumstances everyone is capable of being unfaithful and I don't believe its anyone else's business to judge.

Angelicinnocent · 25/04/2017 19:06

Yanbu, had a friend who did this and excused it as "what he doesn't know, doesn't hurt" etc. I couldn't feel the same about her after that.

upwardsandonwards33 · 25/04/2017 19:06

Yanbu. The effects of cheating - distrust, anxiety, children being hurt are awful.

AmysTiara · 25/04/2017 19:07

Yep i agree.

JellyWitch · 25/04/2017 19:08

I don't judge. Not my business.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 25/04/2017 19:08

I agree. An affair is one sided. I believe in fairness. Either have an open relationship or sleep around being single. You made a promise to someone to be faithful to them and then you break your promise. I do see in black and white. I get that some relationships are lonely but split up first.

Camnico · 25/04/2017 19:09

I don't judge. All I will say is I know how I'd feel if I found out my partner was cheating. I'd be heartbroken! Sad

LanaDReye · 25/04/2017 19:12

YANBU
Having been cheated on and absolutely knowing that I wouldn't I don't understand the lack in conscience. It's not a small accident it's cruel deceit.

Haliez13 · 25/04/2017 19:13

I think most people will, in their lives, do something shitty that I don't approve of. If I cut ties with all of them, I'd have no friends. Life is complicated and we never know the whole story.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 19:14

There are some people who are just scum with no respect and don't care about anyone but themselves.

There are some people who are good people but in difficult and trying circumstances.

There are some people who are good people but married to arseholes (somewhere on here is a poster whose husband is violent and abusive and even threatened to kill her animals, but she's forever the villain because she had a brief affair with someone who didn't treat her like shit. No, she didn't leave first. Is it that easy for abused women?)

There are some people whose marriages are over in all but the legalities.

On MN I have seen people sincerely arguing to legalise breaking the bones of someone who slept with your husband, and that frankly floors me.

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 25/04/2017 19:14

I met someone else while married. Nothing happened until I ended it with my husband though.

Well we kissed and I knew the minute I kissed him that was the end for my marriage.

However everyone blames me for us splitting which it was my fault but if he hadn't cheated on me and battered me constantly I wouldn't have ran at the first man that showed an interest and helped me leave him by giving me the courage to know I wasn't destined to live like that forever.

elodie2000 · 25/04/2017 19:15

YANBU. People will try and justify it but unless it is a mutually 'open' relationship, the person having the affair is scum.
The person knowingly having a relationship with a married person is also scum.
In fact, they should ALWAYS fuck off together until one of them has another affair and the whole cycle starts again.

Original poster
ncrant · 25/04/2017 19:15

Ok, thanks to all for replying - esp those of you who don't judge. But if you don't mind me asking, if you don't judge, what do you actually think? Is it just as straightforward as 'that's their business, not mine'? Or anything else?

OP posts:
Crowdblundering · 25/04/2017 19:15

Haliez13 this exactly.

More of the people in LTR that I know (from a diverse array of backgrounds) have at some point been unfaithful whether their partners are aware or not.

c3pu · 25/04/2017 19:17

Cheating is a shitty thing to do, but doing shitty things is a trait of being human.