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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

363 replies

ncrant · 25/04/2017 18:52

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 25/04/2017 21:25

One of the most difficult threads I find to read are the ones regarding people who cheat. I find it so hard to believe that all these people are quite as perfect as they appear to be. Humans are flawed....they make mistakes. Life is not black and white and things happen that are undesirable. Who the hell is in the position to call somebody a cunt or scum because they have done something that you disapprove of? I have encountered many many people over the years who have been violent to their partners, who have been abusive, who have been controlling and vile, who have beaten their children, rubbed chillies in their eyes and genitals, made them eat their own poo, raped babies. I could go on. Once you have encountered real scum of that start to place things in some kind of perspective. I'm not condoning affairs but if a friend of mine was unfaithful I wouldn't cast her out, I wouldn't disown her. She's my friend.....I don't walk in her shoes. Neither do you.

Sallystyle · 25/04/2017 21:27

I cheated in my first marriage. I am not scum. I am a decent, kind and loving person actually.

I was young, I felt stuck and didn't know how to leave so in my immaturity and stupidity I thought someone else might take me away from it. I was also in a financially abusive marriage with a man who didn't care that I was mentally ill and did nothing to support me.

It doesn't make my actions right and I spent a long time feeling bad. I don't any longer. I made a poor decision during a poor MH period when I was feeling lonely and scared and that does not make me scum. If people want to judge me for that they can go ahead. I forgive myself and my ex forgave me too, like I forgave him.

BTW I have been re-married for 11 years and have never even been tempted by another man because I am happy, grown up and I also know that if I ever needed to leave DH I now have strength and could support myself financially.

I judge some cheaters, depending on the individual situation. It's never ok, but without knowing everything I won't make blanket judgments.

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/04/2017 21:32

I'm with you OP. I always think that they are not theirs to take when someone has an affair with a married person. Its not their business to help split a marriage. Find someone who isn't married.

Sallystyle · 25/04/2017 21:35

There really are no excuses for an affair. There are reasons to leave relationships though & if things are that shit, you walk. You don't go & fuck someone else

Excuses, no. Reasons, sometimes.

It sounds so easy to up and leave. It might not seem that easy if you are suffering with poor mental health and have been financially controlled and feel completely stuck. Especially if you are very young and know you will be stuck with a lot of debt.

Clearly, having an affair isn't the answer. But sometimes when you are that lonely, that unhappy and that scared and you think the person you are having an affair with can whisk you away and help you out of your shit hole it doesn't seem so black and white at the time.

Now I am over a decade older I can see the flaws in my logic, back then when I was in an emotionally unhealthy place and with a financially abusive husband who didn't care that I was very unwell it wasn't quite so clear cut in my mind.

purplecollar · 25/04/2017 21:38

The weird thing is though - I really do still judge the woman who took up with BIL. She knew he was married, living with his wife and dc. She flirted, overstepped the friendship mark. Then complained to friends, how difficult it was, going out with a married man. I don't really buy into the "we just fell in love" when people are nearing 50. Get a grip. You are a bit of a turd if you encourage someone who's married with a family, whether or not they appear unhappy in that marriage/partnership.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 21:38

I'm totally baffled. On the Relationships board there are countless women in relationships that are toxic, abusive, cold, damaging and downright dangerous. They are urged to leave, but everybody understands very much why they may well not be able to bring themselves to do it. Lots of MNers seem to know that it takes the average abused woman eight attempts to leave before managing it, or something like that.

Yet if faced with sexual (and emotional, and psychological) temptation on top of these sorts of miserable situations, suddenly it's a piece of cake, the simplest procedure.

I despair.

Megbert · 25/04/2017 21:44

The relationship board is also full of posters whose lives have been utterly destroyed by infidelity.

It's hardly shocking that people are of the opinion that leaving is the right thing to do.

TomaytoTomahto · 25/04/2017 21:46

This is going to sound harsh, but I think people who have affairs are mostly selfish or utter cowards. If you want to be with someone else, spare everyone the agony and just leave.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 21:48

I think a lot of those posters would have been just as devastated at being told their partners were leaving them for someone else, even if that new relationship hadn't been physically consummated at that stage.

I'm not downplaying the pain or destruction. I just think there are a lot of occasions where the affair is the symptom rather than the cause.

And a lot of them are just fucking arseholes too.

UppityHumpty · 25/04/2017 21:50

@PoorYorick Leaving someone for someone else is a shitty thing to do. If the marriage is so bad leave: don't wait until you've backed up your replacement!

spareusername · 25/04/2017 21:51

I've been in polyamorous relationships for over 20 years (DH for over 20 years, others over 10 and 15 years). If I'm talking to people I'm unlikely to see again, I sometimes mention it.

Most people go "each to their own" or "don't envy you, trying to keep two blokes in order", or similar. The ones who are adamant that there's no way poly could work, or that it's not natural or lacks commitment or whatever, are invariably people having affairs.

I guess people having affairs persuade themselves they didn't really have an alternative, so really get thrown when they meet someone demonstrating that actually, they did have a choice.

CreamCheez · 25/04/2017 21:51

I strongly disapprove of it too. And I had one. I strongly disapprove of myself for doing it. I was wrong. But I don't disapprove of myself as a person. It happened. I can't change that. I can only regret it.

Sallystyle · 25/04/2017 21:52

I don't see how anyone can put all cheating into one box.

The woman who has an affair when she is an abusive relationship because she is so run down, her confidence is knocked and someone comes along and shows her some attention and maybe what she thinks is love. She might think this man is the answer to her problems. No matter if it is logical or not.

The woman who goes out for the night and sees a man she likes the look of, she goes back to his for sex. Then goes home to her doting husband.

Big difference right? I wouldn't feel any compassion for the abusive husband because his wife cheated on him.

To say you judge all cheaters and to call them names is a bit strange.

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 25/04/2017 21:54

Uppity the man I met gave me the courage to leave my abusive husband. If I hadn't met him I would probably still be there.

I certainly didn't have him lined up.

TomaytoTomahto · 25/04/2017 21:56

PoorYorick Yes, it'll still be devastating. But I don't think that can even begin to compare with actual cheating. At least that way, you don't have to deal with the humiliation of finding out months later, the torture of wondering if your DH/DW/DP was thinking/visualising the other person whenever they're sleeping with you etc.

Symptom rather than cause, I agree. That doesn't make it acceptable.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 21:57

@PoorYorick Leaving someone for someone else is a shitty thing to do. If the marriage is so bad leave: don't wait until you've backed up your replacement!

So "I'm sorry, I don't love you, I love someone else and I'm leaving" is wrong, but "I'm sorry, I don't love you, I'd rather live alone and I'm leaving" is acceptable?

Your theory is lovely. In practise, a lot of people don't realise how unhappy they are or how tense their relationship is until they meet someone they actually get on with. They may not have had a functional relationship with which to compare it.

At any rate, if you don't love one person and do love another, I think it's absolute insanity to stay in a relationship that can't be making either of you happy.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 22:00

I don't see how anyone can put all cheating into one box.

It's the only thing on MN that appears to have no nuance. There is absolutely no difference between the abused, neglected and vulnerable, lonely person and the twat who trawls Ashley Madison or actively pursues married men for the ego kick.

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 22:04

The ones who are adamant that there's no way poly could work, or that it's not natural or lacks commitment or whatever, are invariably people having affairs. I guess people having affairs persuade themselves they didn't really have an alternative, so really get thrown when they meet someone demonstrating that actually, they did have a choice.

That is very very interesting. Can you elaborate?

Crowdblundering · 25/04/2017 22:07

What about an MN step mother who cheats - do they just get banished?! Grin

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 22:08

What about an MN step mother who cheats - do they just get banished?!

Depends. Does she use a toilet brush?

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 25/04/2017 22:08

So "I'm sorry, I don't love you, I love someone else and I'm leaving" is wrong, but "I'm sorry, I don't love you, I'd rather live alone and I'm leaving" is acceptable?

Well yes, do you not think there's a big difference? Likely in the second version you might try counselling if there's no abuse, and sometimes it turns out things got in a rut, and feelings can be rekindled.
In the first version, someone has moved on, and found a new relationship whilst deceiving someone they promised fidelity to.

They're very different.

Crowdblundering · 25/04/2017 22:10

Depends. Does she use a toilet brush?

... and frequent "Greggs" Confused

PoorYorick · 25/04/2017 22:15

Likely in the second version you might try counselling if there's no abuse, and sometimes it turns out things got in a rut, and feelings can be rekindled.

This could also be the case after an affair. But for the sake of this thought experiment, the leaver has made up their mind.

In the first version, someone has moved on, and found a new relationship whilst deceiving someone they promised fidelity to.

But if they haven't actually shagged the person until ten minutes after this conversation, that is what makes it acceptable to the hive mind. They're doing the right thing and leaving before they fuck, right?

clumsyduck · 25/04/2017 22:16

I try not to judge . Despite been left single and pregnant by cheating exp . Iv learnt over the years that there really is no black and white to relationships

Someone upthread mentioned people been poly if it was more socially accepted . I do wonder if this could be part of the problem with the " if your not happy leave " view . Maybe people are happy but monogamy isn't for everyone ? Or maybe people think their relationship is bad because they are still finding others attractive and we are socially conditioned to think that we should be happy with "the one" and no need to look elsewhere .

It's very easy to say "don't be monogamous then , be single etc " but in reality how acceptable is that when everyone assumes people will "settle down" and some point . That still seems to be the done thing doesn't it and especially for women if your not doing that people seem to think it's only a matter of time you know the whole " aww youl meet someone " line

Just me wondering really , this thread has got me thinking !

LilacSpatula · 25/04/2017 22:21

I totally agree, although it's very easy to judge from the outside.

My sister 'cheated' on her husband with his best friend and they have now been together for 15 years and have two children, which was perfectly right for them both.

In short, it's very hard to tell if it's right or not when it's just happened and also soooo easy to judge, but perhaps we just shouldn't.

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