To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

[ncrant]

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

[emilybrontescorset]

Of course adulterers can always find reasons to cheat.
They often blame their partner because after all nobody is perfect.
Excuses vary from not getting enough attention, not being exciting enough, working too hard , not working hard enough, blah blah.
My view is if you are unhappy grow the fuck up and speak to your oh.
Explain how you feel and if the situation cannot be resolved agree to split amicably.
Don't be a cheat.
Of course lots of cheaters don't do this because they want to have their cake and eat it.
Hmm their oh can't be that bad then after all.

[CopperRose]

It is not more complicated than that. People make it more complicated with excuses and validation. But it is choosing your immediate desires over your own kids security and happiness. That is gross to me.

YY

Affairs are really very boringly uncomplicated things.

Selfishness, deceit, putting ones own needs above others.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

That's assuming everyone is unhappy who cheats

That's not the case some people just want more of course it's a selfish attitude or they get carried away with the excitement

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Why did you namechange to post this inflammatory thread, OP? Too cowardly to post under your usual name?

It's none of your business quite frankly. People like you who would post a thread like this, will judge about ANYTHING and revel in any name-calling that ensues. The reference to being scum, as MrsKoala has posted about says very much about you and your motives.

Are you being unreasonable to judge? Moot question really. You'll do so regardless and take great pleasure from it. I couldn't care less.

I'll leave you to enjoy your thigh-rubbing.

[Nutterfly]

I don't blame the OW but I certainly don't think much of her. She had a child the same age as my DC and I saw a message to exH where she said she knew she was risking her own relationship as well as ours if the respective partners found out.
Blame, no. If not her, it would have been someone else.
But I do have a very low opinion of her simply because she was quite aware that what she was doing might break up her DCs (and my) family and she did it anyway.

[Haliez13]

It's been odd reading this thread and the other thread on whether it's acceptable to leave your wife and kids which is also in AIBU. The general attitude here is that it's not acceptable to have an affair and if you're unhappy in your marriage you should just leave.

The general attitude on the other thread is that if you're a parent, it's not acceptable to just leave, your first job is to continue to support your family. I think that's pretty common and is one of the reasons people do stay in unhappy relationships for far longer than they should do.

[Haliez13]

This is also a very interesting piece on the subject.

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/transcript?language=en

[FindoGask]

I used to think an affair would be an absolute dealbreaker in my own marriage, but now with two children and after 17 years together I'm not so sure. And I certainly wouldn't judge someone else for having an affair.

[MaisyPops]

The general attitude here is that it's not acceptable to have an affair and if you're unhappy in your marriage you should just leave.

The general attitude on the other thread is that if you're a parent, it's not acceptable to just leave, your first job is to continue to support your family. I think that's pretty common and is one of the reasons people do stay in unhappy relationships for far longer than they should do
Mumsnet logic.
Because struggling through in a relationship you're not happy in is a sign of just how dedicated you are as a parent. Even better if you can spend your time complaining to other mams about things your DH does that annoys you because you can bond over how rubbish your men are and how great you are as mams.

[Aderyn2016]

I dont think anyone believes you should just leave, not if you have kids. Most people think you should try everything you can to fix the relationship and if it cannot be fixed then separate. You should do everything you can to make separation as painless for the dc as possible, which comes back to always having their emotional and financial wellbeing in the forefront of your mind.
None of that is compatible with cheating on their other parent!

[MaQueen]

When my best friend of many years had an affair with a married man I cut contact with her. She eventually ended the affair, and we sort of made up. But our friendship has never been the same, as she's not my best friend anymore.

I need my friends to have integrity.

[danTDM]

You have integrity MaQueen, in all that you do?

Forgive me, I thought you were LaQueen previously.

[Haliez13]

Aderyn2016 - Oh, I'm not saying cheating is AOK. Just that reading that thread made it clearer to me why people stay in drastically unhappy relationships far longer than they should, and don't, as everyone on this thread has been saying "just leave" before they get to the point of being attracted or seeking affection from anyone else.

[GrandDesespoir]

I've dropped friends because of affairs and had no problem telling them to their face why.

I dropped a friend on Friday last week because she is untrustworthy.

You say this as if you're incredibly proud of yourself and expect huge admiration for your astonishing ethics. Let him - or her - who is without sin and all that...

[Tobolsk]

YNBU, For me getting married is a life commitment, that takes work.

I don't see divorce as a option available to me. If I was unhappy I wouldn't cheat

[GrandDesespoir]

hollyisalovelyname

Since you asked... I don't walk away because I have been unhappily single for well over a decade, because every man I've tried to be involved with in that time has treated me like crap, because nothing I do seems to result in a successful relationship (and believe me, I've tried a million different ways to meet someone and to make it work), because I'm lonely, because I'm starved of affection - emotional and physical - and because I no longer have the strength to soldier on through life completely on my own when there is the offer of some love and support.

I didn't go looking for it, I didn't chase him, I have turned down other married men in the past purely for moral reasons, I would far rather he were single or it were someone else who is single, and I'm not happy about it. But I'm even less happy to feel lonely and isolated. It's entirely unsatisfactory and I feel guilty, but I'm worn down by endless shitty non-relationships and feeling like a fucking pariah while all my friends are married with children.

I don't know why he won't leave his wife. He says they have not had sex for fifteen years, although this could of course be a lie. He doesn't have young children.

I'm not trying to excuse this liaison, but just offer another reason as to why otherwise fairly ethical people (i.e. not modern-day saints, but averagely decent people) can act in this way.

[pinkiponk]

I'm lucky to have some very loyal friends who supported me when I was a twat and had an affair (I was single, he was not, I was young and an idiot). To this day it's by far and away the worst thing I have done, and I'm so glad I didn't lose friends because of it.
I have in turn not judged my friends over the years for a myriad of things, because I value their close friendship, companionship and loyalty. I would have been mortified to lose a friend over it, I wasn't in a good place at the time (generally happy people don't have affairs), and it wouldn't have changed my actions but it would have made me feel shit.

[Aderyn2016]

Pinki, I think when you are young and single and don't have kids, you don't really always understand what marriage means or fully appreciate the utter devastation cheating can cause to families. That being the case, it would be wrong (I think) to put blame on a young person.
Older people, who do have kids and life experience know exactly what thry are doing amd just don't give a shit.

[CopperRose]

I feel guilty

Bollocks.

[User627938362]

I don't drop my friends for anything.

I personally don't care who they are shagging. In fact I have been with them on holidays etc when they have been. Their wives haven't got a clue. Some are serial shaggers.

People only make excuses to validate their behaviour when they are caught.

None of the blokes I know who do this want to leave their wives. They are just greedy.

[CopperRose]

Since you asked... I don't walk away because I have been unhappily single for well over a decade, because every man I've tried to be involved with in that time has treated me like crap, because nothing I do seems to result in a successful relationship (and believe me, I've tried a million different ways to meet someone and to make it work), because I'm lonely, because I'm starved of affection - emotional and physical - and because I no longer have the strength to soldier on through life completely on my own when there is the offer of some love and support.

This self-indulgent poor-me shit is exactly the 'justification' the woman my ex-husband chose to fuck attempted to bore me with.

Just because you have zero self-esteem & zero self-worth, why should some other poor woman have to be punished?

Stop being such a drip, leave him & work on your self-esteem. When you respect yourself others will respect you.

[pinkiponk]

Thanks Aderyn I am now married with a child, as he was at the time, and I'm the same age as he was then. I can't phantom how he betrayed her. I have never cheated on my DH and just couldn't face him if I did.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Grand
Thank you for your explanation.
I'm sad that you're settling for somebody that won't give their full commitment to you.
You deserve to have that. Everyone does.

[JanetBrown2015]

Grand, thanks for the clear explanation.
I once talked to a friend (he is married and just a friend) about his lover. She apparently said she quite liked living along and just having him for their once a week sex, presents, the emails and calls and didn't mind Christmas alone. of course that was probably just what he was saying but he did point me to her anonymous on line blog and she did seem fairly happy. It did end as these things do and he is still of course with his wife.

Another man someone I knew through work amazingly because I'm divorced thought he could "confide" in me about falling in love with some 20 something (silly silly man not that I said that - some of these people just want someone who won't judge them to talk things over with and I often try to put the wife's side of it by the way). He didn't leave his wife either and his lover wanted money, he made a smallish loan, probably fairly large for him and of course he never got it back.

The person who is married and the person they go to bed with always has a choice (unless there is rape). They could instead sort out their marriage problems or only enter polygamous relationships by consent with everyone or divorce and only after that find someone else. Nothing is forcing them to have a bit on the side.