To strongly disapprove of people who have affairs?

[ncrant]

NC for this.

Really, AIBU? Is this more acceptable/expected now?

I have several friends who are having/had affairs with married people. They tell me their trouble. They're good people, but I can't be sympathetic, and mostly I don't know what to say. Inside, I am thinking (angrily) - just DON'T do this, it is wrong. Married people aren't available, full stop. If someones still in a relationship, just leave well alone. I recognise that life is very very complicated (and both parties are responsible), but I can't feel any less black and white about this.

So just interested in views. AIBU to completely judge? Should I try and understand more?

[LilacSpatula]

Btw they are a beautiful family and the first DH wouldn't have worked out anyway.

[PoorYorick]

I'd say there are definitely people who don't suit monogamy and shouldn't pretend to be trying it.

I'm sorry about what happened to you, clumsyduck. That must have been so devastating. I hope he is at least supporting you and co parenting responsibly.

[backwardnames]

I can understand why people might do it. I am in a really difficult stage of my marriage which I have allowed to rumble on for years 'because of the children'. Recently, I have been tempted to have an affair. The only reason why I didn't do it is because the temptation has woken me up to the fact I need to make a decision about my marriage and I can't afford for my judgement to be clouded. I am a woman with options - I have a good career, money behind me and a husband (I think) who wouldn't be a complete tosser over a divorce. If I didn't have the choice of a divorce then quite frankly I would have had the affair (I still might do it but not while we are living in the same house).

[LilacSpatula]

Having said that, my DM's first husband cheated on her and she was devastated but without him doing this I wouldn't have been born. Still cannot sit at a dining table with him though because of what he did to my 30yr old Mum. Arse. And he did it again and again...

[faithinthesound]

I think affairs are a bit like abortions, or gay marriage. If you don't like them, then don't have one. Otherwise, mind your own business.

(Obvious exceptions for when your spouse has the affair and leaves you to pick up the pieces, but this just sounds like pearl clutching and other-people's-business minding to me and I am not here for it.)

[LilacSpatula]

Spirited - poo? Babies? WTAF?!????????

[LilacSpatula]

You're still allowed an opinion faithinthesound and it's not AT ALL like gay marriage. People have a choice about whether to embark on an affair and hurt those around them and I'm not condemning them but this is absolutley nothing like gay marriage

What is wrong with you?!???

[LilacSpatula]

Or abortions you weirdo

[workingmumsarebad]

Once you have been on the receiving end of your DP having an affair - then you never understand how effing awful soul destroying, confidence sapping and devastating it is.

To those people who say - well look the " new couple" are great - does not excuse the hurt they have done. Finish it first then see the other person.

There are no excuses

[clumsyduck]

poor thanks

Yes Strange As it sounds it worked out for the best because im sure he would have cheated if not then, then at some point in the relationship . He's a good dad seems to have " grown up" a bit and I have moved on and have a lovely dp now.

I guess these are the grey areas I mean, to me his behaviour was just 100% selfish ( the timing for example not just because it happened to me !) but I don't consider everyone who cheats to be so, there are often a lot of complicated factors

[backwardnames]

I agree with you LilacSpatula. I don't think it is right to be judgemental.

[spareusername]

Yorick Obviously there's plenty of people who don't approve of polyamory or open relationships but they tend to just change the subject or edge away quietly. The ones who go off on one and seem personally offended by my existence are always cheaters.

For reference, multiple relationships are much more boring than they sound, what with still only having 24 hours in a day, jobs, children to look after, etc. Plus scheduling. But it does obviously have perks. IME you need to be able to figure out your emotions and needs pretty well or it won't work, and I suspect that's what most people who have affairs aren't so good at, getting as far as "something's wrong in relationship 1, here's the chance to do something different, I'll do it."
Seems to be steaming resentment from some cheaters when they see other having multiple partners without the risk of it going tits up as badly as with an affair. Poly breakups can get complex but generally less nasty, too.

[Maxandrubyrubyandmax]

Relationships are not black and white. For every couple there is a different dynamic different needs and different strengths and weaknesses. There's an old saying "you never know what goes on behind closed doors" I know some couples who appear to be really close and live almost perfect lives yet behind closed doors the wife has mentally checked out of the relationship or the husband thinks sex once every 6 months is enough but the husband is the only one who works and knows his child will be devastated if he leaves and he will be financially devastated by divorce, or everything else is great except the lack of sex. Which is best? Carry on a very discreet affair or split up families? I've known lots of people do this, it's far more common than people think. ive worked in teams where the people having affairs outnumbered those not most of whom are still married. They're not bad people for having an affair. I sometimes wonder whether people's outrage is based on the fear it could happen to them. And yes I have been cheated on, neither person was evil, scum or a cunt. I was hurt but not sure if it would have been any less painful if they had just left. In a perfect world everyone would be with a perfect person who fulfilled every need and no one would have any weaknesses but we are human.

[Rufus200]

My parents both had multiple affairs, they were miserable together. My dad wouldn't let my mum go because of control, she didn't leave because he made it clear he wouldn't pay for our private education anymore and would screw his own kids to hurt her.

I think having an affair is lowest of the low! I have been cheated on as well. If you aren't happy in a relationship either work on it or leave. Hurting the other person is just cruel!

[bellarinaroo]

I had an affair, fell in love etc. Still with guy 8 years on with a DD and very very happy.

It was out of character for me, I lost LOTS of friends over it.

[MaisyPops]

In terms of having an affair, its not right and I don't agree with cheating but think sometimes decent people can make rubbish decisions for a range of reasons.

I think everyone has done things in life that aren't perfect. As a result I dont judge, or try not to if it's an otherwise nice person who is just making a choice I disagree with.

(Obviously, people who serially cheat I think are total dickheads)

[Iggi999]

I've had friends who have had affairs (married and unmarried) and I feel more critical of them having been on mumsnet and read so many depressingly predictable threads where some arsehole has a second phone etc. I don't tell them this, but I can't join in with the whole relationship chat that I would if they were all single. It's sad seeing an intelligent woman fall for the same old crap about how his marriage is over. I also feel more critical when there are small children involved. But this is all internal, ideally I wouldn't be involved at all.

[loverlybunchofcoconuts]

But if they haven't actually shagged the person until ten minutes after this conversation, that is what makes it acceptable to the hive mind. They're doing the right thing and leaving before they fuck, right?

No! That's also a crap way to treat someone you made promises to, because clearly you were in a relationship with someone else already (an emotional affair), so still cheating.
The point is not that you have to wait to have sex with someone else, til you tell your partner of many years, the point is to not even get into that close relationship with someone else, when you're married/living together.
I'm amazed that some people don't understand that idea. It is possible to not pursue an attraction - lots of people you bump into in life will be attractive to us in some way, that's how we're wired up. Commitment can and does involve not pursuing anyone else when they may seem new and exciting compared to someone you've lived with and know really well.
As others have said, if you don't fancy declining all offers, and not pursuing mutual attraction if and when it happens with someone else, you shouldn't enter into a committed relationship.

[needsahalo]

Btw they are a beautiful family and the first DH wouldn't have worked out anyway

So that's OK then? Really?

I was married for 10 years and with hindsight should never have married him. I know that but I can't put into words the devastation my ex's affair brought me. I will never recover - not fully. It's just not possible. He had no right to do that to me and say 'I love you' in the same breath. I am sure he was unhappy but -crucially- so was I. I didn't sleep around as a means by which to deal with the unhappiness.

[dilapidated]

Agree with hailez13

''I think most people will, in their lives, do something shitty that I don't approve of. If I cut ties with all of them, I'd have no friends. Life is complicated and we never know the whole story''

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

humans are flawed

And we all are in some way

[HeatherWahlquist]

Buying a marriage certificate is like buying bottled air. Who's the dummy?

But, back to the point: I think, you have just displaced your disapproval. The person who thinks they have a right to feel troubled while they are slumming around against their own self respect -Is a very unsympathetic person. Now, they wanna talk about it? Out loud? Cry to a friend? Delusional is not attractive.

So, maybe it's not the subject matter (sleeping with the married) that makes you feel judgey...It's your friends' entitlement issues.

[Ericaequites]

If you can break marriage vows, other promises become easier to break. The is a reason Americans in the military can be court maritaled for adultery. The rules should be the same for men and women. By cheating, you aren't just hurting your partner. Consider what this means to your children.
Yes, I dated two married men in my twenties. Both were cads, and threw me over. Affairs rarely end happily.
Life is earnest, real, and all about commitment.

[BenadrylCucumberpatch]

I try not to judge but do.
I wish people who've had affairs would just own their actions.
When uncovered, just accept blame and admit you're at fault. That you didn't care who got hurt, and did as you pleased.

My XH had an affair with his 'first love' from before we met- she was also married at the time.
When I found out it was the last straw, he'd tried to convince me I was mentally ill and imagining things when I suspected something was going on, when it clicked I made him move out that night. I didn't want him anymore. He turned up at her home the next day- obviously, because what did he have to lose?- and so it all came out to her husband.

He was fucking devastated and actually wanted to work on their marriage to fix it for their family, but her mind was set- she had her second chance with her first love and made her Husband move out the same day.
They had 2 children. She then moved my H into her house with her kids the same fucking day their Dad left.

So those kids woke up with their Mum and Dad in bed one day, and the next day, no Dad there and a stranger in their 'D'M's bed.

Obviously this caused massive trauma to all concerned, and disapproval from everyone, so her justification to everyone was that her H was a violent, controlling man that never let her go anywhere yet she managed to conduct an affair just fine.
Fast forward many years, and the OW's Husband is actually married to a friend of mine and I know him well. He's never so much as raised his voice to her let alone a hand. He was painted as an absolute bastard to excuse her and my XH's disgraceful actions, when there was no excuse at all.

So yes, I'd say if you're going to have an affair, if you're found out at least hold your hands up and take accountability for your cuntish actions.

[TheStoic]

The point is not that you have to wait to have sex with someone else, til you tell your partner of many years, the point is to not even get into that close relationship with someone else, when you're married/living together. I'm amazed that some people don't understand that idea.

I'm amazed that some people have such little understanding of human nature that they STILL cannot understand why this happens. It has always happened, and it will always happen until the end of time.

Whether it is 'OK' is irrelevant.