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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about photos on husbands phone?

273 replies

blueocean88 · 24/04/2017 20:03

We're on holiday at the moment and I was on my husbands iPad with our son looking through photos, he got excited swiping through and accidentally deleted one. I went into deleted photos to retrieve it and there's photos in there that my husbands taken of women around the pool. Obviously angry/upset I looked at his messages and he'd messaged a friend saying there was loads of Milfs in our hotel. He's since deleted that message but can only assume he's sent the photos to his friend. I'm really upset about it, haven't said anything to husband yet as don't even know what to say and really don't want to ruin our holiday. Would you be upset about this?

OP posts:
GloriaGilbert · 25/04/2017 11:31

I would be very upset at this, I really would. Unfortunately, I'm not overly surprised that a 28 year old, who had been with the same woman for 8 years (so no real experience of other women), would do this. We all like to think that our Partners don't look at other women, but they're not blind, and if these women are topless, the guy must feel like a kid in a sweet shop.

I'd think it a bit weird if my husband didn't look at other women.

I can say with certainty he'd never take a picture, because he's not a pervert.

SoapyTitWank · 25/04/2017 11:40

Famous last words Gloria Grin

GiantDuckRampage · 25/04/2017 11:52

I'm not overly surprised that a 28 year old, who had been with the same woman for 8 years (so no real experience of other women), would do this. We all like to think that our Partners don't look at other women, but they're not blind, and if these women are topless, the guy must feel like a kid in a sweet shop.

I hate this attitude when it comes to men doing shitty things, how could he help himself when there is tits everywhere Hmm easily, have respect for women whether you've had a million girlfriends or one, there's a huge difference between seeing people and taking creepy pics of them (and sending them to others), and there is no excuse for that and you don't need lots of girlfriends to know that it's completely wrong.

SapphireStrange · 25/04/2017 11:59

I know if I was at a pool, and some guys were bottomless, that I would find it hard not to look. I wouldn't take photo's and I wouldn't text a friend to say I'd like to shag anyone

Well that's the difference, isn't it? So what's your point?

SoapyTitWank · 25/04/2017 12:03

I took a photo of an Italian dude on the beach in the smallest white speedos I'd ever seen. He was playing with a bat and ball and was leaping about all over the place. I was mesmerised. I posted it to my fb for all my friends to see.
Call the police, take me away, lock me up in perv towers and throw away the key.

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 12:14

I've been pondering on this when walking the dogs, and wondering what the responses would be, to this Op, posted by a female:

"I'm on holiday with my DH and DS. I'd had a few wines with lunch and did something really stupid...I took a photo of a really hot guy at the pool and texted it to my best friend with the caption DILF. My DH found this text and has gone ballistic. Firstly he searched the poolside for the guy in the picture and showed him and his wife the photo that I'd taken. I was mortified. Then he threw the Ipad into the pool. Needless to say, when I retrieved it, it was totally broken. He then packed my bag, ordered me a taxi and told the cab driver to take me to the airport. He's told me that I have to get the next plane home. I'm in the taxi now, and feel quite shaken up.He says he's filing for divorce when he gets home in 2 days time. I know what I did was wrong, but I feel he's over reacted. AIBU?"

I reckon the replies would be very different, but I don't know why...maybe it's because when women ogle men, it's always seen as a bit of fun, but when men ogle women, it's always seen as pervy.

If my DH did this, I would be beyond devastated. So, not condoning whatsoever, just pondering.....

nonsense123 · 25/04/2017 12:15

I work with guys like this. One is 'lovely' at home and charming caring husband devoted to his children and wife and talks affectionately about them even does things as a couple with work mates. But on the other hand has slept with half the assistants he comes across for work which is a lot! In loos, in nightclubs you name it. He mr equAlity to me to my face but reality is he simply values women differently.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 25/04/2017 16:16

I do NOT think this is a divorce offence.
For goodness sake people. OP needs to talk to her husband and see what he has to say for himself. I am sure this is just a childish foto taking to send to his friends with no great thought out into it. He needs to know that it's not okay to do that and move on from there.
Please stop condemning her marriage.
It's good to know you all have perfect husbands and at the first sight of 'trouble, problems' you would all run for a divorce.
We all make mistakes and should be given a chance to redeem ourselves.
I hope you are ok OP. Can't be fun everyone telling you that your husband is a creep.

Dimples86 · 25/04/2017 16:24

I wouldn't say anything yet. If he does that on a family holiday, then I'd be questioning what he does when you are not there. If you approach it now then he'll be on guard , I'd monitor things from now on. Let him know what you found when your ready.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 16:50

But her husband is a creep

Being married to a creep shouldn't be for life. He changed the goalposts.. .unless op is already aware he is a pathetic loser

haveacupoftea · 25/04/2017 16:59

soapytitwank Grin I dread to think what punishment MN would inflict on me for one of my whatsapp groups with my friends, all married professional adults with children. Perv towers definitely beckons.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 25/04/2017 17:00

Ok the guy took fotos he shouldn't have but can all you say that your husbands have NEVER leared over woman......men banter.....'I would give her one!!!'
A lot of them do it. It's not right but it does t mean they are going to cheat or anything.
I am sure plenty of woman seeing a guy in coke ad or something similar would have made comments about how fit the guy was and wouldn't mind waking up to him. Doesn't mean you mean it......it's just harmless banter!

whattheactualfudge · 25/04/2017 17:07

Huge apologies for this, but the first word to pop into my head was 'pervert' (Just being honest).

I'd be running for the hills. Again, just being honest. Not saying that's what you should do.

(I've had bad experiences in past)

peggyundercrackers · 25/04/2017 17:10

the difference in OPs DH is he wrote down what he thought whereas most other men and woman will keep those thoughts in their head... I don't think its divorce material - everyone looks and thinks, some think worse things than others. I also know lots of woman who go on hols and take pics of men and make lewd comments after a glass of wine or 3 so I don't see any difference in their behaviour and this blokes.

as usual though MN goes hysterical over a storm in a Dcup - some of the comments from the usual lot are typical though and not surprising.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 17:11

Some very hard of thinking people on this thread.

Taking surreptitious photos of real women in front of you and distributing them without consent is nothing at all like fancying the diet coke bloke

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 17:14

Peggy, you might want to rethink your friendship group. Their influence has made your brain fall out.

user1471596238 · 25/04/2017 17:17

Not sure why the actions of one bloke would give blokes in general a bad rep.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 17:19

They don't.

But some women are determined to normalize bad behaviour by saying all men do it and if women object the problem is theirs. It makes me wonder what kind of relationships they are enduring themselves.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2017 17:21

He has no respect for women as people. Porn use has made him feel entitled to see any woman as a sexual object to be photographed and then shared.

This is the kind of man who is likely to cheat eventually. That lack of respect and sense of entitlement and ability to disconnect his 'family man' persona from the objectifying/porn use/disrespectful chat with his mates.

Cuppaoftea · 25/04/2017 17:26

If I was sunbathing by the pool while supervising my DCs and discovered one of the other parents, a man who was a stranger to me, had been taking intimate photos of me to store on his tablet/wank over/send to his friend back in the Uk/post up to some 'MILF' porn site I would feel incredibly upset and violated.

I'd make other parents aware and immediately speak to the hotel staff, expecting at the very least he would be removed from the poolside if not asked to leave the hotel.

If I discovered his Wife knew he'd been taking such photos but had turned a blind eye and returned to the pool with him the next day, more worried about noone finding out and her nice holiday being ruined I'd think very little of her behaviour too.

Obsidian77 · 25/04/2017 17:27

I don't agree that women ogling men is seen as fun, although obviously some pp's think its a real jolly jape.
Taking photos of people where they have an expectation of privacy, without their consent and distributing these with sexualised captions tells me that person is sleazy, disrespectful and either doesn't understand consent or doesn't care. Same criticism would apply if it were a woman.
Taking such photos is a behaviour common among stalkers.
It would also concern me that op's DH seems to think his friend would want to see these photographs.
The man in the Diet Coke ad is a professional model who has agreed to have his picture taken.
op can do as she pleases but I do think she is minimising. End of the day if she's happy to tolerate this, that's up to her because unlike the women in the photos, she knows the situation and has a choice in the matter.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 25/04/2017 19:09

How can you all know what he is going to do in the future? Why are you all so judgemental?

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 19:20

You don't judge men who behave like this ? Hmm

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 25/04/2017 19:25

It's not my job to judge people, I am not perfect. But if you are then go ahead and judge.........!!!!

SoapyTitWank · 25/04/2017 19:28

The really judgmental ones prob have husbands who secretly dic pic randoms at work for thrills Grin
Joking not joking Grin

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