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Original poster

To be upset about photos on husbands phone?

273 replies

blueocean88 · 24/04/2017 20:03

We're on holiday at the moment and I was on my husbands iPad with our son looking through photos, he got excited swiping through and accidentally deleted one. I went into deleted photos to retrieve it and there's photos in there that my husbands taken of women around the pool. Obviously angry/upset I looked at his messages and he'd messaged a friend saying there was loads of Milfs in our hotel. He's since deleted that message but can only assume he's sent the photos to his friend. I'm really upset about it, haven't said anything to husband yet as don't even know what to say and really don't want to ruin our holiday. Would you be upset about this?

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 25/04/2017 08:44

Your DH is a creep. Yuck.

Timeforteaplease · 25/04/2017 08:45

TBH, letting his friend know there are lots of women he would like to fuck in the hotel is also pretty disgusting.

TheHobbitMum · 25/04/2017 08:47

Ewwww! That is disgusting, is he 13? I'd be furious, so disrespectful

Dothehokeykokey · 25/04/2017 08:48

" letting his friend know there are lots of women he would like to fuck in the hotel is also pretty disgusting."

Fairly standard banter for lots of men (and woman) really.

No woman on this thread (other than those who have already admitted) has ever messaged a friend or said to a friend while at a gym, pool, beach, restaurant etc that there are men there she would like to have sex with whether it be in a jokey or sleazy way? I don't believe it.

MadMags · 25/04/2017 08:50

Tell you what, OP. Why don't you approach these women today and show them and their families the photos? See how they react. That should be a good indication of how harmless this "banter" is.

Hint: if it was me he had taken photos of, he'd be on his arse.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 25/04/2017 08:52

You haven't ruined the holiday. HE has. Hasn't he heard of consent? Privacy? He's the worst kind of man...sees women as sex objects. I wouldn't want my son around him.

I'd confront him. What a total sleeze.

CosmoKlit · 25/04/2017 08:53

Dothehokeykokey

Yeah, when I have been single I've commented that there's a nice man and I fancy the pants off him. I've never taken sly photographs and sent them around though.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 25/04/2017 08:55

DoTheHokey. Really? Taking pictures of women in a state of undress and sending them to other men indicating that there's plenty of fuckable ladies .... THAT'S banter?

Scribblegirl · 25/04/2017 08:56

So I guess everyone who is ok with this is ok with upskirt photography? I'm struggling to find a difference.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2017 09:06

He's not a lovely guy, op Hmm. That sort of behaviour doesn't exist in a separate bubble in amongst the otherwise "loveliness". Cop on...

Florida28 · 25/04/2017 09:20

WTF!!! What a creep, I get there's no harm in having a look, but that's outright perv-ing and totally disrespectful to both you and the other women he photographed. I'd be spitting nails if I was in either position. I feel so sorry for you having to see that Shock The holiday is already tainted, such a horrible thing for you to see, I think you'd be best having it out with him before heading home. I would be seething Angry

CardinalCat · 25/04/2017 09:31

Yuck, reading this has absolutely turned my stomach, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling, OP.

whether or not your marriage will survive this depends on whether he can rehabilitate himself, not just in his real life actions going forward, but also in how you see him as a man.
If my husband behaved like this, I don't think any amount of begging or crawling would rehabilitate his image in my mind. My skin would crawl if I thought he objectified women in such a way. I could not stay married to a misogynist- he would not be a 'man' that I would like to share my life with.

You may find that you are able to scrub this from your mind, though. Only time will tell I guess.

LurkingHubby · 25/04/2017 09:34

"I am married to a MNer and we are currently on holiday with our DS. A couple of evenings ago I was flicking through some of the photos I took earlier in the holiday and deleted some blurry ones. There were also a couple where the shutter was slow and I missed the shot I was aiming for of my DS jumping into the pool, and ended up with a photo of other holidaymakers on their sunbeds, so I deleted them as well.
Yesterday my DW was looking through the photos with our DS when she suddenly went quiet. Since then I get the feeling something is not right. Should I mention to DW that I have deleted some blurry and mis-timed photos in case she has somehow found and (contrary to her experience of me over the past 8 years) assumed I was deliberately taking photos of other women? Or am I being ridiculous?"
#ThereCouldBeAnExplanation

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 25/04/2017 09:40

It's pretty obvious where a camera is being focused. Somewhat disingenuous lurking!

pnutter · 25/04/2017 09:43

Hmm Lurkinghubby
I've had someone take pics of me (clothed but cleavage etc) and pass them on without my consent/knowledge and it was bloody horrible to find out
Sleazy behaviour imo

kittybiscuits · 25/04/2017 09:43

Total bullshit Lurking. What about the MILF comment? Did he mean to type 'milk'? Hmm

GiantDuckRampage · 25/04/2017 09:47

DoTheHokey I've never took creepy snapshots of men whether dressed or in swimwear without them knowing to send to other people without their permission... nor have I ever texted someone about wanting to sleep with a stranger I've seen. Not sure what's so unbelievable about people saying that Confused

SapphireStrange · 25/04/2017 09:58

He sounds a bit of a male chauvinist and guilty of looking at women as being there for his entertainment, to say the least.

I'm a bit confused about your timeline though. Your OP says Obviously angry/upset I looked at his messages and he'd messaged a friend saying there was loads of Milfs in our hotel, which sounds like you saw the pics and then found the message, but later on you say

I'd read the milf message a few days ago and got angry about it but let it go for the sake of the holiday but seeing the pictures today has made me furious again.

Am I just misunderstanding?

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2017 10:17

She thinks he has secretly been taking pics of women in their bikinis or topless and either sending them to his mate saying he'd like to fuck them or has secretly taken the pics for his own personal viewing later.

This is not normal or common behaviour, and it's not teenage behaviour either, I'd hope any woman with a son would teach them that secretly taking pics of women in a state of undress is obscene and not acceptable.

I would imagine if a woman or her partner found out it could turn very nasty and the op and her family would in all likely hood be asked to leave the hotel. What enables this type of behaviour is the secrecy surrounding it. The moment s victim or someone in charge found out it would be a whole different ballgame. And at that point marriage over would be a serious consideration.

So is being married to a pervert more acceptable if no one knows you're married to a pervert secretly taking pics of women like this?

JaneEyre70 · 25/04/2017 10:47

If his ipad logs into his FB I would simply publish a few of the photos and title it "Perving round the pool". You can set it so that only you and he can see it, but a few seconds of panic would hopefully teach him a valuable lesson. And that iPad would then be going for a nice cooling dip in the pool..............

GloriaGilbert · 25/04/2017 10:55

Goodness. I'd be terribly upset. I guess I'd want to know if he felt that this was normal behaviour.

It's as though he thinks all the women at the pool are little toys in a shop for his examination.

Goldenhandshake · 25/04/2017 11:15

Your DH is a vile man, he has taken photos of women without their consent in very little clothing, for the purpose of perving over with his mates. How would you feel if you had been the subject of a photo like this, taken by another holiday maker around the pool?

He has no respect for you, for the body autonomy of those women he photographed, or for your relationship.

I don't know if my marriage could survive this to be honest, I would be so hurt and disgusted. I am sure other women attract my DH's eye on occasion, but he is decent enough to never let on, never mind start secretly photographing them.

TeaQuiero · 25/04/2017 11:17

Wouldn't this fall under revenge porn laws? Or some other harrassment law? I recall the case of the woman in the US who posted a picture of a fellow gym-goer online and the fallout was massive - police involvement, charges and so on.

It might sound like 'just a little thing' or 'something silly', but the creation and distribution of images shared without consent is actually kind of a big deal.

I suppose the 'mature' thing would be to pleasantly tell him you will be satisfied when justice is done and hand the material to the police. He can have a fine, a record, perhaps a short sentence and be totally humiliated in the papers. That's punishment enough.

Obviously this isn't exactly going to work well in real life.

I don't know. That's a really tough one. Difficult to end a marriage over, but ultimately, it's revealed a sleazy side of him that will be difficult to get past. My first thought would be, OK, he sees nothing wrong with taking photos of women without their consent and sharing them with others without their consent - so will I be next? The Relationships forum has had women on there who've realised their 'DHs' have been photographing and videoing them without their knowledge. It's not unheard of.

Maybe he needs to be treated like a naughty teenager and a mere chat from the police will shit him up and make him realise the enormity of what he's done, but I don't the police do 'friendly warning chats' for adults who commit sex crimes.

Tricky.

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 11:20

Lol at some of the suggestions on here:

Throw Ipad in the pool...who does it benefit exactly, to ruin a £500 piece of kit? Not only that, it's probably the kids entertainment for the flight home.

Show the women at the pool, that he took their photo....yeh, great way to start a huge fight in front of all the kids.

Put him on a plane home....pay a few hundred quid to send him home early, and achieve what exactly? And what if he doesn't agree to that? Which he wouldn't.

I would be very upset at this, I really would. Unfortunately, I'm not overly surprised that a 28 year old, who had been with the same woman for 8 years (so no real experience of other women), would do this. We all like to think that our Partners don't look at other women, but they're not blind, and if these women are topless, the guy must feel like a kid in a sweet shop. I know if I was at a pool, and some guys were bottomless, that I would find it hard not to look. I wouldn't take photo's and I wouldn't text a friend to say I'd like to shag anyone, but I might text a friend and mention in passing that the life guard was hot or something.

I think you're going to have to have this out with him, and ask him how he would feel if you had done the same, ie. sent pics of Dad's at the pool to your friend, with the caption "DILF". I'm sure he would feel just like you do.

nInachu · 25/04/2017 11:21

gross and creepy.

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