Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

Oh @Solarpinlight 😞 I could have been reading my own experience here. It's an incredibly tricky situation, and sadly it's not one that is easily solved at all. You run the risk of alienating your father and driving him away, but at the same time you can't let it go unmentioned.

I wish I knew the answer. I had a long phone call with my sister today myself about my own 76 year old dad saying he won't attend my niece's (his eldest gd) wedding because of his partner. If we argue about it he'll shut us out, but if we let it lie then nothing improves.

I think all you can do is respect your dad's choices, he's obviously still grieving, and just be there as best you can be. You and your sister will need to be there for each other as much as possible because it'll probably be just the beginning of things. Sorry to be all doom and gloom

I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken. I would be too - honestly.

I think now it's his home- the family (you) have left home so now it's his xx

Sorry for your loss. I've been in the same situation, although it was all talked through with me and my siblings first. No one has the right to inherit. And of course a man should make sure his wife is taken care of. We (me and siblings) didn't mind too much, our stepmother was brilliant, she gave our father a new lease of life and took a burden of care from us when he became ill. For that I will always be grateful. She loved him and he loved her. She made his last years very happy.

It's not "the family home" anymore as you've all grown up and left. It's his home and yes it's very soon after your mothers death but it's his house and his choice

I am very sorry for your loss and I know the speed of everything must be very hard.

One practical point is a good solicitor, so that his half of the house is legally his. Must be acting for him, NOT for both of them.

Very difficult, in so many ways, for your and your sister.

Well the problem is that there's nowt you can do so you have to accept it. It's upsetting and I don't understand it as I'd always prioritise my children over partners. But there you go, men are often easily led at this point in their lives it seems as this is a recurrent theme in threads.

I don't want this to sound harsh but if you don't live there why does it affect you?

Imo his own flesh and blood shoukd comw first. She isn't his wife. Sorry op.

It may seem unfair but you have no right to expect to inherit the house.
Try and be happy that your father is happy, would you really want to have him seeing his remaining years wallowing in misery?

Sorry for your loss.

It's not your home, it's your father's. I will never understand the mentality so common on MN that inheritance is an entitlement, especially when people are "devastated" about it before the person in question has even died. Just horrible. Focus on your own career/earnings and let your father spend his remaining years doing what makes him happy.

Sounds like OP is worried about his/her inheritance to me

He isn't grieving he is in love. At least you know for definite that there will be no inheritance but the flip side of that as others have said is no obligation to care for him as he has a younger woman to do that. For a lot of men their love for partner comes way higher than love for children. So sorry for you but you have your sister to share memories of your mother with. Any chance you could get any cherished momentoes before she moves in and gets rid of them?

I'm sorry your devastated it good on your dad. He's entitled to be happy and it sounds like a good way to raise capital to carry out the modernisation that is needed. More worrying if she just wanted to have half the house without contributing. Maybe he's seeyou less not because she's possessive it because they're enjoying each other's company and doing more.
The inheritance is totally irrelevant- it's his money/house and you have no right to it. I would hope his deceased wife (your mother) would have wanted him to be happy, to find comfort and companionship in his twilight years.

For those questioning whether it affects them you have to realise a family home, its contents and it's memories represent a shared life. Although it's "his" home it represents the OP mum just as much. Her life, her sacrifices etc. It's like seeing your dad hand over every moment your mum spent to a complete stranger, and in effect, her family.

It's not even a question of being "materialistic" but the principle, the op's dad cutting his original family out as if he has a "new life" etc, and you're grown up, you don't need this anymore. Would you do that to your own kids? I certainly wouldn't and as a child that has happened to I start to question whether my dad loved me, if it was too painful to see me, was his whole relationship with my dm a farce? It's a very multi level situation rather than ownership.

If he's happy then that is the main thing.
I do think you're concerns about inheritance. I find it strange that people factor in inheritance etc. I'd rather it got spent when they're alive. With people living longer many people don't inherit as money is spent on care now.

Seems like a pretty good deal for him tbh he gets his girlfriend to move in and what sounds like a much needed cash injection. He has to live his life while he's alive, not just spent the next ?? Years waiting to die so you can get your inheritance undisturbed.

i just can't imagine my mother wanting this for us at all. She worked all her married life and took great care of us 'children'. She would never have wanted this for us I know it.

For those questioning whether it affects them you have to realise a family home, its contents and it's memories represent a shared life.

Sure. But I don't see how that entitles anybody to a share in its value when the owner dies. THAT's the materialistic and grabby part. Note the OP doesn't mention the memories or contents.

If he doesn't marry her, and gets things drawn up properly then he'll still own half a house, which will presumably be worth more once it's done up (as well as being nicer for him to live in)

But what's his plan for if she does outlive him? He'll have to leave her the whole house or she'll have nowhere to live as she's given the rest of her assets away. It does seem unfair that she gives her children cash now, but your dad doesn't of their ultimate plan is to end up together in a jointly owned house

I think YABU.

It his money to do with as he chooses.

I think I get you op. It's not the idea of inheritance its all the history and emotional turmoil of it being THE family home and the sadness of it not being anymore, which sort of brings home the loss of your mum, rather than any issues with a new partner as such.

Glitters yes, it's exactly that. That house was our childhood home, it's full of memories. Ive noticed pictures of my mum have already been removed, my sister and I have them safe. I understand the house can't become a shrine to her but I'm more apalled that my father is putting the wants of someone he met 3 months ago before that of his children. I'm questioning everything I always thought was stable in my life.

But it's your dad's house and your dad's life, you can't really do anything about his decision. Bloody hard see it happening, though, especially so soon after your bereavement.

Condolences on the loss of your mum.

What is it your mother wouldn't have wanted? You and you sister to not inherit the house?

I actually think its actually really terrible, bit not for an inheritance point of view.

I am sorry, but you have to let the family home/inheritance thing go. You are in the same position as the many children of divorced parents. When my dad died his wife inherited their house, as you would expect. Presumably when mum dies her DH will have the house. They each have their own families (got together when we were teenagers) so my sis & I won't inherit from parents. This is pretty common in blended families and you can only accept it, because you can't change it. Sucks, though.