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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Devastated but should I be?

351 replies

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 18:38

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

OP posts:
vanrecovered · 23/04/2017 19:54

Oh people bleating 'ohhh but he's an adult' and 'you're an adult get over it' type replies, ffs! Imagine this happened to YOUR dad after the death of YOUR mum! Even if you agreed with these views in principle, having it happen to you and yours would be a different matter. Op, you are 100% right to be concerned, and gutted. Your dad is being a very silly man. I'm not sure exactly what you can do about it though, other than make suggestions of taking his time with the relationship, instructing a decent solicitor on behalf of himself alone and sensitively pointing out the 'issues' this probably will could cause. What a shame he's so blinded with lust love. I really do hope she is genuine and they are happy together, and that it all works out.

ijustwannadance · 23/04/2017 19:55

I second what Lynn said too. Go and get anything left in the house of your mum's that is precious or valuable before the golddigger gets rid of everything.

Original poster
Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:55

Yes, dad has full capacity. Nothing wrong with him at all, he's fit and healthy and I'm very glad of that. He's been going out lots, buying younger style clothing and appears to be having a new lease of life. My sister and I were a bit Hmm but we both live around 20 miles away and only visited weekly but spoke to him most days. We are busy with our small children and working so I suppose he was feeling lonely. He told us all the relationship was was company and companionship. Meals out, a drive to the beach etc. seems like it's become very serious, very quickly.

OP posts:
JamesBlonde1 · 23/04/2017 19:58

Further if I'd worked all my life (which I do) to build up assets, there's no way on this planet I'd do anything for them to land on the lap of some other bloke and his kids.

They're going right to my DD (hoping we don't end up with a communist government by the time I go.....)

Just encourage him to get some legal advice, on his own, cos his lawyer will think he's batshit too and disuade him from the madness.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/04/2017 19:58

I don't understand people who don't understand inheritance. So you would be happy in the OPs shoes?! That this woman, whom he has known for all of 5 minutes, has got her greedy little paws on his house and her kids will end up with it and the OP nothing?! Bollocks would you!!

ColdAsIceCubes · 23/04/2017 20:00

^WSS^

ragged · 23/04/2017 20:02

Is there someone your dad respects & would listen to, a family friend (preferably male), or a big sister... or someone who would talk to him about whether this deal is in HIS best interests and will achieve what matters to HIM.

But yeah, still I think it's his money. No one I know seems that perfectly happy at their inheritance, anyway. He may as well please himself.

hollyisalovelyname · 23/04/2017 20:02

It's too soon- three months.
I know of a family where a woman 'targeted' a recently widowed man. It has been disastrous.

LilQueenie · 23/04/2017 20:03

is it possible you could do a kind of background check on her. If she has form for this type of behaviour in relationships maybe you can convince your dad of it. However it seems like he be with this women in a kind of rebound situation since the loss of your DM.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/04/2017 20:04

Some men, particularly older men feel they need a woman in their life. He is benifitting, perhaps not financially, but he has company, presumably someone to do his housework, cook for him, do his washing and organise re decoration of his house. I expect he's lonely and doesn't put a price on having someone to share the rest of his life with.

I agree, perhaps advise legal advice on the part sale of his house but I would think any other interference from you would badly affect your relationship with your father.

Underthemoonlight · 23/04/2017 20:05

The fact she's is 12 years younger got your with your DF shortly as your DM passing and gifted her properties to her dcs suggests she is extremely cued up and edging her way into taking advantage of a vulnerable man

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/04/2017 20:05

Ravenesque

It is very easy to blame the recently bereaved for things like this, but there are people out there (both male and female) that prey on them as they are an easy vulnerable target.

MrsMcMoo · 23/04/2017 20:06

I would be worried that he's not making rational decisions right now, and is doing something regrettable. Bereavement has really weird effects on people. He may think he can't survive without a wife. He may realise when it's too late that she's not right for him. This is way, way too soon for him to be making life changing decisions.

I don't have any good advice for you OP, but I certainly do see why you are concerned.

PunjanaTea · 23/04/2017 20:07

To be honest all questions of inheritance aside I'd be worried about the GF's intentions. It's one thing finding someone so soon after your partner has died but this seems to be moving incredibly quickly and whilst your Dad may have all his 'faculties' at this stage of grief he is potentially very vulnerable and it makes me wonder what her intentions are by insisting he becomes so financially entangled with her so soon into their relationship.

MadMags · 23/04/2017 20:07

What are you upset about though?

The relationship or the loss of inheritance?

Goldfishjane · 23/04/2017 20:08

OP I just thought
Is it possible your dad has some kind of financial problems and thought this was a way out?

StarlingMurderation · 23/04/2017 20:08

When my aunt moved in with a widower, she bought half his house, and that money went straight to his children (it was their mother's 'half', as it were). They're now tenants in common rather than joint tenants, so when either of them die, their half passes to their respective children, rather than the surviving spouse, who then has the right to live in the house unt she or he dies. I don't suppose you could suggest something similar to your father?

PunjanaTea · 23/04/2017 20:09

I see I've cross posted with lots of people.

Sadly it is not unusual for widows and widowers to be targeted by con artists. A family friend was befriended by a man who had overheard that she was recently widowed. She lost nearly everything.

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 20:09

PurpleMinionMummy I think it's very unlikely that this woman is planning on forcing the OP's dad out of his house and "ripping him off". She's probably not some supervillain - she doesn't have to be. She simply asks for what she wants, and the OP's father gives it to her. Eventually, he dies - he's older than she is, and already 70 years old.

It won't be the dad who gets ripped off - he will simply live with her, then pass away. It's the children who are being denied their rightful inheritance - and worse, denied a relationship with their father.

gillybeanz · 23/04/2017 20:10

Talk to him and ask for your mums possessions.
I'd have to let it slip how fortunate her children are to be able to inherit and how lucky she is to be able to do that or her children, whilst adding that you realise nobody has a right to inherit, some just have to manage without.

thatdearoctopus · 23/04/2017 20:10

MN is a parallel universe sometimes! I know of no one in real life who would feel the way people are telling you to feel on here.
Of course you're appalled at what's happening here. Some random woman is muscling in on your dad and your family home before your late mother is barely cold in her grave.
All these pious types in here spouting on about inheritances not being anyone's right, while technically true, the OP is adamant that her mother would not have intended "her" half of the estate to go this way.

That said, I've no idea what you can do about it, other than to advise your dad to take careful legal advice and perhaps let him know that you will not be accepting this woman into your own lives. Sounds like you're going to lose him anyway. He's shown very clearly how highly he rates you as his daughters so ...

SusieOwl4 · 23/04/2017 20:10

Do you think she could actually be giving false information about her own financial position to persuade him? Could be why she wants you to have less contact?

HmmOkay · 23/04/2017 20:11

To be fair, this woman already owns 2 houses herself so perhaps she isn't the gold digger that some people are painting her.

She is also paying for half of the OP's dad's house and getting half the house in return.

Sounds like she is better off than the OP's dad in the first place.

Maybe it is the OP's dad who is the gold digger in this situation? Maybe the OP's dad has targeted this wealthier woman? Maybe he's the con man?

Original poster
Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 20:12

I'm completely mixed up I suppose, a mass of emotions. Missing my mum, imagining another woman with my father 'properly', the (selfish) thoughts that suddenly I'll have this new family who are strangers. That nothing will ever be the same again. That ive lost that warm, safe childhood home, that yes, my mother would have wanted everything that yhem worked for all their lives to go to me and my sister. It's a turmoil of feelings and emotions and I'm not confortable with any of them.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 23/04/2017 20:15

Could you and your sister borrow and buy his half out, so you retain some control?

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