Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

But, surely if they register as tenants in common, not joint tenants, DFs half of the house will be available to pass to the adult children?

Granted, they will have to wait longer, but it is not lost forever?

I may have got those two alternatives the wrong way round

Solar, I've been through similar. In my experience, when men move into a new family they then promote the interests of the new partner/ children, to the detriment of their own DC. People may think this view is harsh but my Father has done this to me more than once.

I couldn't do this to my DC. I am 62 so nearer to his age than many on MN I dare say. I am divorced with 2 adult children in their 30s. If I did find a partner, I would not marry and I would keep my house - I have worked hard for what I have and unless it has to be used in the future for my care, it will go to my children.

On your father's death the whole value of this house - including the money she put into it which he will have spent on improvements, which will increase the value of the house - will go to his new wife. On her death, (unless she wills it otherwise - and why should she?) it will go to HER children (again, unless it is used for her care in old age). So, it looks like her family will do very well out of it. I am sorry OP - it's horrible.

All I can suggest is that you tell your father initially that you are concerned that eventually personal items belonging to your mother/family do not end up in the hands of strangers who may not value them and will maybe charity shop them.

Gosh some harsh responses here! OP's mother died 4-5 months ago. I think her DF has moved with indecent haste and been very insensitive. Poor you OP. How hard.

To be fair, she should pay him for half the house and then also pay half the cost of the improvements. But that's obviously not going to happen. I'm sorry for you, OP. You are obviously still grieving the loss of your mum and it must be hard to see your dad apparently moving on without a backwards glance.
As others have said, there is nothing you can do so you have to try and find your peace with it. I know it's cheesy but I do like the Serenity Prayer for situations like this, when you are powerless:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Just echoing what a PP said, a good solicitor will make sure that each partner's half of the house is bequeathed to whomever they choose. So for instance your father's GF could leave her half to her children and your father could leave his half to you and your sister. It won't automatically go to his GF if they are not married.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and it must seem as though this is all happening very quickly.
You could take legal advice about the situation and suggest (gently) to your father that he does the same?

If he hadn't met her,he may well of ended up using capital from the house to fund a rest home...so either way you probably wouldn't of seen the money....what about asking him to sign his half of the house(after the deal is done) over to you and your siblings,on the understanding that ,that way it couldn't be used for carehome fees...so it's yours while he lives there..

I hear you OP.
Yes, it's nice that your DF has found love, but it isn't nice, that he's blinded by it.
Your DM would not have wanted this.
His new girlfriend is feathering her future nest, in my opinion, and considering her own family only.
I'm so sorry. ☹️

@Solarpinlight I know what you mean. We're not even able to mention my mum in front of his new partner. She flies off the handle in a rage saying we're trying to exclude her. She was invited to our wedding and threw a massive Barney she wasn't sat with my dad (on the top table)but with my family. Including my mums relatives. She said I was selfish and thoughtless and I'd ruined her day.

We actually encouraged my dad to ask her out in the first instance as well which makes it so laughable.

Unfortunately you're probably going to have to accept the situation and make the most of you can with your dad. It's shit and unfair, however you need to be able to keep communication open with your dad or you'll end up losing your parents 🙁

You are no longer children, you have left home and are independent. Now it's your father's house to do with as he wants. Distressing as it is, your mother is no longer around, and your father has the right to reorganise his life and house in a way that suits him. It isn't about you any longer

Your dad could grant his partner a life interest in his share of the house (when she owns 50%) which could be split between you and your sister when she dies (assuming that she outlives him). Could you suggest that? I would recommend independent legal advice for him in any event.

Bear in mind if your dad stayed single and needed care, his house would have been sold to make contributions to that so you wouldn't necessarily have inherited the whole value of the house anyway.

I can understand that the speed of this relationship has upset you though.

It's a hard set of decisions for your dad, too.
My gut feeling is to tell him that it sounds like you'll never get an inheritance from your mom so the situation feels unfair, but you respect it's his decision to do what he wants with his money.

And then you have to mean that. It is his money to do as he pleases. But at least you have told him Y you feel he should reconsider the arrangement. He may see another way to do things that seems fairer to you.

I'm not unsympathetic... my dad has some ideas I don't like about how his estate will be distributed (involves my step-sisters getting a lot more than I will). But HIS money. Not mine.

Not understanding all those who think OP is unreasonable. This woman appears to know exactly what she's doing and I find the whole thing quite uncomfortable and would be upset if this was my dad too.

She is paying him for half the house but in my eyes she should then pay for half the reno costs too. If your DF dies it will be a complete ballache to sort inheritanceany inheritance as we all know damn well it will all end up with her DC's.

Yes, her father should be happy but this woman already owns 2 properties and very quickly set her sights on this one. I'm sure she loves him really.

I'm not sure we said too much about it at the time, both my sister and I were reeling. The tone of the conversation wasn't about whether we were ok about it, it was that he was doing it and that's how it's going to be. It's only now ive got home and had the long conversation with her alone that it's sunk in.

Three months? I can understand how you feel . It must be a shock to you so soon after losing your mother.

YANBU.

That's a very upsetting situation but not at all uncommon nowadays. I have no real advice but I would try and talk openly to him about your inheritance and if he is happy about not leaving any for his children.

I completely do not understand why people say your family home and inheritance is none of your and your dais's business.

In my extended family parents are proud to and take great care to pass on family money to their children even if there isn't a whole lot.

My elderly parents freed up some money from an investment and rather than waiting till they died they gave my siblings and me a share of it. All of us have invested the money wisely in our homes and dparents are now able to enjoy and participate in what their children did with it.

However I can see how a new wife who makes an elderly parent very happy in their final years also should be taken care of. It shouldn't be an either or situation which is what the OP seems to be describing.

Sorry for your loss op I hope you can talk to your dad and work it out without alienating him or his new partner.

I find it interesting that he found somebody else so quickly though.

Yanbu. Your dad's new girlfriend whether she be the love of his life or not is acting in cruel haste and I imagine she can't see past the £-signs.

My attitude is - yup, it's your money and you can do what you like as long as your girflriend is prepared to wipe your incontinent ass and be your full time carer. Because neither of your children will be ready to make huge financial and emotional sacrifices (that will impact their immediate family) if you go ahead with this fiancial decision.

Your dad definitely needs his own legal advice (without GF present) before he agrees this 50/50 split. Regardless of the inheritance issues, can you broach this with him on the basis that it's a big commitment and he needs to be sure of all the implications, financial and otherwise, first. Anyone who is entering that type of arrangement should do it whether they have children or not. There is a way he can still pass on his share of the house to whoever he wants, even if his GF owns the other half but he needs a solicitor to explain it all and he'll need to sort his will out too.

Perhaps try to look at it in a positive way for your own peace of mind.
Your mother may well have wanted your dad to live out the rest of his life with a companion. By selling half the house, he has funds to renovate the house and live comfortably.

You have no right to tell your father how to live out the rest of his life. He may well go into a retirement home when he's elderly which will probably be funded by the sale of the house anyway, thus scuppering your inheritance.

Try not to look at it as your dad replacing your mum, and more as him attempting to continue living his life after losing his dear wife.
Sorry for your loss

I feel for you OP and can see why you feel shocked; you feel like your mum is being replaced and it's only a short time since she passed away. If I was in your situation, I would consider whether there is anything sentimental in the house that reminds you of your mum and talk to your dad about whether you and your sister can have those things before the GF moves in.

I would worry more about it being an almost perfect hustle.

She has nudged you out
You are now in a position were if you say anything your Ddad could go nc (already now that she is "possesive")
she buys half the house
money regenerates the house
woman slowly moves dd or ds in
they may get married
Ddad gets pushed out/devorced and eventually leaves
she gets the house.

I've seen it done several times by several different women.

Nice - her two kids gets a house each and you and your sister potentially end up with nothing. She's seen him coming hasn't she. I don't think there's anything you can do though in the circumstances but I'm not surprised you are devastated.

The house is his. I always find it a bit odd when people are devastated about inheritance. I don't understand the sense of entitlement. You're lucky if you get something, it's not a right and nor should a parent feel obligated.

Has he actually said she will get his half of the house when he dies? Her owning half now doesn't automatically mean she will get the other half when he dies.

I really feel for you.

I think all you can do is accept it all with as much dignity as you can manage, and continue to grieve as best you can. Speaking as someone who took three years to get over quite a short marriage, I simply don't get this very common phenomenon (I don't think it's about 'nowadays' either, it has always happened) - but ultimately it is another thing that you have no control over. On the positive side, your DF is still living in the house you remember and you will still be able to visit and see him there.