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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Devastated but should I be?

351 replies

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 18:38

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 23/04/2017 19:24

Presumably if she's buying half the house, it will be a tenancy in common? Meaning that she won't automatically inherit and he can will it to you (regardless of any future marriage).

That way he'll still have half the house, and cash for the other half.

If not, that's utterly bizarre. But bereaved widowers act very strangely at times, IME...

SusieOwl4 · 23/04/2017 19:24

I would just say to him make sure he gets legal advice before signing anything and leave it at that. My uncle and aunt who have no children left their house to me and my sister. But now the council will get all the money as they are both in a care home. They are more upset than me tbh as I never expected anything. I think it is more the emotional trauma for you and for that I feel really sorry for you because if you met someone and moved in after three months he probably would have had his opinions and warned you off doing so. Just because he is a bit older does not mean he should rush into things.

Cheby · 23/04/2017 19:25

YANBU

I'm so sorry OP, for your loss and for the callous way your father is behaving.

This is why my DH and I are setting up our wills to protect our children in the event that either of us dies and then remarries. Then as a minimum the deceased's share of the estate will be protected for the children. At the moment neither of us have any intention of doing anything other than leaving the entire estate to the children, and not to any subsequent partners, but you never know what the future holds. Hence us protecting their inheritance now while we can.

Cheby · 23/04/2017 19:25

*the other remarries

Summerisdone · 23/04/2017 19:26

Ordinarily I'd be on your dad's side, as shitty a situation it is for you and your sister, because it is after all now his home.
This time though I'm completely on your side OP; the new woman has made sure her grown children are looked after by giving them her other houses, yet if your father dies first you and your sister will have nothing and she will have even more to leave her children.

I also think your father should really think it through because technically the house was half your mother's and I'm presuming your mother would have wanted it to go to your sister and yourself, he should at the very least have in his will that his half go to you both when he passes (if that's possible, I'm not 100% sure how these things work) so that his new lady doesn't own it all.

readthethread · 23/04/2017 19:27

so her kids get a house each
she gets half your family home

YANBU

it may sound "grabby" but honestly i would get a solicitor. see if your dad can leave his half of the house in trust to you and your sister?

Seeingadistance · 23/04/2017 19:27

For a number of years I was very involved with an on-line forum, which folded a couple of years ago. Some of the people there I did meet up with in real life - others I am in contact with on FB.

One of the men on the forum often talks fondly of his wife - and was devastated when after a short period of illness she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Sadly, she didn't have long - a matter of weeks from diagnosis till her death. Their children were in their mid-late teens, and when their mother was ill and dying the father spoke of them as being young children and how hard it was for them to lose their mother at such a vulnerable age and so on. All as you would expect and it was a traumatic time for the whole family - quite understandably.

But - within about 3 weeks I think it was, of his wife's death - he was actively looking for a new relationship. The way he talked about his children turned around - now they were young adults, as good as independent. 6 weeks after his wife's death, he proposed to the girlfriend and she accepted. All photos of his wife and other personal items had been removed from the house by this time - in case the girlfriend was upset.

This man could not understand why his teenage daughter was distraught, and that his teenage son had withdrawn and wasn't speaking to him. He had no thought at all for them, and their grief for their mother. I just knew him from this on-line group, and up until this happened he had always seemed a pleasant and sensible man who loved and cared for his wife and children.

I was one of two women on the group who did try to persuade him at least to slow down the relationship and not make so many radical changes to the family home. He and the new woman were planning a total redecoration of the house. At this point his daughter left and went to stay with her aunt. The son pretty much stayed in his room when he was at home and spent most of his time with friends.

At the time, I did look into this phenomenon, and indeed it is a thing. Men, often whose marriages were happy ones, remarry or settle down with a new woman within weeks or months of their wife's death. They are happy, but their adult children are devastated and feel that their mothers have been negated or made less of. It's the speed of moving on and the desire to remove all traces of the deceased wife which families find so disturbing and hard to deal with. And all of this when children, of whatever age, are usually still very much grieving for their mother.

On thing that did strike me in this man's case, and again reading about this today, is this. I would have serious doubts about a woman who would get into a relationship with a man, knowing that his wife had died only weeks earlier. No matter how lovely a guy was, how much I was attracted to him - if he was recently widowed, I would back right off.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble post, but I remember how weird and upsetting it was to see that other man go from bereavement to "hey, I'm engaged!" in a matter of weeks, and be completely oblivious to the effect on his family.

I'm sorry, OP, both for the loss of your mother, and for this situation which must be really difficult for you and your sister.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/04/2017 19:28

Surely to be fair, she should be buying half the house and then they should be jointly paying for any renovations? Why is he the one paying for them? Then she gets half of a house which has significantly increased in value. Especially as this is a very new relationship, and it really seems bonkers to be moving in together so quickly. I realise he must be lonely, but even so. Insane.
What is she like OP? Do you think she is exploiting your Dad because he is vulnerable? I am so sorry you've lost your Mum so recently. I lost my Mum 12m ago and it is really tough. I can imagine that this must be a horrible shock, it is far too soon and too fast for him to expect you and your sister to be fine about it. What on earth is he thinking? What was your mother's will?

Pannalash · 23/04/2017 19:28

Here here Lazycrazy.
I'm sorry OP this is an incredibly hard situation for you. I think that it is important to bear in mind that IMO 'morally' the house is half your late Mum's and I'm sure any Mother would want their children to benefit. Hope you can get the situation resolved so year you do not miss out in the future.

JoanRamone · 23/04/2017 19:28

Sorry for your loss OP. If it were me I think I would tell my DF how I felt. I couldn't stand back and watch him make what could be a huge mistake when he's so recently widowed and possibly can't see the wood for the trees. I would be careful not to say something that could cause friction with his new girlfriend, especially as she may well be lovely and make him happy for the rest of his life, but I would tactfully suggest grief counselling and taking things slowly; giving himself time and space to grieve whilst still seeing where this relationship goes if that's what makes him happy.

readthethread · 23/04/2017 19:30

it's a perfect set up for her especially considering she is "possessive". hmmm

get a solicitor on board to protect your dad if nothing else.

thebakerwithboobs · 23/04/2017 19:30

As others, I really do feel for you and I'm so sorry that you've lost your mum. If you're able to ask your Dad for things in the house which may be less 'relevant' (there must be a better word, j just can't think of it) with his new partner, items that hold particular memories, then I would do so. I know removing them from the familiar environment will hurt, but possibly better than you seeing them cast aside.

However, from a very detached point of view, is the situation unfair? If she is giving your Dad half the value, and that amount is needed for upkeep and repairs etc, then although on an emotional level for you it's painful, but on a financial level for him, it's fair-isn't it? If the house price goes up because of the work (ok, I admit I doubt it will rise by 50%....) and you inherit his half on his death (big if, especially if they marry) then you won't have lost out.

Again though, he's happy. I know it seems very quick, but at his time of life I expect he's seizing happiness while he can. If she gives him ten, maybe twenty more years of companionship and love, surely that transcends inheritance considerations?

I would be open and honest and say it'll take you a while to come round to the idea but make it clear it is about consolidating the present with memories of your mum rather than on objecting on grounds of inheritance to which you are not really entitled-however unfair that might seem.

I'm so sorry, OP. The one person you want to comfort you is gone and I think everyone on the thread wishes they could change that for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/04/2017 19:30

Seeing - I thought that too, that I would have grave concerns about a woman so keen to move straight in with a recently bereaved older man she barely knows.

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:31

My father won't want to discuss it, he was quite civil earlier but he's already made his mind up, I can tell, he's a stubborn old goat when he wants to be.
I had the impression the GF was quietly nudging us out, it's been remarked that we speak to our dad a bit too often, little things like that. He's quite happy to go along with it all, seems quite love struck actually. I feel we are treading on thin ice, Im scared I'm going to lose him too if we don't accept what he wants.

OP posts:
EddieHitler · 23/04/2017 19:32

YANBU. And I agree, your dad should get some independent financial advice. It sounds like the only people to benefit from this move would be her and her children, not him or his family. He really needs to keep himself covered, just in case.

thebakerwithboobs · 23/04/2017 19:33

That's just it though, OP, your 'acceptance' is not required on any level, however unfair that feels to you. Therefore, protect your relationship with your father and support him rather than oppose something you have no legal right to challenge and lose him Flowers

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/04/2017 19:34

Yanbu. She and her family are getting everything. It's hard to know what to say, and what advice to give really.

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:34

What I mean by acceptance is that we aren't going to cause an argument or an upset. Because I think if we did we'd find ourselves out altogether. I get the impression he doesn't need us now, he has her.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 23/04/2017 19:34

This is why I always suggest life interest trust wills to clients. Ensured my own parents have one too. Would have protected your mothers share of the house for you and your sister. Sadly nothing you can do now.

whattheactualfudge · 23/04/2017 19:36

Christ almighty is go mental!

I think a visit to his GF's house may be in order! Let her know that you will not allow he to steal your inheritance and swindle your Dad like this!

Itsnotwhatitseems · 23/04/2017 19:36

to be honest this is one of the reasons I wont allow my bf to buy half my home, we have separate homes, he has 4 grown up children and I have 3. My kids will inherit my home and his will inherit his, it also means I have independence if this relationship fails. I have been badly burnt in the relationship game before. I do understand you OP, and if I was your mum, I would have wanted financial security for you as well, its a hard world out there and parents naturally want to help out where they can.

Lynnm63 · 23/04/2017 19:37

If your dm had any jewellery or personal effects I'd ask your dad for them now or you might find not only do you lose your house but her rings, photos etc.
I'm afraid your dad is thinking with his dick but there's not a lot you can do. If it goes tits up make sure you don't end up taking him in. That may sound harsh bit if he makes his bed he lies in it imo.

SusieOwl4 · 23/04/2017 19:37

So don't give her any ammunition and mention inheritance . Just ask him to make sure he gets legal advice . Surely that's not a lot for you to ask is it? Just say you are thinking of his future and wish him well as it sounds like she might twist anything you say. I really feel for you .

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2017 19:37

I'm sorry about your mum op. When you say last December do you mean four months ago? Or 16 months ago.

Yes this woman wins all round.she buys have the house, and the money is then used to improve it, which then increases its value, probably by more than is spent on it.she also keeps her two homes in her family, however there is a big difference if they have been together 16 months or just a few weeks...

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:38

Omg no, I'd never confront the GF, that would be the end of things with my dad, he wouldn't put up with that and I woudnt lower myself. It's his decision as much as it's hers, however mich he's not thinking of me and my sister.

OP posts: