Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

Hugs op. I'm going through something similar and it's heartbreaking.

Similar happened to my sister and I but we were children when dad died. My parents were divorced but he had been living in the family home that mum and dad had built.
She alienated us so that we didn't really like visiting, said horrible things, treated us like maids.
We would try again because we missed our dad and she would be horrible again. It was affecting my school work in an important year. We no longer felt it was our home although technically we lived there half the time.
Dad got ill and died very suddenly. We had been to see him on the Saturday, he didn't seem very well but not at deaths door. We went on the Monday, she said he was too ill to see us. Fair enough, we went home.
I got a phone call on the Wednesday evening to say, "keep next Tuesday clear. It is your dad's funeral. He died this morning. I thought you would want to know."
My sister and I were only allowed in our home once more, for 10 minutes to get our things. Our mum wasn't allowed with us. We were 10 &13. We didn't take half of our things let alone any keepsakes of dad. I really wanted his jumper so I could smell him. I wasn't allowed. 10 minutes to pack up a lifetime.
The funeral was horrific. I don't know who the pall bearers were. They were her friends. She and her daughter sat at the front. My sister and I were not allowed there and squeezed in beside some of my dads old friends who were horrified. The eulogy glossed from his childhood to meeting her, missing the 20 years with mum and us being born.
We never saw her after that day. We tried to contest the will. Well our mum did on our behalf. It didn't go our way. And that was it. Dad was gone and so was our home.

My God anaffaquine that is horrific. Horrific.

I've read the whole thread and some of the stories here are just heartbreaking. I can't begin to imagine dealing with property wrangling whilst mourning a loved one.

Therefore, I think it's really important to protect our children's future inheritance as much as we can. I own my home as a tenant in common with my husband so that I can leave my half of the house directly to our kids when I die. Dh has done the same and a life time interest clause has been put in to allow the surviving spouse to live at the property until their death. This will hopefully protect our dc from any gold digging future spouses. You can't predict the future so it's important to protect your dc as much as possible.

I personally don't believe spouses should inherit everything upon death after reading all the posts on this thread. The children are always forgotten and new spouse and their children become the main priority. Totally wrong and very unfair. If you haven't sorted out your will yet please do so to protect your dc, if you have any, or any family members.

Anaffaquine123 - That is utterly tragic. The jumper just floored me. What sort of person treats children like that when they've just lost their father? Monstrous.

Thats so upsetting Aqua how could she live with herself?

Personally think married people should have life interest trust wills then at least your share is protected for your children to some extent yet the spouse isn't out on the street on the first death. Most clients refuse though as they cost abit more than a basic all to spouse will but at least its an informed decision.

Our wills are set up like this for these very reasons.

Though i do lnow a case where the vile stepmum found her husband had left here virtually nothing as it had all been tied up in trust befor they were married

Bump.

Listening to Graham Norton Show on Radio 2 just now, and the second Grill Graham is about a man who met his current partner at his wife's funeral!

Anecdotally sensible women who have children who are terminally ill themselves always go for the life interest trust wills...

That is interesting Kerala. I am certainly coming round to that idea as a result of this and other threads. I suppose the problem though is if you think your dh may need 'your' share to live on in the future (ie to downsize and use half the money from the house to supplement inadequate retirement income)?

And of course if either side may die first, you have to bear in mind that if dw does it, presumably dh does the same - assuming dws don't just do it in secret!

Your share belongs to Dh - while he's alive it's his. Most people don't want elderly spouse left short to benefit hulking adult kids. However on second death first to dies share reverts to kids. Not available to any new wife, or even for the Dh to will away to the cats home. And yes most couples both do these so fair.

Ah, I thought only the income from the dw's share (or the right to possess the dw's share of the property) belonged to the surviving dh's (or vice versa)? IE the survivor can't deplete the capital or dissipate the proceeds of sale of that half of the property. If that's not the case, is there anything to stop the dh spending all of deceased dw's shares on cruises - which I also don't want to happen?!
Am I thinking of another kind of trust, maybe?

These tales are just heartbreaking.

You can put it in a discretionary trust and tell the trustees to limit access by the spouse, he can have right to income only. In reality that's pretty harsh unless there is a large estate. Also if you don't leave enough provision for your spouse and he is struggling he can claim against the will. Surely if you are married to someone you want them to be able to use your joint marital assets for their benefit while they are alive? Begs the question why are you married to them otherwise!

Thanks Kerala, that's very useful to know.

I suppose the answer to why you wouldn't want to leave 'free rein' over your share to your dspouse during the rest of their lifetime is (almost) in these threads. It's the risk that surviving dw (just to make a change from surviving dh) decides to make a lifetime gift of the whole lot to her new husband - or just to spend incredibly extravagantly on vintage cars so that none is left from the trust for your dc once surviving dw dies? Untrusting of the will-maker? Yes, but as pp have said, people can behave strangely after a bereavement.
Much to think about before remaking the will!

Sorry I haven't time to read the whole thread so I expect this has been said. Men especially do seem to make a habit of this.It happened to a close friend of mine. Everything her mother had contribited to their parents marriage went to the new wife and then her children.On my death I certainly do not wish any new wife of my husbands to have my 'half ' of the house. It may be his when I die but I have worked very hard for us to get the house and my share goes to my children and that is not negotiable. Consequently our will is written to make this a certainty. It wasn't hard to do . It just costs a bit more.

Wonder what happens when remaining spouse with life interest in house decides to downsize or just move elsewhere. Are they stuck in the house for ever?

Claudia I think the trustees can give permission to the dspouse to downsize - others more knowledgeable can confirm! I may have got this wrong...do you even have trustees in this situation? But certainly I have read downsizing is possible.

Not sure how it works in practice though - what happens to the dc's 'share' of the equity that's released? Does that go straight to the dc, or does the spouse continue to be entitled to the interest on the capital (ie not very much at the moment!)?

Also, have to decide who to appoint as trustees. You could appoint the dspouse and dc as trustees (once they're all 18?) but will that also lead to ructions further down the line?

This has happened to my friend; his DM dies, his DF married a woman 29 years his junior within 4 months of his wife dying. New wife had sadly two previous marriages to men very much older than her (32 and 35 years older). Apparently their dcs were cut out of the Wills after marriage.
My friend have very little contact with him because she actively discourages him from meeting with them.
DF is 76, she's 47.
☹️

It explains it all here but downsizing is possible
My parents have just dos this mirror wills / lifetime trust / splitting the tenancy
It cost £350
My sister and I are trustees

www.chambersmcclay.co.uk/severance-of-tenancy.php

Usually put a clause in saying the surviving spouse and their needs have priority over any beneficiary or potential beneficiary. Make surviving spouse and an adult child the trustees. Therefore the survivor can live life to the full with the first to dies' share, but it is not to benefit anyone else ie new spouse. Or do a discertionary trust with life interest for spouse make adult kids or solicitors trustees but instruct them that if survivor remarries or cohabits for longer than 6 months he only gets loans from the estate not any capital.

These are not DIY wills thats for sure

Yes, definitely not a DIY will!

It would be interesting to know if in real life it ever gives rise to problems having the surviving spouse and adult dc as trustees, with control over what surviving spouse gets. What happens if there are disagreements between surviving spouse and dc about how much money the spouse should receive? I know legally you could go to court to resolve it, but in practice that wouldn't make for great Christmases!

Oh well, ultimately I suppose we have to accept that some things are beyond our control...but do the best we can to ensure our dc inherit something!

Ultimately if you really couldnt agree you would have to go to court which is expensive. Most families work it out between themselves to avoid that, if the testator has left clear instructions for the trustees they should by and large follow them. They have statutory obligations to act in the best interests of the beneficiaries. The very wealthiest families manage with this system well by and large.

Trick is to be jolly careful who you marry (particularly if you are rich).

Yes, that's a good starting point (be careful who you marry, I mean!).

But I think most people still take the attitude 'oh dh would never ever do that' ie disinherit adult dc. Sadly if it turns out that dh (or dw) would after all, it's too late to do anything about it.

Its surprisingly common for children of first marriages to get shafted. Its happened to several friends. Usually in less wealthy families where they don't take proper advice. Not much you can do about it practically if your parent hasn't made proper provision for you in their will.