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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Devastated but should I be?

351 replies

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 18:38

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 23/04/2017 19:38

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm sure your mother wouldn't have wanted you and your sibling to be disinherited, essentially. She probably couldn't have imagined all those years of raising you, hard work, etc. wouldn't go to you after she and your father were both gone.

Sadly, he can do this I'm afraid.

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:39

They've been together 3 months.

OP posts:
annandale · 23/04/2017 19:40

Seeing, that's absolutely awful. I hope I'd also be pretty cautious if I met someone who'd been widowed 3 weeks previously Shock I find the Widower of the Parish column in the Grauniad a bit upsetting too as he seems to swing between a massively active sex life and 'oh i still seem to be grieving' thinkparagraphs.

Obviously there are a lot of women who move in new partners very quickly after a breakup but I do think of my friend who was traumatically widowed eleven years ago and continues to prioritise her son over any relationship, not in a Miss Havisham kind of way, but just, well, why wouldn't you Sad I don't know how she would have been if her son had been an adult though.

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 19:40

"The house is his. I always find it a bit odd when people are devastated about inheritance. I don't understand the sense of entitlement. You're lucky if you get something, it's not a right and nor should a parent feel obligated."

Don't understand this point of view.

Yes, the house is the father's, nobody is disputing that. But you can't take this stuff with you to the grave. Somebody has to inherit it. It should be the children of the couple who bought it, not the children of some recent girlfriend who the owner has known for a few months.

OP - this is so, so shit. I'm sorry. You must be questioning everything, if your father can do this to you.

whattheactualfudge · 23/04/2017 19:40

Now that I've read all of your posts on this thread, I am dumbstruck that you're actually going to sit back and let him destroy his house like this! She's taking everything your parents ever worked for!!!!!!!!!! Why does she need to give your Dad cash and get half the house? Why not just live there?? - Cos she's after everything, that's why!!!!!

Ebayaholic · 23/04/2017 19:42

Agree- encourage him to set up as tenants in common not tenancy then as long as he doesn't marry her, assuming he doesn't have a will, you'll inherit his half automatically. It will increase in value as he'll be carrying out the essential repairs required with her stake.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/04/2017 19:42

If you can persuade him to get financial advice
Hope she doesn't bump him off, and or foes actually look after him in his old age

whattheactualfudge · 23/04/2017 19:42

*life not house! Hmm

Ravenesque · 23/04/2017 19:42

I'm guessing that ultimately it's less about the house and the "money" than it is to do with him moving on so quickly, being with a woman who clearly wants him to have less to do with his own children and more to do with hers - this has happened to a friend with his father and the new woman in his life, it's all about her children, he hardly sees his father, despite him and his wife having him live with them for a long period after my friend's mum died. He's pretty much been dumped and it hurts.

Unfortunately, there is so little you can do about it. I'm glad that you have a sister, so that there is someone you can hold on to and share this added grief with. I'm all for those who are widowed moving on, but this does seem a remarkably quick thing and that can't not be hurtful to you and your sister.

I had a similar, but mostly quite difficult thing happen to me with my stepfather. There was no money involved at all, but ... well he had been seeing a woman for a number of years - I'm assuming they're still together - many years after my mum died. I love/d my stepfather very much indeed. My own father died when I was ten and there were many difficult and horrible years before my mum met and married him when I was nineteen. He adored my mum, almost worshiped her, and he fell apart when she died. He'd always been a drinker but became a full on alcoholic. Luckily, at some point, he realised that this was not the way to go and not what my mum/his wife would have wanted. He stopped drinking, read more, went back to school, turned his life around and it was wonderful to see. I was so proud of him. Then he started seeing a woman who was difficult. That's an understatement. He'd seen a couple of women previously, one who I really got on with and hoped that they'd settle down. [n.b. I wanted him to find love, I urged him to date and find someone else he could love and share his life with]. The difficult woman is an alcoholic and my stepdad seems to have taken it upon himself to rescue her. They have split up at times, she has tried to burn his house down, broken down his front door, once she went to the police and accused him of raping her and he spent a night in jail, before she recanted and told them she'd been trying to punish him for not wanting to be with her. And on, and on, on. I never once said "You must leave her!" But I did tell him how worried it made me and that he couldn't rescue everyone and that maybe there was no way she could ever be "fixed", but he'd get back with her and I'd support him, with provisos. I never bad mouthed her. Etc.

I was seriously ill six years ago (at the time friends could not contact my father as he was staying with this woman's kids, which none of us knew), so he wasn't around while I was in hospital for a month and that was fine, a bit hurtful, but fine. I left hospital in the September of that year and was still very vulnerable in many ways when I came out, but working to pull my life together. All was fine with him and me. We spoke, we had long chats about religion and politics and blah. It was great. Then in the December, in the run up to the jolly joys of Christmas (yes, sarcasm), the woman got hold of my phone number and started phoning up and abusing me. I'm talking full on abuse, saying things that were beyond vile. Bad things happened to me when I was young with men. She said I'd loved it all, wanted it all, was a dirty slag, just like my mother, who was a prostitute, I wanted to have sex with my stepfather and that's why I was trying to push her out of his life. And more. I stopped taking the calls but recorded the voicemail messages she would leave. I told stepfather, he was horrified. I told him that I wanted to contact the police and he said I should. So I did, they listened and were pretty taken aback and she was served a severe warning - she was well known to the police in the area she and my stepfather lived in - and that if she did anything again, she'd be imprisoned. So the calls stopped, the threats to come to my house and burn it to the ground stopped. And then, at the beginning of the year, just after new year, I spoke to my stepfather and he told me that him talking to me made her angry and that he was sorry, but he could no longer be in touch with me. The end.

That was over five years ago and it still hurts. I don't think about it most of the time, but when it comes into my mind I feel as though I've been punched in the stomach all over again.

Sorry! This doesn't help. I guess, well I have no idea what got into my stepfather and no idea what's gotten in to your father. I think with my stepfather it's that he's a week man who wants to make all people happy at all times, but can't, so ends up seriously hurting one person. Maybe it's similar with your dad. He can't bear to be alone and is prepared to make his own children unhappy in return for a comfortable life for himself? Whatever it is, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this so soon after your mother has died. I hope that there is a way of dealing with this that doesn't get so awful that you're hurt even more.

KC225 · 23/04/2017 19:43

I cannot believe some of the heartless messages on here. The OP and her sister are still grieving and some of you are saying hard cheese, he has moved on, not your house or accuse her of only being worried about the inheritance.

Who would recommend a newly widowed parent turn over their property so quickly to someone they met a few months ago. It is highly possible his new girlfriend is taking advantage. Why the rush? This is more than the Father 'seeing someone'. The OP and her sister have every right to be concerned, hurt and angry.

I hope you find some solace in the sympathetic and practical posts OP. Good luck.

Doilooklikeatourist · 23/04/2017 19:43

This is what my dad did
A year after mum died , new woman moved in , they married
She bought a house for her parents and they sold the "family home "
Dad died last year , she inherited everything
Sad , but not unusual

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 19:44

Seeingadistance that's unbelievable - what a pathetic man. I feel so sorry for his children.

Solarpinlight · 23/04/2017 19:45

People saying I shouldn't sit back and let it happen, how can we stop it? It looks as though we are money grabbers if we kick up a fuss, it is my fathers house after all and we are both married with children and homes of our own.
I can't fall out with my father over this, we have always been a close family. I could potentially lose him too. Ive not stopped crying all afternoon. It was enough of a blow when he started dating a few weeks after mum died but we accepted it as it was company for him. It looks now like things have escalated massively.

OP posts:
JamesBlonde1 · 23/04/2017 19:47

No fool like an old fool!

Poor OP, that is horrific. I don't care about your age or if you're independent or not, you're still his children and his family. What on earth is he thinking?

He could very easily have a relationship with her, without her making all these "financial arrangements". She's got other properties and gifting those to her children so those assets are potentially protected from care home fees, whilst your dad's property is not.

She saw him coming alright, and led him right up a neon lit path.

At least try to persuade him to go tenants in common on the family home, so he retains some bloody assets.

I'd be devastated if my father did this and you're a better woman than me to tolerate this "lady".

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 19:48

Ravenesque Flowers your story is so sad! You poor thing - I can't imagine how that must have felt.

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 19:49

"I don't care about your age or if you're independent or not, you're still his children and his family. What on earth is he thinking?"

Exactly this.

Mrsmadevans · 23/04/2017 19:50

I am so sorry OP . This happens and it's gutting for you both. The woman is quite frankly a gold digger and your df a complete idiot. I am so sorry .

Trooperslane · 23/04/2017 19:51

Does your Dad have full capacity?

I'd have loved DM to have had someone special after DDad died, but that woman sounds like a fucking gold digger.

Jesus, OP - I'd be so upset too :(

Absolutely agree no one has a right to inherit but if we're on a scale of 1 -10, she's at the bottom and you and Dsis are at the top.

PurpleMinionMummy · 23/04/2017 19:51

In an ideal world yes deadgood, but it's not a right.

Personally I'd be more concerned about my dad being ripped off than my inheritance when he dies Hmm

Trooperslane · 23/04/2017 19:51

Cross post with Mrs E

:(

Goldfishjane · 23/04/2017 19:52

I really feel for you op, it must be awful

Also tbh I think your dad is being a fool
Why does he want to give up half his house?! Crazy behaviour.

RhiWrites · 23/04/2017 19:54

It must have been a horrible shock and I'm sure you're still grieving.

But if your father buys into his property to make what you described as "much needed improvements" isn't that a good thing? I'm sure your dad would let you take family mementos.

Realistically you'd likely not have seen much by way of inheritance if the house is outdated and might have been sold to pay for care.

At your dad's age there's not a lot of time to spend dating and they want to live together so it's not unreasonable for them to own property together.

Do you believe she loves and cares for him? That's the important question.

MadMags · 23/04/2017 19:54

What is it that you're upset about, OP?

CollectingCoins · 23/04/2017 19:54

Well it's a great deal for her isn't it? She buys half a run down house and doesn't contribute to renovations but gets benefit of them. Her kids get a house each and she's in line to inherit the whole house if your Dad dies?

I would approach this from a pragmatic side first. Point out that she should be paying for half renovations as well as buying half of house pre renovations. At least ensure you Dad is getting a fair deal.

At some later point ask what will happen to the house if he dies. She won't automatically inherit if they aren't married? I think there is an argument to be made that assets from a first marriage should be ring fenced for children of that marriage. Your Mum would have wanted you to have her share. After all she built that home as well. So his half of the new improved house should go tonyou and your sibling.

I am really sorry about your Mum. My own Dad died suddenly in December and I would be even more heart broken if my Mum had moved in so quickly and been so willing to turn her back in our family.

Ravenesque · 23/04/2017 19:54

Thanks, DeadGood. I feel a bit eek, now, because I had no idea when I started posting that the flood of words would pour out and I don't want to detract from what is a horrible, horrible situation for the OP. Things trigger us, I guess. Our situations are similar, but different and I feel so bad for anyone going through something like this. It feels like being dumped but far worse.

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