Devastated but should I be?

[Solarpinlight]

Very long story shortened or I'd write a book.

My father called me and my sister up today, said he needed to talk to us. Our mother passed away suddenly last December, we are still struggling with it and my sister and I miss her terribly. My father started seeing a woman not long after, we have met her a few times but we've gathered she's possessive of my dad and he's started to be less and less available. My sister and I have found this difficult but understand he's an adult and as long as she's not being forced to be our mother then even though I don't really like it we've accepted it for peace all round.
Today father tells us that his girlfriend wants to move in with him into his house. She is planning to give her daughter her house and her son a house she owns elsewhere. Part of the 'deal' of her moving in with my dad is that she will give him half the value of his house in cash if she can be then signed over half his house, in effect buying half. He will then spend this money on much needed modernisation. My father wasn't looking for our blessing, it seems he's doing it whether we like it or not. His attitude is that we are all settled and working so don't need his money. My sister and I came away she'll shocked and it's only now sinking in. Our mother would not have wanted this at all. She'd be devastated to think we were losing our family home. His GF is 12 years younger than him, he's 70 so once it's all sorted out if he dies first then she'll have the house.
I've come home and spent an hour on the phone to my sister as she's as gutted as I am. Where on earth do we go from here, he's adamant the GF is his future and we are not to interfere. I feel sick, I know he's entitled to his life but why do this to us? He's not the man I thought he was and I'm reeling.

It's not your home, it's your father's. I will never understand the mentality so common on MN that inheritance is an entitlement, especially when people are "devastated" about it before the person in question has even died. Just horrible. Focus on your own career/earnings and let your father spend his remaining years doing what makes him happy.

^^This exactly. Your dad is rounding out his life - he should wring what happiness he can out of the years he has left. Wouldn't you? If you think she has nefarious intentions, then gently recommend he protect some of his assets but that should be about him, not any potential inheritance you may someday receive.

Is there any way of discussing this with your father without putting his back up?

ie: what you've said here: your mum would want you & your sister to inherit. I totally get that it's not all about the inheritance.

Does your dad not see the comparison regarding his girlfriend's children?

Or maybe that's how the gf got the first two houses.

HmmOk You may have cross posted with SusieOwl who gave wise advice.
I would certainly look into the background of this woman.
She may be innocent. She may not be.
What she says,and what is reality, may differ.
It is far too soon for your father to take such a big step.
Do you know his solicitor?
Would he/she advise caution ?

She sounds like a gold digger to me.

I wouldn't be happy no. But nor would I be devastated by the lack of inheritance. I might be devastated that my dad is now in a hugely vulnerable position should they break up, or that I might get frozen out completely due to the gf's influence, in which case I'd be concerned he might be getting into an abusive relationship.

It happened to me ....step mother of 7 wks ended up with the lot .

Nothing we could do , nothing we said made a difference to DF , he was marrying her anyway and we were told to butt out .

Everything my DM and DF worked for is now going to some niece of hers as she didn't (clearly) want any kids of her own .

There has been no contact since DF funeral 4 years ago .

Left a poor taste in mine and my siblings mouths , sullied every memory of DF we have , how could he disregard us like that, like we didn't exist........ Because he was getting a shag every now and then ,that's how .

There I've said it ! , such a shame really ,

Op , sorry your going through this

Lynn exactly what I thought.

I'm in the camp that thinks your dad. An do what he likes with the house - sell it and buy a gite in France or travel the world. Whatever. It's his now.

But, I think the rebound relationship sounds hard for you.

Can you talk to your dad about the relationship and how you find it quite quick, and you want him to be happy but it's all so fast, without mentioning the house?

You need to work on this and be smart op.How did your dad meet this woman?

Do you normally have a good relationship with dad? Is he normally the supportive and understanding type or has he always had a selfish streak?

Talk to your dad, this probably needs several conversations.

"Dad, we are (I am) very pleased for you that you have found someone who you like spending time with. We want you to be happy and enjoy a decent quality of life as much as possible. It must be really difficult for you now that mum has passed and we totally understand that you want to make the most of life now. We really want you to know that you can come to us anytime if you feel like talking about mum or anything else."

Then..
"As pleased as we are for you we do feel a bit conflicted and even sad about the recent changes as it feels like our shared past has disappeared completely, with mum passing and a new person entering this shared family space. I hope you understand that it will need a little time for this new family constellation to gel and grow together but we are very willing to ogive it a go."

Then..
"Please don't feel this is patronising but we want to make sure that the new legal arrangement is sound and safe. It's come as a bit of a surprise that half the family home will be sold. Would you mind terribly if I asked if there are any financial issues or why you feel you want to do this deal at this point in time?"

...
"Your partners' children have 'inherited' property from their mum, how do you feel about us inheriting from you and mum? Do you feel that's not something you see happening, which f course is completely your decision or is there a way we can deal with this to make sure your property is safe guarded and if you do wish to leave your children anything, how can you best secure this? We don't expect anything but wanted to clarify what your thinking on this is"

Ease him into the conversation and then ask outright what he is planning to do. Keep it light an show understanding for him and his situation.

OP I don't want to cast aspersions but is it possible he was seeing this woman before your mum passed? 3 months is very quick to be doing what he's doing. Would it not make more sense that they had been together longer without you knowing?

Sorry about your mum OP
I'm afraid I'm very cynical about the GF and totally aside from the inheritance question I would be concerned for your DF. Once everything is in place as she wishes - will she continue to behave so kindly towards him ??

Very sorry about your situation, OP.

Three months is far too quick. I'm very suspicious about this woman's motives.

The money/inheritance aside, I would nake sure you spend as much time as possible with your Father over the next few months (if not possible in person then on the phone). I would also act quickly about your DMs possessions. My DF had a massive clear out when my DM died (nothing to do with another woman), because he couldn't bare to look at DMs possessions. I was grieving at the time and didn't rescue everything I should have before it was thrown away.
Wishing you well

I'm so sorry, i lost my mum june 2010 (i was 20, dad was 48) and if he'd moved on like that it would have hurt me more than could be expressed.
He only started even chatting to women as friends after 5 years post her passing, and its a bit odd now that he dates, but he'd never move in, marry or anything like that with anyone else. He's been very clear about that, he'd never have a serious relationship again (i do live at home as he's my carer but he'd not do so even if i lived independently)

You are absolutely not unreasonable to be devastated, it's so soon fter your mum and a serious commitment to this new woman he can't know well enough to get in to bed with financially like this.

That's dreadful. The woman sounds a total grabber and opportunist. Signing both her houses over and then grabbing half of your Dad's house. Puts a new slant on greed. But what to do. I think I'd say don't you think it's a bit soon to be making these decisions. I bet she'll be filing for divorce in a year or so. I'd stop contact for the time being if he goes ahead with this.

This evening my sister and I are both questioning whether he was seeing her before. He's known her for years apparently, through bowls. I'm honestly reeling, I don't know what to think.

Legally there are ways for Df to leave the new gf the estate yet on her death it goes to you not her kids. It's pretty common. Thing is it has to come from him

Your DF's new woman sounds like a gold digger that's targeted your father , he's still grieving and not thinking straight , she's using this to her best advantage ( along with the fact you and your DS are not close by )
Question ? Would she have any interest in your father at all if he didn't own a house ? ( of course not !)

Difficult to know where to get advice , it's a tricky one but he really needs to allow some time to be able to grieve properly and I would think he would come to his senses , however she seems to know exactly what she is doing and is rushing ahead so that she gets the house whilst he's vulnerable

I understand how you feel as you are grieving for your mum. But what your dad does now with his home and his money is his business.
My mum passed away suddenly and I felt very similar. It was a total shock when my dad moved on quickly with his life - I didn't expect it. But life is for the living. I'm now getting close to the age my mum was when she died and as you get older you really do realise that you haven't got forever and that makes you see life differently. My mum wouldn't have wanted my dad to live the life he did after she was gone but it was his life, and she wasn't here. Loneliness can be crippling.

I get it now, but I didn't then.

Based on my mum's mates' experiences one thing I would suggest is that you ask your dad if you and your sister can have some things of your mum's now. Just the trinkets that you care about that aren't worth much and the GF would probably put in a box.

I'm sorry that I can't help with the big picture.

Sorry people have said this already. Rtft!!

Completely understand why you're upset, op. The fact that your dad's partner's children have been factored in rubs salt in the wound.
I imagine you're feeling that your mum may have arranged her Estate very differently if she had forseen this. It seems to happen a lot and is a lesson for all parents to ensure that their legacy cannot go to someone entirely unknown to them.

Of course no-one is entitled to an inheritance, but large or small, it isn't just about sums of money. It is about the love and care we want from our parents, even when we are grown up. It is about feeling equally loved as siblings, it is about wanting to honour what a parent or parents want to pass down to us. When people exploir the vulnerable and nudge children out, they do this knowing that kind people find it hard to discuss inheritance because it feels greedy and grasping. The vast majority of parents (unless they are so wealthy that they feel passing on large sums would not be good for their children) want to give their children and Grandchildren the fruits of their labour. I want that, my parents wanted that. Wills and inheritance can cause huge pain because it can feel as though they tell us in pounds and property how much we were valued, how much we were loved. It is very hard to get away from that feeling, however noble and unselfish one is. OP I feel so sorry for you. You sound a lovely person. Your Dad is making decisions so bonkers that I feel really worried about all of you. I don't think the other woman can be a kind person or she herself would be considering you and your sister. When I first read the post I assumed that you would be getting the money she is paying for half the house, that she would be buying out your Mum essentially. Even that seemed mad at this stage. What is happening is much worse. I agree with pps who have said take any items of sentimental value that belonged to your Mum NOW, before she gets her hands on them . Personally I would also have a heart to heart with your Dad. Tell him you are worried it is very soon for such a big decision. Tell him that you know your Mum wanted to pass things on to you and your sister, and that you are worried this won't happen. I know you are worried about a fall-out, and I understand that it must be a terrible thought , so soon after losing your mother, but sometimes things need to be said. He isn't acting in a rational way. As a pp said- No fool like an old fool.

I totally get what u mean op, Your mum worked all her life and put money into that house not for a stranger to benefit from when your dad passes away. Of course your mum would want it to go to you not a partner your Dad has recently met.
Its not about being money grabbing its about the person who has passed away not having their wishes respected.

Sorry you are going through this op

"This evening my sister and I are both questioning whether he was seeing her before. He's known her for years apparently, through bowls. I'm honestly reeling, I don't know what to think."

I hope not. This would change the whole dynamic. Why is life so bloody complicated all the time. I feel for you and your sister OP, I really do.

I agree with posters saying you should try and get your mum's belongings. What a tricky situation. and or .