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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel horrible and yet right about DH debt, holidays and ttc

115 replies

Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:07

My DH had debt issues that revealed themselves before we got married that sparked some trust issues but we worked through them. A year post wedding,
5k new debt came out of the woodwork (third of it fees alone for not paying back the expensive things he'd bought for his hobby on his credit card as he was paying half of our expensive holidays and was too ashamed to tell me he couldn't afford it).
DH is currently paying off his total £7k left of debt and I have full visibility of accounts if I require access and he is paying back agreed amounts on time monthly.

However As a result, we cannot afford to go on holiday this year at all, and there's no point me going on my own. I've travelled with friends a bit last year and it already raised questions with family and friends as to why I was holidaying separately from my husband.

Other than his shit money management, he's fab.

We are wanting to ttc but my safety instinct has kicked in that says he needs to clear debt first. I have the opposite money issues to him in that I'm petrified of never having enough savings.

AIBU to just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!! YOUR STUPID HOBBY HAS PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD AND OUR PLAN TO START A
FAMILY AND/OR GO ON ADVENTURES HAS BEEN DELAYED BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPENDING DECISIONS. I DIDN'T DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY WE DIDN'T HAVE YET I SUFFER AS MUCH AS YOU BECAUSE OF IT.

Safe to say, said hobby is now abandoned until debt is cleared.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2017 23:13

YANBU to be angry, no.

Trust seems like a big issue and he'll have to prove he's changed before you can be sure ttc, with him, is a good idea.

Cockadoodle · 22/04/2017 23:15

No he sounds like a bell end btw. Are you sure that's all?

PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2017 23:17

I'd be more upset that he hadn't told me about the debt. I would seriously be wondering what else he was hiding and whether I could trust him or not.

I can totally understand why you're angry.

SallyGinnamon · 22/04/2017 23:20

You could pay for you both to go somewhere interesting but not extravagant?

It sounds like you are me and him, not us.

Original poster
Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:24

Trust with money is a bit of an issue, but trust with anything else is fine. He's a great husband, money management aside. I helped him sort a payment plan out and he got his card frozen and has paid back religiously ever since.

borders I had considered that but would it not just look like I'm rewarding bad behaviour and say it's okay, I'll pay for the fun for both of us whilst you pay back your hobbies you spent thousands on for just you? I've paid for two UK weekends away for us in the last few months.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 22/04/2017 23:26

This happened with my ex. I had to leave him. There was no way I was going to be pulled down by his debts.
We briefly got back together a couple of years later when he should have been debt free if he had stuck to monthly plan. He didn't and took out more debts.

You should not be managing his finances and checking up on him. If he can't prioritise your marriage then why are you?

PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2017 23:26

When you say £5k if new debt "came out of the woodwork", dies that mean he ran up £5k of debt after you got married or had he hidden it from you?

acquiescence · 22/04/2017 23:27

I always find it weird when people put 'hobby' - fair enough if you think it is outing but please give us an example of a similar hobby and what he could have spent funds on.
Dishonesty is not a good thing in a relationship, I think this is the issue here rather than the money management. Do you feel you can now trust him and that you are equal partners in your marriage? I think this important before ttc. Good luck OP.

Aria2015 · 22/04/2017 23:28

As previous posters have said, I'd be worried about the lack of disclosure about his debt. Definitely something to keep an eye on for the future.

But as it's done and you are now married then perhaps it's something you could tackle as a couple to clear it faster? Or could you clear his debt with your savings? If you had enough to do this then that would mean you wouldn't have to wait to start a family (if waiting is really upsetting you).

I don't think you need loads of savings for a baby, if anything I've found it easier to save since having one because I don't go out as much and have no time for shopping lol!

Hope it works out for you Smile

Ethylred · 22/04/2017 23:30

"Other than his shit money management, he's fab."

Fab? Really? I mean, really? I say, run don't walk. People don't change.

Fruitcorner123 · 22/04/2017 23:31

I would also be really annoyed with the deceit and understand why you don't like being lied to. That is a huge issue. However the idea that you booking a holiday is "rewarding bad behaviour" suggests that it's your job to discipline him, you're not his mother. Either decide you have forgiven him and go on a holiday you pay for or accept you haven't yet forgiven or accepted what he has done yet and go with some friends or by yourself. Who cares what your family think. It may do some good to have a week or two away from him anyway.

Either way you want a holiday so if you can afford it why not?

Properjob · 22/04/2017 23:32

Hmmm, providing you think he's really turned over a new leaf are there other things he does or could do that are equivalent to money? Do you feel he makes equal or maybe more effort tha you in other aspects? Just thinking that if one of you earned a lot more, would you never go on holidays unless you could both pay in the same? Are you cutting off your nose to spite your face ? Or maybe it's just too soon to trust him yet, sounds like you are not happy subsidising him, but is that only because of the debt? Sorry going to post and run (well sleep) Smile

JigglyTuff · 22/04/2017 23:33

Have a holiday. Say he's got a big project on at work or something.

Do not TTC. I'd wait until at least a year after his debts are cleared. He has got into a habit of spending what he doesn't have. It will be very easy for him to take out another credit card ...

Fruitcorner123 · 22/04/2017 23:36

Also want to add maternity leave and babies are expensive and if you are young enough you and earn enough savings will make things a lot less stressful. I would wait until he has shown he can stick to the payment plans. Once you have a baby you are financially tied together for 18 years. You sound like you are being sensible but it's sad that you have to miss out on things because of his bad decisions. I hope he manages to sort his debt out.

StrawberryJelly00 · 22/04/2017 23:38

Op I would like to bet on the fact that this will happen again.
The warning signs came before you were married yet you still married him - this is him, he is showing you who he is.
Why would you think it's going to be any different?

SallyGinnamon · 22/04/2017 23:38

Rewarding bad behaviour does sound a bit like you're treating him like a child but I can see your point. I'd be worried that he felt he had to spend on the holidays previously and wasn't able to tell you he couldn't afford it.

I fell into that trap with an ex that earned a lot more than me. He liked nice places and nice meals - and so did I. Except I couldn't really afford it!

With DH and I everything is joint even though he earns 5x what I do. So either WE can afford something or we can't.

Original poster
Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:40

Do I sound like I'm ignoring you all if I say I do want to stay with him, have a family with him, he is paying it back etc? I think I'm just hurt and feeling fed up he did it again, I want to trust he wouldn't. I just wish his debt would go away so we can move on with life.

ethylred other than money management he is fab actually. He's kind, caring, an excellent cook, thoughtful, handy around the house and in the garden, great with my family. He's not malicious, spending money on drugs/other women, violent. He's just shit with a credit card.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 22/04/2017 23:42

I'm sure he's lovely. But he's also got a debt problem and he lied to you.

Fruitcorner123 · 22/04/2017 23:43

Op you haven't disclosed his hobby but it isn't something that could be addictive is it?

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/04/2017 23:45

I had a horrible blip with money management when DP met me, and I am so glad he has been understanding and helped me through it. Mine was tied to mental
Health issues and traumatic events which I am out the other side of now and am back to being sensible.

Only you can know if this was a "blip" he has learnt from or is innately part of who he is. I think a degree of compatability in terms of views on spending/saving is needed in relationships.

Ethylred · 22/04/2017 23:46

OP, he's deceitful. To you.

Original poster
Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:47

Not addictive in the traditional sense, it's quad biking. (addictive only in the sense it was his passion and I knew that early on when we met).
Yes he has had debt problems and lied to me Sad and yes there's always the risk if would happen again. if I didn't feel sad earlier, I do even more with the home truths now

OP posts:
Paninotogo · 22/04/2017 23:48

The good points you have listed make no difference to the fact that his debt has forced you to put your life on hold, you can't have babies or adventures together. No amount of kindness or good cooking will ever make up for that. Don't waste any more time, don't you deserve more?

EllieQ · 22/04/2017 23:49

Has he sold his hobby equipment to clear these debts?

PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2017 23:49

Op could you clarify what happened with this £5k new debt? Did that happen after he'd already told you he'd be sensible with money and pay everything back?