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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel horrible and yet right about DH debt, holidays and ttc

115 replies

Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:07

My DH had debt issues that revealed themselves before we got married that sparked some trust issues but we worked through them. A year post wedding,
5k new debt came out of the woodwork (third of it fees alone for not paying back the expensive things he'd bought for his hobby on his credit card as he was paying half of our expensive holidays and was too ashamed to tell me he couldn't afford it).
DH is currently paying off his total £7k left of debt and I have full visibility of accounts if I require access and he is paying back agreed amounts on time monthly.

However As a result, we cannot afford to go on holiday this year at all, and there's no point me going on my own. I've travelled with friends a bit last year and it already raised questions with family and friends as to why I was holidaying separately from my husband.

Other than his shit money management, he's fab.

We are wanting to ttc but my safety instinct has kicked in that says he needs to clear debt first. I have the opposite money issues to him in that I'm petrified of never having enough savings.

AIBU to just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!! YOUR STUPID HOBBY HAS PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD AND OUR PLAN TO START A
FAMILY AND/OR GO ON ADVENTURES HAS BEEN DELAYED BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPENDING DECISIONS. I DIDN'T DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY WE DIDN'T HAVE YET I SUFFER AS MUCH AS YOU BECAUSE OF IT.

Safe to say, said hobby is now abandoned until debt is cleared.

OP posts:

AnathemaPulsifer · 22/04/2017 23:54

How are you ever going to know that more debt isn't going to come out of the woodwork? The fact he did it again after the first time would be sounding klaxons I'd find it hard to silence.

Original poster

Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:55

Ellie other than his top of the range quad bike yes. He's sold all the spares and equipment he had, and he's put this one up for sale but its hard to find someone with that much cash available as it's a very expensive one.

purple sorry for confusion, he had £2k debt I knew of that he was paying back. The £5k debt was then collected on a credit card which I then became aware of. He then sorted a plan to pay it all back, and promised to sort his shit out which is where we are now.

OP posts:

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 22/04/2017 23:55

Maybe I'm wrong but I think you posted about this not very long ago, sorry to hear things haven't started improving for you

PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2017 23:58

So at no point before the new debt came to light did he say that there wasn't any more debt and he'd told you about all of it?

Fruitcorner123 · 22/04/2017 23:58

If you love him I would stick by your decision to give him a chance to clear things up but if it was me I would agree with myself that this was his last chance. If he does it again how will you ever trust him? I was in a small amount of debt when i met my husband and he paid it off. I was only 21 and never want to be in that position again. I learnt my lesson and would never lie to him or borrow money behind his back. Your DH may feel the same and never want to lie to you again. If he doesn't feel that then you will see that from his actions over time.

JigglyTuff · 23/04/2017 00:00

So he owns such a hideously expensive quad bike that no one wants to buy it? Wow. That's some serious living beyond your means.

Honestly, I don't think it's definitely a no hoover but I stand by my first post.

JigglyTuff · 23/04/2017 00:01

No goer - don't know where Hoover came from

LonginesPrime · 23/04/2017 00:04

I would carry on going on holidays without him - why should you miss out on living your life because of his stupid behaviour?

Twofurrycats · 23/04/2017 00:04

In my view it is not that he was in debt it is that he didn't tell you. I wouldn't be TTC with him until I was much more sure. And as for friends and family wondering about holidays without him - fuck 'em. What's it to do with them?

TempusEedjit · 23/04/2017 00:07

He's not malicious, spending money on drugs/other women, violent.

You always know when someone's in denial about their relationship when they trot out this kind of list to illustrate how "good" their relationship is. I know, I did this myself with my abusive ex. Counsellor told me to judge on what someone does do, not what they don't do. And what your DH does is runs up and conceals large amounts of debt from you which impacts you both, and lies to you about it. He wasn't being very kind, caring or thoughtful when he blew £5k of family money which you're both picking up the pieces for. Sorry you're feeling sad but he's shown you who he is.

Runningbutnotscared · 23/04/2017 00:07

mumsnet is very black and white with hidden debt. If a partner has lied then LTB, or give one more chance and prepare to LTB.

No one can know if its going to be a one off, but treating him like a child - having access to all his accounts, making him sell his stuff, monitoring all aspects of his life also doesn't seem like a great way forward. It sounds angsty and hard going for everyone.

If your looking for a reason to leave the relationship then your partner being crap with money is a good one.

JaniceBattersby · 23/04/2017 00:09

If he can't sell the quad bike then he needs to keep putting he price down until it becomes cheap enough for someone to buy it. Otherwise, it may be that he's pricing it so high that nobody wants to buy it he gets to keep it

Babymamamama · 23/04/2017 00:14

I split with someone who I'd been with long term who had similar issues to what you describe. After I'd decided I couldn't continue to ttc with someone who was so flaky money wise, he then disclosed the full scale of his debt. Goodness me I thanked god I had never married him. Think hard OP sadly he sounds like a man child to me.

DrunkenMissOrderly · 23/04/2017 00:18

My ex was like this. It got to the point that his wage was going into my bank so that I could sort our finances out.
And then he'd secretly get a new credit card. I'm embarrassed at how much debt was uncovered before I finally left him. I kept thinking that if I could just get us straight everything would be perfect.
It will never be over. Sorry.

SallyGinnamon · 23/04/2017 00:20

I'm not convinced about all this LTB stuff.

DF was always crap with money (and some of his DC have inherited that trait!). And he knew it.

DStepM used to joke that it took her 2 years to pay off the CC debt he'd run up 'courting' her. She used their money. Both salaries went into a joint account which only she had access to and then he got spends when he went out. This arrangement suited them both and they had a very happy marriage.

Being crap with money isn't a cardinal sin, it just needs managing the same as any other issue.

nelipotter · 23/04/2017 00:27

It gets boring how MN is so quick to LTB or wait, is there more!!!
It's a pretty shitty scenario, and you are probs right to hold off for a bit on treats and TTC.
But sometimes people want to change. When I was single I tended towards messy and spendthrift, but I want to do better with my partner, and so I try.
Also, these days people are often not taught any money skills and the world actively encourages us to have many monthly direct debits and to not think of tomorrow.. Learning money skills is just that, a real learning process. It is totally possible to make mistakes, esp. if you you don't have someone to help you.
You shouldn't have to, but every relationship has its challenges.
Can you have cheapie camping holidays and stuff? Has he got a good job with hope for promotion? So that in the future he will have enough income he can indulge fancy hobbies?

Original poster

Fourbyfour · 23/04/2017 00:35

I don't want to leave him. I want to support him. I didn't force him to sell everything, he chose to. I didn't ask to hand hold him, he accepted my help.

His parents never taught him the value of money. They didn't have it and worked numerous jobs each, then self employment catapulted them into riches when DH hit his teens so they treated him to 'make up' for tough times. No one ever taught him how or why to plan for the future until he met me, he was taught to live for now as one day it'll all go and you can't take money to the grave.

He has a good job with excellent prospects, we have some savings to cover mortgage/bills etc he hasn't touched and when he's debt free we have agreed he will increase these.

He has helped me overcome huge challenges in the past, I will help him now - I believe life swings in roundabouts.

I guess I just wanted to vent my frustration at having to hold back on life plans and wanted to know if I was unreasonable to feel that way.

Ultimately, he is paying the debts back. He knows trust is an issue and has promised to rebuilt it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fourbyfour · 23/04/2017 00:38

borders and neli thank you.

OP posts:

Aprilrosesews · 23/04/2017 00:38

I know exactly how you feel. My DH is exactly the same, he had debt, we cleared it and I completely trusted him with finances again. 2 years later we have £5000+ of new debt. I knew there was a bit of debt as we had to cover finances for a month between new and old job. But when I found out it was 5x what it should have been i was devasted that he pulled us back to where we were and like you I was/am mad that I also have to sacrifice to make up for this. But at the end of the day we are a team, I'm far from bloody perfect myself (extremely bossy cow) and apart from being horrendously shocking with money, he is selfless, kind, more than pulls his weight etc etc like you said your DH is.

The point of what I'm trying to say is that money is his flaw and yes YANBU cause you have to suffer too, but if you still love him regardless be a team. Yes be selfish and treat yourself as you are doing and not him as I'm with you on feeling like you are rewarding him! But I think people are being a bit harsh going automatically to 'you deserve better', we all have our flaws too. I think the issue is more how you feel it and if you feel like you can manage not trusting him with money.

It might be a bit TMI but might be helpful as we were in a very similar situation the way we know do our finances is: We now get paper statements for everything so we (not just me) can be fully open and honesty with all personal and joint finances. I also have full access to anything online any time I ask (eg I text him and ask what his balance is on whatever account he will send me a screen shot of his app straight away). He gets paid, he sends me his money and I give him back anything left and he can see exactly what it's spent on any time.

honeylulu · 23/04/2017 00:48

Sounds shit I agree.
But does he actually want to try got a baby and or go on holiday? Or would he prefer to keep up with his hobby?
It sounds like you might be on very different pages.

JigglyTuff · 23/04/2017 00:59

The thing is it's not just a minor personality flaw. It can lead to homelessness and not being able to afford to send your kid on the school trip you should be able to afford and working longer in a job that you hate. Debt is crippling.

People can absolutely change - I was always in debt when I was young (though never massively) but I owe nothing at all now - but they have to want to do it and make changes themselves. I'm just not convinced treating an adult like a child is going to lead to sustainable behaviour change.

Italiangreyhound · 23/04/2017 01:22

Fourbyfour you sound incredibly good and supportive.

Re the expensive quad bike. Could you see if you can legally hire it to some kind of quad biking cenre? To gain income? This is just an idea! No idea if it would work but only do it if you can do it legally, and be 100% clear about things like insurance and what would happen if someone injured themselves riding it etc.

Re waiting to conceive. How old are you? If you are willing to say.

If you are under 30 (in your shoes) I'd be happy to wait. Early 30s, probably wait a bit,.

Anywhere near 33/34 etc I would just go for it now. (Fertility issues in my family, I knew about possible ones and I didn't start trying to conceive until 37, very good reasons and all worked out well but I'm just saying.....).

ItsOut · 23/04/2017 01:44

No one ever taught him how or why to plan for the future until he met me, he was taught to live for now as one day it'll all go and you can't take money to the grave

It might make it more palatable to you to blame his parents but it's not their fault. It's your DH's.

Paninotogo · 23/04/2017 02:27

Why do you have savings when he has debt? This makes absolutely no sense.

Hulder · 23/04/2017 05:20

Hang on a minute, he has savings he has hasn't touched but still has debt

This makes no sense at all.

If he has untouched savings, what is the worry about?

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