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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel horrible and yet right about DH debt, holidays and ttc

115 replies

Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:07

My DH had debt issues that revealed themselves before we got married that sparked some trust issues but we worked through them. A year post wedding,
5k new debt came out of the woodwork (third of it fees alone for not paying back the expensive things he'd bought for his hobby on his credit card as he was paying half of our expensive holidays and was too ashamed to tell me he couldn't afford it).
DH is currently paying off his total £7k left of debt and I have full visibility of accounts if I require access and he is paying back agreed amounts on time monthly.

However As a result, we cannot afford to go on holiday this year at all, and there's no point me going on my own. I've travelled with friends a bit last year and it already raised questions with family and friends as to why I was holidaying separately from my husband.

Other than his shit money management, he's fab.

We are wanting to ttc but my safety instinct has kicked in that says he needs to clear debt first. I have the opposite money issues to him in that I'm petrified of never having enough savings.

AIBU to just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!! YOUR STUPID HOBBY HAS PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD AND OUR PLAN TO START A
FAMILY AND/OR GO ON ADVENTURES HAS BEEN DELAYED BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPENDING DECISIONS. I DIDN'T DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY WE DIDN'T HAVE YET I SUFFER AS MUCH AS YOU BECAUSE OF IT.

Safe to say, said hobby is now abandoned until debt is cleared.

OP posts:

ElisavetaFartsonira · 23/04/2017 09:44

Well rainbows if DH felt he would prefer to keep his quad and delay TTC, he should have been open about that. It's not a problem to have preferences, but it is a problem not to be open about them.

If he wants to keep the quad and delay clearing the debt, that is information he should give OP so she can make an informed decision about whether she's prepared to go along with that or not. Not put it up for more than anyone will buy it for and string her along with the promise that he wants to flog it so they can TTC sooner. Honesty is vital in a relationship at all times, but it's particularly important when he's previously hidden things.

As for your gender reversal, like so many of them when people try this argument on here, it's full of supposition and inaccuracy. He's not being expected to sell everything and you don't know whether he didn't dare or not.

Vegansnake · 23/04/2017 10:03

My bet is ,he won't change..throw kids in to the mix and he will need the hobby to relax and run up more bills

Rockluvvindad · 23/04/2017 10:24

People have different views on debt... My ex DP was horrified by my use of credit cards. I was horrified that she couldn't understand that my view of buying something on 40 months interest free was a LOT cheaper than taking out a loan... There is good debt and bad debt. Why use your own money for something if you don't have to ? Savings rates are so bad these days that creative use of debt is good financial sense. As an example, I just got a new car on 40 months interest free credit for the transfer fee alone... Instead of paying a much higher APR with a bank loan.

However, bad use of credit cards is very expensive as you have seen ... I'm going to go against the grain of advice on here and say if he's that good to you and you really want a future with him then £5000 is a small amount of money to throw that away for... You can learn trust in his financial habits if he is willing to work at it. I have been there with my ex-wife. I was in a fair bit of debt when we met but she stuck with me and we had 20 pretty good years together as a result. What I had to do to regain her trust was to actually pay my salary into a joint account with her, and we each had "spending money" paid from there into a separate account. she had visibility of that account too so never had to question where my money was going. Within a few years it was a habit for me and actually I would find it really hard being in a relationship where we didn't pool money as it's a partnership...

If you stick together, take a look at moneysavingexpert.com... Lots of good advice about debt on there. If he hasn't already, get the debt transferred onto an interest free card ASAP so he isn't paying interest on it, and then pay off the monthly amount you need to in order to clear the debt in the interest free period...

Good luck,

RLD.

mumontherun14 · 23/04/2017 10:33

Maybe rather than you organinsing everything for him - get him to call a debt counselling charity like Payplan. They are very helpful with great advice. Maybe if he talks to someone other than you about it he can understand the seriousness of debt but that also there is plenty of help available and getting debt free is a great thing to aim for which can let you live your life fully with more choices available to you both in the future. I am not the best with money either - (prone to overspending) and my DH has helped me a lot and we have 2 DC and a happy life together and have got on top of our debts and will soon be debt free but it takes communication, budgeting, effort and willingness to work to a shared goal together but it can be done - best of luck xxxx

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 11:33

He really should have the cash before buying whatever crap he's after

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/04/2017 11:49

It sounds as if you are the sort of person who prioritises holidays as a hobby whereas he prioritises regular weekly activities. Neither is wrong but his mistake was trying to do the holiday as well as his existing hobby. Dh loves holidays but for various reasons we haven't been away since August and our bank balance is looking a lot healthier for it. You are upset because he doesn't have the money to spend on your hobby, but which would he rather do your hobby or his hobby? He has now given up his hobby for you. It sounds though as if that wasn't enough and you are cross that he hasn't the money to join in with your hobby, not that he's cross that he can't do your hobby.

I think that you need to think whether you want to be throwing everything in together for the future in which case depending on the interest rates on debt compared to savings you might want to clear the debt before focussing on savings. If you don't think that you want to be spending on similar things then it is better to get out now rather than becoming resentful.

MuncheysMummy · 23/04/2017 12:06

People can and DO change! My DH is a perfect example of this...when we met he was terrible with money to the point where he was paid weekly in cash in a brown pay packet envelope and used to spend mos of it before the weekend was out despite having a rented house to run! I literally had to sit him down and show him how to budget and set aside the minemy each week to lay for his rent,gas,water etc etc! He used to panic and tr to or for everything one or two weeks a month then fail obviously! His mum literally never thought him anything about budgeting and managing his money. However 7 years later he oversees all our household finances,a gradual mutual decision since we had our DS he took over from me on that front when I was a bit scatter brained and fraught with a newborn. He does a fantastic job and I'm really proud of him

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 12:34

You probably just need a chat with him about what sort of holidays you'd both like once the debt is clear. You might have different ideas. And also discuss how much to spend on hobbies per annum once the debt is clear

KayTee87 · 23/04/2017 12:39

borders I had considered that but would it not just look like I'm rewarding bad behaviour

He's your husband, not your toddler.

Yanbu to be annoyed but if you can afford to pay for you both to go on holiday, I don't understand why you wouldn't just pay. You're a married couple.

Trills · 23/04/2017 12:46

IMO the only fair way to split money when you are married is to have equal spending money, after all joint expenses and bills are dealt with.

He has spent his spending money and more, and is in debt.

So now for a good while you're going to have a lot more spending money than him, because he'll be using (nearly) all of his to pay off his debt.

You can choose whether to use some of your spending money to pay off his debt quicker, or whether to just wait, and spend your spending money on yourself (as he has with his).

Keeping it for yourself is fairer (I'd recommend you find a fun holiday that you can go on without him), but you may want to choose to do something that is unfair on you, in order to get to the place you want to be quicker. If you do make that choice, you'd have to convince yourself that he has learned his lesson and won't expect you to do it again.

OutToGetYou · 23/04/2017 13:16

Rockluvvindad - good debt is usually meant to refer to something that you have taken on a debt for but which is an appreciating asset, like a house, not a car. Where the asset value is likely to increase at a faster rate than the cost of servicing the debt.

If you want a car - save up til you can afford it. Getting it interest free doesn't make it a 'good debt'. You still have to pay it and if you have no income, you can't. The only time this works is if you have savings to cover it and there is no penalty for early repayment.

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 13:20

personally I'd rather spend my cash on a gym membership then a long weekend away. So you do need to discuss priorities as they may differ. However he really shouldn't be buying stuff he can't afford

CowGull · 23/04/2017 17:01

OP the thing that worries me from your post is that you and your DH may have different goals in mind as motivation for clearing the debt. I hope I am wrong but the quad biking being on hold 'for now' sounds to me like he is waiting to get back into that as soon as possible whereas your priority is a last coupley holiday together before TTC. Have you both clearly discussed how the time and money for the biking will work with family life? My DH enjoys a similar hobby and while money has thankfully not been an issue, him taking weekends to go riding then being tired all week, has. Not to mention the endless hours tinkering with the fucking bike instead of spending quality time with DS and I or doing his share of the shitwork.

EllieQ · 23/04/2017 18:14

That's a good point from CowGull - does he understand that expensive, time-consuming hobbies aren't compatible with life with a small child? If it's the type of thing where he spends whole days out if the house while you're at home doing the childcare, that's really not fair on you, especially if all the spare cash goes on his hobby and you're scraping together money for a hair cut or something.

That's the type of thing you need to discuss before having children - how you and he think your life will change.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 23/04/2017 18:34

Yep.

I am not saying LTB, and nor would I necessarily even delay TTC until the debt is cleared if that's what you want. But there's a lack of communication going on here. You need to do a lot of talking first.

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