Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To feel horrible and yet right about DH debt, holidays and ttc

115 replies

Fourbyfour · 22/04/2017 23:07

My DH had debt issues that revealed themselves before we got married that sparked some trust issues but we worked through them. A year post wedding,
5k new debt came out of the woodwork (third of it fees alone for not paying back the expensive things he'd bought for his hobby on his credit card as he was paying half of our expensive holidays and was too ashamed to tell me he couldn't afford it).
DH is currently paying off his total £7k left of debt and I have full visibility of accounts if I require access and he is paying back agreed amounts on time monthly.

However As a result, we cannot afford to go on holiday this year at all, and there's no point me going on my own. I've travelled with friends a bit last year and it already raised questions with family and friends as to why I was holidaying separately from my husband.

Other than his shit money management, he's fab.

We are wanting to ttc but my safety instinct has kicked in that says he needs to clear debt first. I have the opposite money issues to him in that I'm petrified of never having enough savings.

AIBU to just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!! YOUR STUPID HOBBY HAS PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD AND OUR PLAN TO START A
FAMILY AND/OR GO ON ADVENTURES HAS BEEN DELAYED BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPENDING DECISIONS. I DIDN'T DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY WE DIDN'T HAVE YET I SUFFER AS MUCH AS YOU BECAUSE OF IT.

Safe to say, said hobby is now abandoned until debt is cleared.

OP posts:

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 05:29

Go away with your friends. Tell anyone who asks that DH bought himself a quad bike instead of having a holiday.

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 05:33

I wouldnt let him raid the family savings/cushion so that he's debt free. He will think he can just get bailed out willy nilly and not face consequences. I think it's best he chips at his own debt so that he feels the weight of his actions.

TheTabardOfDoom · 23/04/2017 06:17

When I met DH he was in debt but otherwise lovely. He had spent everything he earned all his life. I, on the other hand, am tight as a ducks arse and had savings. Quite quickly he got to see the benefit of having a buffer and the comfort of it over having loads of shit about the place he couldn't afford. I married him but told him if he got into debt I would leave him because it wasn't how I wanted to live my life. We paid down his debt and we are on the same page with money and have been for 15 years. We use CC's but as a tool only.

MickeyRooney · 23/04/2017 06:31

He'll pull you down with him eventually.
i'd call it a day with him and hope to meet someone with a bit more financial sense in the future,

fempsych · 23/04/2017 06:32

I had a similar difficulty at the beginning of my relationship with my DH 10 years ago. Secret debt. He paid it back and we talked, a lot, about how the situation came about (avoidance). It didn't reflect him as a person so we worked through it - paid it off. We have fully shared finances now and anybody can open any post. He also had some therapy for the avoidance aspect.

All people have flaws / I think it depends on the context, their overall personality and whether they were distressed by it. My DH was but couldn't find a way out - also was just general excessive spending nothing addictive. He's better with money then me now 😀

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 06:35

Agree with PP about using the savings to cover part of the debt. You are mad to have savings sitting there earning no interest while the debt grows.

OP, your need to "have savings" is costing you, as a couple, more money.

Also - I'm pretty shocked that people are asking why your DH isn't coming on holiday, and also shocked that you care.

And the "rewarding bad behaviour"... tread carefully there!

Sorry to sound harsh, you both sound perfectly nice and good, but there are some things you could do to manage this better.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/04/2017 06:47

He will do this again and again. You (and any kids) will spend your life going without to service his debts. Run as fast as you possibly can.

You have married him. His debts are your debts. Unless you divorce he can repeatedly run up debt on the sly and you can be held responsible

But you probably won't leave

So you also need monthly experian credit reports. You could think he is paying off he's credit card but he's actually using money from another one to pay it off or run up more debt. You need the complete picture.

DubiousCredentials · 23/04/2017 06:48

If you've had a couple of weekends away this year then that's more than a lot of people have as their holiday each year.

How long will it take him to pay the debt off? If only a year or two I'd use the savings you have and build them up again after.

As a pp suggested, if nobody is buying the quad bike it is simply a case of him having priced it too high. Or not made much of an effort to advertise it properly.

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 06:55

Does he know about budgeting? Does he use any apps?

Wallywobbles · 23/04/2017 06:58

We use an app that tells us what we've spent everyday. All accounts sent to a joint email. We then have to add categories for chèques and any that it can't guess. Shows where your money is going and takes me about 5 mins a week. It's been a useful exercise.

Can you persuade him to use something like YNAB?

user1492232552 · 23/04/2017 06:58

They do not change, this is your life now if you stay with this man and have children with him. Put the house in your name.

user1492232552 · 23/04/2017 07:00

Not true that his debts are your debts though, when I came to divorce his debts were most definitely his and came out of his share.

blueskyinmarch · 23/04/2017 07:07

OP has been clear that she loves her DH and is not planning to leave him over this. She is merely venting some frustration. People can and do change. My DH amend I got into terrible debt when first married. We spent indiscriminately and ran up big credit card bills. We then came to our senses and realised we couldn't keep doing this. We worked out a plan and managed to pay off all the debt. We have never done this again and now have good savings and are very prudent with money. Being married is about supporting each other and growing up together not jacking it in at the first stumble.

DoublyTroubly · 23/04/2017 07:09

To be honest, I really don't understand a lot of the comments here and I think a few people are jumping on the bandwagon

He was obviously stupid with money before but he's doing everything he can to make up for it now. Giving up his passion and sticking religiously to the repayment plan. I think he sounds great

I also think that there shouldn't be your money and his money in a marriage. I think you should pool the savings and use them to pay off the debt (it's much better financially anyway rather than paying a lot of interest on debt). You should definitely take a holiday if that's what both you want and can afford to do, using the joint money.

If one of you lost your job and had to support the other financially, would you? Would you expect to still go on holiday etc?

Haint · 23/04/2017 07:23

People have debt. It's not abnormal. Granted if he's not managing it it's not great but if he is it's just not that much of a big deal.

Why shouldn't he spend money on a hobby rather than a holiday? Perhaps he values (for e.g.) a bike he uses every day and enjoys greatly over two weeks in the sun?

Popskipiekin · 23/04/2017 07:27

I would agree with pps who say that he himself shouldn't have any personal savings whilst still having debt to clear. But why should OP's hard earned salary/good sense to having saved up before the marriage go to bailing out her DH?
This is not the same as him having just lost his job and OP supporting him through that - I'm sure she would. But are all of you saying seriously that if you came to the marriage with £7k of personal savings and then discovered that your DH had £7k of debt that you would just hand it over??
I know I know a lot of you are saying it's only good sense whilst the debt is mounting and there is money there to pay it but as OP's DH does have a payment plan in place then it is being managed.

OP I would be fuming in your situation. I would also not be spending excessively of my own earnings on holidays for myself or for us as a couple - a break is important but can be had on the cheap by staying with family/friends.

I've rtft and don't think anyone has said, by the by, that expensive/time-consuming hobbies and children don't marry well do they? So yes the quad bike really does need to go before the ttc-ing starts.

Fabulousdahlink · 23/04/2017 07:28

I didnt listen to the warning signs. Over 20 years I have bailed him out, forgiven him stood by him, raised his kids.
Over 41k of his unsecured debts later and trips to court to avoid ccjs and having to sell our home to clear his debts. He was always sorry. He would never do it again. I always thought if I tried harder to help him.
He just left me and the kids after 20 years of marriage for another well off partner.No money no joint income no nothing remains for us.
Here's the dealbreaker. You have no joint finances or the control of the joint finances. Weekly budget meetings to teach him what it costs and budget to put so much per week in his hobby fund. No bank card for him.Do NOT ttc.
If he can admit his weakness with money and put his trust in you to help him..he's worth trying to help. If he refuses...well..heres hoping your life doesnt end up like mine. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, stand by your man etc. Left myself financially ruined.

devuskums · 23/04/2017 07:36

Seems to me that the issue is not that he is crap with money but that he has lied about it. The first time should have been the last time, not because you split up but because he realised he should be honest with you and never be so sneaky again. So sorry for you op, sounds like a horrible and never ending predicament.

FlapAttack78 · 23/04/2017 07:36

I was in a similar position when I first got with my partner but he was honest about it from the start which made a difference.

We saved together.. him putting his money off his debt and me putting the same amount of my money into savings. This meant we both had the same amount t of disposable income whixh meant he didn't feel guilty not co tributing to big expensive holidays etc meals out etc that I could do with the extra cash.

Took a couple of years to pay off his debt and in that time I bought a new lovely car with my savings. We are married now and still good at saving and saving towards a house. The car is our only car so he hasn't paid anything towArds that but now is finally better off than me as I went part time whenwe had our baby and he has also got promoted. .. he gives me some of his wages to mean we have the same amount if money still and so it's come full circle really. We are still in the good habit of putting money asideeach month too so managed ti save for baby, for wedding and now house!

Now you know about debt have a sit down yourself first and think how to make it work for you both. Make sure you don't out yourself in a compromised position as I've heard horror stories about people paying off their partners debt and then the relaionship ending and very awkward situation!

I did lend partner sone money to make the interest more manageable but not loads and not so much I would be up crap alley if he screwed me over!

The wy you're doing things at the monebt may lead to you resenting him and him feeling like a naughty child with no pocket money... miserable way to live

FlapAttack78 · 23/04/2017 07:37

Just realised thread is 3 pages long.. only read the first page so I may have missed updates etx!

HappyFlappy · 23/04/2017 07:37

Dahlink

What a shit! After everything he put you through. You (and we) know you are better off without the bastard in your life, but you must feel gutted after having supported and financed him fr so long.

I hope you will be able to pull yourself round from this, emotionally and financially.

SoulAccount · 23/04/2017 07:38

So you previously had an 'expensive holiday ' that presumably you wanted? His mistake, definitely, was to be too ashamed to tell you that he couldn't afford it, but how far was the whole thing driven by you?

I do think it is fair enough for him to enjoy his quad biking more than he enjoys expensive holidays. Have you banned him from quad biking?

It is an expensive hobby for sure, but you have been on an expensive holiday (with him), travelling with friends, weekends away...

I think you need to talk, together, about your shared priorities, listen to what he wants, find out why he was unable to tell you he couldn't afford the holiday.

And don't listen to gossipy friends and family.

HappyFlappy · 23/04/2017 07:38

Popski's post is pure gold!

airforsharon · 23/04/2017 07:39

I think you need to be very practical, and protect yourself. He's done this twice now, and hidden it from you, so - potentially - he could do it again.

I completely disagree that your savings should be used to pay off his debt, you really need a financial 'cushion'. You shouldn't be left with zero because of his spending. I'm very much 'all money is family money' in the general scheme of things, but not when one partner is so, frankly, crap with it.

If you want to try and work through it with him, great. But think very hard about whether you want to take on managing all the family's finances, because you can't trust him. Do you really want to have to 'parent' him in this respect? He needs to commit to learning financial responsibility, and stick to it.

Popskipiekin · 23/04/2017 07:41

How so Happy? Of course glad to have raised a smile on a Sunday morning.
And realise that it has probably something to do with me being tremendously anti-family money and unfeeling.
Let me know and maybe I can change my wicked thought processes.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5