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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel angry with mum becoming 'mother' (and what, if anything do I do about it?)

191 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 22/04/2017 09:42

Ok, probably totally outing myself, but well.

I am old. 46 to be precise. I'm from the NE. My mum has always been my mum. Even when we moved down south, she was still mum.

Then my sister, a few years ago, decided to better herself, and tried to reduce her northern accent and sound posher. She then started to call our mum 'mother'. I think it sounds fucking stupid and pretentious. And she isn't 'mother' she's mum.

Anyway, my mum has since adopted it. And refers to herself as mother. I still think it sounds totally ridiculous. I hate it. When I get a card (or even an WhatsApp) from 'mother' it gives me the rage. firstly cos it just sounds so fucking pretentious and jumped up, secondly, cos she's been my mum for over 40 years, and now she's "MOTHER" (wtf) and thirdly I guess cos it feels like she's siding with my sister, or even worse, adopting her pretentious.

I have mentioned before that I don't like it, but she still does it.

So, do I try again, and if so, how, or do I put up with it until one of us snuffs it, and just feel fucking annoyed every time I have some communication with her?

OP posts:

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 22/04/2017 10:58

daisychain01 - thank you so much. You have articulated perfectly what I mean and why I'm so upset by it.

I am surprised by how many people have responded so negatively, but it has made me think about her wishes.

For those of you who call their mums mum, and suddenly she started to refer to herself as mother, you wouldn't feel weird, surprised, upset? No conversation, nothing, just mother. How is it controlling, really, to be upset and uncomfortable about a name change with such a fundamental person with absolutely no discussion?

Is not just a name to me. It feels like our relationship. I can't article it so well, but I'll try to not let it bother me as IABU

OP posts:

Bunbunbunny · 22/04/2017 11:00

This made me laugh, I call my "mum" mother as I don't like her! I felt it was emotionally removed from mum, colder even and puts a distance between who she is & what I felt a mum should be

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 22/04/2017 11:01

Me and my siblings call ours "mother" but that because it pisses her off. She thinks it makes her sound old, she gave us this view when we were Tweens/teens wasn't the best idea telling us

She also insisted we refered too her as "Glam-Ma" when my DB first baby was due. She believed she was too youg and glamorous to be called Grandma or Nanna.

You just stick too calling her "mum" or influence her to call you another version of your name.

KateDaniels2 · 22/04/2017 11:02

I would call her mum unless she insisted on mother.

The name doesnt change who she is. Its a name. One she (an adult) has chosen to use.

Rainatnight · 22/04/2017 11:03

Could you go full on North East in response and call her Mam?

SoulAccount · 22/04/2017 11:05

Luckily we are not immortal and one of you will 'snuff it', probably your Mum before you, and you will be able to live happily again.

Fingers crossed for you!

TizzyDongue · 22/04/2017 11:06

It's AIBU OP, it is the goal of many to be madly rude. I feel many put in extra effort to be as scathing as possible in every aspect.

You are right about the emotional attachment of names (and the pp who mentioned memories attached to them). I'm sure there's people reading who will take great offense to my referring to my calling my mother's use of mummy and daddy as prattish. They'll be offended because they call their parents this. Difference being I have different emotions attached to mummy and daddy than they do.

You can call your parents what you like, mother, mum, mom, mam, muma, mummy, mammy and so on. But expecting others to use this or that because you think they should is draft (thinking about the frequent threats with a large number of people on MN who get their knickers in a twist over 'mom,).

It's all very well say it's her chosen name (meaning the op's mum) but it's not really is it? Its not the same as Tommy wanting to be called Tom by everyone. It's a reference used between a child and parent, so quite a personal title, a name so personal and intimate surely needs to be one both parties are happy with.

Your mum can be Mother to your sister no problem, if they are both happy with it, but yes of course it'll make you sad if she's taken it upon herself to change that between you too (more so if mother has some negative emotion attached to it for you: for me 'mother' was the term used in an unloving parent /child relationship, so feels cold to me.)

llangennith · 22/04/2017 11:08

Just carry on calling her Mum as you always have and let her call herself mother. I can understand your annoyance but while YANBU you will have to let it go

TizzyDongue · 22/04/2017 11:08

Threads not threats!! But threats could work ...

Batgirlspants · 22/04/2017 11:08

Op if you post In aibu you do get people telling you what they think. most are telling you it's out of your control what your mum wishes to call herself as that's a fact. Chin up.

Batgirlspants · 22/04/2017 11:09

soul but harsh

originalbiglymavis · 22/04/2017 11:10

If mum had done this we would have taken the mickey. But that was our family dynamics through and we would tease each other. We called her mamma for a while after watching some Victorian dramanom tv.

I see where the op is coming from. All of a sudden your mum isn't mum she is mother.

ByeByeBadman · 22/04/2017 11:14

Couldn't you just say 'can we carry on with mum? That's who you are to me. What you do with sister is up to you two, but id like to stick with mum. Otherwise it doesn't seem like you'

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 22/04/2017 11:16

Sorry you think you've had rough treatment but I'm another YABU.

Your Mum decides what she's called, you should respect her wishes even if you disagree. Will she call you out if you continue to call her Mum? If not, then perhaps it's a compromise for you to use the name that fits for you and your sister to use Mother.

Accents change according to circumstance. My husband lost his foreign accent during his teenage years when his family emigrated here. It's bizarre to see old video of him as a child as there's no trace of that accent now. His accent changed due to racial bullying, he was sick of being told to "f-off home" and was desperate to fit in. Accents can also change due to empathy and familiarity with an area, it's no fun having to repeat yourself over and over or rephrase what you've just said because no-one understands the regional term you've used. Also, like you suggest, people can affect "posh" accents. You're the only one who knows your sister, so you're the only one who can judge which is the most likely reason in this case.

ByeByeBadman · 22/04/2017 11:16

And yadnbu

MrsRhubarb · 22/04/2017 11:18

I call DM mother, but I don't really like her...

mammuzzamia · 22/04/2017 11:19

You could go one better and call her 'mummy' I agree with whoever said they don't much think of 'mother' as posh.
I'm with you. I would think it was an affectation at her age (whatever that may be - adult)

My older teenage child calls me mummy but refers to me as 'my mother' when talking to other people

Chottie · 22/04/2017 11:20

I know of someone who calls their parents Mater and Pater............

upperlimit · 22/04/2017 11:21

The proper word is Mam.

mammuzzamia · 22/04/2017 11:22

Yanbu, though your sister can and will continue to do as she likes. The oddest thing about this is that your mother herself is referring to herself with the term your sister uses. That would irritate me. On receiving another card from 'mother' I would ask her why, saying that you've never called her mother.

TizzyDongue · 22/04/2017 11:23

Ha Chottie I can recall a series on TV years ago where the character called her parents mater and pater; my mother tried to insist we start using that (as I said earlier: issues)

RockyBird · 22/04/2017 11:23

I phoned the school the other day and introduced myself as "Mrs Rocky, RockyKid's mother"

Felt like a right bam grown up.

AstrantiaMajor · 22/04/2017 11:25

I can really understand how you feel. It was a bit of a reverse for me as my whole life my mother shortened my name. I could never get her to call me by my proper name. It was such a horrible shortening too.

I think I would start addressing her by her first name. If she queries it, I would say, "you don't like mum, I don't like mother, so I think this is a perfect compromise".

mammuzzamia · 22/04/2017 11:25

I know of someone who calls their parents Mater and Pater........

Bertie Wooster

Allfednonedead · 22/04/2017 11:26

Have you actually talked to your mother about this? If you have explained that it makes you feel rejected, and she has said 'well tough, I would rather be called mother', YANBU to feel sad and hurt.
If you haven't and are just moaning behind her back, YABVU.

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