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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to buy my elderly neighbour wine and cigarettes

198 replies

gta · 22/04/2017 07:21

She's 76
She has emphysema and a condition which makes her discs in her back crumble away basically
Her only son died last year of a rare cancer and since then she's asked me to get her 40 cigarettes and 2 bottles of wine daily
At first I refused until she told me she's 100% definitely going to die of her conditions and she just wants to enjoy her life and if I didn't go to the shop for her she'd walk herself and end up being in immense pain and breathless on her nebuliser for the rest of the afternoon!
My partner thinks I shouldn't be aiding her , but I felt so bad watching her hobble to the shops I thought if she's gonna do it anyway , I might as well make it as easy as I can for her so aibu???

OP posts:

goose1964 · 24/04/2017 10:46

I'd guess the wine interacts with her pain meds so she gets higher and makes the painkilling stronger she could be putting her life in danger, but she may feel that it's worth the risk.

Fortnum · 24/04/2017 11:05

Let her have her pleasure

This is worth a listen

Doug helped his mum die years ago. "Theres time to be dainty and theres time to be a pig"

Scottishchick39 · 24/04/2017 11:11

You buy 2 bottles of wine daily while doing the school run? I'd be scared of getting reported to social services, or at the very least that the shop keeper thought they were for me.

TheNiffler · 24/04/2017 11:23

I'm not sure about this. On one hand, she's obviously made her choice, and as an adult she is entitled to do so. But drawing the OP in, and laying herbopen to awful amounts of guilt when she dies is not on. So on that basis, I wouldn't do it.

But having said that, when XH's grandfather was dying of cancer I did used to smuggle him in whisky and cigarettes, because he was 96 and didn't have long to live. I really disagreed with them not allowing him to indulge in two of his greatest pleasures, at a time in his life when he really didn't have much else to look forward to. It wasn't shortening his life, it was making what time he had left more pleasurable. I do t think you can apply that reasoning to the lady the OP is concerned about.

TheNiffler · 24/04/2017 11:24

I DON'T think you can apply. FFS bloody autocorrect.

UnbornMortificado · 24/04/2017 11:44

Has she carers in?

Only asking as she may have a few people supplying her, I'm allowed to buy tobacco and alcohol for clients at my discretion (not saying that's right or wrong it's just my guidelines) but that amount of wine I would have to report to a coordinator.

Nothing to do with my personal opinion on the matter just if there was a fire or overdose with the alcohol mixing with the drugs it could come back on me.

Sallystyle · 24/04/2017 12:08

I don't actually agree with prolonging life at all costs. I just don't agree with helping to contribute towards what will likely be an awful lead up to death.

I think while the OP is coming from a place of kindness, I don't think it's particularly kind to help put someone at risk of falls, accidents, enable their addiction and provide cigarettes which will make her condition even worse. I am sure the lady will carry on if the OP helps her or not but I don't agree personally with helping to put someone else at more risk because they are going to do it anyway.

She isn't going to die happy because her neighbour is providing her with ciggies and booze and I don't think it is giving her pleasure. She is an addict. The cigarettes will make her feel awful, there isn't any real pleasure in that.

She knows what she's doing. She knows the risks she's running and what the hell gives any one else the right to think they know what's "best" for her?

It's not about knowing what is best for her. Although we can all agree that in an ideal world the woman not getting drunk and being at risk of falls is better for her. It's about not wanting to have it on your conscience if and when she has a bad accident due to being drunk on the alcohol you provided her.

StoatofDisarray · 24/04/2017 12:32

Do it. Poor woman! What's left of her life is still her own to make decisions about. It's not like she's unaware of the consequences. You're doing a kind thing.

BillSykesDog · 24/04/2017 12:41

She has emphysema. The lead up to her death is going to be awful no matter how far away it is.

iloveeverykindofcat · 24/04/2017 13:34

The point about fire risk to neighbours has actually changed my mind on the cigarette thing. I believe adults have the right to harm themselves, but not to put others at such risk. OP, I would buy her the alcohol.

SoapyTitWank · 24/04/2017 13:39

Are people really thinking this through here?
It's not about prolonging her life or making her be healthy it's more about keeping her SAFE. It's not just a few drinks here!
OP if you care about this lady then please please think of the effects that two bottles of wine will have on someone who isn't very mobile and lives alone.
She will fall, she WILL hurt herself, and, in my (vast) experience she WILL WET HERSELF. OP, unless you will also be on hand to help clean her up, make sure she isn't sat in it all day / night etc then DONT help her get that drunk buy buying it for her.
This is NOT a case of ah let her have a few glasses, it's her only pleasure!
Would you buy a dying self harmer razor blades to help her cut herself - if it was her only pleasure?
And don't start me on the smoking thing!
COPD is a horrible death for those who won't give up smoking, it can be controlled for many years with medication (30yrs for a gp of mine).

BlueChairs · 24/04/2017 15:32

If she's going anyway I'd do it - I couldn't watch her struggle there

Iamastonished · 24/04/2017 15:33

"Are people really thinking this through here?"

I don't think they are. An awful lot of posters are underestimating the fire risk of a drunk smoker.

SoapyTitWank · 24/04/2017 15:41

Who probably has oxygen tanks in her house, that is if her COPD is that bad

specialsubject · 24/04/2017 16:17

I hope the forced life anti assisted dying people read this. Alcoholism is a nasty way to go, burned to death even worse.

Sallystyle · 24/04/2017 19:22

it's not about prolonging her life or making her be healthy it's more about keeping her SAFE. It's not just a few drinks here!
OP if you care about this lady then please please think of the effects that two bottles of wine will have on someone who isn't very mobile and lives alone.
She will fall, she WILL hurt herself,

Yep.

UnbornMortificado · 24/04/2017 19:30

Is she your next door neighbour OP?

Just what a PP said, I think oxygen is a fire risk opposed to an explosion (not 100% on that mind) but christ imagine if it spread and put your DC at risk.

FatherJemimaRacktool · 24/04/2017 19:33

My mum's cleaner bought her fags after mum was diagnosed with stage 4 COPD. She was on oxygen and for the brief time she lived after that, I was in constant fear that she was going to burn to death because she kept 'forgetting' that oxygen and fire don't mix and would do things like light her fag at the gas hob with her oxygen tube hanging round her neck pumping out oxygen. DP thinks she only did this stuff when I was around to see, so I would move in with her (she wasn't prepared to move house) - this is very likely, but didn't stop me worrying pretty much all the time I was awake. I'm still really pissed off with the cleaner.

Mollyiscoddled · 24/04/2017 19:39

There are so many NDNs that cause trouble because of the boundary, the fence, the parking space, the dog, and so on.

I think people should just do it for people who are so dependent on others.

But then again I suppose we give Billions to Third World Aid, so we don't actually have to do anything next door. So sad.

PeaFaceMcgee · 24/04/2017 20:58

Alcoholism is a bloody awful way to die, let alone the fags & emphysema. Anyone saying it'll give her pleasure in her last few years doesn't have a fucking clue.

Try the following, for instance: legs giving way (falling over), vomiting blood, pooing blood, belly swelling up with fluid, turning yellow, awful tummy pain, personality changes and mental confusion.

I wouldn't want to assist in achieving that.

WankingMonkey · 24/04/2017 21:34

I would. Not up to me what another adult choses to do, and if this makes her even a little bit happier/more comfortable than wheres the harm.

My mother has already made me promise that if she ends up in a home when older I will bring her cigarettes and malibu every week She works in a home currently so i think it plays on her mind a lot...

WankingMonkey · 24/04/2017 21:36

I don't think they are. An awful lot of posters are underestimating the fire risk of a drunk smoker.

She is doing it herself anyway though. Its not like she wouldn't have access to alcohol/fags without the OP.

HmmOkay · 24/04/2017 23:22

But it isn't a simple equation of OP Providing Booze + Fags = Lovely Swift Death, is it?

Her neighbour might not die of COPD at all.

Because of the alcohol and cigarettes the neighbour is more likely to have a heart attack, cancer, stroke or other health crisis. That would likely to lead to medical intervention which would, ironically, keep her alive. So she ends up in a care home for years with a severely diminished quality of life and little capacity to object to it.

The OP could unwittingly prolong her neighbour's life rather than shorten it.

The outcome of providing cigarettes and alcohol is nowhere near the guaranteed quick death that some people think it is. Be lovely if it were but that is not the reality.

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