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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my elderly neighbour wine and cigarettes

198 replies

gta · 22/04/2017 07:21

She's 76
She has emphysema and a condition which makes her discs in her back crumble away basically
Her only son died last year of a rare cancer and since then she's asked me to get her 40 cigarettes and 2 bottles of wine daily
At first I refused until she told me she's 100% definitely going to die of her conditions and she just wants to enjoy her life and if I didn't go to the shop for her she'd walk herself and end up being in immense pain and breathless on her nebuliser for the rest of the afternoon!
My partner thinks I shouldn't be aiding her , but I felt so bad watching her hobble to the shops I thought if she's gonna do it anyway , I might as well make it as easy as I can for her so aibu???

OP posts:
Greggers2017 · 22/04/2017 10:46

She's not upping the amount she drinks which she will have too to get drink As her body gets tolerant. Staying the same means she's dependent on it not a full blown alcoholic.

intheknickersoftime · 22/04/2017 10:49

Of course she's an alcoholic.

QueSera · 22/04/2017 10:50

You are a lovely neighbour - she's a grown woman who can decide to partake of two perfectly legal pleasures - keep doing what you're doing! I hope i have such a kind neighbour if i were ever in her situation

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 10:50

greggers where do you get that from?

Unless she's drinking more every day she's not an alcoholic?

That's not my understanding from consultants at hospital, alanon, gp, and other various addiction support charities.

Ihaveabloodyheadache · 22/04/2017 10:56

There's a few ways this can go wrong whatever you decide I think OP, if you continue to do as the lady asks, and as pp have highlighted, she has a fall, because she has been drinking or causes a fire smoking, then would you feel responsible?

On the other hand should you refuse to get them and she struggles to the shop herself and falls/becomes ill because of that, then would you feel responsible?
I think maybe you're in a bit of a no win situation here, you're essentially doing a neighbour - an adult neighbour, a favour. You're invested but not to the point where it's down to you to take responsibility for stopping her smoking and drinking. I feel for you OP, it's a tricky situation. I used to work in a care home, ultimately if a client smoked, the smokers among us used to take them for a cigarette - unless we were instructed not to do so, or their condition reached a point where it was unsafe even with help. We also used to give someone a glass of wine or a few beers should they ask because it was their life and their choice, unless of course it interfered with the meds we administered, in which case we held the responsibility for that. If the client administered their own meds, and had their own alcohol we weren't allowed to take it away unless there was other protocols in place. Ultimately it was their choice to make, and people are allowed to make their own choices - even if they're not particularly productive.
I don't think you're being U, I think you're being a kind person, but maybe feel conflicted about it.

Greggers2017 · 22/04/2017 10:56

I get it from my partner who is an alcohol and drugs counseller. I never said every day did I. I meant over time. She's definitely dependent on it but her levels of alcoholism aren't full blown alcoholic.
Her body will also be very tolerant.
My sister also used to drink two bottles a night. She was diagnosed as dependent not an alcoholic. She thankfully managed to cut down before she became a full blown alcoholic.

Greggers2017 · 22/04/2017 10:57

People have a very limited understanding between the two.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 11:00

Well, that conflicts with all the medical advice I have heard. And I've heard a lot.

Even looking at the Wikipedia dentition she meets the criteria for having alcoholism. And the dictionary definition.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 11:02

I have a very clear understanding between the two.

My father is alcohol dependent. Another close relation was an alcoholic. I understand the difference.

Someone who is getting a neighbour to go for booze every day to the level of 10 times the recommended limit and is guilt tripping to the extent this neighbour is - I'd bet my life they're an alcoholic.

Yellowcups · 22/04/2017 11:06

It seems a lot but who are we to judge. So she enjoys the next year of her life or lives for another 2/3 years in misery? I know what I'd choose.

Can you buy her stuff in bulk though, I'd be treating it as a chore doing it daily.

upperlimit · 22/04/2017 11:09

People are saying alcoholic here, like it makes a difference. So what? Is there any benefit to sobering up when you are on the way out? To what end?

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 11:09

Alcohol dependence is merely a different term for alcoholism

The terminology was changed in DSM-5

"DSM–5 integrates the two DSM–IV disorders, alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence, into a single disorder
called alcohol use disorder (AUD) with mild, moderate, and severe sub-classifications"

Here's a link alcohol abuse

But not sure why it matters. A 76 year old drinking this much is damaging their health

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 11:10

I don't think it matters. She's is drinking 10 times the recommended limits. How anyone can collude with that is beyond me.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 11:22

Greggers

Do you think the lady in question should cut down, like your sister, or is it OK for the OP to help her to drink like this? Because you seem to be a bit muddled in your thinking on this

WatchHowISoar · 22/04/2017 11:28

It's your choice op but the fact you are asking suggests you aren't that comfortable doing it. I wouldn't be daily either, I would happily get them with my weekly shop though.

leghoul · 22/04/2017 11:39

14 times limits and that's what you know about - usually it's more than you are told about

Iamastonished · 22/04/2017 11:39

"Can you buy her stuff in bulk though"

I'm not sure that is a good idea. Many posters including me have mentioned the fire risk on this thread. If I thought a neighbour of mine was at risk of setting her house on fire I certainly wouldn't be enabling her.

Medeci · 22/04/2017 11:40

I think you mean to be kind but I wouldn't do this.
Would feel responsible if there was a fire caused by her getting drunk while smoking, or falling over and hurting herself.
People with emphysema often have oxygen at home which is another risk. A relative burnt his face badly when he smoked while having oxygen via nasal cannula, he was drunk at the time and forgot about the oxygen. He got off lightly it would've been a lot worse if the tank had exploded.

Gabilan · 22/04/2017 14:14

If a person really wants to kill themselves there are quicker ways to go…dying of lung disease/liver disease is painful and prolonged

Exactly. She's not trying to kill herself quickly. She's doing it slowly. And she's not choosing wine and cigarettes, she's compelled. She's not going out in a lovely, slightly befuddled fog of alcohol and pipe smoke. Alcoholism robs you of who you are and it is a painful, drawn out death.

Sorry OP. It is a very difficult situation. If it were me I'd be inclined not to. The idea that she'll get it elsewhere doesn't cut it for me but you refusing won't cure her either. Go with your instinct.

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 14:19

It's really unfair of her. And when she's found dead and yellow in a pool of her own bloody faeces are you sure you won't feel guilty?

Reow · 22/04/2017 14:29

Don't know if you can buy fags on an online shop, but could you perhaps set up an online account and weekly delivery order from Tesco for her using her bank details if she was agreeable?

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/04/2017 14:31

How does her shopping come normally? Food, toiletries etc?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 22/04/2017 14:37

I would definitely do it. She's not a child so she doesn't need to be rationed or told it's not healthy etc. If you have no problem with actually going to the shop for her then I would buy her whatever it was she asked for

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 14:41

PeaFace

Another neighbour, who is not willing to buy booze and fags. OP mentions it

blue25 · 22/04/2017 14:43

I wouldn't do it. I feel extremely uncomfortable that someone is enabling this woman to do this to herself. You don't know the truth about her condition & prognosis. As others have mentioned, she is an addict and will say whatever it takes to make you feel sorry for her. Yes take her essential shopping with treats etc. but this goes way too far.

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