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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my elderly neighbour wine and cigarettes

198 replies

gta · 22/04/2017 07:21

She's 76
She has emphysema and a condition which makes her discs in her back crumble away basically
Her only son died last year of a rare cancer and since then she's asked me to get her 40 cigarettes and 2 bottles of wine daily
At first I refused until she told me she's 100% definitely going to die of her conditions and she just wants to enjoy her life and if I didn't go to the shop for her she'd walk herself and end up being in immense pain and breathless on her nebuliser for the rest of the afternoon!
My partner thinks I shouldn't be aiding her , but I felt so bad watching her hobble to the shops I thought if she's gonna do it anyway , I might as well make it as easy as I can for her so aibu???

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 22/04/2017 09:33

No i wouldn't. For starters walking is actually doing her good. If you went for her the chances are she would hardly walk at all, which would lead to muscle weakness and increase her likelihood of falls. The alcohol is also increasing her risk of falls and hence hip fractures etc. Does she have an alarm to press if she falls? Does she have that alarm on her all the time? I would also be very concerned about the fire risk. Does she smoke in bed? If so does she have a fireproof blanket? Is she on home oxygen? If so that's a huge risk. Does she have working smoke alarms? Personally I would be encouraging her walking and ensure the fire service has given her a home visit. If I lived next door to her I could not sleep at night due to the fire risk. I hope she's in a detached!

dangermouseisace · 22/04/2017 09:35

gta people are allowed to make their own choices, even bad choices. I suspect that if you didn't get her the wine and cigs she'd find another way. I've known people get the local shop to deliver it to them! However, it's your choice whether you do this for her or not. Would you feel comfortable getting what are large amounts of cigarettes and alcohol for her or would it be preying on your conscience?

COPD is a horrible drawn out way to go. If people stop smoking they can improve their symptoms/reduce the risk or rate of further decline. I'd ask her if she'd talk to the stop smoking service as they usually provide nicotine 'stuff' so she'd not have to go through the withdrawal. And ask her if she's spoken to anyone about her alcohol consumption. If a person really wants to kill themselves there are quicker ways to go…dying of lung disease/liver disease is painful and prolonged.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:36

Hairy

I agree

Alcohol dependence also increases the risk of dementia and stroke. It increases the risk of vitamin deficiences, and dehydration and malnutrition, which can result in an acute confusional state.

This woman would not go gently

Asmoto · 22/04/2017 09:39

usernumbernine If she is regularly drinking two bottles of wine a day, she'll have built up a tolerance and won't be in a drunken stupor.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:41

Asmoto

But see my post above

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:41

When she falls asleep on two bottles of wine she will be out cold. And almost impossible to rouse.

Plus, if she has someone else doing her shopping and the op going for fags and booze I'll bet a pound to a penny someone else is also getting her booze and fags and it's more than just two bottles. One thing all alcoholics do is minimise their consumption.

CecilyP · 22/04/2017 09:41

No, her choice is to manipulate OP into buying these things for her by making OP feel guilty. OP is also an adult who has the choice not to do it but is finding it hard to refuse because of the guilt she is being made to feel. OP is obviously not happy about it or she would not be posting here.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:42

Also, have a look here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wernicke%E2%80%93Korsakoff_syndrome

SoupDragon · 22/04/2017 09:46

The bottom line is that she wants to die as quickly as possible.

So then I think it boils down to everyone's conscience whether they help her to do that. No way I'd do it for a neighbour - I might for someone else that I loved deeply.

I think to the extent of simply buying cigarettes and alcohol I could. I certainly wouldn't buy her large quantities of sleeping tablets or pain killers or anything more direct though.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:47

x-post with NotYoda I've seen Wernicke Korsakoff at close quarters. it's not nice.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:49

usernumbernine

I have PMd you

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:49

X post!!!

Orangebird69 · 22/04/2017 10:00

Yanbu. My aunty died at 33 of cancer. Started with ovarian but even with a hysterectomy and chemo, it still went secondary to her breast and lungs. When she knew she was terminal, she started smoking again. And why the fuck not. Life is way too short. Even at 76. You're a good neighbour. If I end up like your neighbour, I hope someone like you lives next to me.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 10:01

But this isn't cancer.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 10:03

SoupDragon

I was thinking more widely about the idea of helping a loved one. Not this particular situation (but I didn't make it clear at all)

I would not in this situation, with anyone

Orangebird69 · 22/04/2017 10:05

Would it make a difference if it was usernumbernine?

Hulder · 22/04/2017 10:07

This isn't cancer. It's a totally different situation.

Bringing someone a few fags and a couple of glasses of wine a day - fine.

2 bottles and 40 cigs when they can actually walk to the shop - no.

76 isn't very old and the world isn't awash with 76 yr olds suddenly thinking "Gosh, I'm a great age now and approaching death so I can smoke and drink all I like". Most 76 yr olds behave the way they always have done - if they have had healthy habits they carry on, if they've been alcoholics, they carry on doing that and manipulate someone into supplying them.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 10:08

Yes because terminal cancer there's an expectation of how long the person has left. This woman could go on for years.

Terminal cancer with say 6 months to a year is different to emphysema with no idea how long.

But I wouldn't do it anyway, for the reasons I've stated. If the person was in a hospice or at home being nursed one or two drinks and an odd fag - yes I'd do that. But two bottles of wine a day and 40 fags is in a different league.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 10:08

I think the poeple who think 76 is old must be a lot younger than me.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 10:09

Plus. The op has no idea how that amount of booze will be interacting with any pain relief the lady has. Or any other medication - for e.g. The lady might be on anti depressants where alcohol is contra indicated.

Greggers2017 · 22/04/2017 10:22

Two bottles of wine a day doesn't make her an alcoholic. Maybe alcohol dependent yes. People who drink regularly have higher alcohol tolerance levels so it's doubtful she will be drunk on it to the point she's falling over, in a stupor etc.
The fags are a worry maybe but it sounds as if the damage is already done. I understand the worry of setting herself alight. My grandpa used to fall asleep whilst smoking in his later years.
But at the end of the day it is her life and her choice. The OP is in a difficult situation as she is in a position where she can buy it or the neighbour will find a way to get it anyway.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 10:24

If she needs to drink two bottles of wine a day every day then she's an alcoholic.

That's 20 units a day or 140 units a week. Ten times the guidelines which are 14 units a week for a woman.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/04/2017 10:26

Personally I'd feel too guilty about buying her that quantity. A quarter of that, no problem.

intheknickersoftime · 22/04/2017 10:33

If you're at all conflicted OP don't do it. I wouldn't. My parents are that age. My Dad is quite healthy but i worry about how much he drinks. My mum has a heart condition and fell twice last year, one fall resulted in a severe injury to her abdomen, the other a broken wrist. I'm sure she was drunk. You don't know enough about her medical condition to say that she has a terminal illness. If anyone was enabling my parents in that way I'd hit the roof.

Sallystyle · 22/04/2017 10:33

I wouldn't do it.

I look after people with COPD often and they can live like that for a long while and it's awful. She does know her own mind, but I wouldn't want anything to do with helping her in that regard.

I wouldn't enable her. If she was palliative and definitely only had a few weeks to live I might feel a bit differently. I don't think providing her with wine and fags is helping her enjoy her life.

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