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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my elderly neighbour wine and cigarettes

198 replies

gta · 22/04/2017 07:21

She's 76
She has emphysema and a condition which makes her discs in her back crumble away basically
Her only son died last year of a rare cancer and since then she's asked me to get her 40 cigarettes and 2 bottles of wine daily
At first I refused until she told me she's 100% definitely going to die of her conditions and she just wants to enjoy her life and if I didn't go to the shop for her she'd walk herself and end up being in immense pain and breathless on her nebuliser for the rest of the afternoon!
My partner thinks I shouldn't be aiding her , but I felt so bad watching her hobble to the shops I thought if she's gonna do it anyway , I might as well make it as easy as I can for her so aibu???

OP posts:
NotYoda · 22/04/2017 08:49

someone already shops for her

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 08:49

Doing her the favour is enabling her. She's an addict and the OP is enabling if she continues to get the drink and fags.

And excellent point about oxygen cannisters - oxygen cannisters and smoking is not a good combination indeed!

DorothyHarris · 22/04/2017 08:49

I would do it OP

ladymariner · 22/04/2017 08:50

Wow there are some terribly noble people on here, who also appear to be doctors and social workers!!
Yanbu, op. If I had lost my only son I wouldn't want to be here either, and if alcohol and cigs help to block the pain a bit I'd use them. She's living a bloody nightmare, and her health problems aren't going to get better.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 08:51

I'm not in the least bit noble.

What I am is someone who got their fingers burned by an alcoholic. And I learnt a hard lesson the hard way.

Gabilan · 22/04/2017 08:52

I'd imagine they accommodate smoking if they can, taking into account flammable substances and workplace regs

Be very careful about buying her cigarettes if she has emphysema. Fire & Rescue get called out to a disproportionate number of patients on oxygen who smoke. Sometimes they even install sprinklers above the bed. She may be opting for a slow suicide, but she'll end up with a quick and brutal one if she's got oxygen at home and a tank goes up.

Also, what's all this "oh if I make it to 76...". I know it's elderly but this woman could go on for years even with emphysema. I wouldn't blame you for buying her cigs and wine OP but maybe gently guiding her towards help with her addictions might be better. Disclaimer: my dad is a 75 year old alcoholic. If I thought the neighbours were enabling his addiction, I wouldn't be thanking them.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 08:53

lady

Maybe some people on her are or have been social workers, doctors, mental health workers, people who have been or had relative s who are alcoholics....

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 08:53

40 cigarettes is basically chain smoking. It's not an odd wee puff.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 08:55

lady

or firefighters

Imagine that! A thread where people are answering from their own perspectives, based on what they've experienced in life . Sod noble

HmmOkay · 22/04/2017 08:57

I wouldn't buy them, no. Would help out in other ways if I could.

I'd be really concerned about her dying in a house fire. Which of course puts neighbours at risk also. Or that amount of alcohol reacting very badly with her medication and her dying because of it. And of course she could have a house fire or a reaction to medication and survive it and end up in hospital for months.

I would not want to be part of that at all.

User2468 · 22/04/2017 09:06

Get her online and show her how to use Ocado?

Also, I really like the idea of taking up smoking again if I'm still here at 90, just a shame they're doing away with menthols!

SoupDragon · 22/04/2017 09:06

The bottom line is that she wants to die as quickly as possible.

leghoul · 22/04/2017 09:07

The first and best thing you can do with COPD is to stop smoking! She's making herself worse and worse with that intake. Yes she'll die eventually but she's certainly hastening the process. It also would sound to me like she is in chronic pain, probably depressed and also not eating properly, if at all. She needs some more support than just going to the shop for her. 40/day is a huge amount and 2 bottles of wine is too, daily. I'd probably get it for her sometimes but also get her food and suggest she contact her GP about pain or problems sleeping

leghoul · 22/04/2017 09:09

really good point about oxygen at home - some consultants (not all, but a sizeable proportion) refuse long term oxygen therapy if patients still smoke

Asmoto · 22/04/2017 09:09

You are a lovely, caring neighbour, OP. If you are willing to take the trouble, then buy your neighbour what she wants - it's for her to judge what she feels will make her final years more tolerable.

I agree with PPs that the fire risk is really the biggest concern. You could talk to your neighbour about fire safety and help her (if she hasn't already thought of this) with some precautions - smoke alarm, fire blanket and extinguisher, sand bucket within easy reach of where she normally bases herself.

leghoul · 22/04/2017 09:10

Also 76 is quite young. I see people in their late 80s and sometimes 90s with COPD. She sounds very low.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:12

If she's drinking that amount of wine a day, no amount of fire blankets fire extinguishers or smoke alarms will be of any use to her whatsoever. She will be in an alcohol induced stupor (esp so if she has pain killers too) and she won't waken if there's a fire.

Pikmin · 22/04/2017 09:13

My mum is in her 70's. My sister delivers her shopping once a week including a half of whiskey. She is an awful lot better than she was a couple of years ago when she could get to the shop to buy one every day. If a neighbour got her more it would not be a good thing.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:14

SoupDragon

You are right. So then I think it boils down to everyone's conscience whether they help her to do that. No way I'd do it for a neighbour - I might for someone else that I loved deeply.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:20

I wouldn't even do it for someone I loved deeply. Been there done that tried that.

I would have to walk away it would break me but I couldn't do it.

Alcoholics and any type of addict are the most manipulative of people. They will tell you the grass is purple if they think it will get them what they want. They will lie about absolutely everything and anything to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do (get drink/drugs/fags/pick them up/bring them back/sit with them/whatever)

I would walk away for the sake of my own mental health. I expect the neighbours and those who don't know the truth would judge me - I know they did when I did it before and learned my lesson, but I can't change that. It's really hard to walk away and it comes with a ton of guilt but it's sometimes the only option the person who has been helping is left with.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:23

user

I'm s sorry. I don't even know that I could, in reality. But yes, not in those circumstances - an alcoholic. I was thinking of different circumstances

summerlovinggirl · 22/04/2017 09:25

YANBU. I would do it for her. It's probably one of her only pleasures left. She's an adult - she can make her own choices.

usernumbernine · 22/04/2017 09:28

NotYoda I've long made my peace with the decision I made (does that make me sound like a wanker?) and it doesn't bother me what other people think - a few people know the truth - ironically those who also tried to help, including one person who came after me and only saw the truth of it when they were going in every day to help.

It's the saddest thing to walk away, but when does helping become enabling? And when does what you're doing become the wrong thing to do?

This isn't some ordinary elderly lady who can't walk wanting someone to bring her a sticky bun and a jar of coffee from the shop on their way past. It's an alcoholic who is manipulating the OP to enable her addiction and get drink and fags. And that, to me, makes a massive difference.

This old lady isn't terminally ill, not from what the OP says, and she CAN get to the shop, she has just guilted the OP into doing it for her. Selfish is the marker of an alcoholic, they don't care how many people they have jumping how high, as long as they get booze. And fags in this case.

Good luck op, I hope you can do whatever you feel is the right thing.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/04/2017 09:31

I would. She has very little quality of life and is living in pain.
'What if she dies'. Yes she will, we all die one day. Its totally natural. Trying to extend life when there is a poor quality of life makes no sense whatsoever.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 09:32

usernumbernine

I totally agree.

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