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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my elderly neighbour wine and cigarettes

198 replies

gta · 22/04/2017 07:21

She's 76
She has emphysema and a condition which makes her discs in her back crumble away basically
Her only son died last year of a rare cancer and since then she's asked me to get her 40 cigarettes and 2 bottles of wine daily
At first I refused until she told me she's 100% definitely going to die of her conditions and she just wants to enjoy her life and if I didn't go to the shop for her she'd walk herself and end up being in immense pain and breathless on her nebuliser for the rest of the afternoon!
My partner thinks I shouldn't be aiding her , but I felt so bad watching her hobble to the shops I thought if she's gonna do it anyway , I might as well make it as easy as I can for her so aibu???

OP posts:
scatjack40 · 23/04/2017 17:57

Actually, the OP said their neighbour has emphysema, SoapyTitWank, that can be completely unrelated to 'cigs' and can be due to an enzyme deficiency, which is genetic. Regardless of that, how nice that so many posters are without vice themselves and so certain that this lady, who has already lost so much, should be forced to sit and suffer for a couple of years more life. I sincerely hope I'm never in a position where a load of holier than thou women are wondering whether Social Services has been informed about me, for my own good, of course. I don't smoke or drink btw.

SoapyTitWank · 23/04/2017 18:03

Scat, emphysema is COPD and at 40 cigs a day I doubt it's the genetic form, majority get it due to smoking I'm afraid. Enabling won't lead to a nice short life dying happy, more likely an uncomfortable painful last few years being dragged in and out of hospital enduring hip ops and interventions due to falls. I have very recent history of this. This lady needs company. Alcohol won't help her live her last days happy - quite the opposite in my experience.

NotYoda · 23/04/2017 18:03

yes, entirely unrelated. Cigarettes will really help...

SoapyTitWank · 23/04/2017 18:06

Example ......
Relative getting so drunk (due to neighbour buying booze) that he fell over walking into kitchen and smashed his head through glass oven door, messy, really messy. Led to a 3 month hospital stay which he hated, he wanted to be at home.

intheknickersoftime · 23/04/2017 18:06

Everything that Soapy said.

Mrsmadevans · 23/04/2017 18:11

I think she hasn't got much to live for except her booze and fags , she's totally wrecked health wise and she probably wishes she were dead. At least this way she will die doing what she wants , YADNBU to help her OP. I understand your hesitation but I think you are being compassionate, just like the nurses in the article I have given you the link to. Well done OP
metro.co.uk/2017/04/11/dying-man-granted-final-wish-by-hospital-a-cigarette-and-a-glass-of-wine-6568096/

Flyinggeese · 23/04/2017 18:12

Hi OP, I wouldn't do this. I'd want no part of it. Besides, your neighbour could use internet shopping if necessary.

intheknickersoftime · 23/04/2017 18:14

I think there is a great deal of difference to getting smashed every day on two bottles of wine at least and smoking forty cigs a day than someone who is actually palliative. She's not. She will die horribly this way. I really really feel quite angry at previous posters who refer to others who disagree with this as patronising do gooders. She needs help with her grief and company. Is this the best we can do for people who are grieving in this way?

Xanadu44 · 23/04/2017 18:26

I can't lie, I'd just do it for her. Give her some pleasure in her dying days. Or set up with her a weekly online delivery so she can pay for the items herself but get them delivered from Tescos or a wine club or something? Then you can't feel as guilty.

Rabblemum · 23/04/2017 18:26

I'm anti booze and fags but this lady is 76, she wants to go drinking and smoking that's up to her. She's probably not going to get any better so she may as well die happy. If this was a young parent I'd say no as they have people who depend on them, teens ask me to buy booze and fags and that answer is no.

NotYoda · 23/04/2017 18:27

intheknickersoftime

I agree. There's an acceptance that someone in her position is totally rational in her decision-making. repeated re-iteration of her age, as if it's an inevitability that she's too old to be helped to have a better life.

1nsanityscatching · 23/04/2017 18:46

My grandma was an alcoholic and a chain smoker from being a teen. At seventy six she collapsed at home and was transferred to a nursing home from hospital to "see out her days" as it was believed she would quickly pass. She died aged 88, still smoking (20 a day) and drinking although not to the extent she had done but everyone who visited took her cigarettes and the nursing home kept the whisky to give her a couple of drinks a day. They were her pleasures and it seemed pretty pointless to deprive her of them tbh.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/04/2017 18:55

I would.

SoapyTitWank · 23/04/2017 18:56

A couple of drinks a day in a nursing home setting with help at hand and low risk of falls is a completely different scenario to two bottles on own alone in her own house. These people don't die happy, ahh let them be, it's their last days blah blah what the hell kind of mad talk is that? Confused

Areyoulocal · 23/04/2017 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gabilan · 23/04/2017 19:43

Regardless of that, how nice that so many posters are without vice themselves and so certain that this lady, who has already lost so much, should be forced to sit and suffer for a couple of years more life. I sincerely hope I'm never in a position where a load of holier than thou women are wondering whether Social Services has been informed about me, for my own good, of course

I know full well that I have many faults. The people urging caution aren't spurning the idea of fags and booze or saying we should all eat muesli and 10 servings of veggies a day so that we live to be 100.

The reality of 40 cigarettes a day and 2 bottles of wine is not drifting off to sleep peacefully in a smoky alcoholic fog. I've seen someone try to commit suicide by alcohol. It's incredibly drawn out and brutal, not just for him but for everyone around him.

Clearly this woman needs help and support but I'm really not sure that means feeding her addictions. I used to call handle for an out-of-hours GP service. When we weren't busy, I spent hours just talking to some very lonely old people. I told one of our district nurses about this - she said most of the time a chat was the best medicine for them. She also said she had patients who would loosen a bandage so the DN would have to come back and rebandage it, just so they had someone to talk to.

The OP's in a really difficult position but frankly, would a chat with social services be so bad?

GabsAlot · 23/04/2017 19:46

u can have emphysema for years-yes shes dying but maybe not yet

up to you dont know if i could do it and see someone get wors and worse

smilingontheinside · 23/04/2017 20:47

I have a relation that was diagnosed with emphysema about 20 years ago and is still going (&still smoking) he's in his mid 60's and could be going for years. He also likes a drink, few pints a night, and says he has nothing to live for so will continue drinking/smoking. Not my place to tell him how to live his life but he thought he only had a few years left on diagnosis!! Don't know the right answer as i don't think 76 is all that old these days!

Elphame · 23/04/2017 20:56

She knows what she's doing. She knows the risks she's running and what the hell gives any one else the right to think they know what's "best" for her?

So she is probably an alcoholic. She may be lying about her consumption but it's her choice.

I'd do it.

hareagain · 23/04/2017 22:33

YABU. You are enabling an horrendously sad situation to continue. Will you be able to live with yourself when she is found dead from a seizure due to alcohol withdrawal when you tire of this situation or go on holiday?

Casschops · 23/04/2017 23:25

People who say OP is enabling this woman a feel are being harsh. The woman is an adult for goodness sake and as such has the capacity to make her own decisions for better or worse. We should assume she has the capacity to make her own decisions and respect them. I'd by them for her, people's wishes should be respected

Deejoda · 23/04/2017 23:32

We are all dying. As PPs have said, dying from Alcoholic liver disease or emphysema are slow horrible deaths and I would not want to provide the poison. I have seen patients die this way...wouldn't wish it on anyone. Particularly the cigarettes as the risk to neighbours from a fire is real. Let her walk to the shops if she must.

Yes I am a do gooder. Bite me!

Ticketybootoo · 23/04/2017 23:48

I am an ex nurse and maybe shouldn't say but we live and die once in my view and if that's how she wishes to live then you are not doing harm as she has basic rights . In my life I have taken lung cancer patients out for a fag and while I stand to be condemned we had a good chat and it was their wishes . As a patient advocate I had to respect those .
There are a few concerns however for her safety while slightly inebriated and it's a lot of responsibility for you . It would be best if you had any rels of hers to discuss this with . Good Luck - you are being very caring 💐

hareagain · 24/04/2017 00:08

If she has the capacity then she can figure out how to obtain the alcohol by herself.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 24/04/2017 09:49

To be honest I don't know if I could, mostly because I'm not at the shops everyday. I don't agree though, with the posters saying she should be trying to be healthy and pro longing her life, why? Why prolong a life that is going to be a hard uphill struggle only to end up at deaths door, we uthanise animals and bluntly I was able to decide if I wanted to let my daughter rest when it looked like there was no hope of her getting what she needed (she is ok now) why is it any different for this lady who knows she is going to die, unfortunately for her she doesn't k ow when or how much harder it will get, I'd probably live my last few years doing whatever I wanted and if that meant drugs and alcohol then so be it. No one should be forced to live as long as they can when they know death is unavoidable.