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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 10:51

He's not joking because he didn't accept it when your daughter objected. Nip this shit in the bud, iit only gets worse otherwise.

user1491572121 · 21/04/2017 10:52

If my husband had said that I'd have pulled the chair out from under his arse.

My friend's are very "cool" and arty but I have noticed he always sits at the "head" of the table.

Winds me right up. I once asked him to cut up a roast chicken at a very informal meal....I was in the kitchen prepping and he happened to walk in...my own DH was in the garden...and he WENT AND ASKED DH IF IT WAS OK!!!!

Wtf?

"Is it ok if I cut the chicken up?"

As though only "the man of the house can carve"

Weirdo. I should add, I like him very much but this strangeness irritates me.

kingfisherblue33 · 21/04/2017 10:53

Lol. Say the 1800s have called and would like his attitude back.

That would have enraged me. What an arse.

And yy to this: And seriously, make sure your dcs understand absolutely that you both run the house and family equally and their dad was very silly to forget that.

Though sounds like your dd knows that anyway!!

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 10:53

The update doesn't surprise me. You wouldn't have started the thread if it really was a genuine joke in a context of equal partnership.

Sort it all out now. This kind of man doesn't get more egalitarian and respectful as he ages.

kingfisherblue33 · 21/04/2017 10:53

I just feel like he opts in and out of the "household" as suits him. For instance, if he's here in the evenings, it would never occur to him to start the process of getting the kids to bed.

So why don't you ask/tell him to pitch in and actually parent??

SecretNutellaFix · 21/04/2017 10:54

Head of the household, huh?

I'd show him exactly who runs the household- it isn't him. Start charging per hour for everything you do, he'll soon change his mind.

BlindAssassin1 · 21/04/2017 10:55

He might be the head but he certainly doesn't have the brains, Hmm Your DC however, seemed pretty switched on.

GloriaGilbert · 21/04/2017 10:57

Winds me right up. I once asked him to cut up a roast chicken at a very informal meal....I was in the kitchen prepping and he happened to walk in...my own DH was in the garden...and he WENT AND ASKED DH IF IT WAS OK!!!!

That's hilarious!

I'd have had to ask him if it was OK if his wife had more wine/chicken/etc during lunch.

'Another glass of wine? Let's run it past your husband first.'

alltouchedout · 21/04/2017 10:59

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating?

YANBU. I'd be more than irritated. And I'd be making sure that I sat in that place as often as he did, and that the dc sat there as often as either of us; if he made a fuss about that I would a) laugh at him and b) let him know, in no uncertain terms, what a dick he was being and how that sort of thing can poison and destroy a relationship.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 11:00

Yorick - In the evenings around bedtimes he is nearly always "working". I have no idea how essential this actually is, but he is very good at giving off a "this is mega important don't bother me" vibe. Or sometimes he'll just decide to start watching Netflix at 8pm.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 11:01

How do you say "quelle surprise" in Greek?

Level75 · 21/04/2017 11:04

I agree with the suggestion that you sit at the 'head' of the table tonight. It sounds like he meant it but also knows it's not entirely acceptable to have said it.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 21/04/2017 11:04

Sounds like this has been going on for a really long time and you've just accepted it. What was he doing when they were little? How are they this age and you're just now wondering why he doesn't do bed times, get uniforms together etc. He's probably got good reason to see himself in this role if you've done everything without complaining until now. In fact would it come as a shock to him that you think he should be taking care of his own children?

I would be sitting at the head of the table for the next meal to make a point, and from then on no one would sit there. Am I correct in thinking it's a family of 4 on a rectangle?

He wasn't joking and he sounds incredibly selfish. I'm so sick of this "DH has a hard job" rubbish. Is he on an offshore oil rig? No? Then stop bloody complaining in between sips of your latte and step up. You make kids and you take care of them. End of.

MimsyBorogroves · 21/04/2017 11:05

DH mentioned this shit once. Mainly because his mum has always been "head" of theirs (again, self professed). I pointed out what a shit, divisive term it was and he hasn't since.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/04/2017 11:06

I'm really liking your DD, Anastasia. Well done that girl! And YANBU for being as irritated as you like, because your DH has clearly time-travelled from about 1957.

akkakk · 21/04/2017 11:09

An easy one to deal with...

Headship is a concept that comes from the New Testament of the Bible - and refers to Men being in Headship over Women - as Jesus Christ was to the Church... (the bit that is usually omitted!) So if you look into Headship as a concept it is about sacrificial love to the point of being crucified for others...

If he is happy to earn his headship to that level... :)

perhaps suggest that in today's world where such sacrificial love is not always required - the alternative might be seen as a more equal balance...?

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 11:09

My pompous father used to do this too. Family of four on a rectangular table. Had to crane your neck to talk to him and it was all just off kilter and irritating for dinner table conversation.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 11:09

So all 3 of them were sat at the "rectangular table" while you were "serving them dinner" ?

Ok.

Sandsnake · 21/04/2017 11:12

Are you married to Captain Von Trapp?

Obviously not OK. That would drive me mad!

BattleaxeGalactica · 21/04/2017 11:14

Of course he meant something by it, OP. YANBU to be pissed off. Many a true word and all that...

PushingThru · 21/04/2017 11:15

Why would some of you laugh at the person who is supposed to love you asserting that he is fundamentally better than you? Is that funny?

Dancergirl · 21/04/2017 11:15

I think you both need to grow up, what a childish squabble.

My dh works full time, I am mainly a SAHM for now, I work very part time. Dh sits at the head of the table, he just does, no particular reason. We all help bring things to and from the table though.

ILookedintheWater · 21/04/2017 11:18

Your OP made me think of the film 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' and then a read further and found out he's of greek tradition.... Hmmm.

'The man, he is the head, but the woman, she is the neck, and the neck can turn the head anyway she wants'. Which apparently works well for comic effect and involves subterfuge and cunning.

Alternatively you could call him on it each and every time and gradually wear it out of him?

BoffinMum · 21/04/2017 11:18

Make sure you sit in that place next time.
Any nonsense and threaten to become a member of the US surrendered wives movement. That will teach him.

www.theguardian.com/world/2001/mar/29/gender.uk1

Oddsocksforeveryone · 21/04/2017 11:19

The baby's high chair goes at the 'head' of our table.

Seems about right.

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