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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family . The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anastasia5 · 24/04/2017 11:21

Yes Orange that's essentially it. He did used to change some nappies to be fair, but he never did any nights because I was bf anyway. My life has got easier as they got older, though their issues evolve with them.

The thing is, I can say where I live and not worry about being recognised because I can think of so many families just off the top of my head in this kind of situation with similar husbands (admittedly probably without the "head of the household" comments).

I think my kids are quite switched on (hopefully) and they'll make their own choices, but all this has made me think about what they might be absorbing, so thankyou.

OP posts:

NoobThebrave · 24/04/2017 12:42

My DH has occassionally made such bluffs and I find the best response is to overplay it, thereby making it appear ridiculous to the DC and really annoying to DH. "What is for tea dearest children?...let us go and ask the head" 😂 I found a really long shopping list that has to be checked and signed by the head particularly annoying to those who may have spoken without thinking 😁 It is tricky as SAHMs do tend to play a more 'traditional' role but it is important that children see it is a team effort rather than roles. .....my DH still suffers from the day he introduced me and managed to say "she doesnt work"😂

Mumoftwoandover · 24/04/2017 13:15

Hahaha I would have said: " so, you are the bread winner and you're not doing more than your obligation"

And laugh out loud :P

morningconstitutional2017 · 24/04/2017 13:24

I was thinking along the same lines as hoffdonga - each time there is a boring chore which he doesn't like to do, say, "As you're the head of the household blah, blah . . ." and anytime he moans, "it's tough at the top, innit?" until he rues the day he ever mentioned it. Who'll get bored first?

Original poster

Anastasia5 · 24/04/2017 13:29

Noob -your post made me laugh.

Over the years I've been introduced with such accolades as, "My beautiful wife who does the real work", "My better half", "The lady of the house" and even had him refer to me as, "The real brains" .
But if he ever dared to come out with, "This is my wife, she doesn't work", I would not be responsible for my actions.

OP posts:

inhortus · 24/04/2017 13:41

I actually don't know how some of you women cope
That could be a thread in itself, "How does your DH introduce you at parties?"

Mamia15 · 24/04/2017 14:43

I think my kids are quite switched on (hopefully) and they'll make their own choices

Yes they will - usually based on what they have learnt growing up, with the boys seeing women as their servants and lesser beings, and the girls to be submissive. Where do you think your H got his attitudes from?

Naicehamshop · 24/04/2017 17:10

Jesus op - "My beautiful wife who does the real work" - what a pile of patronising crap! And as for "The lady of the house", it sounds like something out of the 1950s !

I just can't understand why you are being so passive about this - give yourself a shake, wake up, and think about what YOU really want from this relationship. You say that there are loads of people you know with similar relationships, but think about all the people who actually try to have fair and supportive marriages where both partners contribute equally and who receive equal recognition for what they do. It sounds like your dh picks and chooses the bits of family life that he is happy to be involved with, and and lets you pick up all the slack for the rest.

PoorYorick · 24/04/2017 17:49

"My beautiful wife who does the real work"

I'd find that just as patronising.

Parker231 · 24/04/2017 17:50

I think it's really sad and depressing that women still live like this - doesn't say much for progress in 2017. What's happening to equality in relationships? My DH is by no means perfect but he wouldn't think of trying some of the things mentioned. We operate as a partnership at home, money, careers and bringing up our DC's.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2017 18:11

I'd take my husband's head off if he introduced me in such a patronisingly paternalistic way

Op, this set up obviously suits you if those kinds of phrases have not pinged your radar before now. We are all wasting our time.

originalbiglymavis · 24/04/2017 18:15

"My beautiful wife who does the real work"

Yeah I just sits filing my nails all day and looking pretty...

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2017 18:51

People who do real work get to take time off. Paid leave, if you like. Decide when you're going to take some of that. And do not come home early to stop him waiting up.

Thingamajiggy · 24/04/2017 18:59

My husband would never dare!

Deejoda · 24/04/2017 19:08

My DH is currently pissing me off with this attitude and our DD is just over 1 and I am back to work pt. His culture (like mine) is still quite patriarcal but I was brought up by a single feminist mother. I have laid it all out several times and he is contrite, seems to 'get it' then a few days later falls back into unilaterally deciding to do what he likes with 100% of his free time. I don't see me lasting much longer if he continues this way. Despite his love for me and generosity.
OP YANBU! He is obviously accustomed to his only responsibility being bringing in the money. You need to talk to him and be prepared to keep repeating yourself, frustrating though it might be.

Turquesa · 24/04/2017 19:22

Parker and AF - There's nothing that unusual about the way this DH has or does introduce his wife. My DH has said similar on occasion and he doesn't mean to be patronising. I don't think it's always wise to take everything so literally. There are men like this and they're not all bastards.

Not everybody wants a relationship where they both work similar hours and share everything 50/50 in terms of the house. It seems to be the gold standard on MN, but in real life there are many more options.

Maybe the OP might have felt more 'oppressed' by a husband who expected her to go back to work after 6 months. We don't know? It takes all types and you're allowed to have a moan about some things while being generally happy in the wider scheme. We all do that and we all sometimes wonder if some aspects of our lives could be different. If the OP was to meet your DH's maybe they would have some behaviours she might find offensive or not up her street. As I said, people come from all walks of life and what's ideal for some is someone else's nightmare.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 24/04/2017 19:39

Turquesa is right.

MN is so black and white when a DH thread comes up. Real life has shades of grey too.

Naicehamshop · 24/04/2017 21:05

There's "shades of grey" and there's patronising crap. I'm pretty sure I know what the op's examples are.

Cafecat · 24/04/2017 22:13

I guess it's the difference between a kind of benevolent sexism and intentional sexism? I would say the first is less offensive than the second. We don't know the context here though.

Anyway if we're talking about patronising crap, let's be honest that there's plenty of that here on AIBU to take offence about.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2017 22:15

Of course we know the context. Op has been pretty articulate about the situation.

Cafecat · 24/04/2017 22:27

Well I was just thinking that my DH can have his 'high handed' moments, but I can deal with it because I know he doesn't have a spiteful bone in his body. He has other redeeming features as well, obviously.

Pallisers · 24/04/2017 23:27

Parker and AF - There's nothing that unusual about the way this DH has or does introduce his wife.

Maybe not (I don't agree actually I think there is an implicit "we all know who is out in the world and regarded by all as important but ..." as well as an old-fashioned conventional "toast to the ladies god bless them" kind of attitude that I for one rarely hear these days - and I am older than the OP by a bit)

but considering the OP posted about her husband explicitly telling his wife, son and daughter that he was the head of the house and therefore sat in the chair at the head of the table and that when his son (not his daughter) was also head of the household, he too could sit at the head of tables, we have a fair bit of context for reading this introduction as patronising.

And you know, maybe some people would be happy with a husband who declares himself head of the household - it takes all sorts. But the OP isn't - which is what prompted her to post this thread in the first place.

Naicehamshop · 25/04/2017 07:13

I don't understand your point Cafecat - just because there are lots of other examples of patronising behaviour (on here or elsewhere) that somehow makes it more acceptable for the op?

Mamia15 · 25/04/2017 08:16

My beautiful wife who does the real work

Does he pat you on the head while saying this? Bless him and his little wifey.

Cafecat · 25/04/2017 08:50

What I meant was, my DH will often say to people that I do the 'real work', but he says this because he actually believes it, not because he's trying to be patronising. He knows full well he would go crazy at home with the kids full time, so he's glad that I can do this. At least I don't feel like he's ever taken me for granted and maybe the OP feels the same which is why she lets some things wash over her?

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