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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
ThymeLord · 21/04/2017 13:42

Don't talk such rubbish harsh. If OP hadn't stayed at home to raise their children, for free, then perhaps the hard working Head of the Household would have had to sacrifice his career and earning potential to do so instead? Would that then mean that OP was the Head of the Household? Could she then choose to opt out of putting their children to bed/pitching in with the routine because she was so 'busy'? We both know the answer to that is no.

peaceout · 21/04/2017 13:43

You don't work despite the fact your children are at school, and his hard work enables you to have this life of leisure
What about all the work which enabled him to have 3 children, the physical and psychological toll of bearing them, it may be unpaid but it is still work
She doesn't have a life of leisure in anycase

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 13:43

Peace - maybe we should call a board meeting and put it to the vote Grin

Day to day in this house I decide everything really. I haven't worked since I had DC which has been fine. He's never been weird about money and never questions anything I buy for myself or the DC. So why, despite all this, he seems to think he's head of the house I've no idea.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/04/2017 13:43

harshbuttrue Nice trolling. Run along now.

yoohooitsme · 21/04/2017 13:45

Though mum said it was meaningless, my dad felt and proclaimed often that he was 'head of the household' we mostly ignored him or questioned him when we dared, until aged 40 something i realised even though married 10 years with kids and living 200 miles away he actually really thinks he is head of my current household too!

He does't seem to do this with my brother though.

Sexist a*

My mum just accepted her secondary position in his self defined heirachy but has found this increasingly difficult to bear as it has got more and more apparent now he is retired and causing trouble more at home all the time and more and more visible as myself and my brother married and added son/daughter in law into the mix. She can se now that our marriages work more like team mates.

What he believes will seep out of him in so many ways not just overtly over the dinner table and your kids will pick up on his self appointed status.

Time for you to decide if you want to be a team in status or master and servant.

Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 13:48

He is the head because he earns the money, he said so himself and harsh agrees with him.

Aderyn2016 · 21/04/2017 13:48

This is not a joke. Stop letting him get away with this shit.
Start by insisting that nights out are not spur of the moment - he doesn't get to make plans and inform you. These things need to be agreed in advance. For every night out he takes, make sure you take the same number, even if you don't really want them. You have to stop letting him treat you like his secretary and start asserting yourself amd demanding your equality. Make sure that some of your nights out inconvenience him.

Replace the table today with a round one. It sounds childish and trivial but the point needs to be made.

If you continue to act like a doormat, don't he surprised when he walks all over you!

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 13:51

Even if I did earn money, I doubt it would make any difference because he earns a lot more.

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 21/04/2017 13:54

OP "He'd be hurt if I told him he wasn't involved enough at home."

But he isn't.

Iggi999 · 21/04/2017 13:54

A man who never does bedtime is not likely to step up to the plate with childcare to enable his wife to go back to work.

Pallisers · 21/04/2017 14:01

but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family.

And he said this to his son while his daughter (destined no doubt to be married to a head of the household some day) sat at the same table. Lovely sexist message he is sending loud and clear. I tend to believe that fathers are even more important in shaping daughters than they are sons as women often take how their fathers behave a the norm in men and choose accordingly. You better start challenging him openly and give your children a different message explicitly.

I would also get a job if I were you.

MercuryInTransit · 21/04/2017 14:02

I think I'd get rid of that table.

If that didn't work, I think I'd get rid of that .........

Seriously, you guys need counselling.
I don't see the situation improving as he ages backwards into a Neanderthal.

Maybe get him some animal skins to wear. He could fashion a spear in all his free time when he's not pulling his weight in the family.

Rokerwriter · 21/04/2017 14:03

I got stopped by an researcher in the street once and one of the questions was what is the occupation of the head of the household. I told her I wasn't really sure what head of the household meant and she leant in quite conspiratorially and said patronisingly: "It usually means the man!"
We pretty much left it at that, if I remember correctly.

RhiWrites · 21/04/2017 14:07

He absolutely sees himself as superior. The "thanks for all you do" comment was praise given to a subordinate. Disappearing off st his own son's birthday and never taking responsibility for childcare is part of the same picture.

He sees the money as his, the house as his and he's trying his children to think the same. It's old fashioned but alive and well unfortunately.

OP, I'm not trying to be alarmist but I've met men like this who get the secretary (always female) to buy birthday presents for the wife. Sometimes they are also shagging the secretary because the wife is "boring, without ambition, and small minded".

bigmack · 21/04/2017 14:11

My MIL makes statements like this about dh.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 14:14

I know his PAs and he's not shagging them Confused. I've never had any reason to think he's having an affair. One thing he is is very honest - almost too much so at times. He has never lied to me about anything and I do trust him in that way.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 21/04/2017 14:18

You working wouldn't make any difference as you would still be expected to run the house, do the child care, cooking etc because you are a woman. And that is what he is teaching his children.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 14:19

If I got a job it would feel like cutting my nose off to spite my face because realistically I would still end up doing everything I do now anyway. DH would not respect me more just because I had a job. He doesn't think like that.

OP posts:
owenjonesismyhero · 21/04/2017 14:27

All these men, they behave like the impartial observers in the parenting of their own children. Fucks me right off. Angry

Bluebell28 · 21/04/2017 14:31

I would say to him that as the head of the household he needs to increase the nanny's and the cook's and the cleaner's salaries as they have joined a union and may start industrial action and further union meetings may be in a spa resort

owenjonesismyhero · 21/04/2017 14:33

If I got a job it would feel like cutting my nose off to spite my face because realistically I would still end up doing everything I do now anyway. DH would not respect me more just because I had a job. He doesn't think like that.

How does he think, that no matter what you do, your are subordinate?
Why would you be cutting of your nose to spite your face?

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 14:53

What my I meant was, given that we have no family locally, if I went back to work it would mean using after-school clubs or childminders. DH would probably respect me less in this case, because he always said one if the thing things he loves about me the most is that I'm very family- orientated (which I suppose I am to be fair). His mother was like this and he thinks she is the bees knees. Plus, it's not as if he could realistically cut his hours and even if he did, I doubt he would suddenly pick up the slack at home, so what would be the point? Also the money wouldn't make that much difference and everyone would be more stressed.

OP posts:
Bluebell28 · 21/04/2017 15:25

What made me laugh recently was looking at a 1901 census return and the husband had written head of the household beside both his and his wife's name with two kisses beside it ..

Turquesa · 21/04/2017 15:37

To be honest OP, your DH sounds not unlike mine. By "head of the household" he could mean that he feels he's responsible for everyone. I always think it could be worse - I could be married to a totally irresponsibly-minded man. At least he provides well if he thinks that's his job. He probably doesn't look down in you as such, more that he thinks you've got your role as he has his and they are both necessary. If this is how he's been brought up, it's a mentality that's very embedded and hard to change. Do you still have intimacy and fun together though? Do you communicate?

peaceout · 21/04/2017 16:35

he always said one if the thing things he loves about me the most is that I'm very family- orientated
or in other words you are happy to do the unpaid 'wifework' and this frees him up to focus on enhancing his marketable skills.
He loves the fact that if the relationship should end he will be in a much stronger position than you are.
Your willingness to do the low status work means that you are dis-empowered