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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 20:59

Well he went out at 7am. I think they all meet in Richmond Park. When he came back he said they'd been out into Berkshire. Sometimes they go around Epping Forest or to Brighton. He's been in this cycling fraternity for years. A lot of people do it where we live. It's a sea of lycra, especially on weekends.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 23/04/2017 20:59

I thought this sounded familiar too. Was there a thread a while back about him inviting friends back at short notice for lunch after a particular sporting activity?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 21:00

IfNot

I thought Anastasia said it was her first thread. I know there was a thread some time back about a man, who went for long bike rides with a female friend. But I thought that op didn't have children.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 21:02

No I've not posted about this before. I feel weird about doing so now because if he ever read this he would know it was him. Not that he knows about MN.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 23/04/2017 21:10

There are a few threads about very similar husbands, ice warrior and dust on door frame cycling guy I remember. They all seem to live in circles where this attitude seems to be 'normal'. High earning husbands who are always out seeking challenges whilst the wife runs the house and raises the children. Gilded cases.

WashingMatilda · 23/04/2017 21:15

What I don't get about these men is this incessant banging on about 'Hobbies', I've never noticed anyone mention anything about the need for women to have nearly the amount of bloody 'Hobbies' that men seem to 'need'
Same goes for 'Man Caves', because having a penis is so strenuous you simply must enjoy yourself on your own time, whereas women just seem to have to crack on, lest they are called high maintenance for needing something for their own.

Oh and YANBU OP. Flowers

IfNot · 23/04/2017 21:18

Yeah, im thinking of the dust on the doorframe guy. Also from a different culture to UK, also own business, also looong cycle rides, generous with the cash, clashing with DS.
Maybe he has a twin Grin

PrincessWatermelon · 23/04/2017 21:18

I think of my DH as the head of the house. We just had an interesting discussion about it after reading some of this thread, as I was so surprised it was the minority opinion. He views it as an honour to be the head and feels he is responsible to protect us and keep us safe. He serves us. We are equal in how we parent and run the house. We both work and we both parent. Equally in all things. All decisions and spending, etc. as well as the household roles. However, ultimately I feel the buck stops with him. He feels more responsiblity for our safety and well being (physically and emotionally) than maybe I do about him. We are also Christians, so maybe it's because he is trying to model Christ who was the head of the church and served His people by laying down His life for them. So being the head of the house is about being the ultimate servant.

That's my two pennies worth anyway. 😀

IfNot · 23/04/2017 21:19

Get a hobby of your own OP. One that involves being out..a lot.

IfNot · 23/04/2017 21:23

If my dp ever took up cycling I would dump him. Especially if lycra was involved. He knows this, so it's all good.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 23/04/2017 21:24

Christian as the r ason Watermelon? You're having a laugh.

In this house i'm the boss and DH is always right. That's what we tell the DCs anyway.

Once or twice when our house alarm has gone off in the middle of the night DH has shoved me out of bed first to see who might have "broken in". So much for a great protector Confused.

He is a keeper though in all other ways..

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 21:27

He isn't the type to just go to the pub so when he meets his friends it's usually to do a "hobby". The cycling is a very popular one because they can buy all the kit and have fascinating conversations about bike specifications. My friend's DH fell off his bike a year ago and it's still not known if he'll walk again unaided, so it does worry me. DH has a whole group of friends he boxes with, and this has been going on for years as well, but they don't actually punch each other in the face, thank god. He goes diving whenever he can as well and sailing is another one.
I just meet my friends for lunch.

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 23/04/2017 21:30

You need to tell him to fuck off back to his cave.

Then present him with a formal, 'Head of the household' job description....

Parker231 · 23/04/2017 21:32

And if you wanted to meet a friend for lunch or drinks in the evening and these were at the same as one of his hobbies, I imagine his activities would take priority?

homeworkinghubbard · 23/04/2017 21:34

If you'd like him to get some sense of what you do, it's really helpful to keep a list for a week - everything from loading/emptying dishwasher to school run (with times) to activities for the kids to buying birthday cards for both sides of family... every little job you do which may be taken for granted, then show him at the end of seven days and see if he gets the message. It's also really helpful for you both to be able to point out specific stuff he could take on.

Orangetoffee · 23/04/2017 21:35

So you do lunch (presumably on school days) and he does days, weekends, weeks on hobbies. It doesn't matter whether it is going to the pub or cycling, it is selfish.

PoorYorick · 23/04/2017 21:37

think of my DH as the head of the house. We just had an interesting discussion about it after reading some of this thread, as I was so surprised it was the minority opinion. He views it as an honour to be the head and feels he is responsible to protect us and keep us safe. He serves us. We are equal in how we parent and run the house. We both work and we both parent. Equally in all things. All decisions and spending, etc. as well as the household roles. However, ultimately I feel the buck stops with him. He feels more responsiblity for our safety and well being (physically and emotionally) than maybe I do about him. We are also Christians, so maybe it's because he is trying to model Christ who was the head of the church and served His people by laying down His life for them. So being the head of the house is about being the ultimate servant.

Pass the bucket.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 22:04

He always says, "I don't stop you going anywhere. You just need to tell me in advance when and where you want to go". So it's not as if he won't compromise if I need to go out, but the difference is he doesn't run things past me in advance in case it interferes with my schedule. A lot of my friends are in similar positions which is why it can be hard to organise nights out. He travels a fair bit as well which obviously has an impact. The other thing he does is he will always wait up for me if I'm out as he says he worries about me which makes me feel pressured to get back as I know he's probably got an early start the next day. I'm not a drinker and its not as if I'm likely to go clubbing at the age of 38, so in a way I'm not that bothered. I suppose my peak busy hours are the evenings, while his are in the day?

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 23/04/2017 22:05

It bothered me that he said this:
"I have never stopped you doing anything"

  • as if he had the right to stop you if he wanted but didn't because he was kind to you.

His hobbies though - cycling, boxing, diving, sailing - how on earth does he find the time?

countinbats · 23/04/2017 22:07

I think you're reading too much into it.

Lessthanaballpark · 23/04/2017 22:10

OP I am your daughter grown up except our situation was even worse. DF at the "head" end, DBro at the other head and my mum and I flanking at the sides Shock, DM's side being on the kitchen!

Always pissed me off as a young girl and definitely shaped me into a feminist (amongst other things).

But I understand totally why you put up with it. In every other sense my Dad was/is a perfect family man. Cared for us in the traditional "provider" way because that was his way of caring, is generous to a fault and appreciates my mum's work as she does his. But ultimately he saw himself as the head because in his mind head = he who earns.

It's hard to challenge people who have many good qualities and like your MIL are showing you love in the way they know how.

Parker231 · 23/04/2017 22:11

What hobbies do you have?

Phineyj · 23/04/2017 22:11

Waiting up is weird and a bit controlling. When DH and I have the occasional night out solo, we use the spare room if the other one's gone to bed. We also don't require to know where the other one is nor do we text for updates! (unless we think of something funny or it's a boring event).

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 22:21

Well they all seem to find the time, Kaitlin. DH is fairlly low key in comparison to a lot of his friends or associates. He also collects certain cars and takes them to races and this will be a whole day midweek usually. In a way I'm quite pleased he's working a bit less these days because he's happier for it, I suppose I just never knew him to be any different and it's normal to me. I don't want to sound wet and I will tell him if it's too much, but maybe other people wouldn't put up with half of it.

He just asked who I'm texting Confused

OP posts:
Franm2 · 23/04/2017 22:24

A few years ago DH and I were stopped in a shopping centre by a woman doing a survey. After we'd answered her questions she said she needed a few details about the head of the household and turned towards DH. He said we didn't have a head - we were equal partners. She insisted she needed details of just one person. He told her she should ask me, then, because I'm older than him and earned more. She actually said no, it had to be the man! We said we were sorry we couldn't help her and walked on.

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