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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
Nerdymum83 · 23/04/2017 19:01

Lol if my husband said he was head of the house and responsible for everything, I'd say thats fine love. You can be responsible for the house and kids too. I'm off to the vodka bar in town, tata lovely xD and walk off.
He'd not last 5 minutes with the bedtime routine of 3 small children lol.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/04/2017 19:06

I sit in what would be seen as the head of the table. I choose too as I prefer that position and since I've cooked 99% of the meals I figure I should sir where I want. Dh used to sit there but not for twatty head of house reasons. He knows I run this house and do more than him to keep it going. Obviously he earns all the money so between us we're a team.

Lua · 23/04/2017 19:18

My DH sits at the head of the table,but that is because the rule is that whomever cooks dinner sits at the place of honor.... Grin But there are definitely days where one of the kids sit at the head when they cook!

If it is a new table you may want to designate that the star seat is based on something like the most help helpful that day, or something like it to avoid this connotation of head of the house?

meladeso · 23/04/2017 19:20

I really like that idea Lua

We have no "head of household" issues here, but I like that regardless Smile

ComedyofTerrors · 23/04/2017 19:24

I think all these suggestions for clever comebacks and dressing his throne up are completely missing the point

^^
This

timeisnotaline · 23/04/2017 19:24

We have had many many conversations to get to equality. Once we had a baby it really had to be thrashed out- e.g. Dh: I have work drinks thurs. Me: and? Dh:? Huh? Me: you left off the second half of the sentence. Where you ask if I'm ok to look after OUR baby that evening. Someone has to - stop making assumptions that I'm a 24 hour sole parent!
Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Feeding the baby breakfast - for a solid month after baby was eating breakfast I would come out on the weekend and ask has he had breakfast? Erm no. Have you eaten? Yes? Very interesting... lucky for him he worked that one out before i had to throw a mega fit . (I got the weekend lie ins because we had a non sleeping baby, so that was my only sleep period of 2-3 hours long)

Sprogletsmuvva · 23/04/2017 19:26

Bit of a tangent, but I was struck by your comment about having to sort out schoolbags etc given the ages of your children (assuming no SN). OK for the 8yo, but surely kids of secondary and nearly-~ age can do their own...

Anyway, my parents are/were like this - no foreign blood, but they were old-fashioned even for people marrying in the '70s. They subscribed to the "A mother should be at home for her family" bolox (shame we couldn't actually afford it, but hey), while simultaneously assigning my dad superior status as The Wage Earner. I once mentioned inviting my boyfriend over: "Ooh, you'll have to ask Dad about that, after all it is his house."Hmm Not even legally true, given that they were married (at that point, for 25 years Sad.)

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 19:27

Sorry I hadn't realised the thread had started again.
It's a difficult one because in most respects he does put me first and I'm not just saying that.
When we go to his family get-togethers (of which there are many and they're all mental), it would be really out of place for any of the men to be getting themselves involved in serving the food. They just sit there and pontificate, especially the older ones. When we got engaged, his mother saw this as a green light to give me Greek cookery lessons Hmm She is a lovely lady and DH said it was her way of making me feel welcome. It went in for months - you have no idea Confused.
What is quite obvious though, is that the women control the whole course of events in general - not only via the food, but just in terms of household decisions. This is regardless of what the men think.
I'm not and will never be like MIL, but how do I actually get him to do anything in the kitchen after 45 years?

OP posts:
Wizzywoodoodah · 23/04/2017 19:30

OP- you're not the Duchess of Cambridge are you 😉? I've heard that she may be a MNetter...

goodeyebrows · 23/04/2017 19:35

I once was answering some questions over the phone about our family/finances. I was asked what does the head of the house do for a living, i replied with my job title. They then asked 'what do you do?' I explained that I'd already said, and told them what my husband did for a living. The (slightly) older lady on the end of the phone was rather flustered.

I didn't mean anything disrespectful towards my husband, i just regarded myself in that was as I earnt more than him.

Naicehamshop · 23/04/2017 19:36

I don't understand why you are so passive in your approach to this, op.Confused

Sit him down and explain clearly how his attitude makes you feel. I know it's difficult and I know you will probably have to say it over and over again, but you have to stand your ground on this for the sake of the children.

Carriecakes80 · 23/04/2017 19:49

Lol Hah! The Hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world lol. My husband has said very similar things, but I do know he's joking, and I only have to give him the ol' eyeball (you know the one lol) and the nervous smile appears!
I'm sure your DH is joking....but if he isn't, go on strike, and say you want a pay-rise if he's Boss, plus all the time off you're owed! :-) xxx

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/04/2017 19:51

Make sure your daughter or you sit at the head of the table next time
Have words with him don't assume he is joking tell him straight this sexist bollocks isn't how you are raising your kids

StrandedStarfish · 23/04/2017 19:52

Current husband is the head of our house. However, I am the neck and the neck can move the head in any way that it desires

PrimroseHillbilly · 23/04/2017 20:02

I like to think of myself as a reasonably liberal man. This DH sounds like a dinosaur - vintage cretin, promoted way above his pay grade, and a complete disgrace to menfolk.

He just deserves laughter. Lots of it.

Then, for the sake of the kids, help him put some semblance of his sad life back together. .....Only if you feel like it.

He barely deserves equality, if that's his way of thinking.

MsJudgemental · 23/04/2017 20:06

We have a rectangular table and all sit at the sides. One end is against the window in a bay; Ds used to sit at the 'head' when he was a baby but now sits at the side so he can see the telly like us two. If anyone tried that 'Head of the House' crap here they'd get short shrift from DH as well as me.

kateandme · 23/04/2017 20:06

i think before he said the other stuff bout doing most to keep family under the roof it was ok. our dad used to say head of house in an honour role,like he wanted to protect the family.and if he went away it was given to one of the others to look after the house.hed say to my sis "your the head now look out for mum and your sibs.or hed say it to my brother when he got really ill."head of house" is not always some saying to divvy down on woman.
so I wanted to see some posters gving this dad a break perhaps.especially wen the OP Ssaid he went on to tell her how he appreciated her.
and this whole "Must make sure the girls are independent woman and no the dad is a dick" oh please.they are young girls and its good they no daddy has this place and mum can too. our dad was always somewhere different to mum in that he would protect as the head dad bear and he would fight differently to mum.of course its changed due to changing family circumstances these days.
but sorry dad was always the "man,fetch wood,make fire,cook meat,protect my family" and often not in a bad way,in a hero way in a way they kept us safe. and mum was the one we thought as hero for similar but different reasons and shed keep us safe in other ways.
its not a bad thing that mum and dad have different roles.
and we should force the equality crap in people so young.
just make sure that if question or occasions come up then they new mum and dad could be equal in their abilty to hold us together.
but when the dad went on to say the othe stuff in this post. that's when he lost himself on me.
and what your dc said was pricelss and spot on.dad going out to work for this "roof" isn't always a good thing for the kids.when they don't see him or feel supported with him.

Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 20:08

Why would I be the Duchess of Cambridge? Grin Confused

If he was always trying to tell me what to do I wouldn't put up with it. As I said, he's not bossy or critical. He does mean well. It's hard to know what to say.

As a PP said, maybe I do too much for the kids as well as him and its my own fault. Most of the time, it just seems quicker and less hassle that way and in all families you have to pick your battles to some extent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anastasia5 · 23/04/2017 20:24

Also, I am noticing things now. Like yesterday, he went out on his bike 7am to 7pm because he's training for something. In this time, I took and collected DD1 to a friend's party, DD2 to ballet, did a good shop and sorted the house and DS1 had 3 friends arriving from 3pm for a sleepover. This morning, DH was in his default mode of working /sorting flights and I asked him to leave it because I needed him to help one DD with some homework while I helped the other one, so he did get involved to be fair. The next step is to get him to do it without being asked.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 23/04/2017 20:24

Are you saying that he has never cooked or looked after himself in 45 years?

I am sure he can do it, he just doesn't want to or need to because you do it. Nothing will change if you keep doing it all.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2017 20:30

It's sad that you have to corner your husband into doing his fair share of parenting.

And that you have to teach him to do so off his own bat. Is he stupid ?

Itsnotwhatitseems · 23/04/2017 20:37

As a child I remember my dad always having the largest portion and seconds, pick of the best dessert etc..but he wasn't really like that, (He was in charge of ensuring no discrimination in the Civil Service so would have been awful to feel men were somehow superior and more entitled)

IfNot · 23/04/2017 20:49

he went out on his bike 7am to 7pm because he's training for something

A 12 hour bike ride..? Hmm
Are you sure..?
You have posted before, I recognize the way you talk about him, and the all-day "bike rides"

Gromit78 · 23/04/2017 20:58

So many men still seem to have this horrendously old fashioned opinion of their role in the family. My own DH has raised this before and pointed out how he earned the most money when he was at work whilst I was on maternity etc. It seems as if the main bread winner in a family truly believes they have more value and authority over everyone else.

Granted I was a bit annoyed at the Mumsnet blog festival last year because it seemed to be a bit of a feminist-man-bashing conference. I came away from the conference wanting to start up a new campaign called 'Values' to help people readjust to what they value in family life and to learn to value everyone's role as equal. There is no head of household only partnership in love.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 20:58

Dd (8) (being head of the house) likes to sit on the end between dh and me or sometimes we sit in the middle of the table, two together and one opposite. The running joke is Dd knows I'm the boss and we like to pretend dh is. Dh and I used to have big arguments about him making assumptions and just going out or going out and getting drunk and rolling home at 4am. These days he's more moderated and we talk..he now asks if he's allowed to do something, which I think is funny - he's foreign so I think he doesn't get the connotation but it's not lost on me and I smile inside. Any power play like your dh is doing would set me into overdrive and I wouldn't accept it.