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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

331 replies

Anastasia5 · 21/04/2017 10:20

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family Hmm. The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Grin Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

OP posts:
bbismad · 23/04/2017 17:41

I was thinking of buying an new dining room table, I'll be thinking twice if that happens every time, I don't like the idea of being transported back to 1950's.

Crowdblundering · 23/04/2017 17:43

DS1 thought he was "the man of the house" when his dad left - he was soon put straight (he was only 9 at the time) and is now incredibly respectful of women and equality Grin

WendyBurfitt · 23/04/2017 17:48

Just sit at the other end and say "and I'm the other head of the household" then smile and tell the children how lucky they are to have you both.

Writermom22 · 23/04/2017 17:51

And what's wrong with you sitting at the other end of the table and saying "yes, we have two heads. Dad keeps the roof over our head and I do everything else."

Why is there always a bloody fight for power? Marriage is a partnership. Try sharing.

Purplealienpuke · 23/04/2017 17:58

He sounds like a catch op 🤗

velourvoyageur · 23/04/2017 18:00

My dad explained to me very clearly when I was younger that his salary was earned both by him & by my SAH mum. She enabled him to go out and bring money home, because during all the hours he was at work, she was on the clock (and yes, he did night feeds while working in the day too!). Without that, his earning potential in conjunction with his desired lifestyle would have been curtailed. He also made it clear that he saw great skill in what 'running a household' involved, seeing it as something to be taught, made sure he was doing a fair 50% share when he was at home and would never have underestimated my talented, extremely intelligent mum for not being employed.

If it was easy for 9 year old me to grasp, why's your husband fucking about with this ridiculous approach to family life? He sounds thick as mince OP.

MsGameandWatch · 23/04/2017 18:02

My ex wanted a chair that was just his - as head of the house. I was expected to shop for fresh food every day and meat was always to be part of the meal; the head of the house should eat meat every day you see. The head of the house should always get the lions share of any take away too; dainty portions for me, at least two thirds for him. The head of the house didn't do housework and he didn't change nappies. The head of the house could get pissed every night and never be questioned.

The term Head Of The House makes me cringe.

user1483035736 · 23/04/2017 18:03

Not good to be saying i to the kids, joking or not!

Lovelymess · 23/04/2017 18:03

My OH is the same. Technically he is the bread winner so... Grin

PoorYorick · 23/04/2017 18:03

My ex wanted a chair that was just his - as head of the house. I was expected to shop for fresh food every day and meat was always to be part of the meal; the head of the house should eat meat every day you see. The head of the house should always get the lions share of any take away too; dainty portions for me, at least two thirds for him. The head of the house didn't do housework and he didn't change nappies. The head of the house could get pissed every night and never be questioned.

God, and I thought my father (he called himself Master of the House - don't think he'd ever seen Les Mis) was a raging pillock.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 23/04/2017 18:05

He can stick his head up his fucking arse!

Btw - a rectangular table has two 'heads' Grin.

Purplealienpuke · 23/04/2017 18:06

Actually he sounds like my own father. He WAS the head of the house. Arrogant, boorish, self centred bully. He didn't help my mum with 3 kids other than to provide money. He sat at the head of the table. He decided what we ate, what we wore & where we went but that was it. It wasn't a great existence for us kids but was no existence for her. She divorced him in the end!
If he isn't pulling his weight at home because he's found hobbies then that is lazy. Your children will notice and you will end up resenting him.
Good luck getting through to him 💐

Saj1988 · 23/04/2017 18:08

Has your family timeslipped to 1955?

pollymere · 23/04/2017 18:17

With Greek background I can imagine that it is traditional for the man to sit at the head of the table. My DH is lovely but sometimes his cultural heritage shines through with attitudes from the dark ages...explain that it's a little old fashioned. Maybe he's proud to keep a roof over your head financially. Will it hurt to let him have his delusions?

PoorYorick · 23/04/2017 18:19

Will it hurt to let him have his delusions?

It already is. OP is upset about it and her daughter is objecting to it. So no, we shouldn't allow sexist disrespect to masquerade as humouring the man for being so cute.

Also, if OP rolls over and takes it, it isn't a delusion.

Xanadu44 · 23/04/2017 18:20

I would definitely speak to him about how him saying he is the head looks to your daughters, maybe you two should plan to take it in turns to sit there and put on a united front that you are BOTH the heads of the household and work as a team. i can see why your frustrated but at the same time there seem to be a lot of positives for you too (and him!) so I am sure if you spoke to him calmly you could sort this no problem!

Lallypop · 23/04/2017 18:26

Sounds like my household. If he's Greek he probably wasn't joking, we're Italian. If I were you I'd let him carry on believing it, but we all know who really is the head of household. Don't get too upset, I'm sure he respects everything you do.

babybythesea · 23/04/2017 18:27

I can see many of these traits in my DH. He's not Middle Eastern but is from overseas. His Dad does nothing. Even when MIL was working a six day week and he was retired, the most he'd do was make himself a cuppa and a sandwich at lunchtime. DH says himself he doesn't really remember his dad being there until he was old enough to bait his own fishing rod! MIl is quite resentful. FIL went off to do his hobby at weekends, they both worked, and she did all the homework and childcare. Now she's retired, she was hoping for her time to do her own thing but they aren't in great health, FIL particularly, so she looks after him. She doesn't get, and probably will never get, her time to do her thing.

I have problems with DH which can all be traced back to this. What he sees as normal, I really don't. He's better than he was but it is an ongoing conversation, not something we discussed once and then it all got better and stayed better. Sometimes it wears me down, and I have contemplated leaving him. But the one thing he does have going for him is that he does care. He just doesn't always think....

PinkGlitter17 · 23/04/2017 18:37

I am leaving my H, largely due to this attitude. I can't express how damaging it has been.

whomovedmychocolate · 23/04/2017 18:46

Swap his chair for a bouncy hopper. Say nothing.

ThatWhiteElephant · 23/04/2017 18:46

Wow!!!!
I would have laughed at him and reminded him what year we are actually living in.
My dh earns much more than me but I 'run' the house with a part-time job. My kids have said in the past that 'mum is boss' (I would say we are equal). Nobody sits at the head of our table.

peaceout · 23/04/2017 18:47

if a man's underlying belief is that you are there to serve him it's unlikely to get better as time goes on, as he gets older he will slow down and require more and more looking after.
Any spare energy or time that she has will be purloined by him

shinysinkredemption · 23/04/2017 18:48

Lallypop "We all know who really is the head of household. Don't get too upset, I'm sure he respects everything you do." I agree but you need to have him express this respect and appreciation in front of the children making sure they know you are equals. Or play his game and say you are head of the family. Remind him who gave birth: how men can honestly consider themselves superior is beyond me!

peaceout · 23/04/2017 18:50

mum might be the one who does all the work at home and oversee's things but surely the boss is the one who gets the most time to relax and do what they want while those lower in the hierarchy rush around getting everything done

PoorYorick · 23/04/2017 18:56

The narrative of the pompous, silly but lovable teddy bear declaring himself head of the house while everyone else nods and smiles and humours him while secretly doing everything that shows they are really in control is very cute and funny when it happens, which is largely in fiction. Generally, if a man is boorish and disrespectful enough to make this kind of proclamation, it's not because he's so cuddly and funny.

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