DH as self-proclaimed "Head of the House". Any tips please?

[Anastasia5]

I've been reading MN recently and would appreciate any thoughts about this situation. We just replaced a round dining table for a rectangular one. Last night when I was serving dinner, I'm not sure how it came into conversation, but DH announced to the DC that the reason he was sitting at the head of the table was because he was head of the family . The thing is, I'm not sure if he was actually joking or not. He went in to tell DS (12) that he can sit at the head of the table when he is responsible for his own family. DS' response to this was, "Well I'll probably be eating out most of the time anyway". Then our elder DD (10) said to him, "No mummy is the head of the house because she's here more than you. You're just the head in the office."

DH then replied he is the one who keeps a roof over everyone's head or something to that effect. AIBU to find this attitude irritating? I'm a bit irritated anyway by him recently because I feel like he won't do anything unless I specifically ask. We have 3 DC and yes he works very hard, but I do pretty much everything else.

DH is British but from a fairly traditional Greek background for context. When I spoke to him later, he said he hadn't meant anything by it and of course he values me and "thankyou for everything"etc. AIBU to still feel irritated and WWYD if so?

Ooer - what did you tell him?

Make sure you log out tonight then Anastasia - and maybe delete your browsing history.

It just seems a lot of hobbies to me - I suppose if he is working fewer hours and not doing much parenting or any housework, then he will be able to fit them all in. I just feel that both partners should be able to have equal leisure time, that's all.

Does he spend any time with his children, what this all these hobbies, and working away etc? I don't see how he possibly could.
So, so have to run your plans by him, but he doesn't afford you the same courtesy..yep, you are definitely second-tier in your relationship.
His wants come first, before yours, before the children's.

It sounds like you are the head of the family and he dips in and out when it suits him. Are you worried about the example you both are setting your DC's?

Awww bless him poor love ... he's clearly feeling very insecure

Eat your tea on your knee by the telly, like we do most nights and there won't be a problem.

Love Applebite's link to Les Mis ! Why ladies are we still having these conversations - breaks my heart 😥

Oh FFS, what silly prancing and preening. Seriously though, I used table position management after a few awful years of my DH sitting at the head of our (rectangular) dining table and dominating me and DDs like a Henry VIII/slapped arse face despot every meal time. I moved us to 2x2 sitting opposite arrangement and it did help to dilute the dictatorship. A round table would be even better.

Call him 'The Head' . ( Would The Head make me a cup of tea? Does The Head fancy a biscuit with that? )

I did similar to an old headteacher who insisted that staff called him "Mr Arsewipe". I proceeded to call him "Headmaster" instead (with a little added formality, just for fun) and it was soon picked up by other teachers. He hated it and soon asked for everyone to call him by his first name...

I would apply to the head of the house for your holiday allowance. Then fuck off and have one without them all! I would also refer to myself as the CEO of the household. X enjoy xx silly fecker probably doesn't realise the can of worms he inadvertently opened. As for the won't do anything without being asked. Time to get your manager shiz on and make clear what your expectations are. Ie: I expect you to empty the dishwasher without being asked. I expect you ......... I have a similar problem where the DH considers his part in house hold tasks optional on occasion. I find being explicit about my expectations at the time far more conducive to a happy environment. Than grumblig but not being clear.

He always says, "I don't stop you going anywhere. You just need to tell me in advance when and where you want to go"

You need to start saying the same to him. over and over and over. So when he announces he is going off for a 12 hour cycle (and frankly I don't know anyone who is a father who would do this so you certainly lucked out there) you say "oh sorry, that doesn't work. we need you to do x. You could have done it if you had told me in advance when and where you wanted to go"

And this crap of staying up until you are in out of "daddy" concern about you. Fuck that. Next time stay out as late as you want and if he is awake tell him 'well that was a bit stupid wasn't it, staying up to see if a perfectly competent adult has come home - you'll be exhausted tomorrow and for no reason".

It sounds like you like bits of him and his attitude tbh. But make no mistake. The 2 of you are forming your son and daughter into who they will be and who they will chose as partners. Another couple of sad marriages

Eurgh! Sounds like my father in law, he still has my MIL chopping his food up and making sure the house is quiet and tidy upon his regal entrance home from work.
Yeah my partner sometimes makes sly comments, but I soon shut him up when I ask him why such an important man would leave skid marks in his pants?

The more you post, the more obvious he's not engaged with his family - all these hobbies .

The fact that you think it's normal shows how brainwashed and conditioned you have been.

Still can't get over how controlling he is over you going out - why must you tell him in advance when he doesn't? Why must he stay up?

As I've said before, your DC are soaking all this up

"In Belgium the authorities like you to nominate the "Chef de la menage" who takes the lead in dealing with administrative matters."

I lived in Belgium for years and had actually assumed that the highest earner became chef de menage automatically. I didn't realise you could nominate one. (I lived alone so was counted as a head of household).

There must be a Stepford like place in London where all these selfish and entitled men who collect cars, race, cycle or run live.

Just because it is accepted as normal amongst your friends doesn't mean it is normal because it is not. A gilded cage is still a cage.

I would suggest to DH that he works and shows the children that you are a team that works together. You both have very different skills, when it comes down to it, all those skills are equally as important. So quite rightly Dad is head of his work or whatever, pays for the bills, but he is able to do this thanks to Mum who provides the care, the cleaning, everything else that's important in household management.

It's a bug bear of mine that DC think DH is this wonderful amazing person for working, I'm lazy because I don't. I have to say when I'm really narked, DS ask your Dad who went back to working when you were 6 weeks old to put the food on the table. Ask Dad what Mummy used to do. If I'm particularly annoyed, ask Dad who writes important business documents for Dad.

I mean their Dad isn't passing me his work laptop to read his master piece. He knows full well I will turn it into corporate language that can be applied across the company. Their Dad knows I'm instrumental in pay rises and promotions. Obtaining a very significant pay rise last year, that I didn't even get a shitty bouquet of flowers for, not a penny. Thus I'm now having to claim benefits as any money I've had has always been split more in his favour, with DC also getting a share. The other way around, he's like bloody Gollum. My precious Oh my precious.

So I strongly believe it should be a United front, no one parent should claim to be better than the other. I would never dream of doing so, as I'm sure you wouldn't.

So definitely say look enough of this I'm the head stuff, if you have to, say that yourself and I sit where we do as we're co-equal partners. I get that maybe culture comes into it to a degree. But you don't want DS thinking just because he has a penis it makes him superior to girls. He won't win any girls over that way.

Good luck OP

I'm sorry if I'm not replying to everyone individually, but I have just re-read all the posts from yesterday evening and from the night. Thankyou for all the comments.

On the hobbies issue, I am surprised at how many people think this is unusual. Don't most men have something? E.g. if not cycling it could be golf? Or what about the ones who go to football matches all the time?
I accept that where we live may not be typical of everywhere, but can it really be that different? At least he doesn't drink or hang out in bars. Not to make excuses, but you don't have to have hobbies to be disengaged.
He does do things with the kids as well, like take them fishing and I tend not to go. I don't know what to think now or how much is too much?

What area are you in, if you can say roughly?

Many men do have hobbies but the good ones are those who see family life as important and invest more of their time in their families.

I don't care that he doesn't drink - he's still choosing to spend most of his spare time away from his family instead of parenting his DC.

How often and how long does he take the DC fishing for?

Really you both should have equal amounts of child free leisure time.

It's the whole days spent on hobbies, and so many of them, that is unusual. Especially since you have several kids. What you've described is someone who has lots of time at their disposal, who works or does a hobby for long days often, whenever they choose to. That's not manageable for most parents of several children, who will have to also make time for their kids and to accommodate their partner's activities and commitments. He sees himself as only bound by his own choices, but you're having to make all yours subject to 'telling him in advance'. Love pallister's reply to that.

Some people have hobbies (not just men!) but in general, if they have families AND full time jobs/businesses, they don't go off for entire days very often. Sometimes, yes, but not every week. I wouldn't expect any parent to devote their every waking moment to their kids (and I find people who do incredibly tedious) but this man sounds utterly disengaged, as if parenthood is a very, very part time voluntary position, like an add-on to his real life.
Look OP, just reverse this. Imagine you take up amateur dramatics. You would have to rehearse a couple of evening a week, more coming up performances. There would be day long dress rehearsals, after parties. (someone correct me if I'm wrong I don't do am dram!)
So, could you just start saying "I will be out tomorrow night so you will need to be home early to sort the kids", or "I will be out from 8 am until 4 pm on Saturday" leaving him to ferry to ballet class, or whatever the kids do? What would happen?
I think, because you are not a wage earner, he doesn't think you get the same freedom and privileges, however much you think he respects what you do for the family.
Try it. Take up a serious hobby. If he takes issue with it, get a job.
And as for waiting up for you...how can you stand being treated like a child?!

and to accommodate their partner's activities and commitments

That's the thing that's missing isn't it? He has never needed to accommodate anyone else's commitments. The world revolves around him.

Yes well I agree that I fit in stuff around him and the DC and he has never had to accommodate any of my commitments. That is very true.
It's not a huge issue now because I can do my own thing in the day quite a lot. I do remember feeling more resentful when the kids were little though. It's probably my own fault for not taking a stand years ago. I think I was too tired maybe and he was always super busy.

He is good-natured and a generous kind of person. He'does enjoy doing activities with the kids and they benefit from that. He's very kind to me in many ways and I suppose I'm just used to him the way he is.

in - we're broadly in the Putney/Fulham/Barnes/Kensington kind of area in terms of where we live and schools, but his offices are in town.

I hope we're not a bad model for the kids.

YANBU it is very irritating. My husband tries it on too but I just laugh and tell home to cook his own dinner etc. He has come to realise over time it is best to do as he is told if he wants an easy life haha (not that he does 😬).

my oh has done this. our dc's actually laughed so did i. dc's said noooo mummy is the boss

I am not surprised you were too tired to challenge him when the kids were babies. I assume you did all the night feeds and wakings, were basically on duty 24/7. I hope he did at least do his fair share of nappy changes and sickness cleaning but he probably was too busy.

I guess you have a bit more time now because the kids are school and not because your work load has been reduced.