Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

"I also think part time work rarely does mothers much good either - perhaps better a housewife appreciated as such than pulled from both sides neither one thing nor the other although many seem to think it's the best compromise."

I do 2 days a week, starting at 8.40 and finishing at 2.50pm. DS has 2 days in nursery, which he appears to love. I get a couple of days where I can be the "me" I was before having a baby. I knock off early enough to go to the park or visit friends, and the other 5 days a week, we do the parent & baby groups, or hang out with friends and their kids, and generally have a nice time. I do my best at work, do my best at home, and if things can't be perfectly clean, or ironed, or whatever, I don't get stressed over it. I have time to spend with my son and hardly ever feel the pressure to rush him or spend the time to stop and pick up stones or examine paving slabs (whatever takes his fancy). I count myself as very fortunate to be able to have both work and family in a good balance.

I think that Xenia has a very polarised view of life and needs to chill a bit.

Which countries do this? I know some Scandinavian countries have a very high percentage of children in childcare, but I honestly don't understand how it works economically. If you are paying a childcare person a fair wage, and the maximum number of young children they can look after is 3, you have to be earning a pretty high wage to make it financially viable. Whether we are male or female, we can't all have the kind of job where this is possible.

I absolutely support women and men who work full time with children, and I agree with your point that for a balanced society, it must be accepted that women as well as men can do jobs that require long hours and commitment after children. However, I dispute that every man and woman should be constantly climbing the career ladder. As the cliche goes, some people work to live, others live to work.

The Finn I was talking to he pays £1,200 a year for a baby child care place and over 60% tax on his income. I think someone on here said many French mothers return to work. Quite a few countries but in the UK we don't make it easy to return to work because there isn't good cheap childcare. That may well be a deliberate Government plan to chain women to sinks of course.

He's quite right.

Now listen all of you

If any of you are lucky enough to snare a bloke with a high salary and enjoy the trappings, such as the ability to go out and play tennis or 'do lunch', you have to take what comes with that, i.e. a bloke that expects to have everything done for him.

In effect he is paying you to look after him.

If you object, hire a cook/cleaner/au pair, but dont take it out on him! You chose this way of life, remember that.

no its not unreasonable! yes my dp goes to work in the day 8:20am-5:45pm so he has a long day but i work all day if my dd needs changing i have to do it i have to do her bath, putting her to bed seeing to her if she wakes in the night etc its not fair i do everything for my dd i do it cause i love her i have to pester him to do the smallest thing for her its annoying as he wanted her as much as me! when am i supposed to sit with time to myself if i get no help?
Does anyone out there not class my 24hour unpaid work as a job? i have no or v.little help!

I wouldnt expect him to do the housework, put would expect him to hang his trowel up, put dirty clothes in wash basket etc.

My dp works long hours and I am SAHM but at weekends he often cooks and he washes up during the week aftrer meals. He does spend time on his computer but he does spend time with us asl well.

I'm not sure if any of this is about housework but is about how you perceive your husband values you. So some of it may be about your self-esteem which sounds at total rock bottom.

If his behaviour has really changed and its much worse than before then you need to find out the reason by talking about it. If the situation is as you describe then it sounds like very angry passive aggressive behaviour. Is he upset at work, how is it going for him? Do you get invited to works nights out?

My exhusband acted like this before I found out he was snarfing some chickee at the office, stuff suddenly became my fault, I was suddenly not attractive enough to go out with, he criticised the home environment etc.

I'm NOT saying this is happening with you - to be honest I would ask about stress at work first, I would pay attention to how he acts at weekends.

And I would get a cleaner, put your stuff out to be ironed, hire a reliable babysitter, and spend some of that time and money on yourself.

Housework, indeed no job is demeaning if you don't let it be. Because you'd have to choose to be demeaned by it. It's all about attitude. You're supposed to be a partnership.

I really hope it goes ok.

Hang in there 'shout', my partner sounds the same. He works a 4 day week but I work 7 days a week bringing up 5 children. 3 of them are special needs and he does not help in the house. Maybe try what I do..... when he leaves the plates etc on the table, you leave them there too. My partner leaves mugs and glasses of water by the bed so I now don't collect them all up, he has to do it, sometimes 3 days later. If he doesnt replenish the toilet roll, I have a secret stash in a cupboard so he can get caught short and not us. when the dishwasher is empty but he just stacks things on teh sideboard above it, I leave them there. Harsh maybe but I am not the skivvy. I am an adult who is already looking after 5 children.

Dear Chaos

Hiding the toilet roll? Is that really how low you've sunk?

And this is why men rule the world ladies! We're too busy slagging each other off rather than supporting each other. Such a shame.

Why can't we live and let live?

My dh has an important job and high salary, yet does loads around the house & with the dds. I don't have to ask him either. In fact he is usually the one telling me sit down and rest while he does chores!

bonym your soo lucky to have such a good man!

I know .

My first h was one of the lazy ones, so I know how fortunate I am.

get ur DH to use his surplus dosh pay for the following things for you to ease your pressures

to get a cleaner so u are not tied down with housework

pay for a day spa for you

trip to posh make up counters for you eg mac, stils, benefit

pay for gym membership for u - one with a creche

i may sound really materialistic, dont mean to be but consider it your *wages^ for the bloody hars job u do

I advised my husband that I would gladly be his housekeeper and nanny but that he didn't get to sleep with the housekeeper/nanny so he must think about his options....needless to say he's now a ninja with the Cillit Bang!

Wow, how horrible some people's husbands are. Mine would never expect me to skivvy for him - we would only stop paying other people to clean up for us if we really couldn't afford it. I happen to earn more than him at the moment, and he happens to leave his socks on the floor anyway. The really worrying thing about the OP is that her relationship seems to be devoid of love, fun, companionship etc. And her h sounds like a crap dad. She's losing confidence and stopping taking care of herself physically. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a marriage with a future.

By the way, the childcare solution is for the government to provide free nurseries. The massive increase in women in the workforce would provide all the tax you need to pay for it.

Such an old thread.

It is such an old thread, but click on the OP. She left the lazy arse 4 months after her first post.