Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

but tmmj, I don't really care if (a very tiny) people think of me as quite dull, whereas there is always the implication that by choosing to work, you are not "threre" for your children formative years (therefore with mathematical precision "ruining" their life), living them in the hands of horrible strangers, etc. Isn't it harder to accept?

(tiny minority)

Xenia - maybe I could illustrate my point by telling you what the women in my generation do?

Cousin 1 - ex-advertising in London. Lives in Sydney. 2 children, 17 and 15. Runs holiday course business (creative writing, art, music etc) that she created from scratch in a resort in Fidji. Out of paid work for 15 years (busy travelling round world with husband).

Cousin 2 - lawyer in London. Just had baby no 2. Currently working 10 hours a week. Such a star that she can dictate her terms to her firm. Will up hours when children are older.

Sister - PhD in Architectural History. 3 children (8, 5, 2). Just moved to Amsterdam (because of husband's job). Has academic job in architectural history lined up for this September (9 years out of work, lived in US, UK and Spain in that time, bought and renovated several houses in that time as well as moving, learning new languages etc).

Cousin 3 - works for NHS in Cambridge. Took 1 year out for son when new born, now working 4/5 time.

Cousin 4 - architect in London, very arty and solitary, has always worked full-time, no husband or children.

Cousin 5 - trained as stage lighting director, worked and is now going to university to study Art History. Not at children stage yet but has prepared herself jobwise for that point in her life.

Flexibility IS an option.

tmj - I think you'll find that I'm perfectly entitled to dip and out of things as I chose - that's the beauty of MN.

choose

So why are you reading it?

Anyone reading the thread, franca, would be likely to feel more criticism by stay at home mothers than the other way around but it doesn't matter really. It's important people think about whether they shoudl work full time or not and not think it's a bad option or bad for children but make informed choices. I still don't think we can ever make a completely free choice because we're the product of our genes and upbringing and influence of our peers too.

I didn't mean to pry into your family, Anna. I will be happier when there are more husbands than wives or equal numbers doing the good deals for part time hours. Then I'll feel women do have a fairly free choice in negotiation with their other half where they choose to have another half.

Why do we never get lesbian mothers with children on these threads?

Get back to watching Loose Women, mmj!

Xenia - you didn't pry, I volunteered the info because I think it illustrates that women can have interesting lives while moving in and out of the workforce and taking the opportunities that life presents. My cousin who lives in Sydney went travelling when she was 30 because her husband had made so much money that he wanted to leave the UK to avoid tax. She wasn't a trailing spouse - the two of them decided early in their life together that they wanted to see every country in the world during their lifetime, and they made it happen TOGETHER.

mmj, I leave castration until a Friday afternoon. Gives me something to look forward to.

Xenia, I think there are a couple of lesbiam mums on mumsnet. Can't think of any screennames off hand though.

I do agree that I certainly get slagged off for being a full time working mum (usualy by male colleagues whose wives are SAHM). I was having a chat with a male colleage whose wife works full time and I told him that I prefer to have a boss whose spouse also works full time. I find that men whose wives are SAHMs are less sypathetic to things like children's doctor appoinments and school plays and such. I guess they don't really understand because they don't have to do these things themselves (because of course their wifves do these things for them).

travelling around the world and escaping england's taxes? surely that is interesting enough (must talk to dh)

TMJ - if I could be bothered, which I'm not, I could pick out a number of examples to prove that my statement about slagging off WOHM is in fact true. However, and I may be wrong, I get the feeling you'd just stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and start humminng, so there seems to be no point.

I have never slagged of WOHM, as long as there child is well cared for in their absence then fine. I would however expect the same courtesy from them to SAHms and would not expect to be refered to as "silly women" etc. It is a bit of a case - 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Being a lurker who rarely gets chance to log on anyway, I never usually get involved in these threads but a few things on here have made my blood boil.

mmj - please accept my wholehearted support for your recent comments on this thread. I'm a SAHM (DS 2, plus 6 mo pg) and get that same attitude of eyes glazing over when people find out I don't 'work'. However, I'm happy in the knowledge that by choosing to do things this way, my DH and I are doing the best we can for our DS and the next baby. Other people make the best choices for their families, and we don't judge - what right do we have?

recoveringmum - have you read your post of Thursday 08:49?! Go on - go back and re-read it, preferably when you're feeling more relaxed than when you wrote it.

To paraphrase, you say that SAHMs' children are bored, whine and when not glued to their mothers, arse about to get attention; won't let their dads be with them, aren't good in social situations; SAHMs spend their time in coffee shops on the phone bitching with each other etc etc.

You must be living in cloud cuckoo land if you think that's what your local SAHMs do and don't DARE use rubbish like that to help justify your decision for being a working mum.

You're exactly the kind of woman I felt most pressure from when deciding not to go back. All that, 'if they don't go into childcare aged 6 months, it makes them unsociable' crap. It's insulting!

I'm quite relaxed by nature and see the fruits of that in my very self assured, quietly confident, fun, mad toddler who, by the way, adores his father.

The last time I was in a coffee shop was about a month ago.

Don't patronise SAHMs....and take a chill pill, for God's sake!

waynettaslob - don't try to judge this thread, that's not your role. This is an open and ongoing debate with lots of points of view being shared. Sometimes people voice their opinions strongly, and that's a very good thing. It is much easier to have a good hearty debate about difficult issues within the anonymity of MN.

I have never slagged of WOHM, as long as there child is well cared for in their absence then fine.
This is actually a slag off!
I don't care if people think I'm silly, or that I loose time in coffee shops.

How is what I said a slag off?

it's the as long as. Implying that some children might not be well cared of. Or am I being over analizying?

o gosh, my english is getting worse and worse

Totally over analysing. I wasn't suggesting any children weren't being adequately cared for. I just meant that as long as the child was happy healthy and well cared for then I have no issues with women who work full time (nor do I have issues with those who work part time, don't work at all etc etc). I just find it strange that the one person who has complained the most about the attitude towrds working mothers has been the one who is most scathing about stay at home mums. If she is so against the critism of workers why does she feel it is ok to do the same to the SAHM what about a bit of mutual respect.

Anna I wasn't judging the thread, I was asking a legitimate question which popped into my mind as the thread has developed.
I have no strong opinions on WOHM or SAHM - I can happily play devils advocate for either.
I enjoy arguments / discussions which make me challege my beliefs. As you say, MN is great for reasoned debate - and the key is to keep it reasoned.