Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

I think www has summed it up actually - he does think he has "bought" you as his personal slave because he earns so much. Wheras my dh considers us as a joint partnership, and thinks that he is lucky to have me at home looking after him, thus enabling him to go and be paid, and that we both "earn" his salary

No, he is being an arse.

Shout - he sounds like a lazy arse of a man hiding behind the fact that he has a Big Swinging Dick job and salary. How disgusting that he should say "you get paid to do X, Y, Z". This isn't fecking prostitution where you get paid by the hour, it is called being a wife and mother.

I would FORCE him to sit down and discuss your life together. Call his parents if necessary and tell them how unhappy you are that their son is a tosser. He is the father of your children and should show you a bit more respect.

Tell them if he won't help you, you want a nanny and cleaner. He can PAY them instead of you to do his slavery for him. All the partners in my firm had SAHM wifes who also had cleaners and nannies.

I speak from experience, had similar twat of an ex-boyfriend on high salary. I eventually went and got a career that paid more money than his. So I told him where he could shove his salary. I know you have kids so harder to do this.

You sound very depressed to me if you are comfort eating. Please get some help from someone, your own family if possible.

I hope things get better for you, but if you don't act NOW it will spiral out of control and wreck your life.

You're not being unreasonable - he's being a lazy pig. Not picking up coke cans or leaving dirty plates and clothes lying around is a plain lack of respect for you and your home. It shows he has a serious attitude problem and is giving your children a shocking role model.

At best he is being silly because he doesn't realise how much you graft. At worst -- sorry but he's being a total arse.

Whatever of these -- he certainly needs to appreciate you MUCH more.

I'd bugger off for a few days and let him experience your life.

He won't know what's hit him.

(Before you do ...!)

Also ...

work to rule then ...

ie -- you're a SAHM not a housekeeper or a maid.

So spend the day doing mother tasks.

Let's see how long he tolerates the coke cans, general debris etc before he gets the point.

Leave some of your own stuff about too ...

For me, it's not about what housework he does even, but the sloppiness.
Everyone has different divisions of who does what in terms of housework. I do all of the housework most of the time and this is okay for me. However, what is unacceptable is the idea that my husband would feel it okay to leave coke cans and rubbish on the floor, chuck clothes where he takes them off and walk off from the table leaving his plate. This implies that he thinks of you as his maid, not his wife.

It's disgusting behaviour in my book.

These threads always prompy responses along the lines of "let him know what it's like, don't pick anything up" but I feel that these responses are taking away from the actual issue.

The case a lot of the time with regard to housework issues is that one person cares more about the tidiness than the other. Surely the point is that he doesn't care whether there are coke cans on the floor? Okay, maybe he just thinks that his wife will do it for him, but regardless, at the end of this little test, what's going to happen? There's going to be one big tidy-up and guess who will be the one doing it?

Haven't read all the thread just your OP. Just to say I have 3 children (6 and 2 age 2). My DP earns a big salary, works away a lot, works all hours home and away, has much pressure at work, huge responsibility, never a minute to call his own, sits on planes for hours on end, works weekends, evenings constantly.

Still works hard at being a good father, does laundry, dishes, irons, cooks, opens the bar for me!, makes beds, breaks up squabbling children etc etc. It is a partnership. He works round the clock, so do I. When we are together we share. I do the lions share of the family stuff through the week, he does the lions share of earning the money through the week. Weekends we share most stuff and if he needs to work in the evenings, thats when I do more ironing, laundry or make soup while-shit faced on gin

Big salary does not = lazy-git-opt-out certificate.

I don't mean to sound harsh (I'm rushing) but he needs a short sharp shock IMHO. You are his family not his slaves. A re-launch is needed on the home front. Sorry if I've been short. I'm angry for you. Take care xxx.

True LL ...

You're right actually ... I leave it, then have a strop then am tornado cleaning up ... cos I can't stand it more than he can't!

Actually my DH is pretty good.

Do think there is some merit in taking some days off though ... to give an idea of what life is like for you ... I know when I had some days away recently and DH was in total baby-charge I returned to him saying, 'wow, dunno how you do it, totally in awe ... am gonna do more things to help you out cos I now understand how its is the little things that make the big difference' ... and that was not borne out of me being fed up or him not pulling his weight.

You're in this together. You get more done if you work together therefore ...

When my first child was 18 months I went to a family wedding in Hong Kong. I was split in half about whether to go, but I really did want to. I didn't want to travel that far with an 18month old so I went alone and flew in to HK with just enough time to attend the wedding, stay over and hop back on a plane home. Even so, I was away 4 full days. It was such a good thing for my DP. He's never needed to be taught a lesson as such but he did recognise what hours I was putting in to make our lives run the way we liked.

Could you perhaps take some time out? A few days, maybe over a long weekend so he can't say he's working.....

your DH sounds like mine and I did the leave his stuff there trick only it never seems to bother him.

This is mad. Do you get paid for sex as well?

Sorry, I misread it as he pays you a big enough allowance which means you should be doing all the household jobs.

My husband works outside the home as we need him to have a job that brings in actual money.

I work in the home looking after our three children and the household jobs to enable my husband to go out and earn money to feed us all. The second he comes home he is a dad and gets on with doing whatever needs doing related to the children. He does all the ironing and lots of household jobs, ie cleaning, not just DIY. We are a team and this is what it should be like.

I agree with you Donny in that I guess thats what we all wish we could do some of the time, so that they could see how the other half live as it were. It's a great idea in theory, but it only works if the other half do all the work. All the child looking after AS WELL as all the house and scut work.

Back to the OP, you need to speak to your husband. Do you think that he does nothing because he thinks he can get away with it and has so far, or is it because he thinks it really is his right?

"This is a home not a hotel" is my favourite if family members forget where they are and start acting inappropriately!!!

how much would it cost to stay in a 5* hotel everyday of the year using room service, laundry service, private nanny service etc etc????? A hell of a lot more than Shouts DP could afford I'm sure!!

This is why women should never be housewives. It's demeaning and subservient and always leads to situations like this. Get back to full time work, earn more than him and employ someone to do these dross jobs.

Also if you put on too much weight he's likely to find someone else sadly so I'd watch out for that side of things too as he sounds like the kind of man who has you for a certain purpose at home and I'm sure he sees part of the deal that you also look good for him.

Oh God, Xenia! That's reassuring

or alternatively, if you feel you have something valuable to give your kids by being at home, talk about it with your dh, communicate and come to a point where each mutually respects and values what the other does.

Totally agree about working once the kids are older school age, but Xenia always gives this blanket advice what ever the age of the kids, and bearing in mind that many mums actually do want to care for their own child in the early years, it's not helpful in most cases.

xenia, I really feel for you; is that really, really, what you think? Is that what your relationships have led you to believe about men? Yes, some horror stories are posted on here....but there are so many men who value childcaring, value what's done at home, and would never dream of giving or witholding their love and affection from a woman if she puts on some weight.

It's so shallow, so facile. I hope it isn't really your experience.

Why would you be with someone so shallow if he leaves you for putting on a bit of weight. Xenia you say being a housewife is demeaning, isn't being a sex object one too?

"This is why women should never be housewives. It's demeaning and subservient"

It is only considered demeaning and subservient because of people like you and Shout's dh. Anyone with any intelligence would recognise that to run a home and a family is more than a full-time job. You are perpetuating a myth with comments as above and shows how much contempt you have for caring professions.

"Get back to full time work"
Running a home and caring for a family yourself is full-time work.

"earn more than him"

Why? What he is earning is for the family, not him and he should realise that. It's not a competition.

"Also if you put on too much weight he's likely to find someone else"

In that case she is better off without him.

To Shout - Get a washing basket. Every time he leaves anything lying around put it in the basket. Leave the basket on his chair/at the side of his bed/somewhere he will notice. Tell him to clear it up, you're not his slave. Tell him he does not live in a hotel with staff and the least he could do is clear up after himself. Your work is important,too.

yes deifnitely
eh shodul not lift a finger

well, sorry to be the bitter voice of gloom here. I could've written that post myself even a couple of weeks ago.

My dh also well paid, long hours and hates domestic stuff. After much complaining by me he said point blank he agreed I shouldn't have to do eberything, but he didn't want to so he was happy to pay for a cleaner.

Then I found out yesterday he's having an affair

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