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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
franca70 · 15/03/2007 18:13

I'm not sure whether part time was actually an option in the ussr. I genuinely don't have a clue.
Lets all meet at yellowrose's

Caligula · 15/03/2007 18:14

Ah. NZ.

Yes the YR meeting sounds good. Someone dig out Mars's lemon drizzle cake recipe and we'll be well away...

franca70 · 15/03/2007 18:18

Bet she lives too far away from me...

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 18:59

Isn't the point that I and lots of women enjoy our work? That's the sad thing about people in work they don't like or parents at home who hate it too.

But women are not ineffectivebeings. If you want those societies form them. Women often did in the 1960s and 70s. Instead people sit back and moan. There's nothing to stop you. Buy a big Scottish castle with 6 other families , get broadband and make it work. In fact I'm more hopeful than most people. I see more and more people working for themselves with work they enjoy and often from home. I am often working from home. The children come in and out as they also did when their father was teaching the piano here. The home becomes a sort of integrated work and home place and children see their parents working. You have to make choices and make things happen, not sit around complaing about men who don't help around the house whilst at the same time enabling that pattern.

Anyway whoever said I should be working was right except I wasn't feel very well today so it was a fairly light day, Try to avoid being in positions without power. Being at the bottom of any organisation rarely leads to job satisfaction. Aim to run it or own it. As women you can probably do that better than men anyway as we're superior in a whole load of ways so even more disgusting women have progressed so poorly because they choose to stay home and hoover carpets out of choice.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:11

Gosh, may I say I actually agree with this Xenia:

"Aim to run it or own it. As women you can probably do that better than men anyway as we're superior in a whole load of ways"

That is the BEST thing I have read from you so far.

Scottish castle with broadband, with loads of families living together, I EVEN like that idea.

People do do this, in a less posh way. they live in communes, I met a woman in my La Leche League meeting who lived in communes. She was very happy and had lovely children. I can't do it myself, I am not enough of a sharing living accommodation sort, but I like the idea any way.

Didn't I say I would get off this thread ?
Dh has been house husband today and looking after ds too, I have spent far too much time on MN...

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 19:17

I know. Some travel too in caravans etc. Most communes have tended to descend into petty arguments over who is doing enough chores so it's like rows between husband and wife over cleaning but magnified 10 times I fear. There have been a few supposedly working examples in the press too - one very successful female entrepreneur, can't remember her name, bought a huge house and about 5 families live there. Another one was a very large extended family in a Scottish castle and then of course all my Indian neighbours who live with his parents, two brothers, their chidlren and wives. That's often three women and a grandfather around all day for the children and the two brothers supporting that. Mind you there is another side to it - it can be very difficult indeed to make that communal living work and a lot of people do end up resenting living with their mother in law.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:19

Lol xenia. My auntie often tells me of some friends of her who started a commune in tuscany in the early 80s... it didn't end up very well.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:20

hers

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:24

NO, please I can't live with my MIL, lovely woman, lovely family, I love her son, but she would drive me up the wall with her views on life

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:26

what happened franca, did they argue over who would wipe all the baby bottoms that day ? lol !

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:26

I think I'm the only woman on MN who'd actually quite like to live with her mil.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:29

actually, I used to find wiping the bums quite nice . It's being creative with the children that I can't do with enough enthusiasm...
I think they had ideas of self sufficiency, which unfortunately failed, and their friends would send them parcels of clothes and food.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:31

I have lived with mine for weeks at a time, I have to say I prefer FIL, he is a lot more logical. I wouldn't mind living with FIL, although he is trying to teach nearly 3 year old ds algebra ! He says it is never too early to do maths and algebra

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:32

NO you are supposed to knit things and grow your own organic food, etc...getting parcels is cheating

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:32

I spend lots of time with pil, because when we go back to italy (often) we stay with them and with my parents. My mil is truly amazing, wonderful woman.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:33

They were starving!

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:35

Ah, that is why commune life would never work for me, I am too lazy grow my own food !

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:36

It is so nice that you get on so well with MIL - it is quite rare !

franca70 · 15/03/2007 19:37

I'm too lazy for everytning yr, and that's where all my problems come from. Anyway off to put the dc to bed (I know, still holding on to italian habits). ciao

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 19:39

ciao

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 20:08

I've had an allotment nad my mother in her hey day was one of the only female allotment holders in the North East. Men escaped their wives out there only to find a woman on the next plot.

recoveringmum · 18/03/2007 10:45

magicgenie - hate to bring up an old post but i did read my 849 post and really not sure why you took it so hard. in all my posts n this thread i say the same thing - a mom is the best mom if she is happy with herself - wether working or not.

wht are so many sahms upset that other women work? because they think we do not have enough time to raise our children right or give them enough love?

Judy1234 · 18/03/2007 11:17

Presumably because they think it means we criticise their own choice, which must mean some of them are a bit unsure about their own position, perhaps which you can understand in a country which doesn't particularly value housewives and their skills.

I do try not to be neutral deliberately because I think debate over what is right or wrong can be helpful and you rarely see comments about the advantages to children of both parents working and there seem to be few advocates for that stance but a lot of people who say make a choice and live and let live. I also think part time work rarely does mothers much good either - perhaps better a housewife appreciated as such than pulled from both sides neither one thing nor the other although many seem to think it's the best compromise.

MadamePlatypus · 18/03/2007 13:29

I am a bit confused by the logic of it being best for all mothers to work full-time. For there to be enough people around to look after the children there would have to be a huge increase in the provision of childcare. I suppose you would get some people who would want to carry on being childminders/nannies/nursery nurses until they were 70, but, I can't help thinking it would just mean that we would all be paying each other to 'swap children'. Somebody has to look after my children when they are little so why not me. Would it be better if I called it a gap year and pretended I had gone off to South America to find myself? Meanwhile, I don't see myself working full-time until the children are quite a bit older. Would it be better to say that I am just embracing the slow movement rather than admit that, if finances permit, I would rather pick up the children at 3pm and go to the park than sit at my desk till 6pm.

Judy1234 · 18/03/2007 16:13

That's what happens in loads of countries which eventually UK women will catch up with. We're just a bit behind but we're getting there and largely they do it because they want to work actually. Work is fulfilling and looking after your own children 12 hours a day is not for many of them/us. Most countries int he West have children at some form of nursery school at least part time from age 2 or 3 and the rest of the working day yes, women and men may choose to look after them for pay. Anyway it does work abroad so I don't see why not here.