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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
yellowrose · 15/03/2007 14:24

Anna - totally off topic, but fun !

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 14:34

comeoveneer - I think it is Xenia who is totally polarised ("all women should work full time all their lives") and, while I disagree with her, I think that her very extreme position creates the depth of this debate, with people counterarguing.

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 14:49

Only because I was trying to right the balance, given all the rubbish thrown at working mothers all the time in the press and you rarely hear working is better for children expounded, do you?

The "only" comment appiles both ways. Fine for parents to work only if their children are properly looked after. Fine for ap arent to stay at home only if they look after the children properly. Some don't. Some are hopeless and the child is spared an awful under 5s time with an unhappy mother or father who isn't good with small children. Sadly love doesn't automatically qualify you for 24/7 chidcare.

Is there more of a divide by the way between younger and older mothers even - do it in your early 20s and fit it into your life as a whole or career first, then second career put my all into being a Perfect stay at home mother, textbook in hand aim to produce perfect child, this is my second career kind of thing?

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 14:52

Xenia - I certainly think that there is a school of thought that says that women can "have it all" simultaneously and another one that says they can "have it all" sequentially.

For me it was terribly important to travel, work in different countries, make friends and (dare I say it) meet lots of different men in my twenties. So I couldn't have it all simultaneously because my lifestyle didn't allow for children and husband as well.

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 14:55

Don't agree. Men can work full time and have children at the same time and many women manage that too. Anyway I'd better get on with work.

Perhaps the greatest divide is between those of us who are parents and those who aren't.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 14:58

Well, nobody could have had my life between 24 and 32 and had children... it was all way too busy (and amazing fun).

I just couldn't have hacked being married and stuck in England in my twenties.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:02

anna, yes salina is amazing... we go every year

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:02

Where do you stay? We stayed at Hotel Signum.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:06

the hotel signum is beautiful! dh's parents have a house, near leni

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:07

oh you are so lucky to have a house to go to. Is your husband Italian too?

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:10

yes, I know. It's great because it means we can go with friends too, whom we miss a lot.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:10

yes, he is italian

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:11

Are you going to return to Italy one day? Where are you from?

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:15

Milano. Doesn't look like it. Dh is a lectuerer at university, and you probably know what the system is like there. Slim chance I can find a job too ... hehehe, I haven't work for ages, and this is one of the reasons why I see many of xenia's point. However, the problem for me has always been in my lack of self confidence rather than a choice to stay at home with the children... anyway, story of my life, a bit boring. are you english then?

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:17

Yes, I'm English but I've lived outside the UK for most of my life since I was 12. I come from a long line of expatriates so it just sort of happened.

franca70 · 15/03/2007 15:18

anyway, got to go picjk up ds from school, will come back later on. Threads like this are always very emotional etc, but I find them very useful to reflect on my/other women's choices

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:18

I'm sure you CAN find a job if you want one, what skills do you have?

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 15:23

Women who stay home with children sometimes underestimate their ability to move back into work. Women in general (the DTI and Business Link have done loads of studies on this) also tend to be risk averse so many don't set up businesses even when they have fantastic, original ideas. I wish more women would consider running a business from home or being self-employed from home.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:35

yellowrose - yes, and women are terrible at negotiating salaries/pay rises etc for themselves.

My cousin who is a lawyer took 1 year maternity leave with her first baby. She decided that she DID want to return to work, and that her ideal hours while her baby was small would be 10-3 on Monday and 10-3 on Friday. So she went to her employer and said - I'll come back but only if you give me those hours. And her employer said - yes, of course, you are so brilliant at what you do that we will do anything to keep you and to help you maintain your skills until your children get a bit older and you can return full time.

We women need to learn to try it on.

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 15:48

I know Anna. I was in a similar position as your cousin, but the type of legal work I did was not conducive to part time work. I didn't ask to renegotiate my contract as it would have resulted in a demotion in the firm. They looked down their noses at women who came back after having children, no matter how brilliant a lawyer you were, you would still be a PART-TIMER. One poor woman got pregnant "by accident", you should have seen the gossip she got when she came back part time after having her baby.

If I am going to work I want the status, paycheque, and respect that I deserve as someone who is highly educated/skilled AND has a child. Self-employement in the way forward for me. I don't ever wish to work for a boss again. I feel very strongly about it. I have said it on this thread and others, working for others is not the ONLY option we have as mothers.

Anna8888 · 15/03/2007 15:53

yellowrose - I agree, working for others is not the only route.

I worked for myself latterly and found it much more satisfactory. And there is a huge advantage in being a "second earner" (which I wasn't before) - you don't need such a regular paycheck, so it is much easier to do the kind of academic and consulting work I did with very irregular cashflow.

Judy1234 · 15/03/2007 15:57

yr - was this a typo? "They looked down their noses at women who came back after having children, no matter how brilliant a lawyer you were, you would still be a PART-TIMER." Thousands of women return to full time work in jobs like that and comparable ones every day of the week in the City. No assumption a women will or will want to return part time please. Not on this thread after all we've said..... and why would they want to be part time anyway?

What does interest me is time with children. Some people are appalled I think 2 hours a day is about what I enjoy with my children even at weekends and even on holidays. Yet many other parents feel the same and loads of fathers of course too and they're loving good parents. Why is that so shocking? Lots of stay at home mothers would like help with the children and less time with the children so they can do stuff they want to. Surely that's just how most people are rather than some kind of heresy or denial of your parenthood because you don't want to spend 12 continuous hours dealing with the toddler.

ComeOVeneer · 15/03/2007 15:58

Xenia how is insulting SAHM, calling them silly women, and morally wrong, not fit, take no care in their appearance etc righting the balance. As I said 2 wrongs don't make a right. I have your attitude towards SAHM highly offensive and I think as fellow women they deseve some respect.

ssd · 15/03/2007 16:03

Xenia

FGS!! you've spent all day on this thread, go and do your bloody work!

yellowrose · 15/03/2007 16:12

No it is not a typo. I would not wish to return to any job where I would have to ask my bosses to give me time with ds. He is my child, why do I have to ask someone for time off ? That is my view of my particular situation. No offense or insult meant to anyone. If you are lucky enough to go back to an employer who gives you the FREEDOM I have now, you are very very lucky. I dictate my life and my conditions. Not my boss.

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