Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

He sounds lazy. Do you really have appointments to discuss everyday matters? Stick the towels and coke cans in his briefcase he will soon get the message.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
He gets paid a good salary to do his job. When he is not at work, the amount of money he is paid is irrelevant. You should be a team, a partnership. Also should add that you being a sahm enables him to work longer hours at his "important job" (snorts - as if what you are doing is not important, pah).

He needs to take his head out of his arse and knuckle down.

Seriously I would not expect him to do much housework as he works long hours. But clearing up after himself is not housework it is just common courtesy if you share a house with someone else. I don't know what to suggest he sounds quite immature.

While money is really irrelevant, if he wants to play it that way, work out a salary for a 24 hour on call nanny, cook, cleaner, chauffeur and present him with the bill.

Your husband is being totally unreasonable.

My partner also has a big job and I stay at home. I therefore manage the household and take care of the family TO THE EXTENT that they cannot care for themselves because they are too young and developmentally not able to do so or they are out at work and school. I am not, however, a nursemaid running around people and doing things they are just too lazy to do for themselves. So everyone has to tidy up after him or herself.

My sister's husband (also a big job, she a SAHM) once said to her about some household task she asked him to do "I don't do that, I have an MBA". To which she replied "I don't do that either, I have a PhD". The point: basic caring for oneself is totally independent of work responsibilities, money earned, job prestige, just a common courtesy to those you live with (and supposedly love).

I don't think any partner that works out of the home has an excuse to be lazy! I don't care what his hours are. Nothing prevents him for throwing his rubbish in the bin or even putting his plate in the sink.

The man needs a reality check! You didn't sign up to be his unpaid slave. It's about give and take and so far what I have read it's all take on his part.

Get a cleaner

Agree with nogoes - if you are a SAHM then I would say you do the bulk of the housework. However, it sounds like he's just taking advantage of you adn treating you like a slave - putting his clothes away, being sensible about where to hang wet towels and putthing his dishes by the sink is not too much to ask.

I wouldn't put up with it that's for sure.

I am going through this as well. I have just had an argument with DH about it all. Since becoming a SAHM I feel he thinks I should be really grateful. He can't seem to see how soul destroying it can be to be the one who is constantly tidying, shopping, thinking about what to eat etc. He never seems to want to take the kids to the park, swimmingetc and I feel sorry for myself and dc when it is always me in the park on sundays with a load of Dads. He has taken 2dc to the park now but he is really cross with me.

I am seriously considering getting some paid work, to try and re-dress the balance in our relationship. I don't really want to as DD is not yet 2 and I regretted working with my 2 DS.

It feels as though he gets cross if I try to assert myself. I am at a loss to know how to sort the problem out.

I agree with Mars, being a SAHM shouldn't = slavery.

(PS when you say high, how high? Go on, do tell! I'm interested to know what salary makes a man think he doesn't have to pull his weight!)

I worked out what I reckoned you'd need to pay to replace a sahm who does everything on another thread, I'll see if I can find it.

He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

Why does his high salary enable him to be inconsiderate, thoughtless and irresposible?
If he earns that much why can't he pay someone to sort out stuff around the house? You aren't his slave.

Leave flat tyres and blocked toilet until he has to sort it out. Are they tyres on his car or yours? If he earns so much surely someone can come and repair tyes. Coke cans ties etc show lack of thought for you IMO. I would leave them where they fall tbh.

Everyone ones in our house leaves shoes bags coats etc inside kitchen door. I now sling them outside if they are left there. Works very well

Copied and pasted from another thread:

Xenia, I disagree with: "By Xenia on Fri 29-Dec-06 23:41:00 Is it not just that childcare and house work is worth one rate per hour but if the worker earns say £150k a year that's more than the economic value of the childcare and cleaning and perhaps even sexual services you are providing at home therefore the partner doesn't feel like a 50% of his income reflects your contribution?" Well, I've been talking about doing this for ages, but if you add up the cost of a ft housekeeper a ft nanny and night nanny a ft cleaner a ft prostitute (hmm) You'd be very close to 50% of £150k

Actually, I've just done a quick calculation, based on a ft nanny @ £400/week, a night nanny 7 nights a week, a ft housekeeper and a cleaner for just 5 hours a week. Figures from various googled agencies and er, even without prostitution it works out at £71k. And that's the rate you'd have to PAY (i.e. earn net) so you'd have to earn considerably more than this gross. Ooh, more than £150k atually.

And that £71k would get you:
f/t childcare at nanny rates, which would be 37.5 hours/week
f/t housekeeping, ditto, 37.5hrs
f/t night nanny at £80/night for 7 nights(Ok, so you might not need to get up every night if you're a sahp but actually, often every night for the first year or so)
a cleaner for just 5 hours/week at a tenner an hour.
Take out the housekeeper and it's STILL £52k, without any prostitution involved at all. So actually, if you measure a SAHP's contribution to a household in pure monetary terms it IS worth half of £150k a year.

What a lazy tw@t!! I earn more than my dh, but we share the housework equally - I cook, and do the washing, he washes up and does the ironing and when we do general cleaning we do it together.
And as for making appointments, WTF? You're his WIFE not his bl00dy secretary. Give him a good slap I say .
Don't you let yourself feel undervalued just because you are a SAHM. Being a wife and mother full time is hard work and you should be rewarded for it. Be assertive with him and don't let him treat you like his skivvy. If he earns that much, why doesn't he hire a cleaner to help you out? Does he help with kids at all? I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to take this kids out somewhere (even if just to the local park) at the weekend to give you some time to yourself.
Good luck xx

This thread needs Custy....

Bill him for all (and I mean all) your services, then see who gets the higher salary...

any one above the age of, say, 8? should take his own plates from the table, hang up towels and put dirty clothes in the laundry basket. it is a matter of respect. not being reasonable.

you are his wife. not his mother.

Shout, your dh sounds really inconsiderate and well...I would be swearing if I said what I really think he is, lol!
You are, going by your post, not actually asking him to the everyday running of the household, you are asking him to be considerate and he obviously isn't and is taking the piss.
I mena, obviously he can't, I assume, change anything if he is working weekends/evenings...however, he can and should change his behaviour when he is at home.
It doesn't sound like you have a Partnership...I can't beleive you hvae to make appointments to talk to him about stuff...!
I just wonder if there are underlyng problems in your relationship. Has it always been like this?

Tell him he needs to pay for a housekeeper - you are his wife and need more time to spend with your children and him rather than tidying up constantly - maybe arrange to go out for dinner, take time out for yourself and buy some new clothes. If he earns enough then a quite reasonable request - he is clearly oblivious to how you feel so you might as well take the pressure of yourself.

I'm interested in how much he earns as well.

I'm a SAHM whose dh earns a good salary (Ok excellent - I'm not going to show him www's workings as he could easily afford to replace me - and have plently left over to pay for sex!) I don't expect my dh to do any housework - I have a cleaner, and some childcare, so I have the time to tidy, cook, wash up, do washing etc. But I do not expect my dh to show the lack of respect that yours does. Everyone in this house (even dd (4) and ds(2)) clears their own plates and puts their own rubbish in the bin, even if it's me who loads teh diswasher and puts the bins out. Everyone puts their own dirty washing in the laundry bins, even though I then do it and out it away. But I'm not (as dd loves to remind ds) anyones's slave.
TBH I wouldn't expect dh to check tyres or unblock loos - because he wouldn't know how. But I use the money he earns to pay someone else to do it.

I don't think your issue is how responsibilities are shared, but how little he respects you and what you do. But you myy (and only in his unreasonable view) have nagged him so much about doing "things" that he feels unnappreciated as well, and this has led to the lack of respect he shows to you.

yes and you should also have an orgasm at the mere sight of him and never age or sag.

I'm going to use a technical term here - he's being a prick.

I have to say that leaving his meal plates on the table, and his towels and clothes on floor for you to deal with is just GROSS.

I would have absolutely zero respect for somebody who can act this way.

Earning alot does not come with a ticket that says "husband and father responsibilities no longer apply".

Yes he can expect you to do a large chunk of the household stuff IF you have time and energy once kids are dealt with, but being at work does not mean he can be utterly gross and disgusting to live with.

I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that. Keep on at him, keep going - you're right and he is the one who is being unreasonable.

There's nothing sexy or appealing about a man who gets up after having his dinner and leaves his plate for someone else, it's just pathetic.

PLEASE tell us how much . We're all agog and want to know how much a man considers 'buys' his wife in this way