Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

[Shout]

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

Tuter - glad to hear it..!

ssd, the amount the rich husband earns isn´t particularly relevent. The point is they earn more than enough to support the whole family. Why is it so important to put a figure to it?

and sunnysideup, totally agree with tidying up issue. my ds is nine and does chores to help me. (even dd aged 3 is asked to help in her own little way) my mother thinks im cruel, but they need to know the tidy fairies dont do it all! no excuse to leave crap around the house. it doesn't take two seconds to put a packet in the bin, or clothes in the laundry basket.

I can kind of see where X. is coming from..

earning as much or more as dp is an insurance policy of sorts...also, am guessing X.'s notion of feminism is quite different to a number of other posters..

.'middle-class' feminism always makes me balk, but that is a class issue for me.

Historically atleast, X. will have absorbed the lessons of early feminism in this country, and a lot of that was based in economic inequality for women (hence the equal pay for equal work campaigns), and being well-paid, that may be her personal axis in such matters.

Domesticity being a drudge?? !! Nah. IF I ever meet a high-flyer who wishes a sahd, and who is lovely in all other regards, I'd rip her well-turned and manicured hand off!

And the OP's dh DOES need a swift slap. And to make such light of a serious issue reeks of arrogance....."mastercard" doesn't buy everything.

All IMVHO.....

my dh is like the op, except for the high salary, just the long hours, but i work too, but no hel from him so i work double!

actually there is hel from him, but not help!

Shout, I think that the carve-up of jobs in the home are a symptom rather than a cause of issues in your relatioship.

Clearly your self-esteem is taking a battering right now. Your dh is obviously feeding his via his job, and hence your relationship doesn't matter as much to his self-esteem. I think that you need to consider what it would take for you to feel good about yourself ignoring your dh right now. What is it that you enjoy, or excel at? I'm not quite with the Xenia line of go out and earn more than him, though I think that that does work for some women. If you don't enjoy the day to day aspects of housework then get a cleaner. Perhaps you can get some childcare to give yourself time to do something for you. Perhaps it is a case of dusting off the address book and goign out to the cinema with some girlfriends. But if everything else was going well with your life you wouldn't be reverting to comfort eating. You'd have turned up at his place of work and had it out with him.

I suspect some counselling may help you to crystalise some of your views about yourself.

tell him that you are a sahm & that is what you do all day. Picking up his extra mess is making you into his servant. If he continues he can use some of his fat paycheck to pay for a daily maid who will do these jobs as you don't have time.

Does this mean that if your DH/DP earns not that much money (even if it's hard graft, even if they work 18 hour days) they have to come home and do all the housework too?

Surely that isn't how a marriage is meant to work?

And as others have said, it sounds like there are bigger issues going on here. I do most of the domestic work at home because DH works, and I don't really. Which is fine. But he doesn't treat me like his skivvy when he's home!

I can understand the "insurance policy" theory of earning lots of money. However, and obviously it is NOT as straightforward as that.

Every adult is different, with different skills in differently paid sectors. It is not a case of choosing not to earn more than your partner (whether male or female) but it is very often a case of not being able to, for all sorts of reasons, including family circumstances (just take a look at that post in 'Going Back to Work' called "I can't afford to work').

In any case, where would society be if all of a sudden, all the women employed in sectors such as nursing, childcare, teaching, retail, office work, factory work and so on, decided (because up until now they've all been apparently not making full use of their earning potential ...... yeah right) to leave their jobs and become high flying self employed lawyers, CEOs or hedge fund managers ??? Just like that. Of course.

And does any of what I've written really need to be pointed out to any sane, logical, normal adult ?

My notion of feminism is that I refuse to EMPLOY another WOMAN to work around the house for me or to look after my son.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a career cleaner or nanny, but do not these jobs simply PERPETUATE the myth that women are only capable of doing cleaning and or childcare ?

There is such a thing as being a phoney feminist.

my cleaner is a man too

earnest -- hope you are ok

nightowl, your question, is it more about independence issues for me? In part. I don't think I'd like to be reliant on a man for money but I'm divorced unlike most of you and didn't have a very happy marriage. I know some people don't have it so bad.

However there are enough people on this thread with similar issues - husbands thinking they earn £X therefore they shouldn't have to do XYZ at home. Also some women at home are lazy and bad at their job - housework etc by the way. We don't have awful working mothers who do nothing at home and then these paragon perfect housewives who are great at keeping the house tidy. Sometimes they're bad at the job and the husband has every right to complain. I've even seen debates on mn saying the job is child care and there's no obligation to clean at all which is ridiculous. If you're home all day he's surely entitled to find the house work etc is largely done whilst he's out.

ernest, well there's a point isn't it? Working women who haev to look good for work, shine professionally and dress well may be are more attractive than housewives and perhaps men prefer working women. if they don't I shall make my application to the convent now.....

Oh, catsmother, I agree with what you say by the way.

I think that it is crucial that women work, but it is NOT crucial that they return to work 3 days after giving birth like many of my former colleagues did. That is a cop out from motherhood. Feminism does not have an issue with motherhood, in case anyone was wondering

Xenia

FGS.

Last part of your post.

I'm a SAHM and I take care of pretty much everything, pink jobs, blue jobs, bills, DIY. He is pretty good with kids, though, when he is there, but he works away quite a lot too.
We have a cleaner which he pays for, so if thats his contribution, fine. I'm not complaining.
If he doesn't put his clothes in the washing basket, they don't get washed.
If he leaves a wet towel on the bed, it gets dumped on the pile of clean clothes he hasn't put away in the last 2 months.
My DP is NOT my child, and whilst I do the cooking, tidying, most childcare I'm, first and foremost, a SAHM. That's why I stopped working, to look after our children. Anything else I do for him is a bonus.
He's still got it pretty good. Make it clear that you aren't asking for much, just that he takes responsibility for himself.

When he has no clean knickers in his drawer he'll understand.

Very good point from sunnysideup about making your own children into the sort of person who behave like the OP's husband.

My own MIL is absolutely lovely, doesn't stop for a moment and has always picked up after her 3 kids and husband. Admirable in some respects for sure, but I'm certain that's what's made my dh the way he is today. Has made me more determined to make my dd aware that she has to help out.

Has the OP STILL not told us HOW much?

come on come on

tell the idiotic git that his salary will soon be the reaosn he wont be allowed to live in the house anymore

oh Xenia, that whole thing is very recent for ernest (in case you didn't know - she has a thread somewhere - you may be able to help her)

and as you are a divorcee and on your own, perhaps you're not the best person to be doling advice out on what men want

gawd can i just squeak up for a lot of men -- who do earn decent salaries etc, do value the contribution the partner makes to the family life, do keep it in their trousers, do 'see' the woman they love through skinny, babyweight gain etc ...

do respect...

there are good ones out there

sure they dont praps get so stressed about towels on the floor (and i know the op is deeper than that)

but lets not forget that ???

Xenia, I agree that a person out at work all day should come home to find a certain amount of things done - eg dishes from breakfast and lunch, and the house generally tidy. I don't mind putting dh's clothes away for him, but I DO object to picking things up after him. I expect him to be able to put dirty clothes in the basket / machine, his dishes in the sink and to just generally clear up behind him.

As for your point about sahm vs working mums, who's to say that a sahm can't look good? Surely not all working women do always look good for work, and not all sahm's look a mess!? Any man appreciates a woman who take the time to look after herself, but it's a huge generalisation to say that it's only working women that do this.

If they are very rich and have assets hard to hide then they get scared of divorce cost so I suppose you can use that as a weapon too.

As for clearing up I never understood feminists' arguments that it's wrong to employ people to help you. That's the socialist feminist point of view. There's nothing wrong with cleaning. I've done loads of it over the last 20 years and I'd do it for money if that's all I could find but if women want an equal fair place in the world I don't see why they can't hire mannies or even nannies to help them.

My teenagers are fairly good and independent in fact because I work so they do more than those with stay at home mothers who over mother them sometimes (not always) so they never learn how to cook a meal. But they're normal teenagers and anyone with those knows they can be untidy and it certainly stopped a lot of pointless rows over 10 years to have someone else we pay to clean up. i don't think it's made them lazy. It's probably made them want jobs where they can afford help with tasks they may not enjoy.

lb, I agree and DL too. In fact ignore what I've written because the key issue on the thread is really love, looking after your partner in a relationship and working things out so you keep each of you happy. I think most couples manage the balance of what they do reasonably well whether they work or not because they love each other and want things to work and they don't want the other person to be unhappy. If you've been in a fairly abusive marriage like I was or you've the OP's problems or ernest - husband having affair - it's a very different thing.