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Original poster

Should my DH high salary exclude him from doing jobs at home

671 replies

Shout · 11/03/2007 12:43

I am at stay at home home Mum with 2 DS my husband has quite an important job and his salary reflects it. Everytime he has to work weekends or evenings he says that is what I am being paid for.

My biggest grip is that he is getting lazier around the house, meal plates left at the table coke cans around the house, cuff links ties left out and gets more out,gets changed from work, suit and dirty washing left on bed for me to clear wet towels ,floor. The kids get 10 mins of play fighting then he watches his programs/or is on the computer.If he doesn't want to do anything he just ignores it or says its not a problem eg tyres are not flat, toilet isn't blocked!

When ever I get cross that he doesn't do his fair share he says in a jokey mannner but I get paid so much.
I asked him several times to make an appointment to discuss situation he kept avoiding it, I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, it took him 3 days to get round to reading it and never responded.

I am back to comfort eating putting on weight and feeling crap about myself, hence all physical contact is virtually non exsistent.

Any advise out there?

OP posts:
yellowrose · 11/03/2007 19:29

DonnyLass - my dh is one of the good ones !

edam · 11/03/2007 19:29

Only read OP, he's a selfish arse. He still eats, sleeps and poos so he still has to clear up after each of those activities. If he's lucky enough to have four limbs that work, he should use them. Before you have to resort to chopping anything off...

lilybubble · 11/03/2007 19:29

But why should OP say how much her husband earns? Seriously, it's quite personal. Also, it doesn't take into account a lifestyle, debts, overheads etc, so while 50k is peanuts to some, it's a fortune to others. I don't think it's really all that relevant?

If it's enough for a comfortable and happy lifestyle to support 2 kids, with no worries then it's immaterial whether it's 50k or 500k really, isn't it? If he does earn 500k he will be judged far more harshly than if he earns 50 / 25k?

DonnyLass · 11/03/2007 19:33

love -- taking pleasure in the simple act of caring

re the op ...

why dont you put this quote from laurie lee to your bloke and get him to see that it isnt about money

it is about caring for someone else and considering their needs above your own

DonnyLass · 11/03/2007 19:34

edam - marvellous post!

beckybrastraps · 11/03/2007 19:37

Xenia. You old softy...

nightowl · 11/03/2007 19:40

xenia you say you wouldnt like to be reliant on a man for money but you said recently that most women have partners (dont know the thread, gawd there have been so many), to look after the children/or take turns so the woman can work full time. surely that's still being reliant on a man?

you say that a woman being a SAHM means a man will take advantage and expect them to do all the chores.

you also warn them to not put on weight in case their man strays.

"men prefer working women"? i thought your point was that if we work full time we don't need a man to rely on?

your posts are contrary to the extreme..i cant think of any other examples right now, there are too many.

what exactly do you beleive in? honest question.

your posts dont really come across as feminist to me, they come across that everything is intended to please a man, to show him how successful one can be because that will make him stick around. if you're not doing these things to please yourself, then what's the point?

WideWebWitch · 11/03/2007 19:41

The OP doesn't have to say what her h earns, not at all but I am fascinated and want to know what amount makes him think he's bought her in this way. That's all.

SenoraPostrophe · 11/03/2007 19:45

no.

But the op does say that he says it in a jokey manner. perhaps he knows he's being unresonable? if not, I'd be inclined to present him with a bill.

Anna8888 · 11/03/2007 19:45

Nightowl - I think you are right that Xenia is very confused and doesn't understand that life is full of choice (gain but also loss) and compromise.

No woman can have it all simultaneously. I know lots who have tried and it always ends in either career coming to shuddering halt, divorce or a complete mental breakdown.

CODalmighty · 11/03/2007 19:46

oht he OP is LONnnnnnnnng gone

funnythat

nightowl · 11/03/2007 19:47

i think xenia is a very intelligent (albeit infuriating at times) woman, and that her posts smack of being hurt very badly some time in the past. but i could just be talking shit, its what im good at.

Tutter · 11/03/2007 19:51

have to add

dh works hard and is a relatively high earner

i'm a sahm

he's working on the laptop all night

but is taking a 5 min break to make our dinner while i MN

(sorry to be smug)

Anna8888 · 11/03/2007 19:51

Nightowl - I agree, I think Xenia is intelligent and insightful about many things but just hasn't got her head around the idea that if you fill your life to the brim something has to give at some point.

CODalmighty · 11/03/2007 19:52

OH FGS dont be so rude
you dont knwo ehre fomr adam
dont analsye someone online who isnt even aorund
how rude

nightowl · 11/03/2007 19:56

oh jeez cod i was trying to stick up for her. i wont bother again.

CODalmighty · 11/03/2007 19:56

god not you
the other one

FioFio · 11/03/2007 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Glassofwine · 11/03/2007 20:02

I am a SAHM, but I'm hoping that's about to change as I'm studying for a new career. My dh earns well, works long hours etc However as soon as he walks in the door it's team effort, why should his working day stop, but mine carry on?

Right now he's putting children to bed, later he'll cook (because he prefers to). I'm studying (MN is a 5 min break - honest!)

The line I continually say and dh and I both believe is that I didn't give up a good career to clean - who would? I gave it up to bring up my children and I don't clean that much after them either.

niceglasses · 11/03/2007 20:05

Sorry not read all thread either, but sounds like lazy arse-itis to me too. I have 3 under 6 and my dh works very long hours for a goodish salary, is away an awful lot lately, but really is good around the place. Tell him to buck up. Gawd. Lazy arse. And anyway, doesn't he want to help, want to be part of the family? Lordy Loo. Poor You.

lilybubble · 11/03/2007 20:10

www - fair enough!

shout - you still around?

yellowvan · 11/03/2007 20:10

Have only skim read thread but omg omg poor you and what tw*ty behaviour from your dh.
You need to talk to him seriously
Start small eg When you don't take yr plate out it makes me feel like a waitress but I'm not your waitress. Please take it out when you have finished
Work on one behaviour at a time
Thank him when he does it
Then move onto the next thingg.
Don't let your chn see him treat you this way, they will copy and then where will you be??
Don't try and address it all at once, he will stop listening (he is a man)
One thiing at a time and you will get through to him

Oh and totally agree with ppl saying find your own interests/me time, It will help you feel more grounded when you speak to him, and less stuck.

Best of best of luck x

nightowl · 11/03/2007 20:12

ive never been bollocked for trying to be nice before .. perhaps i dont do nice very well. going to bath the kids now, have no wish to argue online, i do well enough in real life! .

to op..he should pick up his towels and his rubbish, its only fair.

Judy1234 · 11/03/2007 20:19

Hang on are you two saying that men can have work and children but women can't? That's an appalling suggestion. Of course they can. Many many women do. Obviously it would suit stay at home mothers to think that you can't work full time and have a happy marriage and children but that's not the case and my own example of being divorced was not because of my work. There was a nice book written by Valerie Grove Compleat woman on marriage and motherhood which is worth reading - she interviewed women, married a long time - 20 years plus, happily married with large families, at least 4 children, who worked. It is full of interesting stories and how couples organise their lives. One couple setup a nursery school in their basement when their children were young which solved thier child care issues etc.

As to whether I'm confused, I don't know. I think I'm reasonably consistent. I don't think it always suits women world wide to rely on men for money as men disappear and fail to support women so you're taking quite a risk unless you're very sure of your partner and you only have to look at this and many other threads to see that men do disappear and not pay etc. Yes, if you have children and both work you're still reliant on each other for all kinds of things and I don't think dependence is wrong in close loving relationships at all, it's necessary but I don't see why it should always be woman serving cleaning up dependence and men getting the more fun bits. I would prefer after my divorce if their father would either pay or help with the children but he chooses to do neither but that's not typical.

I only mentioned the weight thing because it's in the original post and I'm sure it's not rocket science to say if your partner becomes unattractive whether he's male or female then there's bound to be less sexual attraction.

""men prefer working women"? i thought your point was that if we work full time we don't need a man to rely on?" - if you work full time you would ideally hav a nice loving marriage too. Of course you would although some people prefer to be single, but not most.

"your posts dont really come across as feminist to me, they come across that everything is intended to please a man, to show him how successful one can be because that will make him stick around. if you're not doing these things to please yourself, then what's the point?" I think men and women should try to please each other when they're together. It ought to be mutual and it usually is when it works out.

Interesting issue on money - if he earns say £10m a year does that change what he can expect to do or not do at home? There's a court of appeal judgment just been reserved in a divorce case at the moment where he thinks £20m is enough (all the woman did was mind his children and keep house so she wasn't sitting there building his career and he could have bought in those serviecs anyway) and she wants to keep the £48m she was awarded. So post divorce the value of these things do have to be worked out. During marriage they don't in quite the same way.

DominiConnor · 11/03/2007 20:23

going back to thed OP, I think DH just needs to be educated a bit.
I've been in his position, and frankly am a slob. A real slob. People who hear the tales of my slobbines tend to think they're exaggerated. The time my house got so untidy I lost a door is true...

So I have people to do tidying cooking etc. The trick as the wife of someone like me, is not to be that person.
Trust me, confrontation is not the way here.
A lot of energy gets used in that sort of job, and just because I'm awake, doesn't mean I'm fit for conversation, let alone complex DIY, I'd bet money DH is like that.

The money is both the cause and the cure.

Hire a cleaner, at around 7-10 quid an hour. If he complains, point to the mess.

I wonder if the computer is a refuge from the extra stress at home, which I accept is mostly his fault ?

Again, money is a way to make this less bad.
Get a babysitter, and go out for the night, preferably starting from his workplace. That's important as a gear shift thing, you need to avoid him getting into "crash-out" mode.
Do this more than regularly.

If he earns decent dosh, then a weekend away from the kids is in order. Weekend baby sitters can be found, again it's money.

There's more, but does this approach sound feasible ?