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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2017 07:41

So at his oldest, he's 23 and you 29. Or youngest 21 and 27. Both a massive age gap. I'm not surprised you're having issues with him. He needs to stop being a child. I expect part of the problem is that you've set up a parent/child relationship with him, you being the parent. This won't work until you're both acting like adults.

skerrywind · 21/04/2017 07:42

This isn't a good environment for your baby either.

He undermines you, erodes self esteem, is a poor role model.

OP sorry- you have made a big mistake here.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 07:43

No he didn't give her the chance to correct her behaviour, he instantly flung her arm away.

I didn't tell him off at all, I asked him to explain to her why he'd snatched them off her. He can't be telling her not to do something only to copy the behaviour surely!

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 21/04/2017 07:44

You were very very stupid to move him in and have a child with him so quickly, how can you have a baby with someone you can hardly know?

But it's done now. And hes a dick and you will be forever linked to him through your child together. But don't let your DD1 grow up with a man who doesn't realise that three year olds are not small adults, who doesn't value her, and who will forever take his DDs side over hers no matter what.

LTB. You can control how you parent both your children, you will never be able to control him whether you live together or not. And as your eldest gets older and more "difficult" with opinions and likes and dislikes, he will treat her worse and worse.

Phoebefromfriends · 21/04/2017 07:49

OP it's interesting that you have been considering leaving for a while but are worried about the consequences. Are you scared of him and his reaction in general? I think you need to leave him as this isn't a loving environment for your DD and he sounds like a crap partner. Its not sustainable or healthy in the long run.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 07:49

Like I said, the reason I've stuck it out so long is in the hope it would improve.

Whenever we have a chat about things he just says things like it's just what she's like or it's xxxx, it's what she does.

He's great at making me feel like I'm in the wrong

OP posts:
skerrywind · 21/04/2017 07:51

He's great at making me feel like I'm in the wrong

That's a horrible environment to bring up your children.

They will grow thinking this is normal behaviour.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 21/04/2017 07:53

OP I'm glad you asked for help as everything you've said implies he's lacking as a partner and a parent.

You and the girls will be better with just the three of you. Please take time this time to focus on family & readjustment & not meeting anyone else.

Both DDs are so young this can be fixed

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2017 07:55

Its the same sad old story - woman having a child far too quickly with an awful man and then coming on here when it starts to go wrong. And then when posters point this they get accused of being judgemental, baby is here now etc, not helpful. Well it is helpful because these patterns of behaviour can have psychological reasons and it can be very helpful in understanding them and ultimately stop bringing more children into abusive relationships and growing up with the effects of this.

OP how can your DP have had a "Rocky relationship" with a one year old baby which your DD was when you met him?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 21/04/2017 07:57

Framey, not blaming or being judgemental is all very well but sometimes there are actions that need to be judged and blame that needs to be apportioned. The key is doing it kindly and constructively. Whatever OP has 'been through' doesn't make it a wise or right decision to try and salve it by rushing into a new relationship and pregnancy. Not pointing this out may help her minimise the current situation.

Sorry for third person, OP.

bluejelly · 21/04/2017 08:00

Just wanting to offer my support. I had a boyf who sadly was pretty hopeless at being a stepdad to my dd. We worked and worked at it for 3 years but in the end I could see he just didn't have it in him to be the co-parent I needed. He was too judgemental, took everything too personally. And wanted to analyse every aspect of my parenting. Drove me nuts! So I ended it.

I then took 3 years off dating/relationships. Reflected a lot on what I needed/wanted.
Then met my dp. He already had two girls and was a fantastic dad. Been together 9 years now and I couldn't fault him as a stepdad to my dd. He's brilliant.

So basically what I'm saying is don't accept second best. Don't give up hope that you'll find the right partner eventually. And don't be afraid of being on your own. Some of my best times were during my three years without a partner in my life.

annielouise · 21/04/2017 08:02

As others have said, he's known her since she was a baby. If he hasn't already started to feel love for her he never will. He treats her like an annoyance. Very harmful to her and also to your youngest who will witness this and could play on it a bit as she gets older - daddy, xx took my toy, daddy, xx hit me, daddy, xx is calling me names. It won't be mentally healthy for either girls. Get out, spend a few years concentrating on the kids and don't have any more as mixing a third man/child in with this is a bad recipe.

twattymctwatterson · 21/04/2017 08:04

Op forget about the kids for now. What about your own self worth? You need to have a think about why you've got involved with this man and stuck it out when things became bad so quickly. Why you've introduced him to your very young daughter immediately and started a family after 6 months, in spite of his behaviour towards your existing child. I'm not saying this to lay blame at your feet at all, what's done is done. However if you end your relationship this cycle will continue if you can't address the underlying issue. Do you feel you need to be with a man and that having one who isn't very nice is better than none at all?

Itshello · 21/04/2017 08:06

He's very young. As a pp said he must be 23 max. I don't think he has a clue about children and the stages of their development. I'm not sure what you can do about that if he is not open to learning and reflecting on his behaviour.

saracrewe2 · 21/04/2017 08:07

His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort

When I read this in the OP I had to double check that I mistakenly read she was 3, rather than 23. So you got with your DP when your dd was 1, and things have always been rocky? OP why on earth did you have a child with this child man? Your poor dd :-(

Gallavich · 21/04/2017 08:08

The difficulty is that relationships with children that are not your own have to be worked on. Ask any step parent or adoptive parent - they didn't attach to their child immediately, they put back breaking work in. If you're not committed to that work then the relationship will not happen. Your DP doesn't seem to have the will to work on the relationship with your DD especially now his own baby is here.

Zoflorabore · 21/04/2017 08:11

Sorry to say it op but it sounds as if you are scared of him.

Please do the right thing by both of your daughters and not just the one this man is interested in.
She deserves to be treated equally.

saracrewe2 · 21/04/2017 08:12

OP your DP really doesn't like your dd1 and seems to resent her for existing. If he has always been rocky with her (when she was probably at her nicest/cutest age) then it is highly unlikely that he will start loving her when she turns 10. You need to have a long, hard think about your future together, and the possible damage this could do to both of your dd's.

bakewelltarty · 21/04/2017 08:12

So your 3 year old hits him in the face and he, probably instinctively, batted her away and you tell him that he shouldn't do that in front of her.

She then, by your own admission, was taking wipes off her sister and wouldn't share. He took them and gave them back to the baby. You think this is wrong and would rather he explain to her why she had to share.

Your 3 year old then goes on to tell him to go away and not play with the baby and he responds by saying that no one tells him what to do with his own child. You're upset and feel this wasn't an appropriate thing to say.

Am I missing something as that hardly seems abusive to me? Very different parenting styles yes. You seem to go for the softly softly approach and maybe he gets frustrated by that as it is obviously not working. Sounds like he is quite young so probably on a huge parenting learning curve himself.

He doesn't sound like a bad person. I don't think it's fair to slate him, as others have, on this thread. But I think it's obvious that he is not what you want and that's what you have to sort out.

SootSprite · 21/04/2017 08:13

OP, I'd definitely get rid of this manchild and then concentrate on yourself and your children for a while. Having a baby with someone you've known for just a few months is, frankly, ridiculous especially as you already had one child. Time to raise your standards.

Original poster
Ricecrispies16 · 21/04/2017 08:14

I'm not scared of him. We've had some really bad break ups during this relationship, when they've happened he is able to make me feel like the worst person in the world, makes me feel like it's all my fault and I end up feeling like a vile person and wanting to make it right.

Leaving him means setting that up for myself. I know I need to do it I just don't know how

OP posts:
AppleOfMyEye10 · 21/04/2017 08:16

Its the same sad old story - woman having a child far too quickly with an awful man and then coming on here when it starts to go wrong. And then when posters point this they get accused of being judgemental, baby is here now etc, not helpful. Well it is helpful because these patterns of behaviour can have psychological reasons and it can be very helpful in understanding them and ultimately stop bringing more children into abusive relationships and growing up with the effects of this.

This x100. I read a thread on here almost every day with the same story. What is it with women who are so desperate to have a baby with every man within 5 minutes.
Your baby was a baby when you met him, you knew it was 'rocky' yet you decided you must have another one.
All sympathies for this poor child who has done nothing wrong but now needs to go through an issue in life because of the adults responsible for her.

Zhan · 21/04/2017 08:17

You've had really bad breakups during a 2 year relationship?

Do you work or have a career you can go back to?

anxious2017 · 21/04/2017 08:23

I actually can't believe what I've read on this thread and that OP is still there, putting him before her daughter and letting him get away with this. Poor, poor child.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/04/2017 08:26

"So I'm not imagining it then."

I don't want to sound harsh, but your little girl has been living with his attitude for two years! Since she was one! You know that. So whatever made you think that you could be imagining it?

"Mumofone - no he doesn't, I wouldn't leave her with him because I don't agree with his parenting."

You wouldn't leave your little girl in his charge, yet you chose to invite him to live permanently with her? To be a major part of her tiny childhood. I don't get that. I don't get why you didn't put her first.

"I stand up for her each and every single time."

She shouldn't need someone standing up for her in her own home ...her safest place!

I'm working my way throw this thread and have just reached your 'big' post of Fri 21-Apr-17 07:36:24 and, quite frankly, it's impossible not to sound harsh ... I'm feeling really rather harsh about all this! You have know that this relationship was a wrong one, since 6 months in! Since your precious daughter was 18 months old, yet you have allowed your needs to take precedence over her well being for a further 18 months ... half her childhood.

"I know he's not good enough for my daughter"

You know! You've always known. Yet still your posts are peppered with indecision. You are her mother. Sort it out.

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