To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

[Ricecrispies16]

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

I would agree that it isn't. But clearly in your opinion your rule only stands if you're not involved in domestic violence?

If you can't leave your daughter alone with him because you don't trust him.... surely that's your answer? She deserves better than to live with a man that is nasty and aggressive towards her. Unless you do something about it immediately, then no, you are not putting your daughter first. I don't think it's overstepping the mark for PP to mention the fact that it was a monumental mistake to have a baby with someone, straight after a disastrous break up from the first child's father. If you can't admit that it was foolish, then that's an issue in itself. If you stay with a man who treats your DD in this way it will have lifelong repercussions, believe me.

What rule? 🙄

I don't know why anyone is wasting time responding to 2014 when they are clearly just a troll. Or an asshat. Or both. Either way, ignore ignore.

I've obviously not made it clear that I would never choose him over my daughter
You need more clarity of thought.
Every single day of the two years you have made your dd1 live with your lover because you wanted him around even if he wasn't good to/with her, you chose him over her.
Every excuse you make for staying with him now (and didn't you say the house is rented in your name? You could tell him to leave) is you, choosing him, over her.
She is three years old. You are her only defence against the world and the bad people in it.
Please think it through from her perspective.

Some people need to calm down.

If a 3 year old was hitting my face I'd bat her arm away & if she told me to leave my baby alone I'd be telling her to mind her manners & not tell me what to do. I might even have said what he did 'No one tells me what to do with my daughter' (or whatever it was).

The utter ridiculousness of calling either of those things abuse, really does undermine actual abuse.

Ricecrispies. There has been a MASSIVE over reaction to what you posted. I think there are issues on both sides & without knowing either of you, it's impossible to say whether your relationship is worth trying to save or not.

It sounds to me like you are over sensitive & haven't allowed him to parent her, then complain when he isn't acting/feeling like an equal parent to her & the baby.

It sounds like he has no idea where he stands with parenting her. If I had done, what you said he had said/done today, and you had a go at me I'd be thinking 'What the fuck? She was hitting me so I batted her arm away to stop her & when she snatched the wipes off the baby I gave them back to the baby & then she was cheeky & I told her I'm the adult an no one tells me to leave my baby alone'...and I'm in trouble?!

To me, it sounds like you've created a dynamic where he simply can't win.

You need to think about what you want to happen. Do you want to parent the girls on your own or together with him? Together with him means jointly deciding how that's done, not dictating how he does it. He's either parenting them or he isn't. Your decision.

If your 3yo was his bio child, I could understand, as my DH has always struggled with our DD's sassy side (fair play, she is a bit of a gobshite, but she is just like me, so I find it easier to deal with). However the fact that she's a step, plus the 'my own child' comment, would worry me OP.

If it had been 'I'm not having a three year old tell me how to parent', it would be different. I mean, still a bit petulant, but ok.

Also, being forceful with a three yo is just NOT ON. Ever. And you know that.

Children at 3 love so unconditionally - I'm sorry I but I am worried why your daughter and your DP are having problems. Have you thought about some sort of counselling? Maybe there are some underlying issues which can be sorted out fairly easily with some professional guidance? Maybe ask your Dr for suggestions of a family service which can help.

Hi OP, I'm sorry about what's happened, and the horrible posts you've had. What's done is done, just need to look at ways of sorting it now, which you are looking for advice on what to do.

I think from your posts, you're planning to get him to leave? If so, make sure you are not on your own, make sure someone knows the situation. Keep a diary of incidents as some have suggested maybe also take your DD1 to the doctor for advice on the emotional side of things. That would also be evidence. Get him out as soon as you can, he sounds toxic and not good enough to be around your kids. Don't let him talk you round

2014 tone down the sanctimony a notch, eh? And the hashtags while you're at it. It's hard to take criticism/advice seriously when you shoehorn hashtags in there 🙄

Any news OP?