To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

[Ricecrispies16]

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

Op this is not a good environment for either of your children. I'm sorry but you need to look at the facts.

You got together when dd1 was a 1yo and only 6 months later their relationship started to get rocky. Seriously? She was barely out of babyhood and he already didn't like her.

He openly loves dd2 more, this will ruin dd1s self confidence.

You don't trust his parenting.

You've already had some bad breakups in the short two years you have been together.

What are you or your children getting out of this relationship?

Why have you gone back to him when you've broken up before?

What do you need help with in setting up for yourself?

MN has a plethora of people who have been in your position and give you some brilliant advice. Ask her but it might be worth starting a new thread as it might all get lost with the OP here.

I think the thing is OP from the childs point of view... When there is an older sibling (regardless of Step or not at this age) and the new baby is born the older sibling will normally be seeking a lot more attention from the other parent who is not dealing with the baby. (In this case step dad as mummy is busy) But as Step Dad does not treat them both as his children, (he does not have to claim her but she is too young to understand otherwise) he is too busy with the baby to make the time for the older sibling as she so clearly needs. So in this case causing her to lash out at him and behave badly.

It all comes down to his management at this point but tbh OP he doesn't sound particularly bothered in your older daughter and he obviously does not feel a bond or relationhip with her.

If you need help with leaving him etc I would seek advise from Citizens Advice, Shelter and Womens Aid.

Op you really do need to put your children first here. Don't make a mistake worse by carrying on with it. And then - please - stay single for some time. Don't rush your children from one man to the next. I know a woman who has now done that 5 times and has had children with 3 of them. The eldest has called 5 different men daddy. It's not good.

You absolutely know what you should do OP so tell him to leave today. He will never be a kind stepfather to your DD and you know that.
An earlier poster implied you should teach him how to parent. Ffs! Why should you waste your time teaching this horrible man not to be a nasty bully to your little girl? Clearly he bullies you, too but you're able to stand up to him, your lovely DD cannot.
Please don't let your DD continue to be bullied while you try to make him a better person. You won't succeed.

"he is able to make me feel like the worst person in the world, makes me feel like it's all my fault and I end up feeling like a vile person and wanting to make it right"

It seems like everyone including the OP is saying only 1 person is in the wrong and everything is either OP or the partners fault.
I think you are both in the wrong.

Before leaving would it be worth trying counselling? Or could you ask a friends dp to talk to him? Or would he read a parenting book? Sometimes having a third party reinforce what you're saying helps. Also ask him how he feels about how his dad parented him. Might help him reflect and realise being more patient and loving would get him further. Agree with others that have said you should try to deal with issues in private not in front of your dd. As leaving time between the issue and discussing it can take the heat out of the situation so you can both discuss more calmly. At least if you try these things and you then separate you can say you tried
your best.

Do bear in mind that having small children is really hard and can test the patience of a saint. Even the best and most patient parents will deal with situations badly from time to time. So if he is trying perhaps cut him - and yourself- some slack for the minor ones.

Personally I had a really difficult time with my 3 year old when I had another baby. I expected too much from her and got irritated and lost my temper easily. On reflection it was because I was really tired and things have improved and I'm back to my more patient self now dd2 is older and I'm getting more sleep. But it did take a lot of work and self reflection.

Good luck. I hope you can sort things out one way or another soon!

the current situation is unsustainable...it will hurt both dds over time however as you have picked it up now it may be rescueable (sp?)

Would he contemplate doing any family counselling/parenting with you...? I think that would tell me whether I wanted to proceed and teh relationship has a future

If he could see that there is a problem and maybe you both need help overcoming it....
if this is his first child and he has minimal small child experience he may not have a clue what a 3 year old is like - I didn't and my expectations of my ds all throughout the early years were completely wonky...
a lot of it did not come naturally to me, I knew nothing about children DH same but slightly differently but did find the first 6months or so after the birth were a complete blur and massive readjustment - and we had been together for years and been through a lot together so had strong history

....However I educated myself....mumsnetted/read books/talked to people watched others/did a parenting course/got him into age appropriate activities..- as did DH

You do both need to be on the same page which is why I suggest you both do a parenting course/read same book ...they often run courses at childrens centres- but a book could be a start...

If however he is not willing to do anything to change the situation then your options are limited as it will affect both children badly and your dd first as she will realise sooner...

OP you say you'll limit contact if you split because you're anxious about him having your youngest unsupervised. That is not your decison to make, it's the courts. So, what I think is worth doing before splitting up is educating him on child behaviour. I know you've said you've tried but if that has come across as blaming him then he won't be receptive; he might be thinking you're the shit parent! Are there any parenting classes you could both go on? I say both of you because 1) just because you've had 2 children doesn't mean to say you can't learn something, especially about step family dynamics (and you may find yourself in the same situation again), and 2) it then doesn't seem like it's all about blaming him and his faults (I know it's a PITA but treating him with kid gloves now and getting him to want to learn could benefit DD2 when you split). Or how about a good book you could read together?

I don't actually believe it is a rare step parent who loves their step child as much as they love their bio children, not if they have been in their lives since the child/ren were very young.

My husband loves my children from my first marriage exactly the same as he loves his bio children. You would have no idea they weren't his bio children, and I know plenty of other step parents who are the same.

If he can't love his step child as much as he loves his own child fair enough I guess, but considering she is only three years old he bloody needs to act the part and treat her with love, care and fairness. He can't do that so there really isn't much choice is there?

You either leave him or you teach your daughter that you are ok with choosing a man over her who treats her differently and poorly.

If you can't leave your daughter alone with him the relationship is truly fucked. You have had bad break ups already. You messed up by having a child with him, I am not judging you but you made bad choices and for your children's sake you have to put them right.

Please can we not blame and be judgemental? It's totally unhelpful
I think it is helpful to highlight how this situation came about. If OP can have a good hard look at the choices she made and the impact they've had, then perhaps she will not quickly add another baby into the mix with the next man she meets. Why is bringing a child into the world not treated with the seriousness it deserves?! MN is full of stories like this.

Sorry OP but he sounds immature and potentially harmful for both children. It sounds like you need to speak to him, ideally away from the children, about makes some changes (at the very least).

Look op.... the house is in you name

Here's what you do...

Change the locks first....call a locksmith for this. Pack his bags, put them outside
Text him to say you are over

OP you have chosen to have a child with someone very young who you didn't know very well. You made a mistake and you know better now, so it's time for you to fix it. Focus on that - what happens next?

OP, if you love your eldest DD then you need to bin him off. So he's manipulative and makes you feel like the worst person in the world - so what? Who is more important - your DD or him? Who do you love more - your DD or him?

Your DD has nobody else to fight her corner, only you. She NEEDS you. Stand up and do the right thing for her.

If you are struggling with this decision, have a wee think about how you will feel in years to come if your DD tells you that her childhood was miserable, that she was unhappy and that she's had mental health problems as a direct result of being bullied and undermined by her step-Dad. That she wishes that you'd been a better Mother and put her first. How would that feel?

Leave. And then spend a few years focusing on your two daughters. Especially the older one repairing the damage that has been done. A toddler doesn't have a rocky relationship with an adult ffs. A toddler is a toddler.

When you do meet someone else (please please let it be several years from now) make sure they get along with and respect your existing children, make sure you have similar views on parenting BEFORE you have another child. Don't come back in two years in exactly the same position as you are now, for the sake of your children you need to avoid that.

OP you say you know you need to leave but you don't know how. The house/flat you live in is rented in your name? Ask him to leave. He can go back to his family. If he won't, you can have him removed. It won't be pleasant but once it's done it will be over and you can start to move on with your lives, you and your DDs together. It will be hard and lonely to begin with but 100% better than what you have now.
The breakups you have had, you say he makes you feel like it's your fault and you're the worst person. He can't make you feel emotions, they are coming from you. If your self-esteem hadn't been battered by this man then you would feel confident in your own feelings and know it's not you, it's him. This will also come with time and maturity.

good luck

Sorry op if I suggested you are scared of him and you say you are not, it's just how in interpreted it.

You certainly have a lot to think about and I wish you the very best of luck

You lost me at several bad break ups, in a 2 year relationship with a child together and a toddler from a previous relationship. Together you are creating a toxic environment for both girls. You can't say that either of you are being good parents. Is dd1 with her dad this weekend? This is the time to do it. Change the locks.
And please don't jump into another relationship. I had 2 stepdads. One openly disliked me. The other tolerated me, but loved his own children. I was constantly told I should be grateful and had to watch him get heaped with praise for even bothering with me. "He doesn't have to, you know" could be the mantra of my childhood. It really does a number on a persons self esteem.

So this grown adult wants a 3yo to "show him respect" whilst showing her none.

Pack his bags and get those locks changed.

What do you need help with, Ricecrispies?

Not sure why everyone is assuming that the pregnancy was on purpose, accidents do happen and then you try and make the best out of it though maybe two years is a good enough try

Whenever we have a chat about things he just says things like it's just what she's like or it's xxxx, it's what she does.

This is worrying. He clearly views her as capable of manipulation or having bad intentions, which at 3 just isn't possible. And he's known her since she was a baby, he should have developed some sort of protective feelings for her, if not fatherly. Pretty hard to have a "rocky" relationship with a one year old tbh

He's clearly painfully immature. My DP is step parent to my two oldest and was clueless, but has had to learn that children aren't adults. We have a child on the way and i do fully expect he will love his child in a way that he can't someone else's, but the point is i expect him not to show it.

Explain that this is it, if there's no improvement then the relationship needs to end. Parenting classes/counselling maybe? Parenting is stressful, you need to be united and it does sound like you undermine him somewhat in front of her, not that i'm saying that excuses anything.

I wouldn't have a baby with someone that had a 'rocky relationship ' with my dd! Her needs would come first. You've made some very strange decisions and rushed I to having a baby with new boyfriend very early despite the fact your dd and he don't have a good relationship.
Counselling would be my suggestion, both as a couple and for you to help you make better decisions in the interests of your children in future.

💐 good luck

Fuck me. When in the last 2 years have you put your dd first?

I really can't imagine why you'd have a baby with someone (so quickly) that you hadn't already formed a solid family unit bond with. That should have been the foundation on which to have a new baby and bring the entire family even closer together sounds clearly like that isn't the case and if he doesn't like or want your DD to be around even at such a young age, the future looks like your going to end up a single parent to 2 children. If he isn't prepared to take her on as a step child then he shouldn't be living with her it's not fair that on your DD she will feel his resentment