To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

[Ricecrispies16]

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

Jayne... talk about judgmental.

You cannot put baby back so spare the op tge moral lectures.... and the future predictions.

Do you have a crystal ball ir sonething? No

I dont actually think you should ltb just yet.

But he does need a good talking too!

OP, I'm not sure you get it. Why are you with someone that you have to "stick up for my daughter each and every time".

And why have your wants and needs trumped over the wants and needs of your child? It doesn't matter that you're sticking up for your child. What matters is that you are sticking up for your child with the father figure in her life. It is fooked up.

And all you've gone on about in your post are your feelings. Have you sat your daughter down, 121, and asked her how she feels. Stop being a martyr and do the right thing.

You say his relationship with your DD has always been a "bit rocky".

Why on earth did you choose to have a baby with this man?

Your DD is in for a horrible time as she grows up- and will ultimately blame you.

No you can't give a baby back but you can take a long hard look at your own choices and learn from them.
The op made a massive mistake by having a baby so soon when she already had a very young child to think about. It helps nobody to skirt over that issue and pretend it's not there. Now she has to address the situation as it is. Sugar coating won't facilitate hard headed thinking, which is what she needs to do here

I am trying, really hard, to understand your dilemma - but I can't . I was. Step child to three, yes three step fathers, all were absolute cunts, my mum chose badly, always. God if I heard once I heard a million times, how grateful I should be that another man took us on.WTAF! There were five of us in the end, mum in the have a child to secure the relationship mode, never bloody worked. My childhood was shit and has impacted the rest if my life, image that OP, the rest of her life feeling shit? Better to be single secure parent. Can't believe I have posted this but it has made my blood boil and bought back so much shit just reading it. For context I am now 47, but reading this I feel 7 again.

poor kid. Either his attitude needs to change. Or his presence in her life needs to change. You really need to have the discussion that she's 3. She's a toddler and in full tantrum mode (I expect). She's a little girl and much closer to being a baby than even a young teenager. Staying with his as is will seriously affect her emotional growth and in some ways, she will be stuck aged 2/3 even as an adult. I know this because I was too until I had years and years of counselling, which is still ongoing in my 40's. I didn't have a step parent, this was my biological parenting. I got occasional snippets of love from my workaholic father, who died when I was in my teens. I got no love from my mother. I was for the most part "well cared for". And for most of my life, I genuinely believed my mother valued her precious Kenwood cooking spatula more than me, her child, fruit of her loins. No way ever should a child be made to feel so poorly about themselves. My mother wasn't intentionally abusive, she's an immature child herself. I don't think your partner is intentionally abusive either. However the result is the same whether the abuse is intentional or not.

Goodgriefisitginfizzoclock I am angry on your behaf.

I am sorry that you had to go through this.

I am also angry at the OP.

I would be single for the rest of my life rather that put my children through this disgusting situation.

I thought Jayne had a fair point. The reason while the family is struggling is because it has all been too fast. It is not judgemental to say op has a 3 year old and then now a 8 month old to another man. That does not give much time for anyone to adjust, especially the 3 year old who has had a new man and now a sibling.
No wonder they cannot work well all together.

As it op your partner sounds a dick. If you cannot trust your partner with a child then what is the point in being with them. He is not willing to work at it, he is just throwing his toys out so dump him.

I know MN tends to blame the men but ffs when are women going to stop having children with men they have only just met , when they already have a very young child from another previous short lived failed relationship.
I know with OP it is already done and she can't turn the clock back but please , children are not just relationship accessories.

I'm afraid Jayne is right. Your dd was what, 18 months when you got together with this man, and six months down the line you are pregnant already. As for your dh, there is absolutely no excuse for a relationship with a child of that age being 'a bit rocky'. Anything other than complete and utter prioritising of the child's needs is a no-no. But your dp seems to essentially see your eldest dd as an inconvenience. I do think the lure of playing happy families may have led you to put your child into a situation that is not good for her with far too little reflection and insight. That insight is coming now, and you absolutely must listen to it. And yes, while you can't undo things, I think it's important to understand that and where things went wrong so you don't repeat this pattern in the future and are able to focus on what your girls need.

So he's a great dad. (to his own baby!)

Yet you say he is lazy. You don't agree with his parenting. You don't even trust him to parent if you spoilt.

If this situation didn't involve two small children, I'd be laughing.

Before you make any decisions, you need to be honest with yourself. Great dad, my arse!

And the comments that you had this baby too soon are helpful even if you.m can't undo that. Because maybe OP hadn't considered cementing existing relationships and getting to know what someone is really like. Pointing out that it takes time might make them a bit more careful about considering a third. As a Pp () said - some people keep having babies.

It's a situation of your own making, your barely been dating before getting pregnant so the relationship was hardly there to start with.

It takes a rare step mum or dad to love and treat their step children the same as their own. It's natural instinct to love and protect your own more.

I'm afraid I agree with Jayne. This is an awful situation for your daughter to be in and you need to get her out of it fast, she's just a baby herself. If you have no concerns that he would ever hurt either of your children and you say he's a good dad to the baby then I think you'll just have to suck it up when it comes to him having contact with her at his parents.

I feel for you, op. I understand the vision; your dp was on his best behaviour, you wanted your dd to have a sibling close in age. It hasn't worked, your dp is being a dick.
Is dd's dad around? Your dp has to effectively be her daddy when they are together, due to the fact that she is so small & given she has a sibling close in age. They can't be treated differently; dp needs to have dds back. It's the only way it will work. He has to fake it. If he's not prepared to do that you're in trouble.

My eldest dc isn't dh's; ds was 6 when dh came on the scene & dh was always prepared to listen to my (many) criticisms & he did his best to a father. Even so, we didn't feel ready to have more dcs until ds1 was a teenager. Any differences there might be aren't so noticable in our family, because of the 13 & 15year age gaps.

My dd was 2.5 when ds2 came along & she had violent intentions towards him for some time, your dd sounds like she is being a great sister. Dp needs to realise he is the problem.

You need to discuss how to parent together. I personally don't think you should have intervened over the wipes incident as not snatching is important to learn as presumably she is of nursery age. Has he spent much one on one time with eldest daughter? If not I would encourage that while you tend to baby so they can build up their own bond without you hovering in the background. Does your dd see her real father at all?

'I really despair reading threads like this - why do women keep having children so fast with men they barely know?

It's so depressing.'

I really don't like the way some posters are blaming the op for having a child at all with this guy.

Please can we not blame and be judgemental? It's totally unhelpful. You have no idea about what the op has been through.

Also agree with Jayne. Having a baby after 6 months is madness - even more so when you already have a 2 year old to someone else (at the time)!! Talk about moving too fast, you don't really know this bloke.

I agree with jayne.

It's hardly the toddlers fault.

It's the dick of a guy and the irresponsibility of the OP that has caused this situation.

You are right to be concerned it's a red flag for abuse. Abusers treat children as little adults

You have some thinking to do he's not even being nice to you about this trying to work it out, he seems quite prepared to bully you into submission

Some of you have really hit the nail on the head.

To clarify, their relationship was great until about 6 months in. My dd has a fantastic relationship with her own dad, regular contact etc so my partner isn't the only male influence in her life.

We rent, the house is solely in my name. Sounds daft but I did that incase the relationship went to shit, I wanted security for me and my girls.

He is younger than me, whilst this was fine initially, the gap is starting to show in that he's argumentative and feels the constant need to "stick up for himself" it is ridiculous. It's not a huge gap, 6 years but we are both in our 20's.

Our relationship has been strained nearly the entire time. At the point that I realised we perhaps weren't compatible I was already pregnant and wanted to give it my best shot for my baby's sake. I have felt in limbo thinking that it's like I have to choose which child to do the right thing by.

When I'm alone in my thoughts, I know he's not good enough for my daughter, thinking about it now this is one incident in a very long list that I've had to step in. I just thought that I could help him work on his parenting of her and eventually it'd all settle down and we'd all be happy. But I've had the conversation with him about her being only 3 and him expecting too much etc, it doesn't go in. We had a big chat the other day and things improved but then little things like this bother me.

At what point is it no longer them lacking in decent parenting skills, but rather they clearly have no interest in your child?

He's exactly like his dad when it comes to children, I see his dad being so strict with his (dp) neice and I wonder if it's a learnt behaviour?

Dp also says things like "no E, I'm the adult not you" or "I'm the adult you're the child"

Another one I hate.

From his viewpoint he's being hit in the face by a 3 year old. You remind her to play gently. She doesn't. He bats her away and you have a go at him.

Then you tell him off for snatching off the 3 year old who was attention seeking at the time.

The 3 year old sulks then tells your DP to go away and leave baby/them alone. He's dealing with it. You response is to go in and say "what now?".

You two are not a team. Your treating your DP like a child and undermining him. IMO he needs to learn how to deal with the 3 year old and you need to learn how to work with him as an adult. Both of you need to work on your communication.

At what point is it no longer them lacking in decent parenting skills

At what point do you need to step up to protect your daughter

I wouldnt stay with a man I couldnt leave look after the dc himself. Whether he was their bio dad or step dad.