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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 21/04/2017 00:14

Agree with pp that your oh needs a simple explaining that a three year old doesn't see things like and adult and then remind him he's the adult and needs to make allowances for the child.

Moanyoldcow · 21/04/2017 00:15

I really despair reading threads like this - why do women keep having children so fast with men they barely know?

It's so depressing.

TheCraicDealer · 21/04/2017 00:20

I'd feel really anxious about him having the baby at his parents house. That's where he'd go, he and his family would sit saying awful things about me and I just hate the thought of my daughter being there to listen to it all.

So what are you going to do? Let him treat your elder DD like poop, spoil the younger one and let them both hear him complain about what a drama llama you are, undermining you at every opportunity? You need to nope the fuck out of that scenario.

If he's been in DD1's life from she was very small you'd think it would be easier for him in a way, there would have been a bond there that might have fostered some patience or understanding. But it hasn't, and as soon as "parenting" got a bit more difficult than switching on the telly and plonking her in front of it he's just decided to stop investing- then he blames a three year old for the result. How's it going to be any easier with DD2 if that's his attitude? He'll probably just give in to tantrums and refuse to tell her off as he cba to deal with the fallout, making the disparity between how he treats the girls even more obvious. Get out, before he does any more damage.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 21/04/2017 00:22

Read back you posts of 00.11 and 00.12 and ask yourself does that really sound like a great dad?!

Bin him. He is clearly a cunt. Cms for financial support. Arrange some counselling to address why you thought a lazy md childish gobshite who bullies a three year old could ever be a great parent in your eyes.

innagazing · 21/04/2017 00:24

The more you describe him, the worse he sounds.
If you know what you need to do, don't leave it too long before ending the relationship, as your children, especially the older one, will become more damaged.
It is a hard thing to do, but you will get through it, and life will be happier and better for you and your daughters.

Hia3 · 21/04/2017 00:26

I think you are very right to be concerned. How come he has not developed a better bond- he must have known your daughter since she was a baby herself. Poor little girl- how will this affect her growing up ?

I have a step father that loved me like a daughter and I was much older, when he became part of our family- he has never treated me any different to his own kids. I can honestly say I love my step dad and real dad equally. My kids have 3 Grandpas !

Your partner has the lovely opportunity of having your daughter, as part of his family- if he shows her kindness and love- she will love him back.
But it sounds, as if he can't - which is a real concern.

I honestly couldn't be with a man that couldn't develop a bond with my 3 yr old girl.

owenjonesismyhero · 21/04/2017 00:29

It is all too soon. 12 months in, with a just 2yr old you get pregnant with a childish man with whom your daughter has little or no relationship. Take some responsibility. I would move on, limit contact until her can grow up.

sobeyondthehills · 21/04/2017 00:34

I am on the other side of this, having been the "step parent" although, DSS and mine introduction was a good year into the relationship.

I had no clue to children, what was acceptable, what wasn't. When my own son was born, it did make a difference to how I saw my stepson. Some sort of lightbulb moment in there I suppose, its difficult to explain. We have a great relationship now, but it has been 6 years of a very steep learning curve for me, and to an extent him as well.

At the beggining of my son's life I was very overprotective of him, with everyone, I am sure my stepson saw that as a slight, but it wasn't I had no clue of a 3 year old and tbh still have no clue.

Its a difficult road for a step parent. However, my DP was never uncomfortable with anything I did, I think the only time we had words, is when I assumed we could do a fairly long walk and he just looked at his son and was like you are carrying him are you?

BrianCantsPants · 21/04/2017 00:36

OP no you won't get any say in what would happen to your DD2 when he has her if you split up but that's the reality for any separated parents. Most of the time it's a 48 hour period out of 2 weeks so realistically that's not much time away from you. And he will be with other adults, some of whom will have brought up children themselves. Your DD will learn not to pay much attention to any bad-mouthing, she will be secure in your love.

My children have been hospitalised while with their father and I only found out about it 3 weeks later when one of the others told me Shock

The lack of control is just something I have learnt to deal with. Life is so much better on a daily basis than it was when he lived with us.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/04/2017 00:43

How old was DD when they first met?

You shouldn't stay with someone because you are scared of how they will behave if you leave them!

MiddleClassProblem · 21/04/2017 00:46

sorry that sounded harsher than meant. In abusicr relationships it is really hard to leave butcit sounds more like he's a Dick than abusive? I'm sure shitloads of kids have to hear parents or family slag off another parent. Unfortunately it's just how some people are but you can get good advice and limit the access if needs be.

JorahsMissus · 21/04/2017 00:49

Please don't let your little girl go through life with this piece of shit treating her like that.

Ncforthispost2005 · 21/04/2017 00:50

I wouldn't leave her with him because I don't agree with his parenting

I don't really see how you can stay with someone if this is the case. If you don't trust him with your older daughter why would you trust him with your younger daughter as she gets older.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/04/2017 01:09

Totally, unequivocally LTB.

This situation is never, ever going to improve.

haveacupoftea · 21/04/2017 01:15

LTB. You can't trust him with your daughter.

AbernathysFringe · 21/04/2017 01:15

LTB. You don't want to leave because you're afraid of what a crap parent he'll be without your supervision, but as posted above, it's better a few hours of one daughter being with an idiot who loves her than both daughters being with an idiot daily, who treats one of them horribly.
You can't even influence his parenting for the better if you stay with him because he just argues his side and doesn't entertain yours, he thinks you're just undermining him.

MadMags · 21/04/2017 01:26

Things have been rocky between them? Rocky??

So, when she was a baby Things were rocky? How does that even happen?

Your poor dd Sad

neitherthisnorthat · 21/04/2017 01:27

He sounds a bit immature. Are you older than him? If you get to the point where you are concerned about leaving him with both children, in case he's mean to your 3 year old, I would say you've answered your own question.

NotStoppedAllDay · 21/04/2017 01:28

He has done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law so will have unsupervised with his child

Either 50/50 shared care or the usual every other weekend and one day during the week

NotStoppedAllDay · 21/04/2017 01:29

If he's like this with s 3 year old can you imagine him coping through teen years?

Do you work op? Rent?

Floofborksnootandboop · 21/04/2017 02:04

Why is a grown man bickering with a 3 year old? Hmm

OwnedbyFred · 21/04/2017 02:11

Bit of a different viewpoint here, I recognised your situation - I was your 3 year old dd with a step dad like that and a sibling.
My step dad had such different parenting ideas to DM, and as a child, becoming more aware as time wore on I became more and more resentful to the rest of the family. I felt like an utter spare part in the family and it seemed my mum 'took his side' all the time. I realise with hindsight that sometimes I deserved a telling but, I was genuinely pushed out, and bad behavior was the only way to get any attention. My DSD was harsh, and never let me forget that it was his house, his wife, his dd (my ds) and I don't think I will ever not have a small part of me that doesn't resent my DM for letting him treat me like that - even though there was soooo much more than that involved, that feeling has been formed in childhood and it's my default now.
Please think about how your daughter will feel growing up with comments such as your OH made, and actions to match, I realise this is a really tough situation for you as well, good luck Cake

Imknackeredzzz · 21/04/2017 02:14

Why do some women rush to have kids with men they seem to barely know

SeekingSugar · 21/04/2017 02:29

Your poor daughter being pushed out like that. You need to protect her from him, how are you going to do that unless you leave him?

Treasures · 21/04/2017 03:29

Like a previous poster, my DH entered my family feeling honoured to have the chance to bring up my DD from a previous relationship and be the father figure she never had. They got to know each other for a year before he moved in and they were firm friends by then. By the time we got married another year later, she wanted to add his surname to her own. He has only ever treated her with kindness, love and patience and that's without any experience of children before. She doesn't call him dad because she thought that would be weird, but he does refer to her as his daughter when talking to other people. Because that's how he sees her. I can absolutely guarantee if we had a DC together, my DD would be his virtual PFB.

Also, negative words/attitude from a parent at 3yrs old can be really damaging long-term as I'm sure you realise. Do you want her to grow up feeling second best? Because she will feel like that in every relationship she ever has. She will feel like her needs should come second. She will absorb his behaviour and end up with a man just like him, feeling that's all she deserves. If a man like him isn't good enough for her when she's grown up, then he's not good enough for you now.

I believe this is my first LTB.

Good luck, this must be a very hard situation to find yourself in.

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